O I haven't written here in an age have I?

Firstly, I'm still single, though Dave got very frustrated with the fact that he once again asked at the start of a song, "Who's in love?" and "Who's looking for love?" and didn't really get an answer to me in either.... The first because I'm single and "in love" means something different "has a life overflowing with love in it." and the second because "looking for love" implies that I'd actually be trying, that I'd be actively out on the weekends or on dating apps (I've never actually even installed ANY dating app, let alone created a profile or used one.)  And neither is true of me -- I'm done dating if I can see the end before the beginning, but I'm content to be single rather than with someone who isn't right for me. I have zero desire to 1) waste my time because I don't have enough enough time for people I love and WANT in my life 2) break my heart or anyone else's (mostly other people's hearts when I date casually, tbh) 3) invest myself or my energy into anyone or anything temporary 4) use up my finite ability to spend time around people on someone I don't even want to be around 5) engage in small talk unless forced.

That said, Nancy's IMMEDIATE reaction after geeking out over the caliber of the musicians and the caliber of them as humans was to ask me if Dave was single and when I said yes to say, "Oh good! Because he's perfect for you, can actually keep up, and obviously into you. And I want to go to a wedding in Ireland." Which is EXACTLY how Melissa reacted to him (though he hadn't broken up with Di yet at that point) and how she reacted when she asked me back in like January or so if he was single yet..... They are both firmly on team wanting to get us together.......

O!!! And I got to meet Joslyn and her 3 friends who flew up to Portland from San Francisco and who Martin was so excited we were right next to each other talking and ran over after the end as he was packing up his mandolin to talk to me and tell me how excited they all were and all the reasons I needed to become friends with Joslyn (all things we covered, but legit part of how we bonded so quick as kindred spirits.)  And because of that encounter and her feeling the compulsion to talk to me about some past issues within the Mat Nathanson fan group/street team (not all fan groups and street teams are the same and MOST are actually quite toxic, ones that function in a supportive family way instead of attacking and tearing other fans down out of jealousy or defensiveness are the rarity and depend ENTIRELY on the band themselves and how they behave AND the people you choose to run it -- the Delta Rae Diehards are ALREADY FUCKING TOXIC. I had a male fan of theirs decide to comment on a post of mine sharing Only IN America that included a comment ACKNOWLEDGING the toxic issues I'd dealt with in 2018 and how close friends and family have been urging me since the start of the "w're country now" decision to let go of the band stop followng them or going to shows because of how toxic that choice and then Britt's actions were for me. Anyway, I did NOT tag the band in the actual post (did share from their facebook post) but it did tag them in the comment but comments don't show up on discussion of a page. Never interacted with this guy before, but he decided to comment on my post telling me I was being unnecessarily harsh and no true fan would ever say anything that critical publicly.  I thought about responding then said, "Fuck it. I'm working not to let this situation trigger me. What does he even matter? I don't know him, we have no mutual friends, and he had to actively seek out this post to even find it. All this interaction has done is confirm my observations and interactions with Jessie, Kendi, Jen, and the Diokete bitch that make me want nothing to do with the Diehards as a fan group or street team. Best delete his comment before one of my ACTUAL friends get protective FOR me and decide to respond though." But anyway, Matt Nathanson fans are universally KNOWN for their extreme levels of cattiness, drama, and jealousy issues to an extent that they are the main reason I stopped going to his shows because they made being in the crowd not an enjoyable time as an empath.)  So Joslyn felt, because of how my empath healer abilities function, to pour out to me within 10mins of us talking every detail of what she had endured in jealousy and ostracism and bullying that still hurts her from so many of them and also how a mutual friend of ours (also in the banjo family of We Banjo 3 fans) got caught in the crossfire of misunderstanding and hurt and I could tell she felt bad about it and wanted to heal it didn't know how and had anxiety about them both being on the We Banjo 3 Ireland bus tour. (This is a thing Irish indie musicians do -- they schedule with one of the tour lines a bus tour in Ireland for their American fans that includes bus, hotel, an itinerary of things they love want people to visit, concerts open to the public, some private acoustic shows, and the band is along on the bus and at the various places/activities for the entire week. they're popular and sound fun but VERY pricey without including airfare and don't provide enough introvert recharge time for me. I'm not saying never, just saying I wouldn't spend my own money on it.)  Anyway, after asking if I knew Amy, Joslyn IMMEDIATELY asked if we could take a selfie with me and her other friend who knows Amy and message it to Amy. (Before even getting into this story about the Matt fan groups and how toxic and cruel mean girls they behave.)  So I used the opportunity to tell Amy Joslyn and I had talked and she confirmed what I knew and Amy has told me about Matt fans being crazy and Amy asked for more info then asked if I'd proof a message she wanted to send Joslyn to clear the air. (VERY proud of Amy on how she wrote it, as she is only child has a habit of justifying defensively her past position wihtout acknowledging where she went wrong and how/why that upset the other person and thus perpetuating conflict rather than making things better and she's working really really hard with some moderate guidance from me on how to improve this.  I had no recommendations except how to end it which she didn't know but would have likely found her way to without my nudging.)  And so the toxic mess of Matt's fans and the hurt over the past I couldn't completely heal, but I could mend that small bit of it and let them then be able to work out a rapprochement and friendship moving forward. AND, I could help Joslyn's healing a lot on the hurt at being friends with a male musician and stupid girl jealousy over it and then choosing to cut ties with ALL band street team and fan groups moving forward not let musicians in close anymore because it's not worth the pain. (I've been through that several times, one was really awful...Been gun shy of fan groups and jealous bullying girl behaviors for about 13 years now as a result -- the boys of We Banjo 3 basically had to FORCE me to it because they told me they adore me and WANT me there and WANT me as their ambassador in the crowd and I am a huge influence on how they developed their own code of conduct and goals for what they want their music and fan group to do to spread love and light and kindness and empathy in the world.  Which is so sweet, you have no idea how it made me melt....)  So I was able to listen to Joslyn without accusing her of a humble brag and acknowledge how much that HURTS to be targeted by female bullying mean girls behaviors and jealousy and how it makes you gun shy about fans and fan groups and quick to be hurt by certain behaviors like ostracism and blocking and how they bring up specters from the past.

