it does not escape my attention that I brought up the unhealed past not just during shadow period but literally on the eve of Mercury going retrograde proper. Not gonna lie, it did make me laugh when I realized the timing it came up again. Like, serious as it is, the timing struck me as "written in the stars, of course" laughing at myself and behavior pattern I didn't recognize until after the fact.

But it's also worth bearing in mind that coming to peace with the reality "people have made and continue to make the choices they believed best and what happened in the past is past -- and there are always limits to what I or anyone else can do if other people won't even communicate or acknowledge you bringing it up" does NOT mean that there are not consequences that still ripple into and affect the present AND will continue to affect the future if left undealt with unacknowledged. An infection doesn't disappear just because you pretend it doesn't exist -- toxic things left to fester instead of cleansed WILL breed more toxins and sometimes they will spread the infection to the point requiring amputation or the risk of blood poisoning. You can't just pretend you didn't create something toxic and think it will produce anything else other than toxicity. There's a point at which only complete amputation can salvage anything if you don't acknowledge and try to heal the infection. 

And it's worth me saying quite clearly. I told you I was going to look into WHY I might believe that he wouldn't experience or miss the bond to me or have past life memories of his own. And I kept that and I am still considering that question. But all those reasons I have given are the rationalizations I told myself until I accepted them -- they're the WHY I might believe it but that's the wrong question. Because the RIGHT question to ask is, what is the root CAUSE of me listening to these rationalizations, why I would give them weight to accept this premise as true. And the answer is, the root cause was what happened in 2018 and me recognizing that his sister's choices meant that I was unwelcome and ostracized from central pillars of his identity and life -- that there is no place for me in his life and his happiness so long as that fact is true AND that i refuse to put him in the middle ask him to choose because I will choose for him to remove myself from his options before having him be caught in the middle of these stupid girl bullying games she created by choosing to ostracize. I will do whatever I need to do to rationalize me doing that, to do what I believe should cause him the least hurt and disruption in his life. It's a choice I made for him and rationalized for me to be able to see it through rather than have him be the pawn in someone else's game or caught in the middle of it. It was that realization of the consequences of what his sister did in her own name and in the band's name that is what CREATED in me a feeling it was right for me to try to make myself believe that he doesn't feel the bond or care about it and he doesn't remember any of our many shared past lives. And those seeds and everything they have grown into do not get pulled out like the weeds that they are so long as there's nothing I can do other than accept him being hurt in the middle of this mess OR I cut the points of contact between him and me because it means he can't be used that way in the stupid girl bullying ostracism games created in 2018. No matter how much he does to try to make me believe that actually the bond and his memories is not something he is willing to ever give up on, I will still have those seeds inside me that if he's going to be hurt either way because of this situation someone else created that he is caught in the middle of, then I'd rather have him hurting over my absence. because he survived my absence over how many centuries of lifetimes and then I won't be guilty of taking any part in making him a pawn hurt by my actions and active particiy and caught in the middle hurting him. I'd rather give him up than play the "who are you going to pick because you can't sit with us if you sit with her, you can't have both" bullying game that ostracism creates. I'll take myself out of the situation rather than have him played that way by anyone -- but especially someone he has EVERY reason and right to expect loves him and would only want the best for him and his greatest happiness rather than her defensiveness or ego. I will not play the wisdom of Solomon game where to determine the real mother the king says to cut the child in half give each woman claiming it her half of it --if you love someone you would never agree to a situation where they have to be torn in half to be shared -- you'd rather them alive and whole and healthy as possible even if you're no part of their life able to protect them. if you actually love them. Better to sacrifice let them go to be whole far from you than torn in lifeless halves so you can hold onto some portion of them and prove your claim they were yours....

And I will make that choice to release what I love rather than damage it every damn time someone creates a confrontation like this.

So as long as this boundary and ostracism block of me feeling unwanted and unwelcome and that they do not desire to exist to me, it means that given the importance and centrality of his sister and his band and his friend in his life as he has constructed it, I will always try to let him go and convince myself it's in his best interest to release him from any connection to me. And you should expect that from me in this situation.... Because I'm not here for a battle of egos or to show who has the girl bullying soft power in the situation to manipulate others to side with them, I'm here to do whatever will cause the least harm and hurt to those I care about -- which no longer includes his sister or band or friend because they don't want to exist to me but it sure as hell applies to him even if it means I leave the situation and go off on my own far from him being able to reach me. I will not be used that way -- I will leave rather than play any part in a situation that hurts him by having him caught in the middle told he can't have both in his life because you won't sit with me don't want to exist to me. And I will tell myself whatever I have to say in order to rationalize make me believe so that I will do what is ethically right in the name of Justice and love. 

So the root cause of me coming to believe ANY rationalization telling me that he might not feel the pull of the bond to me or remember our past lives so he can't be hurt by losing what he never knew to value IS the first cause and effect seeds planted in 2018 as a consequence of asking that his sister and his band not exist to me. And I can pull out the weeds of the rationalizations and I can try to believe his stubbornness as being a clear consistent statement from him of what he wants and that he DOES want the same thing and remembers and feels the pull -- but if you don't deal with healing and pulling out the root cause of this, there will come a day that I reach the point of believing he is hurt more by my presence continuing in his life given what is behind the boundary of not wishing to exist to me than he could ever be hurt by my absence from his life and his inner space. Especially if it's a time he seems happy because he thinks he's making headway to heal the distance grown between him and me OR he has distractions in his life of other people/projects/things that he/I think could bring him enough happiness he wouldn't notice or be upset by my sneaking away absence. Especially because at this point right now he only has past lives memories to know what he's missing, it's not like he's losing something he has HAD in his everyday life this lifetime -- only in dream space and the innermost self. But he doesn't know what it is to come closer than at the soul deep level, he won't be losing anything from his ACTUAL 3d everyday life in this lifetime. Because I won't say it doesn't hurt, but it would hurt a hell of a lot more to lose something you've had than to never have something you've only dreamed of yearned for known within your inmost self.....

I can move forward pretending as if that cause isn't still poisoning at the root everything he tries to do and build to find a way to fix this and bring us back together. But it will be a lie of omission to go on pretending it didn't happen and it isn't toxic and it isn't poisoning everything it touches. Because it is. No matter what he does, this is cause and effect rippling to poison the root and foundations of everything he tries to grow and build. I can't make anyone else face it or talk about it or want to heal it -- but I'm not going to tell you it isn't still poisoning everything it touches and destroying everything he tries to grow between him and me before it even has a chance to put down roots in the hopes to make a more permanent rapprochement... I can pretend with  you to keep the present seeming peace by treating it like it never happened doesn't continue to exist, but I will know it's poisoning everything at the root below the surface. And you should know that too not lie to yourself about it. 

 I'm going to finish up these old files I'm pulling and finish my tea I have and take the dog to head home soon.  And WHEN I get there, I'm going to make me go directly to bed get some sleep before i allow me to open Everlost and letting me read even "just one more chapter before bed" because we all KNOW how that ACTUALLY goes with a bookworm like me not falling asleep til after sunrise then and not having time for showering/coffee/food and getting my grandma to her very important afternoon appointment with the gerontologists. Which is NOT an April Fool's Day prank I want to play on myself, my grandma, or anyone else in my family.  And so the only way I know to keep that from happening is to not even allow myself to give into the temptation of opening the book until AFTER I have slept and taken care of the have tos in the morning and setting the alarms to make me set the book down and actually get out the door to leave, lol. .