FYI, I have decided to set this entire blog as private to authors. I already did, but then I felt I should explain my reasons why so I set it back to public until whenever I next set it back to private.
It's not anything anyone has done or an emotional reactionary thing, just something I've been thinking for a while now.
This is primarily just my anecdotes or untangling my
thoughts/feelings, it's not any sort of serious/real writing of mine and it's nothing that I would be upset getting back to the persons that have my emotions all in a turmoil I'm trying to figure out, because I do have a rule of transparent honesty ever since I realized in elementary school that lies undermine trust and without basic trust you have no foundations to build anything real. Although, the WAY I say things here is not the way I would choose to bring it up to the other persons if I decided it needed to be addressed and something good could come of the right conversation/communication in the right way about the matter. because 9/10 of healthy (and unhealthy) communication isn't WHAT you say but HOW you say it. You can be completely right and speaking your truth from a place you feel empowered, but if you are self-aggrandizing boastful or confrontational or accusative or put the other person on the defensive, the chances of them HEARING what you're meaning to say is significantly decreased. And before you ever communicate anything directly TO somebody else, especially if it could be touchy or matters of the heart, you should evaluate WHY you are reaching out to them to give them that information and question yourself if HOW you are presenting it can help you achieve what you're hoping they can take away form the interaction as a part of everything they take with them. You can't control all of someone else's interpretations/reactions and you should never play fast and loose with honesty/truth speaking and white lie blurred lines in the communication, but it is always within your control HOW you present someone with a truth that you think they won't want to hear but need to hear. And often the ways that I dissect and evaluate and look at my own truths and my own emotions in this space are nothing like how I would present them to someone else once I'd digested them and was ready to share, generally in my case shared with the hope that it could lead to some sort of healing or rapprochement as my reason for bringing it up and for what inflects the HOW of the communications I choose. If that makes any sort of sense, like much that I put here it's a stream of consciousness explanation.
All of those words being to say it is not due to any change of heart or head about how I use this or what I say here or letting other PEOPLE read what is here.
So why am I setting this to private to authors? Well. Because of ChatGPT trawling. Given the ways ChatGPT is data mining across reddit and tumblr and other blog platforms, even an unlisted blog like this could feed the datasets and have my words and ways of creating them stolen. And I don't want that. My words are my own -- even stream of consciousness ones that I choose not to use them to pay my bills or in a useful way, still they are my words and my voice. I do not want them mined and stolen to destroy jobs for other creative people. So the reason i had set this to private again recently, and when I do it again so it disappears go private, that is why. Nothing else. It will only be about removing my words/ideas from the body of internet that the current Wild West unregulated versions of AI trawls for style/knowledge/writing.
If you want access to my feelings/thoughts/words after I set this back to private to authors, just ask me. I won't knowingly tell a lie if asked directly. Fae rules. If you want to know something, just ask me -- and if I deflect or answer something else but not what you want to know, ask again (and if need be as many agains as it takes) until you get the answer I didn't think you were ready to hear but if you insist on hearing I will tell you no matter the hurt/harm the telling may do because the truth is better than the lie. because lying is the greatest cruelty you can do to another soul, cruelties that hurt more than once because once they learn the truth you've now added the pains of broken trust on top of whatever was originally hurtful in what you didn't want to truth speak. And I'd rather say the hard truths than be guilty of telling a direct lie that cuts deeper for being a lie.
~*~*~*~*~
Also. In the last two weeks, I have managed to destroy 4 pairs of shoes while wearing them to a level that is completely unwearable WHILE they are on my feet walking about like normal, and then also this morning I had the left shoe on was testing the straps on the right shoe of the pair I meant to wear for Mikaela's high school graduation today and destroyed a fifth pair of shoes. Five pairs. In two weeks. Only one is possibly maybe salvageable.... Yesterday, the pair that i tested and put on started falling apart off my right foot while shopping at GAP Outlet (I desperately needed jeans and shorts, ALL of mine are full of holes but not in a "maybe this was intentional fashion distressed" sort of way or like in Kirkland the zipper broke on my well loved cut off short shorts that were once long shorts that were once jeans before I completely blew out the knees on them.) Anyway, started with one strap on the right foot the strap tore out of the sole but by the time I was at the register, I was hobbling trying to keep it on dragging it with me and handed the high school guy the only pair of shoes they had in my size that I might ever wear again (actually very comfortable and cute on, though I would have bought them in black not the trench coat beige that existed in my size) and apologetically asked him, "Hi. Would it be alright to ring these in first thing and then cut the tags so I can put them on right now? All of it is going on my GAP card, but my shoes snapped while I was shopping and they're just falling more and more apart and are no longer even remotely useful." He looked at my shoe and just started laughing and was like, "HOW does that even happen?!" as he was ringing it in then looking for the scissors and I shrugged and laughed said, "I have no idea -- they were fine when I left home. but this is the fourth pair I've had destroy while on my feet this summer." He just stopped still in shock, "This summer?! We're only like two weeks into summer!" I just laughed harder and said, "I KNOW! I've had shoes fall apart on my feet before this, but I've never had FOUR pairs in under TWO weeks fall apart while I'm wearing them like this! Even for me this is getting ridiculous!"