Anyway, I'm super excited to have met Joslyn, hope she and her friends come to Milwaukee in August, and I'm really REALLY happy about the healing I could do for Joslyn and Amy (and my past self also had a chekin on how I'm healing and healed  letting go of the hurt that still remained from female bullying jealousy and defensiveness attacks.)

Sunday night was hard after we got back from Portland, despite all the dogs and their constant loving on me snuggliness and trying to sneak up the stairs where they aren't allowed to try to join me. It was hard because Hannah Nancy's daughter is also staying with her and Hannah is in a bad inner space hurting right now over some things and sleeping in the room right next to her room meant I kept feeling her strong sorrows and waking up from my own sleep crying.....

Monday I got to meet Nancy's new boyfriend, he's good for her and she's completely head over heels into him.

My sister worked from home on Wednesday in the morning since she ha a work wine and hors d'oeuvres event in the afternoon that was nearer home than the office -- so I got to spend some time with her just us which was nice.  And then last night was my sister and brother-in-law's date night, so Matt & Amy came over fr pizza party (they were supposed to babysit anyway for the scheduled date night til I ended up being out here during it as well) and the kids were angelically good for us with no meltdowns or tantrums or anything and even Monroe (the 1.5yo) falling asleep easily with no issues. And then the three adults drank beer and watched Stranger Things (Matt & Amy canceled their Netflix so they hadn't seen season 3 at all and I was more than happy for a rewatch.) They're coming BACK over tonight for game night and hanging out to actually get to see Miche & Jon and acually hang out without focusing entirely on the kidlets.

Other than that, I've been having morning and evening with the family, and after I read the kids their bedtime books then Miche & Jon & I head down to the rumpus room and watch whatever we've got on Netflix. During the days, I've been splitting my time between gardening (I have everything moved or in except the 35 gladiolus bulbs which I'm saving to do with Jack but WILL do Monday whatever the weather if not this weekend with him) and reading Infinite Jest (still not super into it though) while cuddling with the cat, and drinking tea/coffee.

O, listened to Back To The Garden release. I like it and the place it's written from. I don't love it, but I like it. And maybe I'd love it if not for how messed up everything is between me and the band as a result of Britt & Jessie's ostracism on the official band account and the behaviors since that decision to block me back in Oct 2018 and the failure of ANYONE in the band to even acknowledge it or respond to it ANY time I have EVER brought it up.  More or less, I don't wish the band ill, but I can't love them or trust them as a result of her behavior and Jessie's continued influence within the diehards and the genuinely cruel nastiness in Britt's nature that comes out whenever she is around or spending time with Jessie.  I mean, there's nothing they can do o make me love them without acknowledging the wrongs that were done by them and seeking to heal th hurt it has caused and continues to cause any time any of the guys share anything from the official band instagram account to their own personal instagram account, especially in stories. That's just how it is.  I just can't trust them not to smack me and hurt me now.... (to give credit where it's due, Eric has done nothing to make things worse or repeat the hurtful bullying behavior of sharing to his story since my last post.)  and so I can't give them my love and trust no matter wht they say til their actions show the truth louder than the mistakes of the past. And they're not there. They're not even trying to get there to heal it.....

BUt I do like the song. I just can't love it. Because I can't let me trust or love anything from them because I expect everything they do to have a backhanded bullying slap to it at this point due to me being blocked on that account and the ways that has been handled and dealt with and the choices/actions surrounding it.