So, I'm going through stacks of hand written papers and half filled notebooks (because fucking writers with ADHD man.... Lost fucking causes. I start to get things organized and assign the pretty notebooks to specific things then chaos and entropy happen and I find myself somewhere without any notebooks frantically scribbling down words so I don't lose them on any chit of paper or bar napkin I can find.... Even all my journals and musings that aren't here are almost all torn out sheets from various notebooks folded together and if I'm lucky dated on the first page but not numbered all stacked in no sensible order and not bound in a proper journal like a sane organized person does.  I actually started using this because it's convenient to me no matter where I am. It's my random bar napkins scraps of paper when I need to write something out, lol. So that gives you some idea of what the who knows what are in those unorganized random paper scraps. 

I even found the folder of all my grade school and middle school novels/writings, some of which I no longer even have the files. My retelling of Arthur, my 6th grade novella my Aunt Judi encouraged me to expand into a full novel/series about a brother and sister who were in Athens and accidentally got transported to Olympus woke up the Greek gods and reminded them we exist so brought them to the modern world. A Marion Zimmer Bradley style fantasy series I remember loving as I wrote it. I closed that folder right up for me to go through some other day to figure out what to keep, what is worth rewriting/repurposing for a more modern grownup version of me as a writer. Because nothing I was looking for would be in there.

Anyway, the reason I was going through these half organized stacks was to find ally different poems. I don't write poetry often, usually when I'm wrapping my head around strong emotions or an idea that need the structure of verse line form. But I do have a lot of random poetry scraps. And as mentioned, I spent too much money on my Audrey Pupburn when she was sick/dying and ended up with a lot of credit card debt right before interest rates rose and they're so loan shark high that I'm not making traction on paying that back down, I'm just trying to stay afloat not drown. It sucks and I should probably schedule talk to a banker at my credit union about my Home Equity Line of Credit on my condo to pay the credit cards off because that's a lower rate and the payments would actually cut swathes into the debt and give me some breathing space. I know I should, I have nothing but the ADHD to blame for not yet getting that done. Being the responsible adult in your life living in this mess of the modern world sucks. 

Anyway. Why any of that personal weights on my life right now matter is that I forgot until tonight going through my tabs that one of the writing contests I didn't close as not being worth my time is a poetry one for unpublished poets from some endowment or something with no entry fee, publication of your poems as book form, a contract, and a large cash prize. Kind of a big deal thing to forget about. But ADHD, out of sight out of mind. Anyway, if I can get my poems and fragments of observation/philosophy that read like poems into an order I like, it costs me nothing to at least submit because they don't keep ownership if they don't decide to give you the prize. 

That's why I'm going through all these papers in search of the poems and fragments. In various notebooks but also mostly just on random pieces of paper in all different sizes torn out of all different notebooks..... 

But I was thinking. And that's why I came here to tap these thoughts into the screen. I only write poetry from profound emotions in me, but the deepest hurts like the hollows of grieving death of a loved one I don't put into poetry form. I've written poems after breakups, but never about the deep grieving losses of death. And it struck me.... All the times I've tried to let go give up on the bond accept that this life isn't one where Eric and I come together, it sends me to the hollows and hits me like the death of a beloved family member or pet. And I've never written even a scrap of poem about him or about the depth of loss in giving him up or the untameable bubbling up of champagne bubble joy when I'm back on a path there's hope that maybe there IS a way for us to find each other choose each other be together in THIS life not some vague future lifetime.... It hits my emotions so deep and intense it's beyond the depths in my emotional storms that need poetry to give them form or certain mood stories told in verse form to capture the imagery and vibe in a way prose can't. Like the poem about a repeating terror of a vision dream that is why I wrote my dark poem Cwn Annwn.

Anyway. Just wanted to share that epiphany -- that trying to let him go or quiet the bond hits me like grief of a loved one dying and the hope of being together incandesces me like resurrection second chances. And all of it is too deep, too raw, too strong and intense, for me to even desire to put it into a poem. It's hard enough just surviving carrying it. And that's a just him thing. Other "lost loves" and breakups have hurt, but they don't cut so profoundly deep, and I have written poems about those others. Just not about the grieving as for the dead at the possibility of losing Eric from THIS life path in this lifetime right now. And that's an anomaly. It's a just him thing. Which makes it worth noticing. That it gut punches me like the grief of death, not just the spoiled child upset about the broken toy of a relationship breakup. 

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. So for now it's just an unusual truth about me thing. That the mourning over giving up my polar bear for this lifetime and the joy in hoping I might not have to walk this life path without him in it are things move so deeply beyond words that I've never even considered them as a source for my poetry scribbling of emotional states into word forms. I feel his absence too keenly in mourning and too deep a grief for it to be contained in words, no matter how beautifully constructed the words. especially words that anyone else might ever read.

Anyway, I'm going to drink tea and read for a bit then go back to making some order of the chaos of these poems and fragments. I have until Nov 2 to edit them and get them into the order I would want them if they were to be published in a first book... At least, if I want to even try for it. And it's a lot of money and I need the money right now because I'm actively VERY money stressed even though not talking about it much. And I have the poems, and a lot of them are really fucking good. They're just in chaos nebula form not organized solar systems forms.... (and I've known about this contest since Sept, I just forgot it lost it between other open tabs. I really don't have any excuse for doing this to myself......)

P. S. Um. Okay. I take it back. I did write one poem about him and the letting go and the hurt of it. But not while in the middle of this mess. I wrote it in 09, as a precog of what would be and the ripples of it reaching me even then. But I wrote it before our paths had ever even crossed this life. And I had completely forgotten about it until I picked up this piece of paper and saw the title ...

I don't think it's particularly good as a poem. But as a window into the non linear time blind isness of my wyrd gifts, it's priceless. Including that I wrote the wrong date as 2? because I didn't know it and that's the one edit on it I had to double check to fix. 😆 If you look really closely, you can still see the question mark under the 5. 🤣

 I have gotten (almost) all of my outdoor tasks done at work. Or at least, all the freeze sensitive plants have been brought in, nightshades that haven't been cut down for composting are inside, all the 20 bags (40 cu ft) of mulch put in the bed (though it's only half of what I need for the whole bed, and a thin layer at that because I didn't want to stop in the middle of a (relatively) clear area), the raised planter box that needs quite a significant amount of TLC (some of the boards have broken or wood rot from weathering AND this Spring one of the wheels broke off so it needs to be completely emptied of soil before it can be moved at all or and repaired either this autumn or after it comes out of storage in Spring before receiving new soil) has had over 3.4 of the soil (VERY nitrogen rich because that box has only had peas, nasturtiums, and marigolds in it the last three years and those are all nitrogen fixating plants) between the front bed and indoor plants and front planter boxes and should be completely done with moving that soil by the end of tomorrow even with a middday Packer game Zoom party with my sister's family.... I still have to harvest the remaining herb raised bed herbs that didn't get brought in and I'm waiting for my almond tree in a whiskey barrel to finish dropping its remaining leaves before bringing it in and bagging it for the winter. (They are winter hardy for all but our worst winters in my zone, but because it's in a whiskey barrel planter, leaving it outside would get ice crystal in the soil and along the roots that would kill it because the soil isn't insulated by surrounding soil and snow the way it would be if outside in the ground. So she comes in every winter.)  And of course the rest of the mulch if/when we get it before the first real snowfall. Less than eighth of an inch of flurries expected on Halloween day, but nothing that will last in the near forecast.

Funny enough, but 40s-50s gray days are some of my favorites for gardening. Which sounds very British/Irish of me but it's just really comfortable to garden at that temperature and haul things in jeans and a sweatshirt without worry about sun poisoning or overheating. I have redhead genes and very fair skin, so summertime gardening I easily sunburn which causes sun poisoning if I'm out during the scorching sun and heat of the day. I do it, but I have to be really cautious and aware of hydration and reapplying sunscreen. When it's gray days with some light rain and 40s-60s, gardening is much less of a constant checking on the time to make sure I self-care so I don't pass out and I can just state of flow hyperfocus on whatever tasks I need to get done regardless how much time passes or when I last drank any water or tea. Plus, it's really really lovely to come in with that sense of FINISHING the job and realize how cozy warm inside is and then make something hot to drink like hot cider or hot tea or hot coffee or hot cocoas and just cradle that hot mug in your hands and breathe in the aroma and bask in the joy of FINISHING the task instead of the weight of "things I still have to do quick drinking some water or iced tea or iced coffee and trying not to talk to people which would derail you but also trying to make sure you remember to reapply sunscreen... Summer gardening other than watering things always feels more like a chore to keep everything alive whereas Spring/Autumn gardening feels like the joy of completed tasks of plating/harvesting and finishing the job. 

