It snowed this morning!!!

It was so beautiful and it brought such a peace upon the restlessness in my soul I had last night. Just this sense not to worry so much, that everything was working out and that I wasn't the only one who cares, and to give some time for what's already in motion to play out. It's funny how such a little thing as fresh snow makes such a difference in my overthinking headspace, blankets it all with beauty and stillness and faith, so I can just be in that inner heart space of calm and peace and trust where anything is possible. It's also when I'm quietly seated in my inner tranquility that I hear him the loudest you know. Down the bond. When I sit in my inner quietude, he's always very much present there with just that overflowing sense of being loved and cherished. The quieter my head is and the quieter his head is, the clearer that connection shines through between us. Even more so than in sleep and dream space, I have very active dream space after all. Not that it's EASY to quiet the over thinking of the head, my head can be a damn chatterbox of overthinking and what ifs sometimes -- just that deeper than all that surface agitation from the overthinking, there in the quietest inner stillness, that's where the pull of the bond and the strength of the lovelight and even the echoes of songs I've never heard with my ears before can be found. 

All of the believing that maybe I should let him go and all that messiness all comes from my head and from the physical tangible truths of this moment in time. But in the still place inside me, in my inmost heart and soul, there's only steady strong love and connection and fragments of song. If I could, I would want to stay always in the glow of that heart space and the place of inner quiet where there's no doubts in the connection just the strong ISNESS and love of the connection.

The more at peace I am, the stronger that steadying heart space knowing only the love and coziness of the bond shines through the overthinking  constantly active doing of life in the 3d world.

Is that normal? Do other people have that? I never questioned that before -- it's always been there shining at the center of me same as my faith that somehow this life we would find a way back to reunite. It's as normal to me as experiencing colors/lights with the timbres of music. And remember I was in my mid twenties when I read Musicophilia and discovered that synesthesia is NOT how most people perceive music -- up until that epiphany that most people don't have that, I thought some people liked garish clashing colors and I would never understand their aesthetics. But maybe it's like my synesthesia, maybe most people DON'T have that steady strong love bond in the quietest places of their heart space. Or maybe they just never get quiet enough to hear it and feel the steady pull and strength in their own heart space. But I wonder if maybe it's not something most people have.... I wonder if he feels it and can reach it too, if he gets quiet enough focuses inward.  I know sometimes he just floods love and light for me down through the bond and that quiet shared heart space just shimmers and shines golden and pearly with all that love light reaching me from him.

I miss it desperately when I try to deny it or shut it out because I think ethically I have to. It's like cutting off a core part of my esse, I find myself going through the motions of the day and filling my time with distractions when I try to deny or shut out the bond and that place where my inner peace is that's all full of his love's presence even in his physical absence.("So then stop doing that Dani." "O but I wish I never had a reason to ever again try doing that or believing that ethically it's the only right thing for me to do!!")

I don't know that I can find my center outside that quiet space in my heart. And I've never known that quiet space without feeling the bond and the strength and warmth of the love between us down the bond that creates and fills and suffuses that space.

Anyway. When it snows, it quiets my overthinking head and everything sparkles my child like delight and that quiet inner space stops getting drowned out by the noise and is just like, "I'm still here, this is still here, come into the love here and be at peace"

Also, the forecast has enough snow to please even me!

I'm so excited for the promise of all the snow in the forecast!!!  Gonna be such a good week for snuggling into the hygge coziness of life! I'm at work now (yes it's Saturday, but I set my own hours) and will be in a lot tomorrow so I can get my 40 hours in early then just bask in the coziness promised during the next week! ( And yes, I would very much LIKE to be at a point in our lives where physically hugging and snuggling with him could be part of that cozy hygge, but we're not right now and that is what it is -- but I'd still LIKE that to be a part of my truth. This week, next week, every week. I mean, if you're asking me what I WANT, not what I think practical to expect, then my answer would be "yes every week. Of course every week. Always want." What I want is what I want. It hasn't changed just because it sometimes feels it won't ever be made real. I still want what I want. My heart is a very damn stubborn thing once it's set on something. Pretty sure all he would have to do is show up wrap me in a hug and my heart would just be like, "Yes. See. This. This this this. This was what I've been telling you I want. Now was that so difficult?" Just short circuit the overthinking before it can make a mess of everything.

P.S. Updated forecast has even MORE snow next week!!!! So i updated the pictures, lol.

P.P.S. Okay but also. What if it really is that easy? What if all the overthinking is just.... unnecessary messes... that our minds have fabricated because we're so scared of not getting what we actually want so it's easier to just make up excuses/reasons that never would have existed at all if not for the overthinking. Like, what if it were just that easy, all we have to do is pay attention to the ACTUAL wanting and do what should be the easiest thing of all -- and just ignore all the fucking rest of the overthinking and distractions.

P.P.P.S. Okay but also also. Hear me out here. Granted it's not been that simple so far. But what if, can we just MAKE it that simple moving forward? Just decide that it's really that simple and we're just going to move forward on simplifying it to the core of the love shining at the center of everything and just choose that and to feed it and build upon it? Just, let's choose to make it that simple. Both of us. At the same time. Just choose not to make things so difficult when it doesn't need to be and shouldn't be.