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Primary Problem: the country music decision
This is the root root cause. it's what really precipitated and created ALL of this mess.
1) The country music decision caused me physical pain. That's just simple fact of my synesthesia and how anything offkey or bending notes that traverse through offkey pitches causes me physical nerve pain. I've never listened to country music as 99% of country artists have vocals that cause me physical pain and always have my entire life. This isn't something that is EVER going to change with me (or with anyone with color-music synesthesia.) What goes on at a songwriting or instrumental level means nothing if the vocals cause me physical pain -- I can't hear any of the rest of it past the inescapable nerve pain it generates. Country vocalists WILL be physically painful to me, as will anyone who tries to emulate or graft on a country twang to their vocals EVEN IF their voice without the grafted on twang causes me no pain and it's a voice that I love without the grafted on pitchiness.
2) I have been nothing but honest about this pain it causes me from day 1.
3) Liz and Britt who then both handled social media responded to my pain by telling me that I needed to learn to be more tolerant or I'd miss out on good things. They never were capable of understanding that it's raw physical pain and there's nothing I could do about it. Instead, they were hurt, felt I didn't like them, and became defensive, hellbound on rationalizing a defense of the decision the band had made by signing to Valory/Big Machine. And so they engaged in bullying behaviors to try to make me follow where they insisted on leading. This was followed by a period of simply ignoring me saying, 'Sorry but this causes me physical pain and I can't support it or go along with it." They were hurt and they lashed out and they lacked compassion -- but it wasn't evil intent. Just egoblinded selfishness making them unable to see or acknowledge any pain but their own hurt over the rejection they were facing from me saying I couldn't and wouldn't go along with the "we're country now" decision due to that decision causing my physical pain.
4) This defensiveness led the girls to their solution for dealing with this problem on the social media and trying to hide it so nobody would see it: blocking me. This created the Secondary problem.
Now, before we move on to the secondary root of pain and hurt being mixed into the relationships between me and members of Delta Rae, let's talk about the current state of things.
Current state:
Most of the problems of the country music generating pain to my synesthesia HAVE been dealt with and this is no longer an ACTIVE source of poisons except when anyone in the band shares anything about country artists (including Taylor Swift, who I actively LOATHE and don't trust her version of ANY story ever since the whole her going on Ellen and claiming she was dumped in a 12 second phone call by Nick Jonas who refused to talk to her about it which is why she processed her feelings in songs and only YEARS later did she admit she'd intentionally tried to publicly hurt his reputation and that the ACTUAL truth was his version that, "yes we broke up over the phone, but we were on separate tours and wouldn't see each other in person for many months. And as for the 12 seconds? That's because she hung up on me and wouldn't answer my calls back to talk about it." So I don't trust ANY story she's trying to sell because she picks fights, intentionally tries to ruin careers out of spite, and spreads distorted unfair partial truths to make herself seem better than she is/was in the interactions. Most of her narratives are proven false by time and thus she is someone who can't be trusted to tell you undistorted truths. and that makes her dangerous, especially with her many blindly sycophantic "Tay Tay can do no wrong" cult-like followers in the Swifties. I have felt this way about her for years, if you'd bothered to ask my opinion of her. )
Anyway. Now they're no longer on the country label, no longer trying to be forced to be country radio sound or playing at country music festivals or with bad country vocalists as openers, most of these poisons have been dealt with and are matters of the past not the present and future of who/what they are. And to give credit where credit is due, Adam HAS shifted the pre/post show playlists (at least for shows I'm at) and the painful country music is no longer a factor. He's done good, EXTRAORDINARILY good, in the songs he's picked (subtext and all) and I genuinely have been really happy with all of his choices and the direction the pre-show music has been taken now they're no longer on the country label trying to pretend they are (or ever were) a "country band." (except for the show in Stevens Point when the initial start of one bad country song made me get up from where I was sitting curled into a tree I liked and I had to run away due to the music -- and then was switched to all Dave Matthews Band all the time which was fine. Makes me think of DMB loving hippie exes, but I don't dislike DMB. Certainly doesn't cause my synesthesia any pain.)
This poison from the pain the country music was generating is mostly diffused and removed and not actively causing pain or making things worse outside solitary incidences of promoting or discussing country artists. I only bring it up as it's what created the ones that have brought us to where we are NOW and is actively the cause that CREATED the problems of blocking that are now close to destroying everything. The decision to be involved with the country music scene IS what created all of the pain as a point of genesis -- but it is NOT actively contributing to the current pain and hurts and the danger of it is mostly acknowledged and neutralized now and moving forward healing is happening.
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Secondary Source of toxicity: Blocking.
The blocking is something initiated by and perpetuated by the girls in Delta Rae when the active mean girl style bullying instead of empathy didn't work nor did simply ignoring me hoping I'd stop speaking my truth or back down. I have never blocked them anywhere -- in fact the only people I've EVER blocked on any social media platform are bots and strange men sending me unsolicited dick pics/hitting on me/demanding nudes. (that last category is now exclusively only a nuisance on my facebook and is why my twitter profile pic is Hipster Belle and my insta profile pic is of my dog wearing a crown from an old BarkBox. Cartoons and dogs don't get unsolicited hitting on the way a picture of a girl does.) I philosophically disagree with the concept of blocking as self-care because it's bullying ostracism AND because I believe if you want ANY form of healing or moving on without repressing/burying things, then you need to actually communicate with the people the problems are happening with. You need to attempt communication or at least keep the line open to it. This is true in ALL cases, except for the healing for certain people of rape and abuse (physical, sexual, mental, and/or emotional) that requires removing the abuser entirely from their life so as not to be dominated by any fear or emotional responses to the abuser. but in EVERY case except for a very niche small number of rape/abuse cases that require professional discussion and removal of the abuser to begin any healing process, I maintain that true healing only happens in honesty and open dialogue and communication (even when that's difficult) rather than repression or burying or pretending it's not really a problem. Because this is the truth I have consistently found necessary for REAL healing, I am against social media blocking as a means of shutting down all attempts at communication -- except for blovking in the cases of bots, trolls, unsolicited dicks, and serious clinical abuse.