Alright, I'm going to go finish topping soil on the indoor plants (turns out they eat it and the roots and water erosion don't completely replace it, lol) or at least the ones in the vestibule/hallway. And then I'm going to go through my veggies drawer at work and make a salad for dinner because I know I have some leafy greens to eat up and assess what I have here versus at home (my fridge at home is painfully low on food now that both CSA are ended, one where we choose and pay for what we want to get delivered and the other a small thank you box of surprises form a CSA that uses our store as their dropoff point/pickup point for this area of the west side...I need to go shopping or at least to farmer's market soon, lol) and then I will finish topping soil in the front sales floor and admin plants (I have a LOT of plants at work, most of which I've inherited form people who couldn't care for them or been gifted or found free from people who no longer want them because of their size -- the only ones I have bought to keep at work are ones that having at home would be dangerous if my cat chose assholery and chewed on them to tlel me he was upset I wasn't home often enough, lol) and then some more work at my desk (getting hours in for this coming week because I have plans to see Madiosn Opera's Tosca on Fri and then on Tues either heading to MKE for ghost stories at ICHC or will go to my mom's house for dinner and wine and to watch figure skating since Skate America was last weekend and we haven't gotten together yet) until whenever I head home. Tomorrow, back at work during the day to alphabetize some thing during the game and will put something together in the slow cooker for dinner and moving the rest of the dirt from the planter box that needs to be emptied into the bed, and watering the mid-cycle melodramatic plants (hibiscuses, fig trees, bird of paradise plants, nightshade plants) who get water every 3-4 days as opposed to every 8-12 days (and the succulents/palms get water every other 8-12 days), and some inputting/alphabetizing/filing until whenever I head home. And at some point tomorrow Crissy is going to stop by so we can get together for some discussion on my newest edits/chapters on the vampire novel because she's my accountability person who is excited for next chapters (something I need to keep me writing first drafts if I'm ever going to finish any of my real writing novels instead of getting distracted by shining new ideas) but it's been a while since we last met because life got super busy and her work has been stressful. 

P.S. I don't actually have anything to say right now to say about anything in my inner space or down the bond or regarding Eric. About all I have is that I would very much like to give him a big "I miss you and so I'm not going to let go til you're ready to let go" hug. I'd very much like that. Just physically. The bond is wonderful and a delight, but it's just not the same as being together IRL and actual hugs and in person being with someone, y'know? So I'd just very much like to give him that sort of hug, in person ACTUAL hug, and that's the strongest emotion in me toward him today/tonight. Mostly this afternoon/evening I've been dealing with plants and moving dirt/mulch and taking the dog on walks and playing fetch with the dog and munching on snacks and drinking hot tea and hot cider.

So I was pondering while laying in bed during the gloaming illuminating the fiery leaves of the choke cherry tree outside my bedroom window. (Couldn't properly call it a sunrise, more of a lightening from deepest dark into lighter and lighter shades of gloom. We had severe hailstorms on Monday ushering temps nearly in the 80s and rain in the 60s/70s the last couple days and today is light spotty precipitation not ambitious enough to even call a drizzle out of iron grey skies as a cold front moving in tonight to bring us down below freezing for like 6-8 hours in the early morn tomorrow.)  So I was laying there, trying to convince the snuggly animals that I really OUGHT to get up and make some coffee get dressed and if Waffles wanted a walk needed to get on that in case M was getting dropped off in the morning to spend the day with us (spoiler alert: Waffles did want a walk, but we agreed to keep it brisk paced to be home no later than 8:50 and that she would keep long bouts of sniffing to a minimum if I promised not to stop at the two little libraries en route that I just perused day before yesterday. Also spoiler alert: Mikaela was running too late for her mom to drop her off so I promised to be in the office by lunch to join them today and then get my outdoor tasks done to prep things as much as I can before the freeze and if I can get enough done and there's space between employee cars to cart over the bags of mulch maybe put out that before sundown at 6 now that the ground is FINALLY soaked enough I can safely put it down and have it retain moisture not repel it.)

Right. So. I was laying there cuddling the happy doggo sprawled along the length of me and kitteh curled up purring on my chest thinking about getting started on today's time imperative have tos and I just started laughing apropos of nothing because there was just an unexpected flood of love down the bond like, "Hi. Just so you know, I love you and this is real, k?" And it wasn't til after I had sent a returning wave of love and reassurance that I wasn't (currently) in the mood to do anything stupid (or try to insist it wasn't real I was just imagining it) down the bond that I had the sudden giggle quake that upset the cat enough to leave with affront and the dog to start frantically licking my neck and face because maybe we SHOULD get up for a walk not sleep snuggle all morning. And I just started laughing because, well, it just struck me as rather ludicrous how intangible any "rational" reasons for trusting and believing there's anything there or could be and yet how persistently strong and infallible the truth of it FEELS intuitively in the core knowing whenever I feel his soul reach down the bond toward me. It just sort of struck me as funny this morning at how defiant of logic and yet how unshakeable certain it is when I listen to it. (Aristotle would not approve. But Diogenes would suggest I find a chicken to pluck and tell Aristotle where to shove his logic ) 

And so then I leapt out of bed and was thinking coffee til Waffles started dancing that she WOULD like a morning walk before a midnorning snoozle so I quickly went to throw on some jeans and skivvies and a bra and tee shirt (did not brush my hair or do a damn thing with the curly bed head except run my fingers in it to assess if I could give it enough of a part to stay out of my face or if it needed to get pulled back.) And while getting dressed that amusement and hope and love was all bubbling up in me making me think of the Emily Dickinson poem and as I stepped outside with the dog, I declaimed to the tree barren of leaves and to my crow friend, Baby Jon, sitting in the tree waiting for me: 

"“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -" 

The crow Baby Jon liked that, flipped his wings and preened and then hopped back and forth along the branch excitedly asking for more so I promised him after the walk was over that I would look up the rest of it to tell him, because my pre coffee brain could only think of the first stanza right then. There was only the one young crow to greet us this morning because my murder got hit particularly hard by avian flu or poison this summer, there are also fewer squirrels and rabbits and chipmunks than usual so I'm going to guess poison probably a new lawn pesticide/herbicide poison but over the summer avian flu was bad again even if it didn't get much traction in news cycles. There aren't many of my crows anymore right near me but about half again as many more survived over by my work. Of the entire murder of 30+ who lived in the trees within a half block radius of my condo, only three that I know of survived "the sickening" and "the great fatigue" as they explained it and Jon Snow who I rescued all those years ago is not among them though his grandson Baby Jon who gave me the Shakespeare leather bookmark is one I'm very close to and is one of the few survivors -- not many songbirds around this summer or fall either, just one sparrow  visiting the choke cherry tree today instead of the hordes of cardinals and finches who usually visit to eat it. Mostly just the wild turkey flocks and about half the number of hawks as usual and  a couple owls and an occasional bluejay and a few remaining crows who are quieter and more cautious and mourning compared to their usual brash joyous chatter....

And so Baby Jon, the grandson of Jon Snow the baby crow who knew nothing when he fell out of his nest into a crowd of picnickers and dogs at Concerts on the Square over a decade ago, the crow flirted along with us jauntily cawing and exploring as we went around the big block and he hid from both flocks of turkeys we encountered because a lone crow is no match for even the yearling flock of turkeys. The bigger ones, the flock of Tom's, were NOT moving out of the middle of the sidewalk in our path til my 8:40 warning alarm went off to for if M was coming over before 9. And my morning alarms are rooster calling because the first time I found that in my options it made me laugh and 9 out of 10 times I hear it, it makes me laugh even if first thing in the morning when I didn't get enough sleep. So even though I grabbed it turned it off right away, that first startlingly loud cock-a-doodle-doo spooked the hell out of the wild turkeys, sent them running across the road faster than I've ever seen turkeys run. 🤣 it's the happiest most mischievous crow like I've seen Baby Jon in months as he watched those toms take off from the sound of a rooster on my phone alarm. He called Baby Jack and Baby Dawn (the other two survivors) who came winging in to chuckle and circle and watch the turkey toms run like that. 

And also I have no idea WHAT my neighbors must think, but I definitely first thing after taking the dog's leash off and giving the cat a few quick pets grabbed the book from the poetry shelf in my bedroom then went and opened the balcony door and sat down on my balcony chairs and called out, "Baby Jon, did you want the rest of that poem then?" And the crow came flying over to sit on the balcony and the other two sat a bit further away in the tree (they're a bit more skittish cautious of me and they're a matched/mater pair) so I read to them from one of my Emily Dickinson poetry books:

"“Hope” is the thing with feathers -

That perches in the soul -

And sings the tune without the words -

And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -

And sore must be the storm -

That could abash the little Bird

That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -

And on the strangest Sea -

Yet - never - in Extremity,

It asked a crumb - of me."

