Obviously that Loufest and all the memories surrounding it are from summer of 2015, right after the release of After It All. And I'd been bringing friends along going to their concerts for a bit over 2 years at that point -- first full concert I caught of theirs was the $5 show at High Noon Saloon that 105.5 hosted/promoted following their single of If I Loved You on the radio, even though stumbling across the video for Morning Comes the year before was my introduction to discovering them by name though I had stumbled across them filming a video for a radio station or something while I was wandering around Summerfest by myself in 2012 and I stayed to listen only ran off to meet my friend I was then late to me when it was clear they were done recording. So the first time I SAW them was at Summerfest in Milwaukee by complete serendipity, but the first time I knew who they were and intentionally sought their show out was at High Noon Saloon in Madison. Which makes Loufest in 2015 well before they signed to Big Machine and thus long before my honesty that the country music played at their shows was too painful to my synesthesia for me to attend any future Delta Rae shows as long as the country music was part of their shows and that honesty moved Liz to block me on her personal account in May 2018, Britt to block me on her personal account on Oct 27, 2018, and less than 24 hours later someone blocked me on the official band account for being honest that I loved the song Hands Dirty and was sad that the country music at shows was so painful to my synesthesia it would keep me from attending future shows to hear it. Which blocking me on the band account is what precipitated the entire mess of me believing the band neither wanted me nor considered me a fan no matter how many shows and how much I'd invested in merch/music over the many years beforehand so I needed to do my best to respect that boundary created in the band's name and find a way to make them non-exist to me as their actions clearly demonstrated the band as a collective desired. There is no bringing the band back into existence to me or in my life or as a collective whose creations I have any desire to hear without acknowledging and addressing the elephant in the room of that choice created and perpetuated in the name of the entire band.
It's also the root cause, that single action and all of the inactions of every moment that passes where they choose not to right the wrong of it, as the seed of my belief that there is no way for me to be any part of Eric's life given those choices made in the name of his band..... And. Quite frankly. Every time he shares anything from the band, especially like today and in recent days where his account shows up as having stories I can't watch in my Instagram feed, it reinforces that belief that there is no place for me in his life and makes it grow stronger, tougher, deeper rooted with nastier thorns. I can't help it, it just does. Because it means every time I go to my Instagram to see the DMS of cute animal reels that Mikaela sent me or to watch through other people's stories, I see his account in the mix as having a story but then whenever it gets to his to play it just says "this story is unavailable right now" and then I know it's something he shared from the band account, the band account from which I am ostracized for having been honest and the collective that have made it clear that they'll take my money but won't include me among their thank you to all their backers or among their fans. Every time he shares anything that originates on the official band account, it waters and feeds that belief. You know the original story of Briar Rose? The choices made and the actions taken over these last 3 years 10 months or so have fed and watered the belief until it's like the impassable hedge of rose thorns thicker and higher than the castle itself. It's to that extent that the belief there is no place for me in his life as a result of the choices made and upheld in the name of the collective that his whole life is built around. And nothing has done anything to dispell that belief or prune it back, all that's been done, every instance of every time he posts anything about the band or especially shares anything posted from their account or when he would go live on the band account has only fed and watered and made this thorny belief that there's no place for me in his life now grow stronger more impenetrable...
And all of it is born of that one seed of an action chosen and the stubborn refusal to acknowledge or respond or alter what was done to exclude me from those they consider their fans. All of it is grown from making it clear that if I would be honest, then they would take my money but they didn't want me and would intentionally and knowingly ostracize me while verbally stating how they wanted everyone to join them over on their Instagram account.
