You should remember, that no matter how deep down an overthinking rabbit hole I go, I never WANT anyone other than Eric and I never desire anything more than a reunion chance for us to choose a shared life path. The only thing I want more is that Eric be able to have the happiness he seeks for his life EVEN IF that requires me accepting I have no place in it and need to let him go..... I mean, the stoic realist side of me would tell you (and remind me) that "truth doesn't give a damn about what you want, what you desire" and that I can't lie to myself just to make me believe what I want to be true IS true (or could be true.) So any systematic quest to try to discover truth lies in a process outside of guidance by wants and desires. But it doesn't matter, the wanting and the desire is always there. Even when there's no way to make it manifest into something real. Even when I tell myself that I must deny it because it's not mutual, it's just me wanting it while he's wanting something else. (I don't know what or who he might be wanting when I get to thinking that way, I'm rather vague on that, but just the IDEA that there's something/someone else he wants instead of me brings out the immediate stoic "then I need to let him go to have what he wants for the sake of his happiness.") But still the intensity of my own desire remains inside me -- even when I try to deny it or when I think it's somehow at odds with his desires. It simply IS. Always. Even when I don't let me look at him or see him, I still WANT to I just get it into my head that if I do look at him I won't be able to do what I think is the right thing by him....And it's so far been my truth that the idea that the right thing to do by him is to leave and not look at him, that idea always falls apart whenever that way of thinking gets shaken and I'm faced with the realization that actually he DOES light up different when he sees me and when he has hope that there's a way to reach me.....
Also. I don't THINK that the reason for the way the bond is and the shared dream space and having spent all my life with the past life memories associated to him is about releasing the ties between us... It's way too deep and too much an all of it is always been focused of the good and the brightness and the love within the connection. And I genuinely don't feel like release from the bond is any damn thing he wants, and I know it's not what I want. It's also not anything that's THERE in our past lives, there's only the desire and the incandescent joy that happens when we find each other and are able to choose each other. And I have lots of past lives memories of that.... (Even as a child, almost all my past lives memories were the lives he was in as well. The only other ones I have are ones that shake loose when I catalyze memories in other people.... I tend to serve as a catalyst for waking up other people's gifts just by being around/near them, even when I'm trying to be good not do anything with my own gifts. And I also can look into people's eyes and souls and see past lives within them as they surface, whatever needs healing or the times our paths have crossed before. It's a weird thing to see your past self, versions of you that you forgot you were, rise up in the eyes of another person's past life memories when you shake them up remind them... Once I see it the rest comes through -- but going back to my young childhood, the only ones that have always been awake in me organically from inside myself are the past lives where he and I find and reach each other......) I brought it up as there are only two reasons for such strong memories and knowing, and if this life ISN'T about us working through difficulties to find reunion, then the other option is that it's to heal by letting go of the karmic debts and chains. And I will need to make me face that if that's what this is....
Also also. I don't mind that a person fucks up, we all fuck up including me. For all I know, everything I've been doing regarding Eric has been me fucking up. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. And I don't ask or even like a grand gesture of acknowledging that if the grand gesture is empty lip service. What I care about is the honesty and integrity of looking at your past choices/actions and recognizing why they were wrong and deciding within yourself to be better than the way you were. Making atonement for a wrong and/or showing by your present/future actions you're now going to do different, not keep doing the thing you know to be wrong. It's when people continuously repeat patterns of behavior, when there's no changes, that I have to conclude either they don't care or don't see it as wrong. Everyone fucks up and everyone is capable of growing and changing to be a better version of themselves than who they were -- but it won't be by grand gestures you'll convince me you're changing, it will be about what I observe your choices and actions to be....
And also. I should remind you that I DID promise not to do anything to harm or quiet the bond because it's both of ours, not just mine. And I don't intend to break that promise. Because it's OUR bond, not MY bond. And any/every time I've ever pulled away or tried to keep him from reaching me that way he has fought and poured so much love down the bond... Even right now, every night when he heads to sleep the bond is flooded with his love, and often in the mornings when he gets up -- and other times throughout the day for reasons I have no idea why other than he just suddenly feels such an intensity of love and need and floods it down the bond.... Which if I listened to my heart more than my head would be fucking obvious enough to tell me beyond any doubt what his heart wants and what his soul is seeking. I'm just not that heart smart when my head starts thinking that whatever my heart is insisting on is somehow not true to reality or not ethically right somehow.
Um. That's about all I had that I felt a need to clarify just now. So, um here's a painting by Lucy Campbell that I love and makes my heart feel peaceful and infinite and sparkly all at once. It reminds m of a dream, of all my best and favorite dreams. It reminds me of the way it feels when I let me snuggle into his energy down the bond and fall asleep there in that place of holding each other in our love. Lucy Campbell shared it in a post yesterday about prints she's getting low on. I don't actually own a print of this piece... but given how much I love it and how much happy it brings my heart, I should. The problem is, her prints are not cheap and while this one is my favorite so far there are lots of others that tempt me as well.
I'm going to finish this pot of coffee I made with my breakfast and then take the dogs out before heading over to work now that rush hour traffic has all gotten where it needs to be so I can drop off the dogs spend the day at home with Spock. (or at least drop off Sophie because she's the one might be an issue with the cat, Audrey I give the choice of staying at work to beg for everyone's lunches or coming home with me for the day.) And once I'm home, I think I'm going to start some black beans soaking so I can cook them up later to have them in the filling for making some stuffed poblanos/chile rellenos tonight for dinner -- if not today then tomorrow. and then I intend to curl up in my own bed and get some sleep for a bit. Yeah, that's the plan. (and the coffee won't keep me awake. I can drink an entire pot of coffee and fall asleep right afterward. If my body is too tired, coffee can actually make me incredibly sleepy. Coffee doesn't really ever wake me up, but it helps me to focus so my brain isn't so shotgun scatter to every associative thought in response to everything. It's an ADHD thing -- and I definitely have undiagnosed unmedicatd ADHD, runs in my da's side of the family, but I have a lot of coping mechanisms for it including drinking lots of coffee and tea to help me focus instead of being so all over the place. And I work incredibly well in hyperfocus mode if it doesn't get interrupted; this is part of why I tend to work nights/weekends opposite when everyone is in the office for when I'm doing inputting.)
[Post Title: lyrics to the Emma Langford song Free To Fall. This is a song that I adore and listen to on repeat. Also Emma has been one of my favorite musicians since about 2019 or so when I first discovered her playing The Snug at Milwaukee Irishfest as a part of the Dublin TradFest showcase. Quiet Giant had been on repeat a lot for me these recent years. And her newer album Sowing Acorns is also stunningly beautiful! The thing is, she chooses not to be on streaming services for ethics reasons, so if you want to hear anything other than a handful of singles on Spotify or Youtube, you need to listen on bandcamp or purchase her CDs/downloads. But I HIGHLY recommend it -- they're generally some of my favorite songs in recent years. Free to Fall does have a music video she made for it a year or so ago if you'd rather YouTube it.]
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