I guess that does put a huge onus on him expecting him to have the courage to cross that unknown and being unwilling to do so without certainty. "If you had faith the size of a mustard seed" and all that..... 

Is it fair of me to ask for certainty from him without giving him such certainty? I. No. It's not fair of me to ask for what I can't give him directly. I mean I can say here, "I would choose you and always you for any possible time I can have you so long as that's what you want. I'd rather a handful of moments with you than a lifetime with anyone else." That's my truth, but I'm not going to speak it to him to affect his choices or desires, to influence him with my needs and my desires. And I can affirm that's how I feel down the bond that all I want is him for however many moments I can have a shared path with him in this life. But it's not giving him tangible affirmations or a real world foundation for him to act upon. Not without me telling him to be certain he knows.

But. The thing is. The choices of his sister and the choices made in the name of the entire band in October 2018 affect things in his life that matter dearly to him. I have no relationship with his sister, she's not my sister, and so I don't give a fuck if I ever do. I'm fine with accepting an ostra of never having her in my life and never crossing the line myself to be in her life or know anything that happens in her life. That's about her boundaries, her choices, what she needs for her life - ain't shit to do with my boundaries or choices. But me being in his life puts him squarely in the middle of things, because she's his sister and it's his band -- they are important pillars of his life and his passions and his love. The only thing that makes it hard for me with moving on to other music about the band is that it means letting him go and that's hard hurts me to do. But as far as his sister is concerned? Why should I give a damn about her or wanting to disrespect her boundaries she created? I didn't lose any relationship with her because we didn't have one in this life outside my admiration of the music and what I knew of her public persona. None of which is an actual personal relationship - respecting her boundaries she created to behave as if she doesn't exist doesn't cost me any real emotional investment.  Not being able to enjoy the songs anymore does cost me, it costs me the joy I remember they gave me and they would still give me if not for the imposition of the ostra - but there are other bands and other songs out there to love and to being me joy. The loss of joy created from Delta Rae's music no longer bringing me joy is an easily replaceable loss, there's other music can bring me joy and as long as the ostra stands nothing created by that collective or involving Liz or Britt's creative input will bring me anything but wary distance and distrust that I might overstep the boundaries of the ostra.  That's the price I pay for their boundaries they created in 2018 when I spoke a hard truth they didn't want to hear that the country music caused me nerve pain due to my synesthesia so it would stop me from attending future Delta Rae shows. Trying to sell out to fit country radio may be a thing of the past, but the consequences remain from their choices and their ostra they created in response to being told the truths they didn't want to hear.

And the thing is, it may not matter to me too terribly much to have no relationship with her or to not have the band's music touch me in my life any longer, but they are both integral to his life and his emotional/mental health. It doesn't affect me to respect the boundaries Britt created, but it affects him and it will hurt him if/when it puts him in the middle of things. And it means that because of the choices Britt made in October 2018, for herself personally and in the name of the entire band,  I don't feel I have any fucking right to put him in the middle and hurt him by the estrangement created by her boundaries and her choices. How can you ask someone to take you into their life when doing so is a source of tension and pain with someone who is woven through his emotions and experiences of this entire life and whose happiness and place within his life matter to him?  I can't ask that of him... I can't put him in the middle of the cross hairs of her choices.... I can't knowingly demand that I be a source of pain and anguish in his life by my presence and the tension that creates with his sister's choices and boundaries.... I just.... How could I ask that of him? What sort of person would I be if I cared more about my selfish need of him than the mental/emotional distress having me in his life would create given his sister's choices and boundaries? 

I just. I can't do that to him.... I just can't.... I'd look at myself in the mirror and grow to hate myself for the responsibility of pain that I knowingly demanded he take on..... I know me and I know that I would... I'd blame myself and my selfishness for every time he was hurt caught between this. I can't ask him to be in the middle of the consequences of the choices his sister made and has defensively stood behind since October 2018. 

