I had something I was going to say, but now I can't remember because I am a very tired Dani and I need to sleep. I do actually do that sometimes you know. I'm not the best at doing it on a regular schedule, but also I can set my own hours at work so long as I get them done and I have no kids (just fur babies and green babies) and I've been single not looking for a long while because I don't think it's right or fair of me to entangle the hearts of men who I like well enough but where I can see the end before the beginning. Since deciding it's cruel and leading people on to let them invest in a relationship when I've seen the end before the beginning and the only men I'll consider anything other than platonic or random makeout never see them again will only be under the (extremely rare) circumstance that I can't see the end before the beginning in the fatelines. (I mean, like, all things end because death is the inevitable last date for all mortal bodies -- but I mean the end of the relationship parting ways nad breaking hearts those are the contingent precogs that I'm choosing not to bring into reality. The ones where I see me eventually hurting them when things fall apart -- because it's different if you're not a precog to take your chances roll the dice and hope you get a good match even if only for a time. But when you're a precog and you can see the entire ending and how they hurt and you still willfully choose "yes, I want to do this knowing the hurt I will cause you" it's just not a set of behaviors that current me wants on my conscience. And I have to make my life choices to be able to look into my own eyes in the mirror and not hate what I see there when I look into my own soul -- and that means that if I don't like the way it strikes my ethical compass to go into something knowing the hurt I will create when we separate, even if I warn them that it's for a time but not forever which is how I used to try to square the circle in college and fresh out of college.) Anyway. That's my personal code of ethics take, I don't ask anyone else to adhere to it it's what I choose given my gifts and the unshakeable bond that's always pulling at my heart like a lodestone drawn to the north pole -- me staying single isn't for lack of opportunities, it's an ethical choice based on not wanting to start relationships where I can foresee the end before the beginning and it shows me knowingly causing someone else pain. But being single so much definitely does leave me more prone to the "eh, who needs to sleep or work on normal society schedule anyways?" life choices. 

Speaking of ethics, at some point I need to circle back better explain something I said in passing in the now private draft post. When I said that I fundamentally distrust people with moral codes based on the theological idea that sins are transferable. I'm too sleepy right now to explain the way I want to say it why and how I arrived at this conclusion for my own philosophical code, but it has to do with cognitive dissonance and moral bypassing and issues of never taking accountability for your own actions/words that caused harm. It's logically solid and even just those hints at it should be able to guide you through the logic of ethics and metaphysics that makes me classify "transferrance of sin" as one of the two foundational bad premises that are the root source of the corrupting selfish ego-driven mess that modern society is. The other is what I call the "tumor expansion theory of colonialism as growth" and that I blame Rome for -- because our entire society's definition of success and valuation is built on a model of continuous growth and expansion, but in the natural world the only thing that replicates that way are cancers (and some viruses) and everything else grows and strengthens to its natural limits based on resource availability and it's genetic plan and then the goal is a healthy homeostasis of the entire system as opposed to continuous growth for growth's sake.  I don't know which is more evil, modeling success in the world's view by cancerous growth patterns of expansion or the moral bypassing of believing sins are transferrable so it's not on you to take accountability of making right the harm you personally have done, knowingly or accidentally, once the consequences and damages are made known to you. (I recognize that my view that transferrance of sin is a theological basic premise that promotes and spreads the greatest evils in human society is a philosophical take that puts me at odds with most forms of Christianity given the whole Redeemer, died for your sins, etc -- I have no issues with those who revere and seek to emulate the preaching of Jesus, it's the idea that sins are transferable that I have fundamental philosophical issues with people using as foundational to their codes of conduct.) 

I have spent a long time analyzing where things went so wrong to get to where we are in the modern world -- because you can't fix anything by lying to yourself just managing symptoms rather than dealing with root causes. You can scrub the mold and replace rotting floorboards every time you find them, but ain't nothing going to stop the mold and rot from returning til you find the leak(s) and patch it. And those are the two core philosophical basic premises that I continuously found at the root of all evils of human actions/inactions/greed/irresponsibility that have brought humanity so dangerously close to annihilating itself and creating another mass extinction era for all life on this planet.  I should write it out more fully explain better, but not tonight. Too tired tonight to words in English the way the subject deserves. But that should be enough of the basics of my thinking that if you've any philosophical bent at all you can trace the outlines from what I said already.

O I did want to say, my hair's still curly despite the lie some of my recent pictures might give since I cut it off at the nape of my neck to bury my braid with my dog when she died. (Past lives as pagan/shaman of varying types -- your hair connects you to the divine as well as your own past but when you mourn the death of beloved family members, you ritually shear your hair short and then you bury it with them or ritually burn it.... To signify the time that is now cut off separating past energy from future growth, and also so others can know that you are in the hollows of grieving.) It's just. My hair IS naturally fine and curly, just as it's got a seven year cycle of shifting hues sometimes darker sometimes more prominent red and gold streaks in it (my mom is blonde with a strawberry blonde mother, my da has dark chestnut-auburn almost black -- so redhead gene expressing down both sides in me and golden strands naturally mixed through it, but it's definitely in the auburn-chestnut range of red genes. That said, technically, if I ever had kids with a blond/ginger dad, each of them would have a greater than 50% chance of having blonde or red hair since I carry the blonde recessive and redhead genes on both the blonde and auburn-chestnut-brown genes.)  Anyway. the thing with my hair is that whenever I am physically or mentally or emotionally exhausted, my hait gets flat like even it doesn't have the energy to curl. So me being in mourning has me easily emotionally exhausted right now and winter air being drier there's no humidity to recueil it once I bounce back from the grief hitting me unexpectedly.

But as you can see from pictures of this morning, my hair is growing fast and it's still curly as its natural state of existence, lol. Just as my eyes are still shifting sea colored hues of green-grey-blue-aquamarine and I still have ridiculous Jessica Rabbit curves of a 28G bra size and my transparent fair skin burns and freckles and scars but doesn't tan.... Not all the grief in the world trying to drown me in it can change the physical nature of this body I'm incarnating in this life. Fine curly hair is still curly. And I have pics to prove it. (My current fb picture is a very old one of me with Audrey that I switched to when she died and me smiling didn't suit who I've been these recent months. But the picture is a throwback from like 6 or 8 years ago so recently whenever I feel cute even without makeup on, I keep trying to selfie see if I can find something to represent me as I am right now in these moments of passing time that I like. Thus all the recent selfies.)

*yawns* See. Woke up happy with inner sparkle this morning and hair was definitely still curly after washing it. I'm just easily emo in the hollows as I process my grief over Audrey's death so my hair is reacting to my inner state by naturally being darker than usual and being wavy/straighter when my energy and joie de vivre get clouded over diminished by a sad upon me.... especially every time I cry, all the curls just sort of straighten out of my hair.... Same when I was a kid and coping with deaths of older family members or beloved pets. But this morning my heart was sparkly with irrepressible joie de vivre and so my hair stayed curly after washing it. 

Ok. My chamomile tea to knock me out is now cool enough to sip without scalding my tongue. So I'm going to read some Rumi poems and sip my Serene blend tea until I go curl up in bed to sleep and rest til sunrise. (I can get 1 rem cycle in before sunrise, I'll go back to sleep get the other in after greeting the dawn.)