I have a lot of thoughts and reactions swirling about inside me right now but I can't yet put most of them into words. I'm sorry but I just can't yet. That's how it is with me when my emotions get intense -- words get difficult. They're not bad, far from it. Just a lot. I guess uppermost of all is a WANTING to believe, wanting to believe in the sincerity and confidence and love and the flood of hope and joy that comes rushing in when I let myself believe in it. The sort of wanting that makes you scared of the little voice that says, "but what if it isn't what you think?" and how gutting that would be to have the bottom fall out just as you lean to put trust into it.... But every time I go back through, I just come away with the same flood of hope and joy and love and certainty "this is saying what I think it's saying, it's not just my WANTING, that IS what it's saying." Which then makes such a rush of intense emotions that words for them are hard to catch hold of.

So I can't really words all the thoughts/feelings in me right now around that. I just can't. I don't have the words for myself, so how could I give them to anyone else?

The bond has been an absolute flood state of love and promise and need, but mostly just love pouring in. Constantly. Day and night, just a very constant flow and a focused intentional strengthening of the connection.

And fatelines have been shifting fast these last couple days. Not the global ones, I mean they are but they're settling into more or less where they fall now; I mean my personal ones are shifting incredibly rapidly. I can't see very far ahead right now with my precogs, but not in a bottleneck truncating way, more in a.... like a waterfall around the curve in a different direction opening up unexpected new fatelines. But in a good way. Just in a hard to be present right now because right now feels a bit standing on sand waiting for the solid ground where it will make sense and I can see the new shape/pattern of the fatelines that are open from there. 

I don't know if any of that makes sense... Most of the emotions are bright and intense and strong and so beautiful (the ones that aren't are the doubting, the questioning, the "what ifs you're wrong -- this will hurt if you're wrong", and the "are you just hearing what you want to be truth not what actually is here") but it's the very intensity and brightness that makes the words impossible for them all. 

And also curiosity. A very intense curiosity for what is being prepared. Curiosity for what comes next and where the new path(s) lead. I do love me happy surprises. It's one of the only blind spots on my precogs, and one I asked for when I was a kid -- I like to experience the unexpected good things and happy surprises as they unfold. And this feels really good. Very happy surprise. And maybe a bit of, hindsight will ask how I didn't see it coming or believe in it until being there.... but mostly it feels like there's a promise it's really good but I'll just have to wait and see when I get there because happy surprises.

(My other blind spot on my precogs that I requested is sports events, I don't want to see or know any of the plays or final scores beforehand -- as a kid, watching sports were fucking boring like watching old games on replay until I asked for that block. Guess I missed the boat on the selfish betting advantages in the precogs, but the anticipation of not knowing til each play happens is worth it to be able to enjoy watching games.)

I don't know if any of that makes any damn sense. I told you, I'm having a hard time right now, still, trying to get the emotions and thoughts response into a words forming instead of just a feelings form. It's a thing with me. The stronger the emotions, the harder they are for me to put into words. Best I got is, "I believe you and I believe in you. And damn that's a flood of love and gratitude and hope and need and cherishing. So what now? What comes next?"

P.S. If you want words, I can tell you the story about the black and white lost cat that found me during the early morning witching hour of Friday 13 and followed me right into my work (despite the two dogs and Sophie NOT welcoming her) so I had to setup food and water for her to overnght in the work kitchen until I heard back from her owner. Her name is Sassy and she's back home now, but according to her owner (who I contacted and has her back now) I should expect future visits from Sassy because the kids keep letting her escape and where they used to live, she would keep showing up to the same neighbors she took a shine to. And yeah, that is the sort of wyrd you should expect in your life if you spend much time with me. because it's the sort of wyrd that happens all the time in my life, lol. 

I have plenty of words for story telling -- just not yet able to find the words I can put my emotions and thoughts and reactions into. They're too strong right now to settle down into word shapes. They're the sort much easier to shine and beam and share without words than to try to fit them into word forms. 

P.P.S. I'm very grateful for the words from the 12th, to have them to go back to. Something that aligns too well to just be serendipity and has more tangible form than just my wishing and wanting. Something outside me I can look to and say, "But see this here" when the fear of the hurt if I'm wrong starts to nibble away around the edges of the intensity of joy and hope and start me doubting.