And noxious beliefs are like any weeds but most especially like a thistle, if you don't dig it out at the root, no amount of trimming back or pulling the top off will stop it from growing back denser and stronger and more prevalent thicker than ever before. Beliefs are tenacious motherfuckers if you don't dig them out and deal with them at the root. They just are.Both good beliefs and bad beliefs. All beliefs start as seeds based on observations of actions/choices and all of them grow deep rooted thorny the longer and more consistently they are watered and fed. The first thing to do is you decide a belief is a pernicious weed is to stop feeding/watering it and then you do the work to laboriously dig it out at the root where the initial seed(s) were sown. There is no other way. And nothing makes the removal of a bad belief harder to do than being forced to see and witness actions that reinforce and nurture and help grow the "bad" or toxic belief. *shrugs* I'm doing my damnedest to try to pull it out, but I'm only one person and I'm not the one watering them making them grow, I'm not the one who isn't willing to dig down face the root cause of it. But I'm only one me and it's fed faster than I can slowly cut it back -- ain't nobody but me has ever shown a single sign of giving a damn about dealing with the root of this belief but me and everyone else involved keeps feeding the damn thing so I've had a hell of a time just trying to keep the belief from growing deeper seated. Every time anything reminds and reinforces the act of ostracism and it still existing perpetuating into the present is an action that feeds the belief I am not desire or included or wanted and the desire is for the band not to even exist to me in my world. And even when it's not being actively fed, which it is right this moment and has been significantly these last several days, weeds keep growing though at a slower rate until you can gt down to dig them out at the root. It's just the insidious way weeds are. Both in the garden and in the belief systems of the mind.
I told you -- I know the how and i know what has/continues to feed it. I can't tell you the why. The why is in the seeds that were sown, the choices and actions that manifested the paths where this belief came into being. And... I can't tell you the why of those choices or actions, I can't tell you the why of me being the only one who has ever set hand to digging this out now that it's had years of growing from those seeds. i can't give you a personal why because the choices weren't mine other than my choice to be honest about my experiences and the reactions they would get from me. And I can't give you a karmic why or a more grand universal why because that's not an insight I have into this. To me, all I can see for a why is a mistake that instead of being acknowledged was defensively re-entrenched until it turned into an absolute clusterfuck and that I don't have the tools to dig out at the root on my own. But that ain't a why. It's just the facts of where we're at now, how we got here, and what feeds the belief to make it more intransigent dig the roots down deeper.
But the Loufest memories are all bright and unshadowed by any of that. The memories were created before the shadows of the seed that was down by one choice and choice of actions surrounding it. I can make someone or something cease to exist to me in the present and future if that is the boundary asked of me -- but even I can't alter or erase the brightness of the memories. I can't destroy the light that was then, not even in the name of respecting free will choices and boundaries that others have created and perpetuated since then. But the casual mention of the past, those memories still shine though I try not to let me look at or relive the things having to do with their set at Loufest (or any of their sets at athe 44+ concerts I attended that had once made my heart sing and my soul shine and brought joy into my life for getting to exist in and share those moments ) I can't stop them when they rise up in my memory unbidden, but I do not seek the memories of their concerts or the times listening to their albums gave me joy -- to do so is to call into being that which wishes not to exist in my world. To do that is to disrespect the free will boundary another imposed. Because the memories are mine, but they evoke back into existence a group whose choices in the name of the collective are to wish not to have me among their fans and to not even exist to me. So I respect that boundary to the beat I am able. I don't have to like it but I do have to respect it. Because it's not my boundary and it's not for me to disrespect the free will choices and boundaries of another. I don't have to like someone else's boundaries, but ai do have to respect them. To the letter and completely.
But that last post that derailed to Loufest because of historic hotels I've stayed at on St. Louis, was about how it was long before those events that fucked everything up. They're from the before time, back when seeing them was only a source of joy in my life not shadowed by anything, back that time we went and saw them play at Loufest and the rest of the day/evening following it was a lot. Very typically me, every step of the way. But just a lot, lol
[Post Title: Lyrics to the song White Flag by Dido. I heard it on the radio in the middle of the night earlier this week and it's been haunting me weaving in and out of my brain as an earworm ever since. It was on repeat in my head while I wrote this.]
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