Okay. So my purse novel Memoirs of a Geisha is showing promise so far but I have still felt in a bit of a book rut since reading that really not great book that was supposed to be a novel about discovering the origins of tarot but turned out to really be a book about integrating the doppelganger-lover-other self. So then my next novel was another palette cleansing contemporary fiction where each of the parts wasn't backed but lacked any cohésion between the three parts and failed at the most basic level of "so what?" because the vignettes didn't create any sort of narrative arc or plot or make you CARE about the characters or provide closure to the storylines to find out what happened... 

BUT, this morning I started a novel that has me hooked and sings to me in its world building "so what?" to give a damn about it and the characters in it. The thing is, it's the first in a trilogy and I really don't have TIME right now to devour this trilogy the way I want. I'm going to allow me to keep reading until I'm tired of it or at a good stopping point or finish the first one before I take Waffles to work then go cat sit briefly before hunkering down to getting hours in, but really this was an inconvenient time for me to find a series I want to devour like this. 

It's the Skinjacker trilogy by Neal Shusterman. He's a YA writer but he writes YA layered waaaaaay beyond the philosophical and literary level of most teenagers... All of his novels seem to start from a philosophical ethics question then create a speculative fiction world to explore the question. The first of his I read was Arc of the Scythe series which is about a world where death has been conquered so a group of people take the career paths of having to be the reapers to keep population controls -- it had enough action and violence and questioning authority and why rules exist to engage teens to think about some things but also had layers and layers of philosophers and schools and ethics and socio-political responsibility questions that don't have answers just different facets to examine situationally. It was absolutely incredible and ever since I finished it I have been looking forward to when I feel it has been sitting inside me with enough other stories layered over it for long enough and for me to be in the right head/heart space to let myself re-read it. 

Anyway. The premise of the Skinjacker books is about kids who for whatever reason get stuck don't cross over to the light after they die and end up in the nebulous realm of Neverland meets Lord of the Flies uncrossed ghosts and the rules/reasons and society types they build and the ruts they fall into if they create routines of niche identities. Which is also a metaphor for how so many people "live" their lives without being truly alive. I'm just about halfway through the first book (the shortest) of the trilogy so don't yet have a comprehensive overview of his questions and world building and philosophical ethics questions he's exploring, but I'm really REALLY loving it so far and the world he has built and the questions it's already exploring. 

So I'm glad to be out of my reading rut, but also I'm kicking myself a bit letting me get into this series before the next couple overbooked days and the eclipse trip.... Because I know better and I know myself. And the chances are high of me choosing to devour the books until I collapse in exhaustion rather than get sane amounts of sleep for what I have planned. But now I'm here and I ain't going to set aside the series NOW.... I had to make myself set it aside to make coffee and veggies with eggs for breakfast and I'd be lying if I told you I didn't bring the novel with me into the kitchen to keep reading while the herby potatoes and carrots were cooking.... I'm now at a chapter break and the "filter it through my teeth or give up on the very viscous last half cup" dregs of the French press so I'm writing this through the coffee grounds and trying to decide if I can get away with making a cuppa tea and reading more or if I should consider getting dressed to face the day and come back to the book later. (Of course I won't get dressed come back to the book later right now, do you have any idea the cliffhanger the last chapter ended on?!?! Actually, I should see how close I am to a section break....those are usually good pause points within his books.)

So anyway.  I have a good book now that I'm super into and it's a 1300 pages or so series commitment not just a "best I have right now" fling then something else. But also, my timing starting this series is fucking complicated and I should have known better waited a week to start in on this.... 

Unrelated to any of that. But. After my last post reference. I think. It's worth me being honest. That. I think the complications and impossibility I see in squaring the circle of what was created in October 2018 is a major part of why my head tries so damn hard to makes excuses or rationalize me into believing that he probably doesn't feel the bond the same way I do and that he can be happy with some other woman he falls head over heels in lust with and then I can just cut myself out of his options and put the bond to sleep and he'll never notice. 

Because. Look. I can't unblock me and I got nowhere except ghosted by the band members/representatives and victim blamed by multiple diehard fans of theirs. And I also won't lie to myself about the centrality of his sister and his band and one of his oldest friends to his life and that they SHOULD be important and central to his life. And I won't lie to anyone about the cause-effect fact that due to actions the girls chose in 2018 (for themselves personally and in the name of the entire band) that they created the explicitly stated boundary by their actions of first Liz then Britt and then Delta Rae as a collective desiring not to exist to me. And I can't alter ANY of those facts and choices other people have made or the consequences of them. 

