So on the drive to the orchard, we were just outside of Johnson Creek at about quarter after 1 when I suddenly say to Crissy, "Crissy. What if the DVR doesn't record the game for some reason?"
Crissy: "What? Has that ever happened?!"
Dani: "I. No. Not that I know of. And. I checked that it was set to record before I left this morning. It's just. I suddenly have this horrible sense that somehow it's NOT going to record. Not a precog. I didn't SEE it. Just a sudden intuitive FEELING it's going to fail somehow. And after I told my sister it shouldn't be a problem to watch it together later."
Crissy: "I mean. It seems strange that it wouldn't record. Especially if it's never done that before. But this is you, and I've never known your intuition hunches to be wrong. So if it does, I'm sure it will be something random and your sister will understand."
Due to trying to thread between two severe thunderstorm lines, I didn't get back until 4th quarter. (But my sister and I had plans to start our zoom watching call between 5-6pm CT so that didn't matter much.) I get in and glance at the dvr cable box and it says 1:17 -- which is definitely NOT the time. With a sinking feeling, I turned on the TV and the cable box/dvr and as I suspected, it was locked up on some diag screen I'd never seen before and nothing was responding and the time on the clock wasn't advancing past 1:17.... With a sinking heart I powered it off and on again. It turned on (slowly but the way it's supposed to) but when I went to the list of recordings, it only had one NFL game, the Packers v Bears game last week on 9/18. I texted my sister immediately with the bad news as I went to find the game as quickly as I could get the guide to flip stations and once there I started recording the remainder of the 4th quarter....
But we definitely saw those last several minutes and those nail biting blood pressure "Are you really going to fucking let Brady tie this up send it to overtime and maybe then lose this game you've been winning?! In the last two minutes?!"
My sister, albeit a Virgo, was really understanding about it told me it wasn't my fault at all but I felt bad about the DVR failure after telling her "it should be fine as long as the DVR records it." I mean, I could have gone to the orchard yesterday, was just enjoying the quiet of staying at home cozy on the cold rainy day until it was time to meet up head to symphony.... If I'd had a proper precog, I would have known better and made sure I was home to verify at least the 3:25 start of the game was recording.... But I DIDN'T have precogs, didn't even have the impending foreknowledge (that came Cassandra style too late to avert the fate) until just minutes before the shift occurred.... And so I felt awful about it.... Because by the time I had the premonition FEELING (which is different than a precog seeing/hearing/living in the future moment) we were halfway to the orchard and if I turned around then when i realized, we would be unable to visit the orchard before close and Genevieve (one of the family who own the orchard) had a half gallon of pear cider set aside for us as a gift. It's something special they make just for the family but don't sell it and she wanted to include us in the gifting of this batch, and it has a high sugar content ferments fast can't be left in the sun even for short times and needs to be drunk within a couple days. Which was very sweet and she asked us last week if we would like some if there was enough so I knew we HAD to go to the orchard this weekend. And it meant I was able to get soooooo many Ananas Reinette apples!!! (they're a small yellow skinned speckled apple from Alsace-Lorraine, the name means "Pineapple Russet" and this year the flavors are so good and complex and it's so tannic tart delicious!!!! So when I said I'd only grabbed half dozen in a mixed bag, Genevieve grabbed me one handed it to me to try (I don't like to assume, small family business, integrated pest management no chemicals -- I want to pay them for my apples so I accept gifts with gratitude, but I never assume or try for myself without asking) after I admitted I'd only grabbed about half dozen in a mixed bag and she told me to try it right then because knowing my apple prefernces for the tart complex crisp apples, she knew I'd adore it. And after I did, I filled an entire extra bag of them, especially since they will keep well in the fridge -- until May if I can manage not to eat them over the winter!
So the sudden sinking hearted knowing was one of those stupid disheartening Cassandra premonitions of a future doom/failure where you can't even fucking change it from the trajectory you're on without fucking something else up.... And the thing is, they're always about something irrational or improbable, bad things that are statistically UNLIKELY to happen and yet I have a sudden sinking feeling and disappointment that the improbable sorrow/suffering will manifest somehow -- and yet I can't just SEE the glimpse to know what's contingent or immutable and when it will be and what if anything I could do to avert it.... Premonitions like that are even worse than my classic version of playing Cassandra where I fucking TELL everyone the precogs I've seen and nobody fucking listens to me until it's too late to change the dang path and now what was contingent has become immutable and we're stuck with it and it sucks and we didn't HAVE to be stuck with it if people only just LISTENED to me when I state the improbable things that i expect to come true and happen...