Which is why I can't let me influence his choices and his needs by giving him certainty about my own desires.  His choices should be his to make, not based on my needs.  If it's about me, about my wants and my desires influencing him toward choosing something he could otherwise live without, then I will carry on my conscience every scrap of pain he feels at being caught between my strict honesty adherence to the old laws of ostra and his sister's chosen boundaries and the consequences of her defensively standing behind maintaining them. Every time he hurts over my painful politeness without warmth to her, every time he feels caught between choosing one of us, every time I can't give a damn that she's hurting over some loss in her life because to care is to cross the ostra she created and a boundary she set - I'd blame myself for his pain. Every time he makes something beautiful with the band and it can't reach my emotions because there's that glass wall of the ostra in the band's name, it's going to hurt and disappoint him. And all that hurt inside him generated by me respecting the ostra I wouldn't blame him it exists and I wouldn't blame her or her choices - I'd blame me because it's me being in his life that creates the tension and the pain.... Rightly or wrongly, I will blame myself for that pain in him. Which is why I can only bear that path if it's what he wants and needs and it would cause him greater pain to lose me than to be stuck in the middle of these choices from 2018 and their consequences. It can't be about my selfish desires a..... If his choices are based on my selfishness and my wants, then the weight of my own guilt over me feeling I'm a source of greater pain than joy to him will break me. 

Which is why it's now about his choices and his desires and his needs - not my own selfish wants. Because of the choices his sister made in 2018 and because she's his sister it has consequences of him stuck in the middle of it. I don't give a damn about having a relationship with her, that is what it is and she created her boundaries. They're hers. I'll respect the letter of the law of ostra from her choices. Only.... I do care a fuck of a lot about hurting him by him being in the middle and being hurt about the lack of any relationship or affection from me toward his sister or anything he creates with his band..... 

Her choices in 2018 are what fucked over me willingly approaching him and encouraging him. Her choices in 2018 are what sent me running and made me try to take the bond away from him to protect him from being caught in the middle of it. But it's me I'll blame for the pain that he feels about my obvious polite distance and lack of warmth and disinterest in events of her life.... It doesn't matter that the boundaries are hers and the choices were hers - me being a source of pain to him is something which I will blame myself for..... And it means my selfish desires and needs are something for me to keep to myself rather than tempt him with them knowing it requires he be caught in the middle of this.  

That's the battle inside me to try to let him go that I've been waging since 2018. That's what's keeping me away. Not that I don't want him, it's that I don't want to be a source of pain to him and I don't see a way for me not to be since these choices and these boundaries were made in October 2018. 

So maybe it's not fair of me to demand that I have certainty it's what he truly wants before I'll allow me to come back any closer to him - but to knowingly come closer with this hanging over everything and to entangle his emotions because of my desires/needs would be an act of intentional cruelty on my part. Especially if it's not something he sincerely wants/needs for himself. Because if it's my desires and my needs that motivate things, then I'm buying my pleasures at the price of his pain.....and that would weigh so heavily on my conscience....

P. S. On the drive to my parents house to watch figure skating with my maman, I turned on the car and Tiny Dancer started right away on 92.1. it ended, I started station hopping, landed on 105.5 for the end phrase of a Lumineers song (no words, I just recognized the instrumentation and melodic/rhythmic lines) and then Tiny Dancer started. So that was the Universe's answer to my anxiety. Elton John's Tiny Dancer. You know: 

"Pretty-eyed, Pirate smile.  You'll marry a music man. Ballerina, You must've seen her, Dancing in the sand. And now she's in me, Always with me, Tiny dancer in my hand... Piano man, He makes his stand, In the auditorium. Looking on, She sings the songs The words she knows, The tune she hums . But oh, how it feels so real.  Lying here, with no one near, Only you and you can hear me. When I say softly, slowly:Hold me closer, tiny dancer. Count the headlights on the highway. Lay me down in sheets of linen.  You had a busy day today." 

So if you believe in signs, that's what the Universe gave me. Two doses of Tiny Dancer for my drive to my parents house after I over thought myself into that mess once again.....