Best I can figure out to do with this set of truths is try to triage a path where he is hurt the least by the situation created by the actions of his sister and friend of over 20 years -- and the way that appears to me easiest to do that is to write me out of his options for his life story.  So for 5.5 years, this has been driven to a front of mind issue every time EVERY TIME that he brings up his love for his band or his sister or his friend or he shared something I couldn't see the content unavailable to me just have him showing up with unwatched stories (which is ultimately what made me unfollow him on insta and why I ignored his request in the most recent email to find him on socials to follow along the upcoming tour -- because I don't want to go back into the negative cycles or my frustrated anger of seeing him listed as having stories and then being continuously told "content unavailable" for those posts/stories he reshared from the band account or from one of the two girls even when watching other people's stories and he was showing up in the queue. He's right to love his band and his sister and his friend and be proud of them, but that doesn't change the shitty way I was treated in their names or the fact that sharing his love/pride in them opens old wounds in me that hurt and anger me towards him reopening them even though he didn't know or intend to. That cycle was wrong by everyone and my only way to break it was to unfollow him on insta sever that path of him reaching me so that his right actions for himself were not rubbing salt in my wounds that his sister and Liz created and have left to fester.)  

The simplest way my brain has been able to come up with for me to square the circle of what matters to him having ostracized me made me feel unwelcome and unwanted is for me to rationalize removing myself from his reach and his options. There is no problem if I remove myself from the equation by taking myself out of his options so he can't reach me.  And so I pull away start to make that hard choice to do it EVERY time there's anything at all that reminds me or echoes down the bond his love and pride of his band, his sister, and/or his friend who have all three clearly created and maintained for 5.5 YEARS the boundary that they do not wish to exist to me. 

As much as it hurts both my ego and my heart, it's easier to make myself believe that he doesn't feel the pull of the bond or have past lives memories like I do than to accept the complicated truth that there is no way that isn't made toxic by the choices his sister made in October 2018 (and that I can't find a way to heal from my side since nobody else has ever been willing to acknowledge it and just have ghosted the issue any time I have tried communicating about it) that allows for a path for him to have all the things he loves and needs for his happiness coexistant in his life. Because that complicated truth requires me accepting that due to his sisters past and ongoing choices in her own name and in the name of the band as a collective there's no way for me to exist or not exist in relationship to him and the most important things in his life where I don't become a source of pain to him. Which is the one thing I've never wanted to be, ever. 

And I know it's not a FAIR solution, but I don't know what else I can do while still respecting other people's free will choices and actions. And no it's not fair to him. And no it's not fair to me. Because neither he nor I CHOSE to create this situation and yet I still can't find a way from my side to heal it when I can't even have it acknowledged that it happened. So it's easier to encourage him to fall for someone else and let myself believe it's really what he wants so I can then remove myself from his reach and tell myself the rationalization that though it's hard hurts me deeply it's for his greatest happiness he chooses -- because at least if I can believe that, I'm not a cause of unnecessary unchosen pain in him. 

If I don't believe he feels the pull of the bond and remembers our past lives, then I see a way I can break the toxic consequences of the choices made in Oct 2018 by removing myself from the equation. And then he can love his sister and his band and his friend and be proud of them and it will never reach me to cause me hurt and I will be respecting the boundary for treating those who don't wish to exist to me as if they don't exist to me. And all it costs is the pain of separation removing myself and the hollows of grieving the empty silent spaces where the bond should be -- which is an easier price for me to consider when it's a matter of only me stoically going on with that weight because I don't believe he feels the absence and so can't be hurting from it. Of course it all falls apart as a solution when he stubbornly refuses to give up til he reaches me again and I realize how deeply that time of not reaching me having the bond silent missing from inside him DID hurt him.... But then, human nature being what it is, enough time passes and he gets interested in someone else or devotes himself to a project that involves the band or his sister and the toxic cycles start up all over again for how I can find the path that will cause him the least pain and the greatest amount of the love he needs for the happiness he seeks in his life. I can't unblock me and I won't lie about the past and it would be wrong to ever expect him to have anything but love/pride for the pillars of his life that created and have chosen this set of toxic consequences. The only part I have any agency over is my own choices and reactions -- it's the only thing I can do anything to try to alleviate the pressure and pain and toxic emotions created by having him caught in the middle of other people's actions/choices. Is it any wonder that I would rationalize until I believe that I can act on the one thing I have any agency over? Especially at times I genuinely believe that neither I or the bond are any part of the happiness he has chosen for his life? 

