O, I never explained WHY that unstated premise is inside me that any disconnect in the bond I instigate is only temporary and why that matters, did I? And WHY, well, the answer to why questions is almost invariably the most important missing pieces of information. And I  drank too much whiskey (finished off the last of my bottle if Green Spot) while re-reading the end of the adventures of Sinbad from 1,001 Nights translated into French so I'll give you that why, even if you never did ask.  I'm feeling overly honest and I currently feel that this is a truth that speaking it doesn't make me vulnerable in my weaknesses to state, just honest in my soul's truth.

It's because the separation can only ever last for as long as he is choosing and valuing other people and things more than the value he places on choosing me. As long as that is finite, then the duration that the bond is muted can only ever be finite. Only until he wants again misses me enough to choose me. And why is that?

Well. I would just like to state, very clearly, for myself and for everyone else this enduring truth about me and my soul and my nature: 

If you ask me what I want, in any life, my answer always has been and always will be that I want Eric and the love between our souls thriving and shining and strengthening the both of us. In a million lifetimes, with any and everything on the table for me to choose between, I'd choose him. Every damn time.  The trick of it is, I only want him so long as he wants me and I'm what he would choose for himself -- otherwise there is no meaning to it if he doesn't want me same as I want him. Any and every time he chooses otherwise than to be with me (no matter what the reason) it is my nature to let him go until such a time as he would choose me again. Because I would rather he be happy than be mine, I won't selfishly hold onto him whenever what he wants for himself or his life lessons doesn't include having me in his life. But o, what I would rather most of all is for him to be happy AND be mine, for him to choose me as I would choose him. That's what I want most of anything, it's my greatest hope and the shining light of promise for me for any life to be truly a reward life. 

I don't expect it every lifetime, and I will always bow myself out when he chooses "not me" for his priorities and desires and I'll let him go as far from me as his heart and lessons take him. But I'll always hold onto the hope that one of these days he will learn whatever lessons he needed to learn without me and his own heart will pull him back to me and the homesickness of long absence will lead him back and maybe, just maybe, we will get the joy of another lifetime with each other and learning who we have become and how these new versions of us fit together complement one another in new ways the old lives versions of us didn't yet. 

He just has to choose me as what he wants and be certain of it and stick to that certainty. That's all he has ever had to do. And whatever shadows and phantoms got between us don't actually matter because fuck them, they are not strong enough to stand between us when we both choose each other. He just has to free will make that his choice and stand in that truth.

But you should know and always know, that no matter what has been said or done or chosen, no matter how many lifetimes it has been, I will always and always and always choose him so long as I am what he wants and he chooses me. In a million lifetimes and a million more, however many lifetimes I keep incarnating and even if I can choose to be with his soul beyond the incarnations, that truth of mine will never change. Everyone and everything else is me making the best of the hand I'm given and the options I have -- but any time he's one of my options and he wants me, I will choose him. Always. 

And you should know that. Because I know that. And while I've always been better at blunt honesty than vulnerability, still I'm not writing here to lie to myself or anyone else. So I gift you that truth, it's one I'd never deny if anyone ever bothered to ask me for it. 

Now that I've said that piece, I'm going to put the kettle on to make a second steep of this Chocolate Drizzle tea then while it cools to a drinkable temperature, I'm going to go shower so my hair has enough time to dry before I meet up with Crissy, Denis, and Karissa at Heritage for brunch before symphony before the Packers game today. 

 But know always, I will always want him and choose him as long as I'm what he wants and chooses for himself. Always and always and always. Nothing else can touch that. Nothing else ever has.