I. Right. So. I know it's probably stupid of me and I don't have much of anything to go on for it, just the fact that the bond is back full strength and some curious timing lineups and just an internal resonance/knowing/how I hear the new songs.... And it's all so subjective and not concrete and maybe it's all just wishing and wanting and lying to myself... But.... Here's the thing. I. Since accepting that I can once again let the love of the bond flow between us and to embrace it and turn to it, and since I started the questioning of maybe I was wrong in my assumptions thinking that what he wanted for his happiness doesn't include me and I need to let him go, I've just had this gorgeous bubbling up brightness and joy and light and hope shining in me that I haven't felt in a long while.  And it's so cozy and beautiful and wondrous.... And I just don't want to lose it. Again. I don't want to find out it wasn't real, And I'm rather afraid of investing trust in it because the more trust you put in a false premiss, the harder it hurts when the actual truth slaps you upside the head. 

It's probably stupid of me. But I can't help the joy bubbling up inside me and all the sparkles and hope that maybe there is a way through after all. 

And it's the most tenacious infectious upwelling of joy and light and love inside me. Absolutely irrepressible and stubborn and insistent. And defiant as regards logic rather than intuitive knowing -- complete certainty that the intuition heart guided is the actual truth and the logic and overthinking is all just unnecessary complications getting in the way of the simple and obvious.

And. I want it to be true and right so bad. I can't say my head BELIEVES it is true and won't keep questioning trying to find a lie in it, but I can say my heart WANTS it to be true in a very whole hearted laser focused clarity sort of way.

Is that good enough? Can that be enough and more than enough, at least for right now? And hopefully maybe more and better later, but can that just be good enough for this moment right here right now given the distance between where things have been these recent months and this place now? Because, good enough or not, that's what I've got. Bit of a mess, but also an honest mess. And sometimes an honest mess is the best I got, lol. 

Okay, getting some work things done now between Farmer's Market/brunch/spending time with Amy and then I think heading to APT tonight to see Anton's Shorts at 50% off rush price to make sure Crissy does get to see it in case anything goes awry with having tickets only for closing night.

P.S. Also!!!! In addition to buying myself flowers at Farmer's Market, this morning when I went to take the dog out, I found someone had thrown out the live plants remaining in their floral arrangement they were gifted!!! Just set by the fence of our dumpsters at my condo building! They don't look buggy, the monstera in particular looks super healthy! My guess is the gift recipient is just not a plant person and after the carnations in florist vials shoved into the soil/sphagnum moss ground cover had completely died, they just decided to throw it away. At least four of the five will survive when I transplant them all into separate pots tomorrow, and I think I can heal up the palm type plant and get it healthy! After I pulled the 1) empty card holder 2) very very dead carnations in florist vials 3) dead leaves 4) the smelly moss ground cover to check for soil bug issues, they look super healthy and still have very separate root complexes so I can easily separate them (since they have VERY different water/light needs! I need to double check which of them might be toxic to Spock if he eats it (sometimes my cat is an asshole and he chews on my plants just to tell me he's unhappy that I haven't been home enough recently) before determining which will come back home and which will be at my work. But yay for four probably five new to me orphaned houseplants!!!

A monstera, an African violet, a cyclamen 9I think? need to look that one up to verify), a pilea (I think? also need to check that one), and a potential dying palm of some sort. Can't wait to get them into their own new pots and then find them their new homes!