My heart is heavy and sad and I just want to curl up to cry defeated ever since I brought up my fatalistic view I've held in my head since October 2018 and have spent all but 3 months of the last 3 years trying to force my heart to accept.... And this time it's not just my own broken heart weighing heavy in me, it's his down the bond as well. Mirroring each other amplifying when we feel the same thing is definitely making this worse right now. It's hard to separate my emotions from hai right now they're so interwoven....

I didn't mean to do that. I was recapitulating facts as I see it which includes the bitter pill of acceptance that these are his choices this life which I've been trying to force on myself to accept.  I only brought it up as reassurance that it was nothing new, nothing altered, on that matter of the heart. I didn't mean to bring down this weight heavy on the heart.... It's why it hurts less not to think about him, not to be reminded, not to remember - reminders just brings crashing onto me the full weight of the pain of this path we've ended up on.... It's not that I don't want to be reminded of him qua him, it's just that reminders of him are also reminders of the choices that got us to this point of separation and exclusion and all the pain those choices created. And that still weighs heavy on me and hurts and feels like I can't breathe when I try to face it and accept all of the consequences to him and to me if it doesn't get altered from this current path. And I don't have the strength in me to want to keep going without any hope that we can find each other this life - I keep myself hanging on by not killing the irrational hope in me, and I do that by not facing the weight of this path their choices brought us to but instead doing my best not to think about him by focusing on all the magic and the bright goodness in my life.  

I didn't say that it was the best or the healthiest way of trying to cope with the weight of the fatalism about others choices and the consequences of it - I just claimed it's the only way I know how to keep that weight from making it so I don't see any point in continuing on from here. Which is how I feel whenever I look too closely at the path chosen and where it's leading if nothing is chosen to change course to brighter paths.

I need to find a way to lift this heaviness and repress it away again and go back to being a beacon of light. Otherwise, if I try to plant the bulbs without emotionally recalibrating, far too many fo them will come up dead. Which would be easier if I didn't want to just curl up in bed hugging my dog until my heart stopped hurting so badly. I may just head to Spring Green for some book shopping therapy before the play and decide to plant the bulbs tomorrow, even if it means planting in the rain and I'm not sure sitting the extra day after soaking to encourage root growth is a good idea. *Le sigh* what a fucking unnecessary mess.... Not just today, I mean all of it over the last 3 years. 

Gah! My phone is at 2% so I'd best do something about that before it does as I'm leaving town. Luckily, recharging the phone is an easy fix. Of all the things, it's by far the easiest to address right now.