I read it to them three times before Baby Jon flipped his wings started strutting to tell he was good with that one for now and then he pecked at the book to ask for another poem and I laughed told him I would read them some more Emily Dickinson another day because I needed to go make some coffee now and figure out a quick breakfast. I don't actually know how much my crow friends understand, but it's like talking to the dog or cat so they know what's going on just in case they understand the words/telepathic intent behind the words. It never hurts to be polite. Especially when dealing with animals, fair folk, trees, spirits, angels, and messengers from old gods.

And yes, I am the weird elf witch girl who finds lost black tuxedo cats at midnight of Friday the 13th and lifelong befriends crows and after taking her mostly black dog on a walk, reads to her crow friends (and the cat and dog sitting inside the balcony screen door watching us) some Emily Dickinson poems on a brisk gray autumn morning less than a day before the full blood moon eclipse just three days before Samhain -- and no you can't train or shame or change that weird out of me. Either accept my wyrd (and hopefully love it) or don't but I am quite shameless and honest about my wyrd in this life and unless you want a whole world of stubborn defiance from me I suggest never trying to change that about me.

Now. Coffee and I think maybe I'll heat up some bread cheese (jaastelopeia (sp?) It's a Scandinavian thing, outside toasts crispy and inside gets gooey and it's delightful as the weather turns and for late night snacks! Best with lingonberry jam, but any tart berry jam or maple syrup or honey is like a mini miracle of delight when you're hungry after a brisk walk in the autumn/winter brisk) to have with jam because that is way less work than chopping up veggies to figure out something more substantial to make and still be hungry again by lunch time.

O! Thinking of which!

So the main reason I wrote that last post was just.... Ok so when the moon moved into Pisces, I just start feeling all the feelings super strongly and I'm like that every time the moon is in Pisces. As I've said before, I tend to find my emotional state more strongly affected by whatever SIGN the moon is in than the PHASE the moon is in. Which is like some next level witchy shit and the day that I figure it out my mind was completely blown by the realization. Anyway. so, Mercury moved into Scorpio like midnight on Sunday and the sun moved into Scorpio late morning on Monday and during all that the moon was in Aquarius and so like starting Sunday morning I just went full tail spin into a "Nope nope nope, you shared too much, let too much in before being certain you could/should trust and chile you need to pull the fuck back before you get your ass hurt yet again. Stop trusting, pull back, pull back, pull back, you don't even know how much of who he IS versus who you want to believe him to be. Don't trust until you have better reasons than just because you want to believe in someone else's love for you." Which was pretty shitty, especially along the bond where every little shift ripples and echoes extra loud. But then Tuesday morning, the moon moved into Pisces and I started feeling all the thing extra empath strong... and louder than that voice of cold water warning distrust, I started to hear the echoes down the bond of his pain and confusion over why I pulled away like that and wasn't saying anything to explain it, and it just got louder and louder and louder until I couldn't take any more feeling badly that maybe I'd caused hurt so I wanted to at least put into words what had happened and WHY.

and after I stopped being so reactionary and realized I should maybe put into more concrete form where that reaction was coming from, after I put it into word form. I just got this strongest rushing surge of relief and love down the bond like a big hug saying, "It's alright if you can't trust my love quite yet, I know it's real and I know my growth. As long as you love me and want me, trust can be earned. Just as long as the love still IS."

And I just. I wasn't expecting that. I wasn't expecting such a rush of love and reassurance down the bond to my overthinking reactionary questioning if I said/assumed/trusted too much and needed to pull back and keep to myself. Like, it was just a really unexpected sweet heady reaction. All warm sunshiney, not sure I deserve it, but there's enough love there that if you can be certain for me through this bout of overthinking second guessing I can be certain for you when you're the one overthinking second guessing yourself.

And maybe it's all in my head but that definitely has had me feeling just.... relaxing and thawing a bit and feeling that somehow it will be alright just to trust in love and intuition that runs deeper and truer than any/all the questioning. 

So I just wanted to be fully honest about that. Because things DID shift once I admitted what I was doing and when/why it happened.

Also. COMPLETELY unrelated. But I'm at work, just me and my dog, me inputting while catching up on some podcasts while my dog catches up on some deep sleep snoozles between bouts of zoomie fetch time. And I just scared the living daylights out of a jumping spider that scared me when I went to pickup my cuppa tea and it was chilling on the stapler right behind my mug and I had enough of a startle jump reaction so I baptized in Shou Mei white tea the spider AND several invoices on the top of the stack I'm inputting and my planner book and my copy of The Haunting of Vancouver island.... White tea EVERYWHERE. And that poor spider, wasn't even jumping to attack me, just jumping AWAY from me because I terrified it when I moved the cup it thought hid it from the giantess.... (And now I have no idea where the spider ended up.... haven't seen it since... but the worst of it is I KNEW the spider was somewhere nearby because I had watched it climb down the wall, assessed it wasn't a venomous spidey so just watched it wander down the wall then over my monitor to the area right around near the stapler and teacup and plants. But it wasn't the fact it was a spider or any sort of fear reaction, it was the "something is moving unexpectedly need to get my hands out of the danger radius" instinctual pull back jump reaction. But yeah, Shou Mei tea baptism everywhere. Including all over the spider who still ran away right fast. I actually don't know what happens to a spider when it gets lukewarm tepid tea accidentally poured all over it..Hope I didn't hurt the poor lil guy. I'm quite certain I just terrified him with the unexpected raging whims of giant goddesses beyond his comprehension as much as his sudden movement startled me.)

P. S. As a Capricorn moon who's recently been in an overthinking asking the defensive (potentially) wrong questions, I felt very very called out by Nicholas' Capricorn reading for November. But like, called out in a way that made me laugh and then go back and listen to it again because it was that bop on the nose I rather needed and deserved and hadn't gotten until I watched this tonight. (But I probably needed more the love and reassurance down the bond to soothe me and calm me before I got something stupid in my head. I mean, I definitely needed that down the bond more than I needed the nose bop down the bond for my crisis of bad premise overthinking reactionary defensiveness for no good reason.)

 When Mercury entered Scorpio, I started to feel myself inadvertently withdrawing and turning inward. When the sun joined Mercury in Scorpio, I felt myself distancing further, questioning, doubting, considering shutting this back to private.... Basically I've been in a bit of an "access denied to my inmost self unless you can make me believe I can trust you and that you won't use that access to hurt me." If or when or where such questions arise, when I get like this it's not unusual for me to want to delete the comment/communication if I can. It's like the way I get when the moon is in Scorpio, but more so because Mercury stays in a sign longer than the moon does. Just be grateful we not currently moon and Mercury (and sun) in Scorpio or I'd be setting private deleting every comment I overthink or might be misunderstood off of everywhere..... 9 out of 10 times, if something I commented disappears or something I wrote here disappears back to private draft, it happened when either the moon or Mercury were in Scorpio ...  

It's really not personal, it was a very abrupt inner shift inside me that took me by complete surprise of an internal reactionary questioning and closing off after a period of so much expanding trust. And then the most recent round of anti-Israeliand antisemitic things shared and their rationalized justifications of it from Irish musicians I had considered friends and who still claim to be my friend didn't help with the questioning and trust issues and second-guessing coming in on the horizon. 

Probably worth mentioning that I do have a Scorpio stellium with the only inner planet affected being my Venus (and a Sagittarius stellium, though the only inner planet of that is my Mars) and so sometimes transits through Scorpio and Sag hit me extra intense even though neither are among my aun, rising, or moon signs..... 

Don't take it personal. You probably didn't do anything wrong. I'm just hit hard this week in an introspection of second guessing questioning if I've been too open in access to my inner self and/or in my responsiveness. It will pass. Like the weather it will pass. (But also like the weather lately, probably feels a bit chaotic and crazy and you fucking can't wait for it to pass, lol )

Just being honest about it. And if I don't write here much for the next while, assume that is why. 

This week I have no further concrete plans except taking my gran to a dentist appointment on Thurs now her permanent custom crown replacement is in and work (and somewhere between Sunday night and tonight my work desktop decided it was pretty well done with existence. Not my favorite. And the workstation I tried to use tonight after I finished watering all the plants didn't have admin rights for me to move or edit files on the server which was what I needed to do so I just alphabetized a bit til I finished my tea. Next week is fairly chill too now that my parents rescheduled their early Nov Panama trip yet again to now be end of February -- just the last minute addition of seeing Madison Opera on Fri perform Tosca with Denis and Crissy (if Denis who is the one who is most keen on opera and asked if we had interest actually remembers to pickup tickets.)  So unless life has some curve balls for me, mostly some unexpectedly chill time coming up.

