Weds night/early Thurs morning (somewhere between midnight and sunrise) I dreamt that I was sitting in the cave watching and waiting when the ravens turned white and before I could even stand up,  the bear came barreling through the door,  knocking it off its hinges leaving just an arched doorway,  empty with no door.  And then he was there,  just hugging me close against his chest,  sometimes a bear,  sometimes human, but very insistent and clear that he wasn't going to let anything stay between us.  

And I thought it just a dream, because in my actual day to day life nothing changed.   but in the afternoon/evening while taking my dog on her walk,  it hit me just how sad and alone I felt having the bond so diminished and quiet.  Just intensely sad at the prospect of letting him go leaving it like this.  And then over on one of the Clover Nooks, just past the giant ancient oak and ash trees I always hug in greeting, there were suddenly crows, a group of 4 and a group of 3, and they were circling right around me cawing - even circled full speed in a circle right in the street close enough to feel the rush from their wing beats.  And they weren't any of Jon Snow's family,  they were crows I didn't know.  One of Jon Snow's brood was following watching me and hid under a pine tree along with a squirrel  from these circling crows I didn't know.  Anyway,  the group of 4 flew in from my eight, circled, disappeared to my left; then the group of 3 came from the right,  circled,  flew off to the left.  Then all 7 of them came back from my left, circled the opposite direction 3 times,  and then disappeared back to my right the direction they came from.  It was the wyrdest thing.... Jon Snow's grandkid who was hiding from them was so scared wouldn't come out til I said,  "I think they're gone now.  I wonder what that was all about" and then kept along pacing me tree to tree making the particular sequence of vocalizations that Jon Snow and his brood use for me.  Finally I promised them we were heading home and they should go to nest before it got too dark for them to see where they were flying.  (I don't know where Jon Snow and his family live - they watch over me and bring me gifts,  but have never entrusted me with their nest location. 

And then last night,  ever since I had dinner,  thers's just been this flood of his love down ths bond.  Overpowering everything else. Like it used to be.  And it's like that again this morning,  and if I reach down the bond there's an instant response. 

And I dunno what to think about it all....  The Morrigan's power is such there's no way to break it except by meeting the geas.  But I've seen nothing to make me trust there's anything but wishful thinking in hoping it's opened legitimately.  And yet,  if I reach for the bond,  there it is as if it had never been sealed.....  

And I don't understand the whys of it,  I only know the is of it that I experience.... I'm sure it will eventually make sense. Probably. But at this point it doesn't.  So I'll just take it on faith my experiences are true and have hope there is joy woven through in whatever is unfolding that caused the shift. 

On a completely frivolously vain note - my curl pattern is really beautiful today after washing it this morning!! (it isn't always,  perils of curly hair means you never know what it's going to do because never in my life has it curled the same way twice,  lol) 

I also have no idea why I'm so glowingly white light lit - I have no lights on in my living room and there's no sunlight.  It's a completely gray sky horizon to horizon type morning here.  But with lots of bird song.  I'm going to chalk it up to the main reason I dislike pictures of me - I almost always have weird light radiating out of me or haloing me or random orbs/beams/lens flares surrounding me.  When I sit too close to fires, there's always a protective purple shimmer between me and the flames if you take pictures of me.  Anyway.  It's a known issue with trying to get pictures of me, lol. 

Let me try again somewhere with no windows in my flat so you can maybe see the curl pattern, which was the goal, not just me being extra luminous for no reason physics can make sense of... Somewhere like my closet.

Anyway.  I'm going to drink this last cup of coffee and go back to my non-fiction book. (Play Like A Girl: How a Soccer School in Kenya's Slums Started a Revolution by Ellie Roscher;  it makes you tear up good cry at the tenacity of goodness some people create out of nothing in some of the worst situations of endemic poverty and misogynistic cultural trends imaginable. So far,  it's incredibly beautiful and inspiring through the heartache of real life stories of Kibera for the young girls growing up there.) 

After coffee I'll go get ready before making tea and back to reading.  My grandma's appointment is at 2:30 and then we're planning to have Sa Bai Thong with my aunt (who always runs errands in town on Fridays) to celebrate grandma and my aunt being vaccinated. And me too now, though I still have 1 more week til full immunity, even if my vaccination wasn't any part of it when we made the plans to have Thai food to celebrate - we made the plans the day my grandma got her second dose and my aunt serendipitously got her first and decided we'd celebrate together the next Friday appointment my grandma had.  Which was weeks before our company was allotted a scheduling. 

P. S.  This quote though: "She seemed to understand that hope cannot be passive, that only the hardest workers can have the audacity to hope." p. 43