The moon moved out of Scorpio into Sagittarius and I went from examining the deep feelings to telling myself, "Look, you're building castles in the air on the most tenuous of connections to suit the meaning you want to see. Stop it. Stop lying to yourself and confront the hard truths you have at your disposal. Doesn't much matter what you WANT what he said to be about you, you ain't got shit to tell you it is. Wanting a truth is as bad as lying to yourself. You know it is. So stop that. And go find something, someone, somewhere else to put your energy girleen. Somewhere it's reciprocated....." 

And right now, I can't say if that's right headed or wrong headed, I just know it's practical truth speaking of what is factually known and dismissive of what is inner knowing as being just what I want to be true..... So I neither accept nor reject that analysis, because the sparkly dancing brightness in me recently and the love rushing down the bond from him IS, no matter what the pragmatist fact seeking logic says. But the advice is sound at least to put my energy into something else rather than believing in blind hope fixating on a dream that may never come true and making meaning that I want to see instead of understanding what is/was actually said. The advice at least is good, good enough to get a girl through the day and the night, then the next day and the next night, then the next and the next and the next and so on, one day at a time.

So I'm going to drink the rest of my French press of black coffee and finally read The Invisible Life of Addie Larue by V. E. Schwab and not think about anyone or anything outside this set of moments I'm in. Because thinking about it won't change it, especially if the connections and meanings I've made are nothing but made up delusions of what I want to be true with no relation to what IS his truth. The book called to me even in hard cover every time I browsed a bookstore and I picked this book up when it first came out in paperback but hadn't been in the right headspace for it, I like to read books at just the right time. I can reread them as many times as I want, until they become old friends, but the first read of a new book happens only once. So I like to buy them and keep them as promises to my future self until the season and the hour and my inner space and everything feels just right aligned for the perfect first date with the book. The best book experiences are when you get it just exactly right for that first read.... anyway, I just started reading this book this morning after taking the dog out on a postprandial after brekkie walk so I'm only 50pgs in, but very much enjoying this novel so far!!!  I relate far far too well to this main character -- though in my case it's the memories of many lives that I remember and others don't always seem to remember me, not a curse and an ongoing single life after making a Faustian Dorian Gray deal with the old god of darkness. But still it's eerily close to how it feels to remember a shared past and yet nobody else ever seems to remember you from it.

"It is coming together now, words wrapped over melody. It is becoming his. It is like a tree, taking root. He will remember, on his own; not her, of course -- not her, but this. Their song....somewhere between the first sip and the third he sees her, and smiles, and for an instant Addie thinks -- hopes, even now --- that he remembers something, because he looks at her as if he knows her, but the truth is simply that he wants to; attraction can look an awful lot like recognition in the wrong light." (p. 56)

My purse books are both about hauntings because the veil is thinning and Samhain approaches. One is fictional ghost stories, the other is a book of local folktales about the ghosts/spirits/supernatural on Vancouver Island. 

Because it's spooky season, damnit! Last night I read the first story in Haunted Nights and very much enjoyed it, tonight at work I'll start the ghost stories from Vancouver Island book while I wait for the watering can to fill while taking care of the melodramatic plants that get water every 3-4 days rather than the 7-12 for the full watering of everyone My plan is to switch off between the two purse books in my pauses when most people pull out a phone for mindless scrolling, one story/chapter in each til they're both done.

P. S. Hawktail & Väsen last night was an incredible show!!!!!!! All instrumental compositions, but just brilliant brilliant musicianship and layers of melodies throughout!!!! I adored everything about it! They are each good separate, but together they were extra brilliant! And I loved how Hawktail geeked out over Väsen and Väsen geeked out over Hawktail.  Such a beautiful beautiful night of instrumental music and so many funny stories both bands shared last night!!! So good!!!! It made my soul sing for joy in being in those moments, getting to hear the music in person, right up front in the first row so the sound waves resonating directly from the instruments reached my ears clearly and my color-timbre synesthesia was it's most dazzlingly brilliant could catch all the glorious colors on all their stringed instruments!!!! Hawktail is fiddle, upright bass, nylon string guitar and Väsen is either bass viola or shoulder cello and a nyckelharpa (sp?) which is a bowed keyed Swedish instrument I've seen, and it's an ancient one been around since 1350 at least, but for the life of me no matter how many times I see/hear it played I just don't understand how exactly it produces the sounds it makes so it falls under the category of "spider finger magic" for how it produce the notes it makes, along with concertinas and button accordions, lol. I'm up to three instruments that are unfathomable to me the science of soundwave propagation for how the acoustics of them work so it must be spider fingers magic to play them. 😆