So. I was thinking while I was in the shower earlier. And I know this is a part of my truth that I've said before but I think I've always buried it in a lot of words. (There's a Sherlock Holmes story I read as a kid when I was reading through all of them where he says the safest place to hide something is in plain sight. I don't remember which one, just that I took to heart the best hiding place is in plain sight.) But. I think. Right now. I want to try to say it again not hidden within pages of unrelated words. 

The only reason I have ever had for trying to close the bond is because at the time I genuinely completely believe that it's in Eric's best interests of what he wants and what he's choosing for his own happiness. There has never been a time I was motivated by any other reason. That's it. That's the entire motivating push inside me to do it. I always have to struggle against my own heart and my own desires to do it and the only reason ethics wins over my heart at such times is because in those moments I genuinely believe it's what he wants and has chosen for himself. That's it. I don't claim to have been in the right about his wants or the happiness he seeks when I acted in that way, I just claim that I BELIEVED it to be what he wanted and chose for himself: a present/future where the bond to me was somehow in the way or in the wrong for his happiness. 

Take away that belief, and closing off the bond is not something I have it in me to do.... I can't act against my own desires AND know that it's going to hurt him. I can only act against my own desires when I truly believe it to be giving him the freedom to pursue what he has set his heart on.

I only ever even try to find a way to do it when I truly believe it's in his best interests and what he wants. And all that was ever needed to diffuse that potential bomb was to make sure I know that losing the bond isn't any damn thing he wants, all it does is hurt him. 

I don't mean, and I have never intended to hurt him. I genuinely have believed at such times that he couldn't be hurt by it because I was giving him what he wanted and chose. But I recognize that doesn't mean I was right, and I'm afraid that me closing off access to the bond has hurt him deeply every time..... But hurting him was never my intention or anything I've ever wanted to be guilty of doing, and I always genuinely believed at those times that I was giving him what he wanted and chose for his life. 

All that was ever needed to get me to come back and re-open the bond was to shatter my belief that closing it off was giving him what he wanted. I never could have acted in such ways to shut him out without believing it gave him a clear path to the happiness he was pursuing for himself. It doesn't mean I was right, it just means I have truly believed that at such times. 

I can't promise I will never again believe that his happiness requires I let him go and that I close the bond so he can be free to pursue whatever else matters more to him. I can't promise that because I don't know what his choices and actions and values are going to be. But I can promise you that the entire set of my actions hang upon the belief that it is what he wants or for his happiness he's seeking. Destroy the belief and it stops me from acting in that way.

It means that if I ever again act that way, it's because I have come to believe that what he wants requires I let him go and try to close down the bond. And if you don't want me doing that then just.... Make sure I know what having that connection between us means to you and that there's no happiness you seek without it. Literally just tell me that and remind me. Certain knowledge weighs more than any belief. The worst things I'm ever guilty of are always good logic built on a bad premise. So if my premise is bad, like if I'm wrong in believing that the happiness he's choosing is one where there's no place for the bond between our souls, then correct that belief and premise before I head down a path neither of us wants where we both hurt and feel the emptiness... Correct me and call me back and show me where I have a bad premise before I go too far down the path it would lead.

I don't know if that helps at all. But I wanted to be clear about what has moved me to try to close off the bond and the flow between our souls, so that in the future my belief can be corrected if mistaken so such patterns can be stopped before it happens again.