So, tonight was the first real frost warning and I've been telling myself for over a week now (and telling Sarah and Crissy and everyone else I talk to) since the forecast showed things getting down into the 40s that it was just the end of the season and I had to except that it was time for my tomatoes and peppers to be allowed to die because it's the end of the season and they're rarely happy when brought inside and if not now then soon -- but o how sad I was to just let all the fruits and flowers on them just die... And I've been trying to talk myself around to a state of ruthlessness....but, the thing is ruthless is osmething I'm only good at while in the flash point of my anger... I'm not GOOD at ruthless or hurting others or being the reason they suffer.....  So on Friday night Sarah gave me a bag of extra sheets for me to use to cover things overnight once we hit frost season and then tonight.... Ah tonight when the time came for me to make choices and be ruthless and let them end the season the way they're supposed to and they would if they were in the ground in a proper garden not in planters

 When Crissy got here so we could taste and split the pear cider from Genevieve, she came outside and asked, "Is there anything I can help you with out here?" And I looked at her and said, "Not unless you can help me be decisive and ruthless." She laughed, looked me up and down and said, "Nope. There is not a ruthless a bone in your body tonight." then she turned around and went inside to tlak to Sarah left me to struggle with my conscience and my practicality and TRYING to sort out who must die and who can be allowed to live a bit longer inside.....

And. Well. I just. Look. I failed. 

I failed miserably at being cruel and ruthless and accepting the senescence of the end of season nightshades because they're NOT planted in the ground, they ARE in containers and that means that if I love them enough I can bring them inside... And so leaving them outside felt like ABANDONING them and not loving enough to just do the easy thing to do with a cart and I have the space at work.... And I just.... There are things in life that I always always ALWAYS fail at and I just ACCEPT about me that I fail at them. I fail at trying to be a pessimist, I fail at knitting (even highly skilled experienced knitters fail at knitting around me start cussing at the inexplicable knots and snarls of their usually docile yarn -- I think it's personal attendant pixies), and I fail at wanton cruelty leaving things to suffer... And I just, I KNOW this about me. But I really really really thought I could do it this year, just let the autumn take them quietly into the end of their season. And yet, here I am trying to figure out where and how I'm going to keep half a dozen tomato plants and half a dozen pepper plants AND the rosemary, bay tree, lemongrass, lemon verbena, and oregano I always bring in.... And I just. Look. I'm just BAD at being ruthless and unnecessarily cruel. I just am no good at it. The moment I realize my actions could cause harm, I just run right back the other way of what I said I WASN'T going to do this time because honestly things do have a proper season and a.... But, also, it would be easier if I didn't have to hear them screaming and calling out for me and knowing that when they're in pots I COULD just bring them. If I made a very minimal physical effort...

See, it started with the habanero plant. because the habanero still has dozens of young peppers on it that will be ready in the next couple weeks if I just give them a CHANCE but if they stayed out, even under a sheet, they would die. And so it just felt like murdering all of those wee little baby peppers that could be... And so then I was talking to it and myself and saying, 'O alright, but just you because you have all these young fruits that are almost ready and you don't quite yet look ready to give up existence." And then I swear to G-d but all my damn pepper and tomato plants perked up and said, "Ah so that's what it takes to be brought inside?!" and then they all just started like unfurling and working on their fruits before my eyes (Crissy will swear by it too) and so then I felt like a mom picking favorites leaving the ones that were closest to end season anyway out there bringing in the rest of the pack... 

And I. Just. I mean. Look. I just brought everything in that there's even the possibility of bringing it in for the winter and i tucked every damn wooden planter box and remaining herb box I haven't harvested yet in under the sheets like little fucking ghost children. (Except my almond tree which did NOT want to be protected or coddled, it's planted in a whiskey barrel instead of the ground because winters here are borderline for its survival -- and so every year after it drops all its leaves in the fall, I wrap it and bag it for winter to deprive it of light and give it minimal water keep it in a cool corner of shipping until March. So the almond tree was all sorts of defiance had some OPINIONS about being covered in a sheet and swaddled up early for winter. It definitely smacked Crissy in the head and scratched her up and kept battling to be free of her side of the sheet -- and so I finally laughed and said, "Alright bébé, if you insist the cold won't bother you anyway then that's fine. You still have to drop your leaves. But you be stoic and brave and no complaints from you when I come back to check on you in the morning."

So anyway. I should get pictures of them all. because it's a ridiculous greenhouse in here now. I need to finish moving them about and cleaning up the messes of dirt/mud I made because I was more interested in getting them inside before sunset and then enjoying the pear cider with Crissy as planned and then we ordered dinner. And now I need to get back to getting my plants settled in. But also. This is a lot of plants, definite Jumanji vibes right now in shipping and the vestibule trying to navigate until I find spaces for everyone.... An absolute jungle in here, and I don't know if I have trays for all of these....

But. On the other hand. My conscience isn't eating away at me thinking about having left anyone outside all alone in the cold and the dark while all its siblings got to come inside and it was left out to suffer..... And trust me, ain't nobody can make me feel externally mediated shame, but damn my own conscience lays the heaviest guilt on me when I do something that causes suffering to another that i could have made better.... Even after the other person tells me not to feel bad, still I'll be wrestling over my guilt that I could have done better by them. Nobody outside my own soul can shame me for anything I say or do, but nobody but my own choices can free me from any guilt I lay upon my own conscience.

*sigh* But honestly, I'm just really NOT in a headspace or heartspace to be ruthless tonight. It's just not in me... And certainly not to my green babies who didn't do anything to deserve being abandoned to their fate as the first frost advisory of the season arrives tonight -- it's just that winter is coming and the North remembers...