On a side note: sometimes I claim and prophesize random seeming improbable GOOD premonitions/precogs that nobody can make sense of until they happen. Things like me being in front of a stage at Irishfest between sets and chirping, "O I'm so excited for when we'll get to see Punch Brothers at Irishfest!" and Crissy just raising an eyebrow said, "I mean, that doesn't seem likely, but I'm here for it if it happens" and my ex boyfriend who is a skeptic didn't know about my gifts but knew I could be a bit uncanny and it scared him. so he just blinked at me and said, "DANI! That makes no SENSE! Why would Punch Brothers play Irishfest?!" Are any of them even Irish?!" Me happily: "Not that I know of!" Him: "But that doesn't make and SENSE?! Are you sure you don't mean Summerfest?!" And I sipped osme of my red flavored snow cone and told him, "I do NOT mean Summerfest, I've SEEN Punch Brothers at Summerfest and if I meant Summerfest, I'd have said so. The stage names are different. Punch brothers WILL play Irish fest, in front of that banner with the irish-ified nstage name. I don't know how or why, I only know is." And he said, "Well that's just not something that I just can't see happening. You're just making things up now." Which got me angry and I glared at him said, "Well of course YOU can't see it. I didn't see YOU there for it. Just Crissy and me. And I don't know WHY Punch Brothers will play Irish Fest, but they will. And I'll see it and Crissy will see it but YOU will NOT see it." They announced soon after that, after I had definitely broke up with the ex, that the nextyear's theme for Irishfest was "roots and branches" and would feature bluegrass/newgrass artists -- including Punch Brothers. Who played the exact stage I had said they would. (This was towards a rather rocky end of that relationship, if you can't tell. In large part because his dismissiveness and refusal to listen to anything form my gifts was not only patronizing but ALWAYS lead to precisely what I had warned would happen if my precogs weren't heeded and I was tired of cleaning up messes I could easily have avoided if I was listened to. Also, he never once apologized or admitted I had been right with my sudden intuitive knowing he had refused to listen to, just shrugged and the closest to an apology I ever got was "I mean it was so unlikely -- how could anyone have KNOWN that?!" Anyway. There's a reason he's an ex... In general, trying to figure out when and how to discuss my gifts with boyfriends is always difficult for me... One of these days, I'd like to be with a man who knows and accept s and listens and loves me for all my wyrd gifts. Where he sees them and hears me and believes me and doesn't need to be convinced or cajoled that even when improbable still my spiritual gifts and wyrdness are my truth...It would be nice to be accepted and loved for my witchy/fey gifts just as they are and just as I am with them.)
Anyway. This was one of the disheartening because I cna't avert them premonition FEELINGS not a precog SEEING that the DVR would somehow not record the game and we'd miss most of it.... The only precog(s) I've had since the major fate line fluxes over the week were on Friday afternoon. I was getting dressed for the Della Mae concert and was just about to put the sweater on when I got a quick precog flash of me wearing that outfit at Overture Hall. So I rolled my eyes at my reflection, stamped my foot and said, "O thanks. This is definitely important enough to precog flash. Glad to have you back but hell, if I'm wearing this outfit tomorrow night, WHAT will I wear tonight to Stoughton Opera House, hm? That's where my time crunch is after all...." And obligingly, I got a very weak precog of me and Crissy at Stoughton Opera House and thus knew what I'd be wearing. I quirked an eyebrow at my reflection, put my hands together in gratitude gave a bow and said, "Thank you! That is much more useful precog for right this moment." And I honestly didn't care if they were self fulfilling prophecies or not, I often test and try to foil my precogs because of a scientific "desire to disprove the hypothesis" mindset (spoiler alert: the immutable precogs always come true, even if they're random stupid things like a glimpse of me somewhere so I know the outfit/company/place and even if I TRY to wear something else or try to let other people choose a different restaurant, I spill somethign that stains on the outfit need to change or the restaurant option is randomly closed/long wait time and stupid things keep getting in the way until I give in to accepting the precog or if the other person knows about my gifts they get exasperated say something like, "Dani just tell me WHERE you saw us eating -- this is stupid and I'm hungry." Anyway, so I DID have some minor precogs on Friday afternoon/evening, but they were the small kind that occur all the time in short timeframe loops and not anything big.... (on a side note, packing is WAY easier if you can peek ahead or ask for a precog from each day to know what outfits/shoes/outerwear to pack. Packing always takes me waaaaay longer if for some reason the precogs aren't flowing the way they typically do. It also works for assisting other people (especially kids) with packing or for making sure that you don'tforget things you almost forget. Half the time when I think I'm done packing or ready to leave home to head out the door for a drive to a show, I pause and close my eyes and think to myself, "Right, let's check contingent precogs -- what might go awry if I leave right now just like this? What am I forgetting that I will need?" And THAT is avery useful way to use my minor precog second sight playing flipping through the fatelines. Much better than some of the ways I use the gift.... (Look, sometimes I will literally just ADHD fidget spin with the flow of time for absolutely no purpose, sometimes not even realizing I'm doing, rather than use a physical fidget after getting yelled at so much by teachers in elementary and physical middle school for tapping or playing with my hair or flipping my pens/pencils around my fingers....)
