Sometimes, he's very intense down the bond with his love and I never quite know why....Right now is one of those times. Perhaps he's just gone to bed or something. Je ne sais pas. I have not gone to bed, I haven't even gone back home. I'm just finishing up this stack of alphabetizing/filing then I'll rinse out my cup and tea strainer from my oolong tea and head home. (Unmedicated ADHD, so caffeine never keeps me up. It actually calms my brain so I focus better instead of having shotgun scattered associative thoughts about everything all at once. Often I'll drink coffee and if I have too many cups of it, it will make me curl up  get sleepy. Especially if I haven't slept in a long while. Many times I'll make a pot of coffee and fall asleep before finishing it if I've not been sleeping regularly.)

Had a surprise visit from Mikaela today. The 16 year old got dropped off by her mom around lunch time and then she hung out with me and the animals and the fire and got caught up on some math assignments.  There's some things right now in her life that aren't so great, her father is mentally unwell and has been her entire life, and she needed some quite peaceful time at my flat.  Which is basically a combination library, art gallery, tea shop, plant nursery, lol. I don't have as many plants at home as at work because my condo only has east facing windows so I only have sunrises and morning light for natural light AND my cat likes to chew on my plants whenever he's being an asshole or passive-aggressive angry at me for not being home often enough so I try not to have plants that would be highly toxic to him.  Weirdly, he doesn't try to chew on my African violets -- they're the only plants that are consistently safe from his munching.  (Also I have some massive plants at work, a lot of them I've inherited from people who didn't want theirs anymore and I was too kindhearted to let them die. Including fiddle head ficus and rubber trees that were around when my grandfather was alive, we have customers who have asked if they can just come sit on the couch in sales hang out with the happy plants. And there are employees past and present who find it strange that a computer repair shop and IT managed services doubles as a greenhouse, lol.) But anyway, Mikaela came over to join me and the dog and the cat on our cozy day with the fire in the hearth and George Winston music and lots of cups of comforting tea. She brought lunch for us and everything to make s'mores (including vegan marshmallows -- I can only have vegan marshmallows or ones labeled kosher or  more specifically made with beef gelatin. Kosher marshmallows are harder to find, but they do exist. Also, while you can roast vegan marshmallows and they turn golden burbly or catch fire just the same so they make great s'mores, they do NOT melt the same so except when I can find Kosher marshmallows, I'm sol when it comes to rice krispie treats without Kosher marshmallows.)  And we had a good talk about things she needed to talk about and she got caught up on her math assignments she was behind on. I also told her that once she has her license, i can give her a copy of my keys so she can come over any time she needs a quiet peaceful haven with cuddly animals and a large selection of tea -- as long as she doesn't mind that I sleep whenever the mood strikes my fancy as opposed to on any normal schedule. 

And then also, my grandma is not doing well right now. We're trying to figure out why. (Her brother-in-law passed away day after Christmas. I've told you, I should never be allowed to not have snow at Christmas time -- every time I have no snow for Christmas someone on the Jewish side of my family dies. The first time it was my grandpa on Christmas Day in the third grade, the second was my great-grandma on Christmas Eve in college while I was in Florida visiting other family, and this time was my great-uncle Mike the day after Christmas.) She's been unwell and very disoriented ever since and doesn't even know that one of her closest friends since kindergarten died this week.  We're not looking forward to giving her that news  But right now, she's physically unwell and having a lot of cognitive issues and very dehydrated and we don't know why. I may have to take her in on Friday for some labs and to see her doctor and such. Depends on when they can get her in and how tomorrow (today?) goes.

Today was rather rough, with hard news and difficult life things with people I love dearly. I'm going to finish up these last few things then take my dog home. And once I'm home probably dose myself with chamomile tea head to bed and curl up into the comfort of the bond right away. (I'm incredibly sensitive to chamomile unless I'm very VERY well rested. Like taking the batteries out of the robot physical "and I'm done" response to it.  I actually don't even let me drink any tea with chamomile until I'm home somewhere I can sleep -- I don't even let other people drink chamomile in the car if I'm driving because just the smell of it has a soporific effect on me.)  May be sleepy enough to not need the chamomile tea.... Stayed up all night last night through the bitter cold feeding the fire to keep my promises to the crows so they'd have somewhere to sleep and stay warm. They may just be birds, but they're my friends and they protect me and give me gifts and a promise is a promise is a promise. If I'm home and it's bitterly cold out below 0F, I keep a fire going for them until the temperatures are above 0F so they can curl up in the warmth next to my chimney to sleep.

*yawns* Time to layer up and head home and then to bed with me. I am le tired. And I have every intention of curling up into his love and staying there until I get out of bed. Because it's there and it makes me happy.

