So. I've been thinking this morning about what I said in that postscript about fear making us complicate the simple. 

"What if it really is that easy? What if all the overthinking is just.... unnecessary messes... that our minds have fabricated because we're so scared of not getting what we actually want so it's easier to just make up excuses/reasons that never would have existed at all if not for the overthinking. Like, what if it were just that easy, all we have to do is pay attention to the ACTUAL wanting and do what should be the easiest thing of all -- and just ignore all the fucking rest of the overthinking and distractions."

And I think I'm right about that, and more right than I realized when I said it. Because I said it from my heart in the moment of realization, of epiphany, of defiance, but I hadn't really explored the concept as such. It was new to me, the consideration of it. But I've spent most of this morning since sunrise laying in bed thinking about it. (O I thought about other things too, but exploring this concept about our fears being at the root of the complications and messiness was the main focus of my thinking.) And the more I examined it, not only did it feel right but I couldn't break it. (This is how I know when I get hold of a good philosophical or scientific question/idea worth pursuing, when I try to question it and break it from every angle I can think of but the idea doesn't break. If a what if or examining from a new angle can topple your hypothesis, then you have some shitty ass premises in there to reexamine and you might want to throw out your conclusion too because chances are low you arrived at a truth conclusion if your premises were such easily demolished shite.) 

I guess I can't speak for him and his choices thus far, but I do think in both of us it's what we're scared of, the fear being at the root of the complications/messes of what should be so simple. It's fear that he wants something other than me that motivates the martyring complex of my thinking/reacting of trying to let him go. It's not because I WANT to make me try to let go, it's because I get a belief (or fear) that he wants someone/something other than me and IF that fear/belief is true THEN I'm doing wrong by trying to hold onto the connection to him getting in the way of his happiness. I'm acting on the appropriate if/then for the scenario BUT the entire scenario is fabricated of belief/fear NOT necessarily his truth at the time. Because most of the time I get to being like that, I don't actually KNOW his truth or his desires -- and the obvious answer to cut the Gordian Knot would be that when I get to fearing/believing he might want someone/something else so me hanging on is in his way, I ought to ASK or find out his truth. Ask for his truth so the fear can't grow legs under it to do damage.... Only, we don't have means of communication open enough at this time for that, but it's what I SHOULD do, if I could. Try to ask and find out what DOES he want instead of letting fear build a scenario in my head as a premise that if anything makes me think that scenario could be true I jump to acting on the conclusion I drew from it. But it's the fear in me of that maybe, the maybe I'm not any part of what he wants this life, that sets the whole mess into motion. Just like it's the fear that the proof he doesn't want me is in how much time has passed without him ever choosing me, always choosing not me, so I'm wasting what time I still have by hoping/believing he will choose me at some point... 

It's fear at the root of the messes. And I don't have the evidence for it, but I'd lay down money that fear is at the root of how things got such a mess from his side too. Maybe a similar sort of fear to mine, about somehow not being good enough (whatever the hell good enough even means, good enough is a completely subjective measure after all) to be what the other person would want/choose for their life. Fear makes choices, actions, and inactions look fucking irrational from the outside -- and it makes you act exactly counter to your own wants and desires. And I don't know what his motivating fears are, but I think they're actually a mirrored reflection of my own fear that I'm not enough to be what he wants.... I'd lay down more money than I have that every time I pull away or try to give him up, it feeds a fear in him about losing me before he ever even got a proper chance or that he's somehow not good enough for me to want to stay. (That's not it at all, he's more than good enough by my standards, I can't think of anything I've ever wanted more. Me pulling away is about me giving him up for ethical reasons and/or thinking I'm not a part of what he wants/chooses for his life.)

If I'm right about that, it means that the actions he does from his fear feed my fear and when I act on it then it feeds his fears and it's just a messy ass feedback loop of heartache our fears have created as they reflect off each other. Which is stupid. Let's stop that. No more feeding fears, not our own and not the other person's. And that means no more acting/reacting based on a what if premise built by a fear. 

(And there is a fear in me that I might not be any part of what he wants this life... I try to stoic through accepting that idea, but it still hurts and I'm afraid it's his truth when I try to make me face the fear by accepting it. And it might not even be his truth at all, y'know? I'm just so scared it might be his truth that I try to face the fear by accepting it rather than finding out if it's even true, even with my considering as a what if to be faced. I do recognize that question exists in me and there's a fear the answer might not be in my favor....) 

And that brings me to a deeper more subconscious fear that I don't think has been abetting the self-sabotage and messes and complications built up between us so far but I can't say it isn't. And that's the fear of what if we don't fit this life, what if who we are right now doesn't work out? What then? I mean, it's a long time pulling and the bond is strong but that's no guarantee we can find a way to make who we are now fit together in healthy ways in a shared life, y'know? And there could be a temptation to sabotage the reality ever making us face that fear so we can hold onto the dream/vision/promise. And I don't think I'm doing that, but I can't swear I'm not because it would be a deep subconscious thing, and it is related to the fear of not being what he wants/chooses for his life.... 

But I think the only answer for that potential deeper fear is to jump in the deep end and try. The truth to counter the fear can only be found in doing the experiment. But also, it's probably worth jumping in the deep end with eyes open to making sure we try to figure out how to best fit together rather than assuming we automatically will/do. But that's a place for choosing empathy and honesty and a shared desire to find a way -- and that's solid foundations for building together but further along a real world life trajectory than anything we've got between us just yet.

And that's as far as I can shape into words my shadow work self examination on the ontological questioning of my statement last night about how fear has been creating and feeding all the messes/complications between us. Which means that it's time for me to get out of bed and make coffee and breakfast because I've time blindness contemplated the entire morning away....

But I stand by the obvious (but not necessarily easy) answer is to cut out the fear and all the complications it has bred and still breeds and simplify back to striving to achieve the wants/desires. Because acting only in the name of the wants/desires in each of us is not only more active and hope filled, but it is much easier than getting distracted wrestling straw men built by fear. I think we would both be happier and more certain if we both acted from the place of wants/desires and only reacted in ways that are truth seeking rather than fears feeding. 

And speaking of feeding things, I am quite hungry now that my thinking is at a good enough stopping point I can articulate the thoughts into word forms, I'm gonna go make some coffee and eggs and potatoes and carrots now! (And yes, I've been doing all that thinking and all this writing before any coffee to help focus my shotgun effect ADHD associative lightning leap brain.)

I should let the heart make (obvious seeming) ontological statements for my head to puzzle out more often. Much healthier than getting stuck in bad logic circuits pursuing the what if premises being scared creates....

P. S. Also. Think about this. If we have made such a mess of unnecessary complications across all these years by mirroring between us the fear we are somehow not good enough to be what the other wants (and we have, both been feeling scared of that and amplifying the fear by the mirror and reacting out of fear.) If we can make such a mess mirroring our fears that way, just imagine the beautiful things we could create if we focused on mirroring our desires to amplify the love between our souls..... Wouldn't that be something worth seeing and doing! If the mirroring is going to happen between us anyway, let's say "fuck focusing on that" to the fears and all the complications they've bred -- I want to find out all the bright and good and beautiful things we can create between us if we intentionally choose to act from the place of love and we mirror each other's desires instead of fears. Yeah, let's do that instead. Let's find out what happens if we both consciously decide to do that!!!!