Anyway. The dogs and I are back at work. The Packers won. My sister and family and I still got to watch the last quarter of the game at least. I avoided being caught in the 60mph winds with quarter inch hail sever storm cells. I got to spend time with Genevieve's 3 beagles (they're always there on Sunday, Audrey is always welcome to visit, but Sophie doesn't always get along with other dogs so I'm waiting until after my parents get back to bring Audrey to the orchard again.) We acquired our half gallon gift of pear cider and plan to split it and drink some of it tomorrow night. So many of my favorite varieties of apples are available now and I bought myself 27lbs of apples (at $2/lb)!!!! So things really didn't quite go as planned, but it's alright and things worked out.
~*~*~*~*~
O right! Also. On the precog/premonitions front! For what it's worth... I don't currently have any precogs or even premonitions regarding Eric. Not positive ones, not negative ones. None. It's just an opaque void of unknown....
I can't see that he IS in my future fatelines, but I also can't see that he ISN'T.... Everything, and I do mean every damn thing, that I have said about me not seeing me in his life or his future or that he doesn't want me because he is in love with someone else -- it's all overthinking coming from my head and logic (which may or may not have bad premises) and trying to make me come to terms stoically with what I don't want to be true rather than allowing myself to believe any lies. None of that is coming from any precogs I've seen or any premonitions I've had.
I DID have both precogs and premonitions that they were going to sign to a country label and I'd have to let the band go and it was going to change everything but there was nothing I could say or do to stop them from changing those fatelines to less painful lessons from failures paths -- and I warned Crissy about it coming over half a year before they announced the signing to Big Machine. And following the choice made on Oct 28, 2018 I had the sudden shift of fate lines and the precogs of every consequence of that choice and how I wouldn't be able to avert any damn one of them no matter how hard I tried until I reached the point of complete failure and giving up every one of the contingent precogs I've had since I was a kid about the future that WOULD be if we found each other to reunite, even though it takes a lot to push me to give up on anything I care about. And I hated those precogs and I fought every one of them and I've tried and tried and every one of them has come true... And I hate it and knowing it's coming doesn't make the hurt or feeling of betrayal or loss of faith in a person's ethics any easier to bear....
But as for where things go from HERE?! O, all my conclusions are just hypothesis-probability logic driven overthinking. Ain't a damn thing about the trajectory as I see it from here that has anything to do with seeing a precog or feeling a premonition. It's all a blank slate, a tabula rasa -- there have been no choices that would define the path that the precogs/premonitions would be generated from. I haven't SEEN or FELT any damn thing to make me draw my current conclusions -- it's all just my overthinking the circumstantial evidence and my assumptions about how/why the events of the past were chosen by other people to go down these current paths. It's all overthinking and drawing conclusions from the overthinking. None of it is fated knowing, none of it is from my gifts. I can see nothing, neither good nor bad, regarding Eric and me and our future paths. In large parts because none of the choices that would determine WHICH path we walk from here has yet been decided/chosen by the person(s) whose free will would set the course.
I don't know if that's reassuring or not... But, none of my current conclusions and sitting in hurt and stoic acceptance is based on anything my intuitive spiritual gifts have shown me... And. If I sit and poke at my gifts.... I. Well. in my subconscious KNOWING, what i feel from him is love and desire and fear and hopelessness because he can't see a way to what he wants but a deep abiding certainty and promise within him that he KNOWS what he wants and nothing can change that and while he may not know how to get from here to any damn thing he desires, he's very clear on his desires..... And if I wanted to do anything to make his path easier right now, all he would want would be to know that I see him and to feel that the love runs both ways and I still love him. (I do love him. It's not a lack of love or desire keeps me from letting me see him -- it's my (potentially mistaken) belief that to look at him would just end up hurting both of us down the line for wanting what we can't seem to have and make work.) If I poke with my intuition at it all, there's just a bubbling glowing love trying to burst into full beauty and his reaching and trying to keep me from giving up on him or me moving somewhere he cannot find or reach me..... Which makes no sense, it's just what my heart says it KNOWS about his heart, no matter the distance or miscommunications, it insists that my head is all wrong and he knows what he wants for his happiness, he just doesn't know how to make it his.
But yeah, my current stoic head space has nothing to do with fated events or my precogs or any spiritual gifts or my desires that have spun me to believing that there's no place for me in his life and it's past time for me to let him go. That's all overthinking and my analysis of the evidence and data that I can see from my limited subjective knowledge. And my assumptions that he's dating around and seeking some other woman to fill his loneliness so he doesn't feel the only single in his group of peers, the only one who still is nowhere near his happily ever after.
And.... For all I say I need to accept that he wants someone else doesn't want me and I need to let him go completely and move on.... I'm still currently single and not dating anybody else and there's nobody available in my life I'm even the littlest bit interested in. And I'd rather be alone than with someone who is a waste of time or not what I want.... And right now, the deepest truest parts of my heart only want him -- I can make me accept he doesn't want me and he should be free to have whatever it is he does want -- but I can't make me want someone other than him. Hearts don't work that way. Souls don't love by fiat ultimatums. And even if I can't be with him because there's no place for me in his life and he doesn't seem to want me or care about me, still I don't want anybody but Eric. And I'd rather be single than pretend or make someone else fall in love with me when I just want Eric...
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