Telling myself I won't go there, Oh, but I know that I won't care, Tryna wash away all the blood I've spilt. This lust is a burden that we both share, Two sinners can't atone from a lone prayer. Souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt. There's darkness in the distance, From the way that I've been livin', But I know I can't resist it. Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time. You and I drink the poison from the same vine. Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time. Hidin' all of our sins from the daylight, From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight. From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight. Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time. Tellin' myself it's the last time, Can you spare any mercy that you might find, If I'm down on my knees again? Deep down, way down, Lord, I try. Try to follow your light, but it's night time. Please, don't leave me in the end. There's darkness in the distance, I'm beggin' for forgiveness, But I know I might resist it. Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time. You and I drink the poison from the same vine. Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time. Hidin' all of our sins from the daylight. From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight. From the daylight, runnin' from the daylight. Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

 I've had to mute a lot of my Irish friends on social media and questioning if they can even be considered friends after some of the things they r posted/said and a couple conversations we've had these recent weeks and that's been hard on me. For historical reasons, there are a lot of Irish who are staunchly pro-Palestinian and anti-Israeli and who think any sort of violence is justified when fighting against a British created colony on a native population which is the only way they see Israel.  A lot of them see this as a way of getting to freedom fight for Irish independence without having to have the violence at home killing their own family members. And they have said and shared some of the most violently anti-Semitic, pro-Hamas in the name of anti-Zionism justifying the victim blaming of the horrific attacks. They justify it and that there "are no innocents amongst those who live complicit with state sanctioned violence" in the same way a percentage of Irish have historically justified IRA backed terror within Ireland and the UK in the name of their own Irish identity.

But it's hard to have someone who you have been friends with and cared about tell you that "if you had been there, which thankfully you weren't, you would have deserved what happened because you live as a holdover of British colonialist because there's no innocents amongst those who profit off a state of oppression." And it just hurts to be told that... Especially from people who supposedly claim they care about you.

It's had me extra argumentative looking for the smackdown and insult. And it's also made me feel a bit more reclusive.....

Those I have been closest to recently and care most about right now, Keith and Aoife (whose da just passed away suddenly this last week) and her family, have not been that way. But some people like Fergal have definitely been sharing things and saying things that cross that line....  And like, Keith hasn't been and has backed off doing rebel songs (as opposed to other classic Irish songs) for his series of reels hiking all over ruins of Ireland with his guitar to give history than sing a song in the space of it that he's been doing this year. But his cousin (who I've met, in August) and other people close to him have been crossing that line of victim blaming and saying you can't be a victim if you're a citizen of the nation oppressing a "native" occupied people. 

The rabbi in Boston who was stabbed on Thursday and the rabbi stabbed (and killed) outside her home in Detroit this Saturday during the sabbath have definitely added to the fear of being hated for nothing other than being Jewish...Especially because we're right around the anniversary of the tree of Life synagogue massacre which was the deadliest anti-Semitic attack in the US. And that's just stateside, it's been worse in the UK and EU nations with large Muslim populations. And yes, there has been violent attacks in the states against Muslims, including the six year old stabbed and killed in Chicago since this started... But there's a very real fear amongst Jews wondering, "But are we safe and supported here?" in the ways people are reacting to what their social media algorithms have been portraying the conflict and blaming Israel for all of it... Especially since both American and British policing authorities have decided that using the Hamas slogan at pro-Palestinian protests isn't hate speech unless you're saying it to a Jew or outside a synagogue as a threat.

And it just hurts and it's hard right now. And it makes a girl question who she can trust and be expecting a fight even when none was intended... I've been considering closing paths of communication and have been minimizing all social media usage because of it. If I've reached out or responded or communicated or spent time with you, it's because I trust that at a bare minimum you're not going to victim blame try to tell me that the dead who were attacked deserved it and if I had been there, like for the music festival, I would have deserved what was done.

Like I said right at the start of it, when you're a woman who was born in Jerusalem to American parents, it all hits home harder and the "there but for the grace of G-d go I" is even stronger in me than it is in the fear of most Jews right now. And these last 4-5 days have been extra hard.... because people I know and have trusted and welcomed me within the community have been the ones saying innocent civilians, even me had I been there, deserved what happened because freedom fighters can do whatever they want against British imposed colonialist oppressors.... because they see Israel-Gaza as the new modern day Irish fight for their independence against Irish genocide at the hands of the British....

And like I don't want to talk about it all the time, but honestly, most of this month has had me deeply questioning issues of trust and friendship and genuine goodness of people and where I should expect the next kick in the gut betrayal victim blaming of Jews.... because some of the people I've heard it from have hurt so badly, people I've known and called friends for over a decade and who have said that we are all like a family within the Irish music community, but apparently not if you're a Jew upset about anti-Semitic attacks on Jews by people who explicitly state in their charter that they seek the death and destruction of all Jews.

[Post Title: Lyrics to the David Kushner song Daylight. I very much adore this song, it's been on heavy rotation with me these last 6 months or so. But I DEFINITELY thought it a Hozier song for the first 50 times I heard it before I had it stuck in my head tried to look it up and did a, "Wait what?! That's NOT Hozier?! There voices are identically colored!"  Blew my mind the first time I learned it, lol.]

O, I never explained WHY that unstated premise is inside me that any disconnect in the bond I instigate is only temporary and why that matters, did I? And WHY, well, the answer to why questions is almost invariably the most important missing pieces of information. And I  drank too much whiskey (finished off the last of my bottle if Green Spot) while re-reading the end of the adventures of Sinbad from 1,001 Nights translated into French so I'll give you that why, even if you never did ask.  I'm feeling overly honest and I currently feel that this is a truth that speaking it doesn't make me vulnerable in my weaknesses to state, just honest in my soul's truth.

It's because the separation can only ever last for as long as he is choosing and valuing other people and things more than the value he places on choosing me. As long as that is finite, then the duration that the bond is muted can only ever be finite. Only until he wants again misses me enough to choose me. And why is that?

Well. I would just like to state, very clearly, for myself and for everyone else this enduring truth about me and my soul and my nature: 

If you ask me what I want, in any life, my answer always has been and always will be that I want Eric and the love between our souls thriving and shining and strengthening the both of us. In a million lifetimes, with any and everything on the table for me to choose between, I'd choose him. Every damn time.  The trick of it is, I only want him so long as he wants me and I'm what he would choose for himself -- otherwise there is no meaning to it if he doesn't want me same as I want him. Any and every time he chooses otherwise than to be with me (no matter what the reason) it is my nature to let him go until such a time as he would choose me again. Because I would rather he be happy than be mine, I won't selfishly hold onto him whenever what he wants for himself or his life lessons doesn't include having me in his life. But o, what I would rather most of all is for him to be happy AND be mine, for him to choose me as I would choose him. That's what I want most of anything, it's my greatest hope and the shining light of promise for me for any life to be truly a reward life. 

I don't expect it every lifetime, and I will always bow myself out when he chooses "not me" for his priorities and desires and I'll let him go as far from me as his heart and lessons take him. But I'll always hold onto the hope that one of these days he will learn whatever lessons he needed to learn without me and his own heart will pull him back to me and the homesickness of long absence will lead him back and maybe, just maybe, we will get the joy of another lifetime with each other and learning who we have become and how these new versions of us fit together complement one another in new ways the old lives versions of us didn't yet. 

He just has to choose me as what he wants and be certain of it and stick to that certainty. That's all he has ever had to do. And whatever shadows and phantoms got between us don't actually matter because fuck them, they are not strong enough to stand between us when we both choose each other. He just has to free will make that his choice and stand in that truth.

But you should know and always know, that no matter what has been said or done or chosen, no matter how many lifetimes it has been, I will always and always and always choose him so long as I am what he wants and he chooses me. In a million lifetimes and a million more, however many lifetimes I keep incarnating and even if I can choose to be with his soul beyond the incarnations, that truth of mine will never change. Everyone and everything else is me making the best of the hand I'm given and the options I have -- but any time he's one of my options and he wants me, I will choose him. Always. 

And you should know that. Because I know that. And while I've always been better at blunt honesty than vulnerability, still I'm not writing here to lie to myself or anyone else. So I gift you that truth, it's one I'd never deny if anyone ever bothered to ask me for it. 

Now that I've said that piece, I'm going to put the kettle on to make a second steep of this Chocolate Drizzle tea then while it cools to a drinkable temperature, I'm going to go shower so my hair has enough time to dry before I meet up with Crissy, Denis, and Karissa at Heritage for brunch before symphony before the Packers game today. 

 But know always, I will always want him and choose him as long as I'm what he wants and chooses for himself. Always and always and always. Nothing else can touch that. Nothing else ever has.