What else can I do in this situation? How can you expect me under these circumstances to do what I naturally desire to do which is to bring him and me ever closer together and to give him as much of my attention and affection as possible when the price of me doing that is the inevitable pain of being reminded of the gulf created by what doesn't want to exist to me but is so central to his own life and happiness? Pulling away from him causes pain but allowing any getting closer before having to pull away is even more painful.... If I'm to be forced by the choices of others to not be wanted or accepted into central facets of his life, to always have the distance of those choices between us, then giving in to the temptations of love and hope and believing he and I want the same thing just makes the pain of that enforced distance harder and more painful. False hope hurts far more than the cruellest truth... It's easier to believe I'm no part of what he wants in this situation than to believe we both want the same thing and are only kept separated hurting because of shitty defensive choices made 5.5 years ago by a third party too proud to admit she fucked up or to acknowledge what happened to try to heal it. 

And that's a part of why it's so easy for me to fall into the trap of believing he doesn't feel the pull of the bond or remember our shared past lives and won't miss me if I quietly distance myself remove me from his options -- especially if I do it while he has a distraction he's pursuing. I don't say that's right of me.... But it is a part of why I let me believe that about him. In a misguided attempt to square the circle so he isn't hurt, or is hurt the least I have agency to affect, by my existence or relationship or lack thereof to him, in the 3d and the 5d.

And. I won't tell you I won't do it again. Because if I ever once again get to believing it's in his best interests to cause him the least pain, I'll repeat the damn cycle and try to cut me out of his options remove myself as far as I can to make me unreachable even via the bond. All it takes is for me to believe that is the path to cause him the least pain and harm of the paths open to us for me to choose it. In this life, I don't currently believe enough in the strength of his love for me and what the bond might mean to him for me not to be willing to sacrifice it if I get to believing/rationalizing he'd be happier without any connections to me in his life given the complications I now make for him toward other things/people in his life where I have been made to feel unwanted and unwelcomed and asked to treat them as if they dont exist to me. I still believe that his life would be easier and he would be happy in the situations we've all been in since October 2018 by me removing myself from the equation and gently as I can disengaging myself and the bond between us from his options. I don't say that's his truth or any damn thing he wants, I just admit that within me there are parts of me that still believe it to be the solution to cause him the least pain and tension and harm and to give him the paths to the greatest happiness in his life that he chooses for himself... I might be dead wrong and cause him deep pain and sorrow trying to distance my soul from his and not let me see what little he shares to his socials, but as long as at any level I believe he'd be happier without the complications to his life of having/nurturing the bond to me, how can I promise I won't try again with the only agency I have in this situation to distance myself from him and reduce the bond to as quiet and dormant as possible? 

When you remove the agency to heal things from someone so they feel trapped in the cycles of toxicity, their animal instincts are left with only the agency of trying to gnaw off their own limb to get out from the trap as the only way they can see to improve the situation. This is just a version of that with me rationalizing trying to gnaw off my own limb as the only way I see to alter the situation get out of the trap that was created in October 2018. It's not that I want to do it, I just can't find anything I can do to make things better than to try that. Even if it means first rationalizing trying to make me believe the hurtful supposition that I might not matter to him and he might not feel or be aware of the bond pulling between our souls the way I am. I don't claim any of this is healthy, I'm just trying to explain how it has happened and why I can't promise that it won't happen again if I get to thinking removing me will cause him less pain than me staying given the way things are and have situationally been since Oct 2018.

I can try to be better and try to believe that he feels it all as intensely as I do and I need to respect it's OUR bond not just mine or his. I can try to stay in being the better versions of me that listen to the intuitive inner knowing. But I can't promise I can stay in that place without evidence I can hold onto. Especially in the face of a toxic mess of a trap where I feel no matter what I do I cause him hurt so the best I can do is figure out what's in my power to cause him the least hurt with him caught in the middle of the consequences created by the 2018 third party bullying games his sister and close friend chose to play with me in their own name and in the name of the entire band as a collective. I can only promise that IF I act, in any way, it will only come from a sincere belief at that time that my actions are toward the fatelines that will cause him the least harm and get him as much as possible of the happiness he seeks and chooses for himself. I may be completely wrong headed in that belief, but any actions on my part will be born from the sincerity of such a belief.

Anyway. This last half cup of coffee from the French press is now very cold AND full of grounds I'm trying to filter through my teeth...and it's really not a great experience at all.... So I'm going to be done with coffee now and go make another cuppa tea and hope I find a good pause point in this ya novel in a trilogy about ghost kids so I can go check in on Henry (a cat) while my friend is out of town and then get hours in at work until I'm too tired and have to go home to bed get some sleep before taking grandma to her appointment and my early morning very long Tuesday of having to be awake and focused.