O I stand by what I said before - I can't know what he actually wants except by him telling me in his own time and his own way. And me assuming has caused me to fuck things up worse - so to avoid any actions based on assumptions not truths, I'm not willing to take any steps closer or further from him until I get clarity from him as to what is truly in his best interest, what the happiness he seeks is composed of. That hasn't changed.
But I'm also not going to lie or pull my punches as to where we are and what choices/actions got us here. Not to assign blame, but just because only in acknowledging the reality and how it happened can you effectively alter things for the better.
Also though. I do think it beyond tragic that I can't just hug him whenever I want or have him hold me wrapped in his arms just because he wants to. That's never going to feel right to me and I think we need to rearrange the world and reorder our lives so we can hold each other any damn night we want. In reality. With our physical arms. Not just psychically using the bond to hold the other in love, I want to physically be held by him and wrap my arms around him and feel against my skin the realness of him. We've somehow fucked things up royally in any life we can't do that..... Including this one so far.
But maybe that would never have been in this life. Because maybe that isn't any part of what he wants. Maybe I'm no part of what he wants this life. So maybe even if things hadn't gotten so fucked up, that still would never have come to be. Because maybe....
And so on and so on is how I get tangled up in the maybes that break my heart, the maybes that I can neither accept as his Truth nor can I dismiss as baseless fears that have nothing to do with his reality. And only in being able to assign all those maybes and what ifs into one of those two categories can I ever deal with them and dig them out of my brain. But I can't do that with clarity and certainty because they are all predicated on me knowing what it is he truly desires in his life this life - and at this time that's an unknowable for me unless he tells me. Sure I have the love and reassurance down the bond and everything that comes down it, but that deeper knowing needs foundations in reality so it's not solely in my head. Those foundations are the answer to all the pernicious maybes and what ifs that drive me to question him and his desires for his life and if I belong among them.
As Thoreau wrote "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." That's what I need most, the foundations for the castles in the air, to have confirmation from him that I am something important to him he wants in his life. So I know whether I should be fighting like a hellcat against any and everything that would come between us or if I should be accepting his choices letting him go and getting out of his way so he can find the happiness he seeks this life. Because I can do either one of those, one more passionately than the other since it's buttressed by my own desires but I can do whichever course I am called upon to do for his sake in his best interests. I just can't do both and I honestly can't tell which of them represents what he wants for himself this life, which he would have me choose if he were given a say in it. I don't know which of the two helps him and which one hinders him and so I commit to neither fully, just swing wildly back and forth like some some fucked up game of badminton played between the maybes....
Which is why I decided I can't just keep swinging between the maybes and assuming about his heart and thus sometimes helping him sometimes hindering him from what he wants. I don't want to fight against him keep him from what his heart desires - I just don't have certainty or clarity what that is. So I decided it's better I not assume, that I wait for him to let me know in his own time and way what his truth is as to what he needs for his happiness he seeks. And since moving closer or further from him without that knowledge is once again choosing one or the other set of assumptions about his desires, I am instead going to use all my energy to make me stay put and wait for something from him that can be used in the foundations, that isn't built of my assumptions or my wishes or my worst case scenarios. Something real and from him directly that can be the solid cornerstone on which to build.
And I know I may never get that... I could grow old (well, even older) waiting on ships that never arrive if I intend to wait for something solid and real from him as to what he desires for himself. Especially if the insidious maybes that insist I'm no part of anything he wants or is looking for this life are the maybes telling me truths. But what else am I to do? Acting on my own assumptions rather than waiting for him to tell me his truth has caused me to break a lot of shit and to do hurtful things like make me completely inaccessible to him via the bond and to take away hope that there's a way to fix this get things right.... I don't want to destroy things that can't be mended just because I listened to a maybe that broke my heart but which I told me I had to accept if I wanted to move forward. And I can't stop me from potentially doing that unless I make me hold still while I wait for certainty directly from him rather than listening to assumptions.
So I'm doing my best to hold still, not to move any closer or further out of his reach. At least until I know for certain, and that I can only gain from him whenever he's feeling his strength and courage to tell me his truth. So I won't close down the bond or turn him away from it when he reaches me that way and I'll read all his emails and what paths of reaching me he still has open to him - but I won't be seeking him out to reestablish following him on any social media contacts and I won't go running to his shows in NYC like some rom com heroine on the Hallmark channel. I don't know that that's the storyline we're in, no matter how much my heart wants it to be our love story. I need to know what he wants for himself, I need to know his truth, so I can distinguish among all the maybes which ones are real before I'm willing to act in ways that could either lead to further heartache or lead to healing.
And. When your heart is so deeply invested in the outcome, it's REALLY fucking hard to wait and do nothing even if you recognize that it's the best of your courses until you get better intel, something solid you can cling to know is real and true. The brain wants decisive action so it can move forward, making yourself wait in non-action until the time you have greater clarity is much harder where your heart is rooted. Because the stakes are higher the more you care. And I do care. Very intensely and very deeply. If I didn't care, I could have said, "fuck this bullshit" and just moved on, forgotten him, and turned to other people and things to fill my time in this life. The very fact I can't do that is testament to how much I care which of the maybes is his truth, how deeply it matters to me to get this right and to do right by him.
[Post title: lyrics to the song Castle on a Cloud from Les Misérables]
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