Some of them were like flip flops where the part between the toes pulls out which is just a thing that happens with flip flops because of structural weak point to stressors in the basic design of them. And some are shoes I've had for a long time and were well loved like the pair that I'd had since high school which completely disintegrated at the Chi Nickel Creek show (which I do NOT understand how I managed to stand and dance on them at The Salt Shed or walk back to the car or pick up my dog or get home based on the level of falling apart of those wedges when I got home...)
Just a little broken there.... The funny thing is that my indication that my shoes might be on their last concert was that the OTHER shoe, the right shoe, the outer edge was falling inside the wedge sometimes when I walked....So I checked that first and wondered if it was maybe salvageable with some clamps and glue. And then I looked at that left shoe and was just like, "O holy fuck!! This one is definitely NOT salvageable! How in all the Hells did I dance and stomp through a Nickel Creek show, walk to the car, drive back to Madison and my parents house, walk inside to pick up the dog, drive home, and up two flights of stairs on a shoe in THAT condition?!?!"
I tend to buy things that are relatively timeless that I love or that are band/theatre/graphic tees that I love and will wear everything to death. I don't buy things for the fad and I do try to take care of things and repair them and keep on using them as long as possible. (I literally tear apart all my old shirts and skirts that gets holes in them or stains that make it so i can't even use them as house cleaning/pyjama shirts and I turn them into kitchen rags to get as much use as possible before they are thrown out...and in another life, another version of me would make rag rugs of the scraps once they couldn't even be dish rags.) Most of what I donate are clothes I got as gifts or that have fit issues on me but might look great on someone else. So this isn't the first time I've had shoes destroy themselves while on my feet -- the most epic was at a Culver's somewhere in southern Illinois on my way to/from either St. Louis or Owensboro KY. But the Friday (pictured), Saturday, and Sunday self-destructing shoes that destroyed themselves are pretty damn close to as bad the pair as I was walking from the car to the door of Culvers somewhere in southern half of Illinois, lol.
But yeah. FIVE pairs of shoes destroyed while on my feet in under two weeks, four of them while I was out and about with them on my feet.... Oy!
Bloody damn ridiculous even for me!
I can't tell if it's the amount of energy/power coursing through me trying to ground itself. Or maybe it's like the Khalil Gibran quote, "Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair." but it keeps leaving me barefoot and needing to buy new shoes if I don't have a spare pair with me as a "just in case the shoes on my feet decide to fall apart."
When I looked up spiritual/metaphysical/superstitions about shoes breaking (be it i real life or dreams) most cultures actually see it as a sign of good luck for the old outdated broken things falling away from your life and new good things coming into your life. It can also deal with protection. And in some belief systems, it can be about the breaking of outdated contracts, especially soul contracts, to free you to move forward without the old karmic ties weighing you down.
[Post Title: Lyrics to the Nickel Creek song Reasons Why. I love this song, and they played it at the Milwaukee show and it was so good!!!! Both the Chi and Milwaukee shows were so good!!!!! And they performed When You Come Back Down at both shows and I just lit up so joyous bright and clear with my delight and joy they were performing it because they hadn't in decades of shows!!!!! And I love it so much!!!! And Chris maintained direct eye contact with me throughout and said under his breath into the mic "you're so beautiful" while maintaining eye contact both times and ended with "I love you, thank you for still being here with us." He and I have a bit of a history from before he met his now wife, but it was never a serious thing just an occasional coffee or cocktail drinks and catching up and discussing literature/music/philosophy/politics/life advice. And he knows and has always known my ethics line is that I will never be involved in a third party situation or lies to hurt any other woman he's involved with and so even our friendship has waned because he's been happy with his wife and their son and that's as it should be. We've had past lives together and we crossed paths this life and there will be future lives that we cross paths. Still I love having those moments and memories and the sheer luminous beauty shining between us during that song, on both nights. Because it was just so much fervent joy and love and the promise in the song of being able to let go and revel in watching someone you love soar and being ready to catch them if they ever fall. You can't make old friends, and the same is true for the music and musicians who have been so much a part of your life since high school!! I was so happy to see all of them and the feeling was absolutely mutual!!! Was directly told so, lol. And I like that they took a long break and pursued separate projects to discover who they were as individuals not just a collective and then after long years (sometimes decades) they come back together to write songs and tour shows and renew their friendships with the versions of themselves they have become, as people and as individuals.]
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