Look, everything I wrote in the last post are all things I have said before. At no point since October 2018 has my story changed because there's nothing that has changed. They haven't changed because nobody's choices have changed anything so far from the way things have been since the choices made October 28, 2018. I have no expectations or illusions about what anybody else might choose to do at this juncture -- free will choices must be free or they become meaningless. And I personally hold free will as sacrosanct because only that which is freely chosen, freely given, can hold any meaning in the gift of it. So I have no expectations or illusions, and if nothing changes in anyone's choices then the path we have been on for nearly 4 years now will be the path we stay on. But even if I could dictate another soul's choices, I never would. Not even to get me what I want most. Because I hold free will sacrosanct -- if I told you what to do, it would render your actions meaningless. It only matters if it's your choice freely given.
Even my precogs don't happen until choice makes them inevitable. Before choice is made, I see only the potential fatelines and their likelihoods and then I do my best to steer either toward the fatelines I most desire or to find a way to avoid the most catastrophic ones. But no potential fateline becomes a precog until the choice of free will is made, neither a contingent one that some act of mine can still shift better nor an ossified immutable one where all the choices are beyond any influence to change and so they're fated inexorable. Potential fatelines don't get solidified into precogs until someone makes a choice that sets the direction of consequences to flow down that way only. Even precogs are subject to the vagaries of free will -- any future you desire is only some set of choices away from manifesting.
I make no claims to infallibility or to knowing the reasons and other things motivating anyone else's choices. I can observe, I can come up with my own theories based on the data I have and my knowledge of how specific people or personality types work. But ultimately, I have to live in the world of the consequences of choices without always being able to know WHY a given set of choices were made. That's the human condition. I have told you that I can't tell you WHY we ended up on a path where I genuinely believe that there's no place for me in Eric's life and that nobody cares about that but me -- but I can tell you HOW it got to that point and what feeds/reinforces that belief. To tell you why would require me knowing and understanding the motivations behind the choices/actions of other people. And I simply don't know that. I don't even known what justification or rationalizations they have that they'd be willing to speak aloud for their past behaviors/choices. That's the heart of the why for the planting of the seeds that became this thorny hedge of beliefs, but it's something that is within the purview of people other than me and it's knowledge I'm not privy to. So I can only tell you how it happened from my observations and what feeds the belief inside me so it flourishes no matter how I try to hack away at it. That's a set of consequences that is within me, that I can observe and try to work on to alter but that ultimately will require acknowledging and dealing with the roots of the issue from which the belief sprung. And I know that. I just don't have the tools to deal with digging out those roots since they are predicated on my observations/assumptions of other people's choices given their past/present actions. I can describe to you the current state of things and I can explain the cause and the effect relationship as I experience it -- but the roots of it are about the choices of other people. And I can't tell you why or justify or explain the actions and choices of others -- I can only tell you what I experienced as it occurred.
The scientific method has its flaws and limitations, but as long as you are honest and realistic about those limitations it remains the best we've got as humans trying to understand complex systems in a rational way. So I have my own observations and the cause and effect relationships I have observed. And I have a personal ethical choice I made after my grandfather died when I was 9 to only speak the truth as far as I know it because lies render the liar untrustworthy and a breach of trust erodes the foundations of all relationships until a connection becomes meaningless. Only if there is mutual trust can there be meaning in any relationship -- and there can be no trust if it is known that I would willfully break trust for my own venal rationalizing of the moment. Because as I see it, only by choosing to speak truth to the best of ones knowledge and abilities can any person make a commitment to seeking out the real and authentic honest relationships built on real trust. And what's the point of it if it's not real and to be trusted in? So I don't lie. I can be wrong, I can be mistaken, I can be misinformed, I can choose silence instead of speaking my truth, but when I speak it is the truth as I have experienced and observed it to the best of my own subjective abilities.
And that's all I can offer you to try to navigate from where we are now to something better moving forward. I can give to you my lived experiences and observations, I can give to you the cause and effect consequences of what happens based on choices that have been made or are recurring into the present. And I can give you what I believe I need in order to clean up the mess that was made of things (and where I need help recognize it's not something I can clean up on my life without observation that things have changed from the old patterns. But I can't give you anyone else's reasons or rationalizations for how they behaved or why they did what they did. That's not a part of my subjective experience or my objective (as possible while recognizing that I am a fallible human with limited observational skills) observations.
I wish I could give you a why. Because it would mean I had one. But I don't. The best I can do for you is how and causes/effects of what has already been tried and done within these parameters.
Reality doesn't ask of any of us to like it. Subjective likes or dislikes ain't got shit to do with truth and reality as it is in the moment. Reality asks of us to accept the truth of how things are at present, it offers us the observed version of the events that led to the present, and it asks us "what are you going to do with this information for the future?" And. I can't tell you or me what any person is going to choose to do with this information to set the course they want to see for the future -- that's where free will comes into play. To chart the course of where we go from here. I can only start with acknowledging what IS in the present and the pieces of evidence I have observed that brought us to this present. And I would rather do that as openly and honestly as possible -- because as I see it any truth that I have that I withhold could be the vital piece that solves the puzzle finds the way through the tangled clusterfuck that resulted from the choices made in the band's name on October 28, 2018 and perpetuated/supported by their continued choices ever since.
I'm sorry but that's the best I can do.... If I knew how to do better, I would already be doing it. But this is, and has been throughout, my absolute best I can do in this situation. I have given all I've got at my disposal as the best I can do. My honesty in my own experiences past/present and my unwavering unflinching preference to know the truth even if it's a hard truth and my desire to find as fair/just a way through as possible, for the sake of everyone involved.
I'm sorry if my best is still not enough.... it's just all I've got to offer in a situation such as this.
Happy solstice! Do with the day of longest light the best you can with the light you have been given. That's all any of can ever do, y'know?
[Post title: lyrics to the Adele song Water Under the Bridge]
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