O, it's not weird I miss him or feel pouty that coming home isn't synonymous with coming home to him - that's just general isness of existence with me. Especially this life. It's the intensity of the"something is wrong" and "you're further from making the choices to make things right than you were this morning" and something panicky unwilling to do anything else until I acknowledge what I'm doing wrong and course correct. That's what is irrational. Not the missing him basic esse, the intensity and weird specificity tonight of missed opportunity and running out of time to fix things. 

I'm clearly doing a great job sleeping.... Restlessness and "this isn't where we should be, fix this before you can't" keeps troubling my sleep waking me up before I can hit REM dream state. At the moment, my cat just came to curl up along my spine purring when I  reached for my phone or I'd get up and give up on trying to sleep right now.  So I'm just laying here trying to understand and soothe this restless sense of mistakes that need to be fixed immediately, staring into the dark while listening to cat purring through my bones, the dog sleeping/snoring, the fan, and the crickets/frogs from the pond at the end of the circle via my open window. 

Also though, WHY is this hitting me like this tonight?!?! I get that intuition and logic aren't always related, but normally I can find a sort of connectedness and sense to it. I can't this time. And it's so fucking intense.... Make it make sense.... Please?