O I set this to private yesterday due to overthinking. Not overthinking about Eric - I've probably over thought in so many circles on any/everything related to him that I've gotten completely lost, close back to the start, and I have decision paralysis no idea where we go from here. That is what it is and will be what it will be, and if I had any fucking idea what I personally could do to help untangle the mess that was made of what should have been easy, I would. But I don't see anything I could do, so I'm still in the headspace of trying not to think about any of it because it's not in my power or my choices to fix what the girls broke and without addressing that and making right the wrong, I genuinely don't see how I could fit into his life. Which just makes it hurt every time I think about him or I'm reminded of him and about what I've spent so long desiring and hoping for and believing was in our some days this life.... The mess of it all hurts far more than any reminders of him brings joy right now with the way things are and I see nothing within my own choices to alter that truth.  So it's better to at least hurt as little as possible. This why I'm focusing on what's in my life, what is within my choices to heal and make brighter for myself and other people I love and I'm deliberately doing my best to not let me think on him or his band or anything to do with him besides an equilibrium that at this point he's no part of my actual life, his life choices aren't bringing him closer into my life, and I currently don't see how we could possibly get from here to a path of us being together in this life on current trajectories. But, I mean, that's my general state of isness I've arrived at over the last 3 years of choices made in the band's name except for the brief span of months in 2019 when I had the blind faith hope that now their pr/management was back in their own hands they'd address and correct the system of exclusion and bullying created on their band Instagram account. This forcing myself to numbed acceptance of their choices and the consequences thereof is nothing new in my heart. Doesn't make it any easier for me to do, doesn't make it a healthy coping mechanism for being hurt by the choices/actions other people made, but it's certainly not a new state of things....

My overthinking was about the two most recent posts as a birth chart is a lot of personal information and my mum may be find with her picture on my Facebook page posting on Sunday, but that's not the same as randomly online. So I set the whole dang blog to private to authors - it's not like it has a point or anyone reads it or would miss it. So why have it public? I dunno a reason to have it public instead of private to authors (which means just me), but the bond gets very agitated from him whenever I close myself off at all and it's extra hard for me not to think about him when his emotions pull strongly along the bond.... Including the last day since I set this private. So I just set those 2 posts to drafts instead in hopes it will calm at least some of his emo agitation. 

I don't really have anything new to write about here though.  APT tickets tonight and planning to head to Spring Green early (mid-afternoon-ish) to have some time for book shopping at Arcadia (an indie bookstore) which means heading to work for lunch just as soon as my hair finishes drying because I soaked some tulip and daffodil bulbs yesterday need to get them in the ground. (I still have a lot of crocus and hyacinth bulbs to soak and then plant, but tomorrow is rainy so don't want to do the 12-24hr soak until right before planting. Looking like either Friday or Saturday for more planting and such, weatherwise....) Mikaela is off school the next couple days so I expect to spend some time with her. And tomorrow afternoon I need to make soup with the butternut squash I pre cooked up early Tuesday morning. Saturday night I have tickets to see The Harp Twins at Stoughton Opera House (up in the balcony because I don't know much by them except their version of the worms crawl in song. That's not the actual song title, 99.9% certain the actual title is The Hearse Song for the opening lines: "Don't you ever laugh as the hearse goes by, or you may be the next to die..." Anyway, they do a creepy cover of it and have some other creepy songs so I decided that I "sit in the balcony, not right up front visible to stage" level desired it in my Halloween weekend plans.)  

Alright, I'm going to go reheat the last cup of coffee from my breakfast French Press and then curl up in my towels reading Hasan al-Basri in Les Mille et Une Nuits (nights 778-831 of 1,001 Nights in French; I took a bit of a break from reading the Arabian Nights in French at this story because it was like 200pgs long commitment I wasn't in the mood for just then) until my hair dries enough for me to get dressed. (Towel drying, using a hair dryer even with a diffuser, or pulling shirts on/off while curly hair is drying causes massive frizziness. After applying post shower curl cream, it's best to touch it as little as possible until it's dry to reduce frizz related issues. Unless you want to intentionally have a first year Hermione day....)