So. I was thinking.  And. I know that I SAY that when I try to give him up and mute the bond between our souls, it's because I genuinely believe it's what he wants and what he chooses for himself and the happiness he seeks and the lessons his life path must lead him down. And I mean it when I say it and I believe it in every fibre of my being and believe it down to the deepest depths of my soul because if I didn't, if in that moment I had any shadows of doubt or thought I might hurt him in taking the bond from him trying to make it dormant, I would be unable to see it through move forward to quiet the bond try to render it inaccessible. 

But. And. Now here's the part that's the fucking kicker and I never realized until just now tonight.... 

When I do that, I never believe it's forever. I never have. I always think it's an infatuation, a lesson to be learned, something he should pursue while he wants it more than he wants me so he doesn't come to resent me or the bond between our souls.... But the truth is, if I dig deep and deeper into the foundations of my unexamined premises, I always have an assumption somewhere inside me that it's a passing infatuation. That it's not something that lasts, just something to be endured for a time like a change of seasons until the weather changes again. I always assume that eventually, at some point, the infatuation will wear itself out and he will feel again the pull of the bond and the absence of me in his inner spaces and even if it takes all the rest of this lifetime we're stuck within for an infatuation to run it's course, they will all burn themselves out and the bond will remain to be picked up again when he's ready for it and recognizes his need of it. 

There is no time, in all the times I have tried to martyr myself to give it up in the name of his current happiness that I have believed that it would be a lasting separation, a forever severance between our souls. 

I have always in my deepest core truths believed that any time and every time that we both miss and yearn for each other, our souls will pull toward each other like magnets and no matter anything else going on our lives will rush back toward seeking each other until we are once more as close to one as two separate souls in two separate bodies can be. 

It's part of what has helped me endure the brutal nature of denying myself what I want and the hollows of grieving his absence in my life -- that I have always believed it to be temporary and that this too shall pass and on the other side we will find each other once again. Somehow. And no distractions and no powers on heaven or earth or any other realm can stop that force between our souls that pulls toward the other like a lodestone pointing north. 

It's funny. But I didn't realize til just now this early morning. That all my attempted "sacrifices" were built on the unshakeable belief that such a sacrifice was temporary and could be endured because it's not and could never be a permanent severing between our souls being drawn to seek each other across any physical distances and across lifetimes. 

I'm not entirely sure what to make of that truth. But as it is my truth, I felt it deserved to be your knowledge as well as mine. Because is it really even a sacrifice if deeper than  any pain over what you're giving up from your life you believe you will gain once more what you have lost once he sees through the hollow infatuation for the lack of true happiness it will always become? I don't know, I don't think so though. Waiting hardly counts as a sacrifice. Unless you're a Christian who believes in the literal resurrection gospel of the sacrificial lamb, where you never really sacrificed anything because you pulled a j/k do over for that whole dying to wash away your sins thang. And as I have said before, I am not and have never been a Christian soul....

But I've never doubted that in the end, they're always infatuations he's pursuing for what he believes will bring him happiness, and so I'm only giving up the bond to him for as long as it's ethically necessary. But not forever. Never for forever. 

I have never even considered giving up him or the connection or the bond forever. Only for now. And there's a world of difference between forever and for now.  Especially when you're talking about goodbyes... It's the difference between farewell and until the next time.  And I've never even in my darkest most self-sacrificing stoic ethics lost hope that somehow there WOULD be a next time, somewhen further down the path beyond my current line of sight. 

Does that make me less stoic? Less brave? Less of a martyr? Does it make the attempt to sacrifice him and the bond something hollow or a sham because there's no real sacrifice in it? To believe that somewhere down the line, when we are once again both ready to seek each other, there will be the hope and promise of a future chance to get the story right. Is that faith as small as a mustard seed to build miracles upon or is it a lie that destroys any nobility from the actions? Is it just pathetic to cling to such a frail hope that his longing/seeking/desire will outlast any infatuation, no matter what reality plays out? I don't know. I've never tried to judge it, because I never even questioned that foundational premise of how I understand the bond to function.

I don't know. Judge it how you think best. But I know that despite everything that has come before, that unspoken belief and faith has always stayed alive somewhere inside me. That if not now, then somewhere down the line we will find our paths to seek each other out and meet again and have another chance to get the story right. 

 The moon moved out of Scorpio into Sagittarius and I went from examining the deep feelings to telling myself, "Look, you're building castles in the air on the most tenuous of connections to suit the meaning you want to see. Stop it. Stop lying to yourself and confront the hard truths you have at your disposal. Doesn't much matter what you WANT what he said to be about you, you ain't got shit to tell you it is. Wanting a truth is as bad as lying to yourself. You know it is. So stop that. And go find something, someone, somewhere else to put your energy girleen. Somewhere it's reciprocated....." 

And right now, I can't say if that's right headed or wrong headed, I just know it's practical truth speaking of what is factually known and dismissive of what is inner knowing as being just what I want to be true..... So I neither accept nor reject that analysis, because the sparkly dancing brightness in me recently and the love rushing down the bond from him IS, no matter what the pragmatist fact seeking logic says. But the advice is sound at least to put my energy into something else rather than believing in blind hope fixating on a dream that may never come true and making meaning that I want to see instead of understanding what is/was actually said. The advice at least is good, good enough to get a girl through the day and the night, then the next day and the next night, then the next and the next and the next and so on, one day at a time.

So I'm going to drink the rest of my French press of black coffee and finally read The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V. E. Schwab and not think about anyone or anything outside this set of moments I'm in. Because thinking about it won't change it, especially if the connections and meanings I've made are nothing but made up delusions of what I want to be true with no relation to what IS his truth. The book called to me even in hard cover every time I browsed a bookstore and I picked this book up when it first came out in paperback but hadn't been in the right headspace for it, I like to read books at just the right time. I can reread them as many times as I want, until they become old friends, but the first read of a new book happens only once. So I like to buy them and keep them as promises to my future self until the season and the hour and my inner space and everything feels just right aligned for the perfect first date with the book. The best book experiences are when you get it just exactly right for that first read.... anyway, I just started reading this book this morning after taking the dog out on a postprandial after brekkie walk so I'm only 50pgs in, but very much enjoying this novel so far!!!  I relate far far too well to this main character -- though in my case it's the memories of many lives that I remember and others don't always seem to remember me, not a curse and an ongoing single life after making a Faustian Dorian Gray deal with the old god of darkness. But still it's eerily close to how it feels to remember a shared past and yet nobody else ever seems to remember you from it.

"It is coming together now, words wrapped over melody. It is becoming his. It is like a tree, taking root. He will remember, on his own; not her, of course -- not her, but this. Their song....somewhere between the first sip and the third he sees her, and smiles, and for an instant Addie thinks -- hopes, even now --- that he remembers something, because he looks at her as if he knows her, but the truth is simply that he wants to; attraction can look an awful lot like recognition in the wrong light." (p. 56)

My purse books are both about hauntings because the veil is thinning and Samhain approaches. One is fictional ghost stories, the other is a book of local folktales about the ghosts/spirits/supernatural on Vancouver Island. 

Because it's spooky season, damnit! Last night I read the first story in Haunted Nights and very much enjoyed it, tonight at work I'll start the ghost stories from Vancouver Island book while I wait for the watering can to fill while taking care of the melodramatic plants that get water every 3-4 days rather than the 7-12 for the full watering of everyone My plan is to switch off between the two purse books in my pauses when most people pull out a phone for mindless scrolling, one story/chapter in each til they're both done.

P. S. Hawktail & Väsen last night was an incredible show!!!!!!! All instrumental compositions, but just brilliant brilliant musicianship and layers of melodies throughout!!!! I adored everything about it! They are each good separate, but together they were extra brilliant! And I loved how Hawktail geeked out over Väsen and Väsen geeked out over Hawktail.  Such a beautiful beautiful night of instrumental music and so many funny stories both bands shared last night!!! So good!!!! It made my soul sing for joy in being in those moments, getting to hear the music in person, right up front in the first row so the sound waves resonating directly from the instruments reached my ears clearly and my color-timbre synesthesia was it's most dazzlingly brilliant could catch all the glorious colors on all their stringed instruments!!!! Hawktail is fiddle, upright bass, nylon string guitar and Väsen is either bass viola or shoulder cello and a nyckelharpa (sp?) which is a bowed keyed Swedish instrument I've seen, and it's an ancient one been around since 1350 at least, but for the life of me no matter how many times I see/hear it played I just don't understand how exactly it produces the sounds it makes so it falls under the category of "spider finger magic" for how it produce the notes it makes, along with concertinas and button accordions, lol. I'm up to three instruments that are unfathomable to me the science of soundwave propagation for how the acoustics of them work so it must be spider fingers magic to play them. 😆

 For what it's worth, I genuinely don't think Eric has any intention of doing anything that makes me feel like the only ethical choice I have is finding some way of closing off the connection. I think it was complete sincerity and certainty and vulnerability that he said his work now is to stay open. And I believe him on that. There was no reason for him to say it all on his own apropos of nothing except what he wanted to communicate unless it was his truth, y'know? I get nothing but honesty and sincerity and certainty and love and determination from him right now. I mean crystal clear certainty and the brightest deepest love light burning inside him. Been many centuries, many lifetimes, since I remember him THIS certain and stubborn and determined and clear and shining full of love this clear and bright. It's really intense and heady down the bond, all the time, in a good way. In a really good way. Just also very strong and very constant. And it's the same on the inside via the bond as what he put into words t'other day.

