So. I was thinking.  And. I know that I SAY that when I try to give him up and mute the bond between our souls, it's because I genuinely believe it's what he wants and what he chooses for himself and the happiness he seeks and the lessons his life path must lead him down. And I mean it when I say it and I believe it in every fibre of my being and believe it down to the deepest depths of my soul because if I didn't, if in that moment I had any shadows of doubt or thought I might hurt him in taking the bond from him trying to make it dormant, I would be unable to see it through move forward to quiet the bond try to render it inaccessible. 

But. And. Now here's the part that's the fucking kicker and I never realized until just now tonight.... 

When I do that, I never believe it's forever. I never have. I always think it's an infatuation, a lesson to be learned, something he should pursue while he wants it more than he wants me so he doesn't come to resent me or the bond between our souls.... But the truth is, if I dig deep and deeper into the foundations of my unexamined premises, I always have an assumption somewhere inside me that it's a passing infatuation. That it's not something that lasts, just something to be endured for a time like a change of seasons until the weather changes again. I always assume that eventually, at some point, the infatuation will wear itself out and he will feel again the pull of the bond and the absence of me in his inner spaces and even if it takes all the rest of this lifetime we're stuck within for an infatuation to run it's course, they will all burn themselves out and the bond will remain to be picked up again when he's ready for it and recognizes his need of it. 

There is no time, in all the times I have tried to martyr myself to give it up in the name of his current happiness that I have believed that it would be a lasting separation, a forever severance between our souls. 

I have always in my deepest core truths believed that any time and every time that we both miss and yearn for each other, our souls will pull toward each other like magnets and no matter anything else going on our lives will rush back toward seeking each other until we are once more as close to one as two separate souls in two separate bodies can be. 

It's part of what has helped me endure the brutal nature of denying myself what I want and the hollows of grieving his absence in my life -- that I have always believed it to be temporary and that this too shall pass and on the other side we will find each other once again. Somehow. And no distractions and no powers on heaven or earth or any other realm can stop that force between our souls that pulls toward the other like a lodestone pointing north. 

It's funny. But I didn't realize til just now this early morning. That all my attempted "sacrifices" were built on the unshakeable belief that such a sacrifice was temporary and could be endured because it's not and could never be a permanent severing between our souls being drawn to seek each other across any physical distances and across lifetimes. 

I'm not entirely sure what to make of that truth. But as it is my truth, I felt it deserved to be your knowledge as well as mine. Because is it really even a sacrifice if deeper than  any pain over what you're giving up from your life you believe you will gain once more what you have lost once he sees through the hollow infatuation for the lack of true happiness it will always become? I don't know, I don't think so though. Waiting hardly counts as a sacrifice. Unless you're a Christian who believes in the literal resurrection gospel of the sacrificial lamb, where you never really sacrificed anything because you pulled a j/k do over for that whole dying to wash away your sins thang. And as I have said before, I am not and have never been a Christian soul....

But I've never doubted that in the end, they're always infatuations he's pursuing for what he believes will bring him happiness, and so I'm only giving up the bond to him for as long as it's ethically necessary. But not forever. Never for forever. 

I have never even considered giving up him or the connection or the bond forever. Only for now. And there's a world of difference between forever and for now.  Especially when you're talking about goodbyes... It's the difference between farewell and until the next time.  And I've never even in my darkest most self-sacrificing stoic ethics lost hope that somehow there WOULD be a next time, somewhen further down the path beyond my current line of sight. 

Does that make me less stoic? Less brave? Less of a martyr? Does it make the attempt to sacrifice him and the bond something hollow or a sham because there's no real sacrifice in it? To believe that somewhere down the line, when we are once again both ready to seek each other, there will be the hope and promise of a future chance to get the story right. Is that faith as small as a mustard seed to build miracles upon or is it a lie that destroys any nobility from the actions? Is it just pathetic to cling to such a frail hope that his longing/seeking/desire will outlast any infatuation, no matter what reality plays out? I don't know. I've never tried to judge it, because I never even questioned that foundational premise of how I understand the bond to function.

I don't know. Judge it how you think best. But I know that despite everything that has come before, that unspoken belief and faith has always stayed alive somewhere inside me. That if not now, then somewhere down the line we will find our paths to seek each other out and meet again and have another chance to get the story right.