I can make me accept I have no place in his life due to his sister's choices made in the name of the band he built his life around - I won't claim to like accepting that and that there aren't times it makes me so sad I feel I could drown the world in my unshed tears or times it makes me so angry that I'm tempted to destroy everyone and everything that gets between him and me, but I can make me accept it is necessary in the name of his happiness this life. After all, I have a streak of the martyr in me, not the saint. Make me believe that it's for the best for anyone or anything I care about and I'm willing to sacrifice my own lives as many times and as brutally as it takes for the sake of something I believe in - but I never promised to do it gracefully or without cussing at the fates that demand it of me. But unless he himself gives me the ostra or I start getting inappropriate overlays from him of him intimate with other women, I can give him up in my life but not in my heart or soul. And I can be brutal with my heart in the name of his life's happiness, but it numbs my soul to try to deny the love that exists between our souls or to deny myself the comfort of his love when I'm tired or sick or hurting or just heartsick. Trying to deny myself the warmth and comfort of the bond and the love that  bridge is forged from, it brings me to the hollows with a sense that there's no way out of them and I'll be hopelessly helplessly stuck there where there's no emotions just numbness and emptiness and loss for as far as I can sense and see. An eternal endless Tartarus within my soul with no hope I'll ever find my way out again. That's how it is inside me when I try to make me believe that he doesn't love me or try to carry on while denying myself the bond between us. It doesn't matter the reasons or how I try to hide that emotionally from anyone knowing, inside me is all just unending emptiness and numbness and purposelessness if I try to deny myself the bond between our souls and the light of love from which it's forged.  And after all. Across all my lifetimes, I'm known for my stubbornness not my cruelty, my honor not my pride, and my ethics not my ego. So I can accept that for his sake I can't have him in this life no matter how intensely I have always wanted and still want him in my life as much and as deeply as I can have him -- but I can't deny myself the comfort and healing in turning to him via the bond and snuggling into that connection. Not without sending myself to the hollows without any promise or hope there's a way out of it....and I won't do that to me again without a damn good reason. And the only reason good enough is that it's what he wants and that somehow my reaching for him via the bond hurts him or harms him and he's better off somehow with it severed and only silence in his soul where the energy of me and my love flowing into him always has been. And tonight, I'm too tired and too mournful over hardships in the lives of people I care about for me to even consider that sort of self-denial. Tonight I'm going to curl up into his love and delight that he exists, that at least we have the bond to reach toward each other regardless of distances between us. That's my plan. Bonne nuit.

Next morning update: 

Somehow after posting this, I went back to edit it and reverted it to a draft. I was very tired and it was like 3am. But I'll put it back now that I've realized. Just took my dog out on short walk, should make me something to eat at some point. But I have a weather migraine threatening in its early stages and I don't really want to eat something then get myself to the point I'm throwing it up...  And this high pressure system before it shifts and the intensity of this front is a bad one for my migraine triggers..... I'm just going to curl back up in bed listen to music until neither movement nor light stab my brain with such intense pain it makes me dry heave. Food can wait until after this front passes through.

And the physical pain of my migraines is bad enough, please don't ask me to endure it without music that reminds me time is still moving forward I'm not stuck in a place where there is only complete stillness and intense pain - music through my migraines reminds me time is still progressing and there is healing and light that doesn't hurt on the other side of this time of pain. I always turn to music for comfort - lately just instrumental. Mozart today. The choices of his sister to invoke the ostra on anything involving her or the band and to deny me the comfort of his songs and his voice since October 2018 is harder than anything else when I'm in a migraine.  Because that's when I would give anything for the comfort of being able to listen to his voice singing anything, just to listen to it for the pleasure of the colors in it's timbres and for my selfish personal joy that he is and I can at least have that little touch of him in my life.  Mostly now since late August 2019 when I accepted his choice that he stands by what has been done in the band's name and the system of injustice and ostracism, I just listen to piano or strings when my migraines get bad. There's nobody else's singing voice but his I want to hear, and I can't have that now. I still have the Delta Rae songs, they didn't stop existing, but there is no comfort nor joy for me in listening to them now. As soon as there's any vocals from Britt or Liz, even backup harmonies, there's only wary distance like a wild animal before it runs away and my respect for an invoked ostra requiring I keep myself from anything that would cross that boundary. And so there's no comfort for me in any of the recordings I have of any of his songs, nothing for me to cling to in defiant joy that it is and it exists outside my current pain and that it can carry me through these long moments of electrical storms and nerve pain inside my brain. At least they can't take from me piano melodies and strings arrangements even if their ostra has taken from me all joy in the band's songs and all comfort when I need it most in what I have available to me of his voice and his songs. 

Mozart today though. That's what I'm in the mood for right now. Mozart.