I just mentioned it because it was incredibly painful for me to do, and just because I CAN do hard things doesn't mean I LIKE doing hard things when I feel like I have to choose between ethics and what my heart desires.

And also. It's also my truth that I really really don't want to end up in a situation where I have to try to  close off the bond again. I hate doing it, and every time I do there's an insidious part of me that questions why I let him back in and reopen the bond just to be hurt later when I have to cut myself off from it. And it gets louder every time experience proves it right.... That maybe I shouldn't have reopened the bond again, maybe all it can do is give false promises and disappointment and the pain of having to cut off the love and warmth and strength of it. 

I hate that part of me that asks those questions, but I lack anything solid to refute it. And the more times we repeat the same patterns and cycles, the harder it gets for me to tell that message to stfu on the subject of not reopening the bond....

In other news, not at my parents tonight and not doing the cider pairing dinner on Thursday -- my maman was sick feeling schmutzy yesterday then tested positive for covid last night. My da tested negative and has no symptoms, but my mum is sick. So I didn't go join her for dinner tonight while my da was playing cards with his friends (he also didn't go tonight, just in case.) I'll test myself regularly even without any symptoms since I picked them up from the airport on Saturday was in an enclosed car and then sat right next to my mum on Sun at Aladdin (and none of us wearing masks.) But I'm still planning to go to see Hawktail tomorrow night and to symphony on Sunday (unless I come back positive) but I'll probably mask just to be safe as both tend to have more old people (especially symphony.) I did let Crissy know and she told me not to worry about masking in the car unless I have symptoms or test positive and she still wants to do dinner tomorrow night before the show but she said she would also wear a mask at the show if I chose to just because old people. And I'm still planning to go to brunch at Heritage with our symphony group on Sunday beforehand (unless symptoms show up or I test positive.) But the thing is, even after known exposures, I've never yet had covid symptoms or tested positive no matter how many tests I take...thus why I'll be honest to my friends about known exposure before sitting down at the same table to eat a meal and I'll proactively mask to protect old people at the opera house and at symphony just in case. Because I don't know everyone's story and I'd feel real shitty if I were the reason that someone on chemo or immunocompromised or just old got incredibly sick or died because of me....it's why I always wear a mask whenever I take my grandma to her appointments (most of which are medical of some sort or dental) because even though she's had covid multiple times now and is more likely to get me sick than the reverse, I'd feel like a real shit person if I knew I was the person who had introduced it into her elder care place or got someone whose stories I don't know (and have no right to ask to know) sick from crossed paths in a random doctor's office/dentist office -- I mean, that's one of the places immune compromised vulnerable people HAVE to go, so why not do the easy thing to help protect them from me if I'm asymptomatic.

Sucks that my maman is sick though.... (My da just had covid a couple months ago when my grandma got covid bad, he picked it up from caregiving her through her bout of covid -- even though I was the one who went when she was the worst to get the covid test so we could get the paxlovid rx asap, I went in with minimal things (even left my purse in my car, just had my keys, my phone, and the covid test kit), masked, gloved, and with an easy to remove washable outer layer then stood outside in the wind for a long while after having thrown out the mask/gloves right outside the door and kept the windows open for air flow the whole drive back.) She has a hard time too with anything that goes into her lungs, but it may be too late to get her on paxlovid.

~*~*~*~

ALSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST ANNOUNCED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE CORONAS ARE COMING BACK IN MARCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND I GET TO SEE THEM TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I squeeed so hard started jumping up and down in excitement when I saw their insta post this afternoon! (which showed up way sooner than the same fb post because algorithms man....) And then after the initial delight, I got such a heavy dread on me over whether those were the same dates as the first week of March Aoife Scott show at ICHC until I checked the dates and saw that Aoife plays on the 3 and Thr Coronas shows are the 5 & 6. (which would have been highly ironic if they had overlapped given that Danny (lead singer/songwriter) and Roisin (who plays keys and sings harmonies with the band) are Aoife's cousins, lol. As in, Danny/Ro's mam and Aoife's mam are Mary and Frances Black from the famous Black Family and are basically like, the absolute most important royalty of Irish music.) 

But there is no overlap!!!!! They're different days!!! So I get to see Aoife and Danny and Ro!!!!! So by the time I told Crissy about it, I'd verified and was back in can't hold still my face hurts from grinning so huge excitement of my first reaction.

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

The Coronas had been one of my absolute favorite of favorite rock bands since I first heard Heroes or Ghosts!!!! So many songs I love!!!! They have been an absolute "must see every time they are driveably near" band for the last 15 years, even when they rarely ever played stateside!! And the funniest thing is that I have adored them for so long since the first time I heard Heroes or Ghosts and I just stood completely still and time stopped moving listening to it for fear of breaking the beauty of the song and made people listen to them on repeat all through college after discovering them. But I had absolutely no idea that Aoife is Danny's cousin when we first became friends at Irishfests (and it was her first year touring, first album release after spending most of her life refusing to enter the family business of music even though it's what brought her greatest joy, and nobody really knew her at all at that point in the Irish music scene) until mentioning to her about heading to St. Louis to see The Coronas when she asked what gigs we were going to after seeing hers, and she just lit up so bright and squeeed, "THAT'S ME COUSIN!!!!" And then she ordered me and Crissy to tell Danny that Aoife said hi. So we saw The Coronas at the downstairs of the fmaous Blueberry Hill and there were like maybe 20 people, including their Uber driver and it was so tiny and so few people and then after the show, while saying hi told him, "O! Aoife says hi!" And he just beamed, "You know Aoife?!?! This is the most Irish thing to ever happen to me  stateside!" So you can directly blame Aoife Scott for Danny's fondness for me and always noticing me remembering me, not just my own bright shiny energy, lol. (Don't worry, he has a model/actress serious girlfriend who he met on the set of his band's 2019 music video, or at least they're still together last I knew. Danny is proper rockstar after all and this life I'm not at all the sort of rich bitch "look at me" girl that well known musicians/famous guys date. I should be careful with saying shit like that though -- last time I said something similar to a musician friend, back when I was 19, I accidentally cursed myself when he told me I assume too much and I have only ever dated musicians/singers/songwriters ever since.... But honestly, I'm not cheerleader/sorority chick/model/actress/anorexic skinny type at all and I have zero patience for the girl bullying catty bitch bullshit... I don't diet because food is fucking amazing and I only exercise if it's fun and I don't try hard enough to polish my surfaces to diamond bright refractions/reflections for that, lol. And I'm okay with that -- this life I want to be loved for me qua ME, not for the bright shiny surface glamour tricks. I've actually never dyed my hair other than wash out bright colors for fun and most days this life I don't even bother with any makeup if the truth be told, and when I do wear makeup it's like nail polish especially dark blacks/blues, sparkly eye shadows, maybe mascara, maybe eyeliner specifically black or a fun color eyeliner, maybe lipstick pop of color...But lord knows I haven't owned let alone worn any form of foundation or even tinted lotion since the last time i was on a stage acting, in the college production of Knock all in French which was my last time I acted. I don't even think I bothered with foundation or powder or blush for any of my dance performances after that because nobody made me, lol. That level of "what you see is what you get, love me as I am if you want to love me this life" vibe. Completely polar opposite pendulum swing from who I was and how I was last life, lol.)

Like, The Coronas are proper rockstars across the pond sell out fucking stadiums in Ireland/UK/Europe/Australia but they never had a US top 40 song so then they struggle to fill small clubs stateside and their sets were so sparse at Milwaukee Irishfest because they lack fiddle so they don't seem Irish enough to a lot of fest scene folks even though they're incredibly famous Irish rock artists, it's like calling U2 not Irish enough at Irishfest because they lack fiddle, lol... But Danny has multiple times said that playing shows in the states that are so small keeps him humble, keeps him hungry, and sometimes the shows with the smallest size audiences but the brightest energy excited to see them are some of his favorite shows he's ever played. I haven't seen Aoife since Iowa Irishfest (first weekend of August) and haven't seen Danny or Ro since Milwaukee Irishfest (third weekend of August; it's always third weekend of August -- never make plans with me third weekend of August unless it's to meet me at MKE Irishfest, lol) and closing out the Sunday night session room which was one of THE most magical talent packed rooms of musicians and singer you've ever been crammed into!! (Milwaukee Irishfest is the largest Irish music fest in the world and EVERYBODY comes, even some who aren't playing stages but just want to come to teach or experience or session or scattering -- and it's just some of the most class instrumental playing you'll ever hear with some of the most amazing vocalists singing a song on request and then the whole room singing together when that's what the musicians/soloist ask for on the traditional songs.)

