This morning,  I saw that Eric had once again (but for the first time in weeks) shared a story to his instagram account that I couldn't see (presumably a post from the official Delta Rae instagram account, from which I was blocked on Oct 27, 2018 without any messages or warnings from anyone associated with the account or the account itself after saying that as much as I loved Hands Dirty,  I was sad that I'd likely never get to see it live as the country music was causing me too much pain due to my color-timbre synesthesia mediated absolute pitch for me to attend any further of their shows so long as country music was any part of it - and every time I've brought up the fact this happened on the band account to the band,  anyone in the band,  or anyone representing the band,  by any medium of contact public or private I just get gaslit ignored with no response.  From anyone.  Ever.)

And at first it re-triggered all my hurt and anger at him for his part in the gaslighting of what happened and his active bullying on going live on the band account back in August. I felt all that hurt and anger again, and then as hot as it burned I snuffed it out and I said to myself,  "No.  Fuck this.  This is too petty and stupid to let it hurt me.  And if the band doesn't want me as a fan, as these actions and the continuing behaviors associated with these choices Britt and Jessie made in 2018 and nobody else has been willing to fix,  then fuck them and forget them. if this is who they choose to be and the sorts of behaviors and actions they'll stand for and be party to having done in their name, then they are not worth my time or emotional energy or giving them space in my heart."

and so then I decided,  as a direct result of these past choices that created the system of injustice via ostracism and the present actions that perpetuate that form of bullying, that I would have nothing to do with the AMA and that I wouldn't listen to the new single and that I'd not watch any of Eric's subsequent stories for the day.  I'm going to treat Britt precisely as her behaviors and actions ask of me - the band Delta Rae simply doesn't exist to me nor does anything new they create or do since late October of 2018.

And if that's a problem for you,  then fix what Britt and Jessie broke.  Otherwise, the only option I will give you is accepting being erased from my life as me accepting the boundaries asked of me by that act of ostracism and exclusion in October 2018. Nothing you've done since then or can do as Delta Rae or as a member of the band or promoting the band will exist to me without righting that past wrong done in the name of the band on the official band account and by someone in the band resetting the boundaries to something fair and truly inclusive. What I have observed since October 2018 means I do not expect this to happen,  however if it did it would cause the paradigm shift to start some form of healing. And nothing else will EVER achieve that. But without evidence of the proper actions happening to fix this, on my side  I will just be erasing anything related to Delta Rae from my world and clicking through or scrolling past anything related to a band that chooses to be represented by the injustice of ostracism as a response to honesty.

I am no longer allowing this to occupy any space in my head or my heart. I am going to just accept the reality of it.  Anything after October 27, 2018 related to Delta Rae will quite simply not exist to me at all - not in a positive way,  not in a negative way,  it simply does not exist at all.

By the actions done in the name of the band and by the ongoing choices of the band's members not to confront or deal with those actions.  It is on them to repair this bridge that Britt (and Jessie) burned in October 2018, otherwise the band Delta Rae simply does not exist to me after October 27, 2018 - same as their instagram account doesn't exist to me even if I try to follow it from tags in Eric's pictures on his personal account.

If you catch me behaving in any other way,  call me out on it. 

Heading to bed now.  Was gonna write about Socks in the Frying Pan and how sweet Fiachra is now he and I just decided we're family and to skip over small talk awkward and just treat each other like we've always known each other.  But I'm too tired.  And seeing them again on Sunday.  And then a LOT of Dave and the other lads of We Banjo 3 all next week!!  Actually,  I have 19 concerts in 30 days - and then like 5 days break before more concerts,  lol.  But this week,  the guys have 2 days off Mon & Tues then like 6 nights of concerts in a row (and I'll be at all of them, then seeing them again in St.  Louis the weekend of the 21st pr something like that.)