 O BUT I'M SO EXCITED TO SEE AOIFE (AND ANDY, HER MAN) AND DANNY AND RO!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Why is March so far away?!

O but it doesn't matter -- this year I got none of my Irish music darlings around St. Paddy's Day but NEXT year, in 2024, I get three of my favorites just before it!!!!!! And O but it's early and so ain't nobody else really announced yet!!!!! 

And I mean, the largest venue I've ever seen them play (and they didn't even sell out) stateside is Lincoln Hall so whenever they come back here I feel so extra special knowing they sell out literally everywhere else on the fucking globe they play! And still they come back here and play both Chi and Milwaukee even though it's humbling!!! It makes me feel so spoiled!

Went to go see Aladdin tour at Overture Hall with my parents and Karissa tonight. It was mostly good, it felt a bit like a Disney parks show but expanded, but I enjoyed it for what it was. The dance choreography didn't make sense sometimes, like when they had the male dancers doing Russian dance steps (think Nutcracker Russian dance sequence) rather than male belly dance or banghra/Indian style dance but that's an upper level dancer critique/confusion not an average attendee critique of the choreography, lol.  The dancers executed the choreography very well and there were parts that were just great to watch and fun as a former dancer to see staged -- I'm very happy that post covid, the dancers on tours for shows have improved. They were getting REALLY bad for a while... There were definitely some vocalists that made me understand why Lestat would mark up a score in blood then correct every false note while playing with his food... Also. Overall. the added songs in Disney musicals vs the movies..... Proud of Your Boy was literally the phrasing of Part Of Your World (reprise) laid over the instrumental arrangements of the rejected songs from Frozen. It was just bad. There was an answer I really liked in one of the questions asked by an attendee at the first of the Orbit authors Q&A (it's hosted by the publisher, Hachette who now owns Orbit, and it's specifically fantasy/sci-fi/YA authors talking to/for other authors about their process and on specific subjects guiding a desire to publish within the genre. It's free and you can always rewatch, you just have to register for each separately and give them your email address.) Anyway, somebody asked about how to expand their idea to fit the trilogy form and almost unanimously, all the authors said DON'T. If anything, condense and make things tight within the duology framework because people get bored by fluff that's added just to try to add length. Don't try to expand beyond the length of the idea/story you're telling, keep it tight where everything MATTERS and nothing can be left on a chopping floor. Right. Well. The Disney musicals, they all suffer from the bloating of trying to add numbers that are "good enough" but aren't integral to the story and are just obviously inferior songwriting trying to stretch out the catchy great songs from the films to fill an entire two act musical. It's good advice. (And I know I say that here where everything is stream of consciousness, but in my real writing, my editing process is a paring knife whittling out the superfluous to keep things tight to suit the flow of the story.)

It was fun to go with them and I'm glad we went, but also, I'm good now that I've seen it once and don't ever need to see it again. The show just isn't that good as a musical, though the dance numbers might be worth seeing again.

 Also. I know not everyone gets Astro Poets horoscopes. They're a bit weird and they seem more intuitive than based on the astrology itself. And sometimes I definitely don't get them at all, lol. But this week's for my sun sign and my rising sign (yes I have always read Pisces as well as Libra, because rising sign) were spot on and made me laugh at myself. Especially the end bit about right now needing things to be obvious.

"Week of 10/15 in Libra: There’s a heart where you can find a sun. You can know exactly why and how this part is what you were looking for. Go to the secret light. That’s the light that makes it all obvious. And right now you need things to be obvious."

"Week of 10/15 in Pisces: Hardly a part of the day isn’t yours. Dress yourself in purple, lilac, and cream. Become one with whatever the flower can begin again. That’s the greatest part. The part where you become the song."

I mean, c'mon, that's  really fucking funny! It's basically like bopping the dog's nose of any overthinking, "yeah, you need things to be obvious right now, but you can trust this really is what you want -- listen where you find the inner light. Because it's fucking obvious." Which was definitely a nose bop I need when I overthink and doubt TOO far, in unhealthy/unproductive ways. Because, questions that break assumptions to help you find truth are good, but questions that reinforce assumptions that blind you to truth are bad. And you can ask questions that lead both ways, y'know? Then the rising sign is just like, "You got this. Focus on what is ready to grow anew because it's the best, it's where you and the song are the same thing." And like, okay yeah that's me reading into it what I want to hear, but it's also literally what it says -- it says to the ego (sun sign) the reassurance it's real with the warning against overthinking what's obvious and to what I put out into the world (ascendant/rising sign) is just affirmation and advice to dress yourself in the energy of the crown chakra (which is where the love light flows in for me with empath bonds, right through the crown chakra and third eye chakra) and embracing the regrowth and the music in that new flowering.

I mean, I think it's funny HOW on point it is for me. Especially the sun sign nose bop not to overthink/second guess just because I need things to be obvious. (My general views about astrology is skepticism but an open minded skepticism; sometimes things are obviously to appeal to literally everyone/anyone and are just vague af, but sometimes things are just precision aligned in ways that defy statistics for chance. I'm more astrology curious than an astrology believer -- but that curiosity means that I know a lot about it and there are astrologers as well as tarot readers who have a higher frequency of being right than chance statistics can account.)

My moon sign, which is emotional responses, is also a pretty brilliant one this week: "Week of 10/15 in Capricorn: Finding the night like a window is important. But that’s because you can see inside the heart of it all. Find a friend or two to go with you. Play the music you love. Love it because it’s there and real."  Which is pretty well right on for where my heart is right now actually. It's amazing to me how little it takes to turn me bright back toward hope instead of stoicism and how much healing there is of my heart and how quickly it happens when I let go of trying to make me accept that I'm no part of what Eric wants for himself this life and so best I can do by him is to release him from the bond between our souls. I mean, it's a really brutal toxic smackdown I do inside me telling me, "doesn't matter how much you want it, you can't have it this lifetime, he doesn't want or choose you" whenever I've tried this course. I don't like what it does to my heart to try to accept that premise and what the ethics then require of me... It hurts deeply of loss and grief until  go numb and don't really feel anything as brightly and intensely as I normally would. A girl does what she has to do, but it's hard. All three times I've tried it, it's been fucking brutal and hard and made me question things my soul had been sure about all through the earlier years of my life. It's not something I've tried to do lightly, only ever because it's the only right thing I can do in the situation I find myself in with his choices or choices others have made in his name. The first time was when he was dating the scorpion chick and I was getting overlays of his strong emotional moments and that was ethically wrong so I asked the fey king to put the bond to sleep which lasted until the fairy ride polar bears dream where I chose to reopen the connection with the polar bear who was so sad to have lost it, the second time was after his sister blocked me on her personal instagram AND on the band instagram for my honest statement that the country music at shows was too painful for my color-timbre synesthesia so was going to stop me coming to future shows and so I didn't see how I could fit into his life when such large portions of it don't want to exist to me for me having had the audacity to speak my truth with honesty/regret then he didn't respond at all when I informed him to give him the opportunity to fix that ostracism of me from all major aspects of his life so I used my own spiritual energy to keep the bond dormant now I had seen how to do it until he broke through, and the third time was recently when he fell in love/infatuation with the lamprey and I turned to leave him to that and this Spring I took the Morrigan's advice to block out anyone/anything with the lamprey's energy woven through it. It's hard and harrowing whenever I do it and it hardens my heart in ways I don't like to have to be so ruthless with my own desires.... I don't know that I can go through trying to find a way to close off the bond a fourth time and how much that absence and broken faith hurts... I'm grateful for the shift of emotions since it reopened with such a rush, especially once I understood that it was because he'd cleansed out the lamprey's energy so there was nothing in that shielding being there that affected him any longer -- but the truth is I don't think I could take having to face such harsh handling of my own heart to a) be placed in an ethics/choices situation I believe I NEED to do it and b) actually seeing through giving up the bond and the flow of love through it again. I don't know that I can do it again and I don't want to end up putting ourselves in a situation where I feel like I need to.....Please don't ask it of me again... Please?

More practically. The reason for the hour of this post is I'm staying at work til sunrise again (7ish right now) -- I didn't start watering my plants (and a lot have been moved inside now so it takes longer) at work til after getting back from the show and it was like just after 3am when I finished and Waffles was passed out asleep didn't wnat to get up to head home at such an ungodly hour. Which is definitely past closing time starting into rape o'clock... (I work late often, but once it gets into the statistically chanciest stupidest hours for me, or any woman, to leave (even with a dog with me) I just stay til sunrise to leave.) Probably for the best because while I got some work in over the weekend towards the coming week, I do have concert tickets on Weds night (Hawktail at Stoughton Opera House) and I think mum and I were going to at least do dinner even though we don't have any figure skating or football to watch because she ordered a brussel sprouts and cranberry chicken sausage stuffed squash recipe in their every plate box thinking of me but which she would like and da wouldn't, and last I knew, my parents were wanting to do a multi course fall harvest cider paired four course dinner at Craftsman on Thurs. Last I knew, my Aunt Geeta is now NOT coming into town for SEAC this year as planned because she's not giving any papers this year and she's not doing well exhausted from too many conferences in a row -- which means that we decided to keep symphony tickets for Sunday (and then I'll watch the Packers game afterward on DVR delay with my maman) rather than move them to Friday as I had originally requested when Sunday was likely to be my only day with my Aunt Geeta while she was in town. And hey, if I get all my hours in early, then I'll just get to stay at home and lay a fire in the hearth and get some chores done or read or write as I choose.

 So. I was thinking while I was in the shower earlier. And I know this is a part of my truth that I've said before but I think I've always buried it in a lot of words. (There's a Sherlock Holmes story I read as a kid when I was reading through all of them where he says the safest place to hide something is in plain sight. I don't remember which one, just that I took to heart the best hiding place is in plain sight.) But. I think. Right now. I want to try to say it again not hidden within pages of unrelated words. 

The only reason I have ever had for trying to close the bond is because at the time I genuinely completely believe that it's in Eric's best interests of what he wants and what he's choosing for his own happiness. There has never been a time I was motivated by any other reason. That's it. That's the entire motivating push inside me to do it. I always have to struggle against my own heart and my own desires to do it and the only reason ethics wins over my heart at such times is because in those moments I genuinely believe it's what he wants and has chosen for himself. That's it. I don't claim to have been in the right about his wants or the happiness he seeks when I acted in that way, I just claim that I BELIEVED it to be what he wanted and chose for himself: a present/future where the bond to me was somehow in the way or in the wrong for his happiness. 

Take away that belief, and closing off the bond is not something I have it in me to do.... I can't act against my own desires AND know that it's going to hurt him. I can only act against my own desires when I truly believe it to be giving him the freedom to pursue what he has set his heart on.

I only ever even try to find a way to do it when I truly believe it's in his best interests and what he wants. And all that was ever needed to diffuse that potential bomb was to make sure I know that losing the bond isn't any damn thing he wants, all it does is hurt him. 

I don't mean, and I have never intended to hurt him. I genuinely have believed at such times that he couldn't be hurt by it because I was giving him what he wanted and chose. But I recognize that doesn't mean I was right, and I'm afraid that me closing off access to the bond has hurt him deeply every time..... But hurting him was never my intention or anything I've ever wanted to be guilty of doing, and I always genuinely believed at those times that I was giving him what he wanted and chose for his life. 

All that was ever needed to get me to come back and re-open the bond was to shatter my belief that closing it off was giving him what he wanted. I never could have acted in such ways to shut him out without believing it gave him a clear path to the happiness he was pursuing for himself. It doesn't mean I was right, it just means I have truly believed that at such times. 

I can't promise I will never again believe that his happiness requires I let him go and that I close the bond so he can be free to pursue whatever else matters more to him. I can't promise that because I don't know what his choices and actions and values are going to be. But I can promise you that the entire set of my actions hang upon the belief that it is what he wants or for his happiness he's seeking. Destroy the belief and it stops me from acting in that way.

It means that if I ever again act that way, it's because I have come to believe that what he wants requires I let him go and try to close down the bond. And if you don't want me doing that then just.... Make sure I know what having that connection between us means to you and that there's no happiness you seek without it. Literally just tell me that and remind me. Certain knowledge weighs more than any belief. The worst things I'm ever guilty of are always good logic built on a bad premise. So if my premise is bad, like if I'm wrong in believing that the happiness he's choosing is one where there's no place for the bond between our souls, then correct that belief and premise before I head down a path neither of us wants where we both hurt and feel the emptiness... Correct me and call me back and show me where I have a bad premise before I go too far down the path it would lead.

I don't know if that helps at all. But I wanted to be clear about what has moved me to try to close off the bond and the flow between our souls, so that in the future my belief can be corrected if mistaken so such patterns can be stopped before it happens again. 

 I have a lot of thoughts and reactions swirling about inside me right now but I can't yet put most of them into words. I'm sorry but I just can't yet. That's how it is with me when my emotions get intense -- words get difficult. They're not bad, far from it. Just a lot. I guess uppermost of all is a WANTING to believe, wanting to believe in the sincerity and confidence and love and the flood of hope and joy that comes rushing in when I let myself believe in it. The sort of wanting that makes you scared of the little voice that says, "but what if it isn't what you think?" and how gutting that would be to have the bottom fall out just as you lean to put trust into it.... But every time I go back through, I just come away with the same flood of hope and joy and love and certainty "this is saying what I think it's saying, it's not just my WANTING, that IS what it's saying." Which then makes such a rush of intense emotions that words for them are hard to catch hold of.

So I can't really words all the thoughts/feelings in me right now around that. I just can't. I don't have the words for myself, so how could I give them to anyone else?

The bond has been an absolute flood state of love and promise and need, but mostly just love pouring in. Constantly. Day and night, just a very constant flow and a focused intentional strengthening of the connection.

And fatelines have been shifting fast these last couple days. Not the global ones, I mean they are but they're settling into more or less where they fall now; I mean my personal ones are shifting incredibly rapidly. I can't see very far ahead right now with my precogs, but not in a bottleneck truncating way, more in a.... like a waterfall around the curve in a different direction opening up unexpected new fatelines. But in a good way. Just in a hard to be present right now because right now feels a bit standing on sand waiting for the solid ground where it will make sense and I can see the new shape/pattern of the fatelines that are open from there. 

I don't know if any of that makes sense... Most of the emotions are bright and intense and strong and so beautiful (the ones that aren't are the doubting, the questioning, the "what ifs you're wrong -- this will hurt if you're wrong", and the "are you just hearing what you want to be truth not what actually is here") but it's the very intensity and brightness that makes the words impossible for them all. 

And also curiosity. A very intense curiosity for what is being prepared. Curiosity for what comes next and where the new path(s) lead. I do love me happy surprises. It's one of the only blind spots on my precogs, and one I asked for when I was a kid -- I like to experience the unexpected good things and happy surprises as they unfold. And this feels really good. Very happy surprise. And maybe a bit of, hindsight will ask how I didn't see it coming or believe in it until being there.... but mostly it feels like there's a promise it's really good but I'll just have to wait and see when I get there because happy surprises.

(My other blind spot on my precogs that I requested is sports events, I don't want to see or know any of the plays or final scores beforehand -- as a kid, watching sports were fucking boring like watching old games on replay until I asked for that block. Guess I missed the boat on the selfish betting advantages in the precogs, but the anticipation of not knowing til each play happens is worth it to be able to enjoy watching games.)

I don't know if any of that makes any damn sense. I told you, I'm having a hard time right now, still, trying to get the emotions and thoughts response into a words forming instead of just a feelings form. It's a thing with me. The stronger the emotions, the harder they are for me to put into words. Best I got is, "I believe you and I believe in you. And damn that's a flood of love and gratitude and hope and need and cherishing. So what now? What comes next?"

P.S. If you want words, I can tell you the story about the black and white lost cat that found me during the early morning witching hour of Friday 13 and followed me right into my work (despite the two dogs and Sophie NOT welcoming her) so I had to setup food and water for her to overnght in the work kitchen until I heard back from her owner. Her name is Sassy and she's back home now, but according to her owner (who I contacted and has her back now) I should expect future visits from Sassy because the kids keep letting her escape and where they used to live, she would keep showing up to the same neighbors she took a shine to. And yeah, that is the sort of wyrd you should expect in your life if you spend much time with me. because it's the sort of wyrd that happens all the time in my life, lol. 

I have plenty of words for story telling -- just not yet able to find the words I can put my emotions and thoughts and reactions into. They're too strong right now to settle down into word shapes. They're the sort much easier to shine and beam and share without words than to try to fit them into word forms. 

P.P.S. I'm very grateful for the words from the 12th, to have them to go back to. Something that aligns too well to just be serendipity and has more tangible form than just my wishing and wanting. Something outside me I can look to and say, "But see this here" when the fear of the hurt if I'm wrong starts to nibble away around the edges of the intensity of joy and hope and start me doubting.