So the blocking as a means of dealing with my pain from the country music and their pain from the rejection accusing them of causing me pain is NOT a concept that originated from me or I ever had any part of creating or perpetuating other than to be the victim of being blocked.
1) The blocking actually originated with Liz. On Instagram. back in May 2018, she posted an image of her in the red jacket quoting the Billy Joel lyric "Everyone's talking about the new sound, funny but it's still rock and roll to me." I responded to it that unfortunately, for people with color-music synesthesia like me, country vocalists just simply cause me physical pain so it's nothing at all the same or even rock and roll once you add country twang into the mix. Being sick of dealing with me saying the same thing over and over, Liz blocked me from her personal instagram page.
So this idea/solution all STARTED with Liz -- though as it was on her personal page not the band page thus it only represented her. And as such I took it at its face value, accepted that she had no desire to have me in her life or any connection to me and as a consequence since May 2018 I can't give Liz anything but politely distant surface friendliness and nothing more since anything else from me is to deny her boundaries she imposed of what SHE chose for herself as her desired mode of interaction and relationship with me.
2) Following the release of Hands Dirty in October 2018 (but prior to the email sharing her personal story) Britt had posted the video on her personal instagram account. And I quite excitedly exclaimed about how much I loved the song and the message and the sound of it and how great the video was (all of which was in my public facebook post share of the video as well) and then said in my instagram response that my only sadness about the song was that I wouldn't ever get to see it live as I couldn't attend any further shows where the country music caused me pain since the country music before their set even started had brought me to a place where the pain outweighed the joy I could get from being there.
That's when Britt blocked me on her own personal account. That hurt worse than when Liz did it , because as Eric's sister, respecting her desire I not be in her life was requiring coming to terms with what that meant about being in Eric's life or having him in my life since she IS his sister and that relationship predates anything between him and me within this life. So it was complicated and I was having a hard time deciding what the proper way to respect her choice without punishing Eric....
I SHOULD say here, neither Liz nor Britt will ever get anything but distant cool polite friendliness from me as long as they have a boundary that THEY have put in place that demands I not be any part of their life. Them blocking me on personal accounts is personal matter of personal boundaries and a different thing from the band account blocking me. But a result of it is I will forever and always respect the boundary between us that THEY introduced as long as it's there and they will never be able to reach me past that cool polite facade to feel any warmth of friendship or love from me. Not as long as they have a boundary that asks me to respect that they don't want me to even know anything about their lives or having any part of it. Even if a decision is made to address and fix what went wrong between me and the band, the girls will never get the warmth of my friendship or love so long as they have me blocked on their personal accounts -- there is nothing else they can do to break that wall in my eyes. That wall of coolly distant politeness is me respecting the boundaries they created and refusing to transgress past that in any fashion.
3) In response to a video shared on the BAND account of Delta Rae for Hands Dirty, I said the same thing about loving the song/single but the country music keeping me from attending future Delta Rae shows so I'd never hear the song live, especially now that Brittany had blocked me on her account for saying that truth about the country music and now that day I couldn't even listen to Morning Comes or All Good People on that day I needed it most trying to grapple with my emotions about the Tree of Life Synagogue shooting the night before. (I AM at fault adding that last bit publicly about her blocking me so i couldn't even listen to the recorded songs I loved and needed that day -- that's dirty laundry that a bit of reflection not being an emotional wreck would have had me edit out. But I WAS an emotional wreck that day due to the shooting so I never even thought about whether I ought to say publicly about a private interaction -- and it was all mixed in as a part of my truth and my pain that day I said it.) I was blocked on the band official instagram within 15 minutes of my comment (which I'd have deleted later anyway realizing I'd said too much truths publicly) and it was 5mins before I had to leave to go to an inter-faith event at a Unitarian church designed by Frank Lloyd Wright here in Madison -- a place to be together in grieving and community solutions to fight racism and gun violence. Nobody deleted my post or reached out to me to ask me not to say anything except positives publicly. Not at any point. I was just blocked immediately and without any responses or telling me why or contacting me.
I was more angry than hurt that time because I was already in so much pain feeling so alone after the largest act of anti-semitism in the US and how that made me feel as a Jewish woman. So I said, "fuck it, fuck them all if that's who they choose to be officially as a band -- I'm going where there's community and healing and support and other people also in the eye of racist gun violence and we can be together to work on this issue. Who needs their fucking song to help with all this pain if they're hypocrites like this anyway!"
I did try cutting all ties and shutting out Eric from reaching me via the bond by unfollowing everywhere and blocking out the bond. And i was successful, despite how tiring it was to keep him from reaching me via the bond, til April when Eric broke through to reach me via the bond and I realized I was unfair to punish the boys for what the girls had done in the name of the band -- especially without him or any of them knowing why. So I decided to reopen contacts and give them a chance. So I refollowed his personal account and dmed him (privately) to tell him everything that had happened, to at least give him the truth. (and this will bring us to the third poison causing toxicity in these relationships.)
Current State:
I remain blocked on the band account, officially. The girls personal pages don't bother me, that's about them individually and I don't need to be more than politely distant with them if that's what they desire. But the band one DOES eat at me, and it affects my ability to listen to their music or attend their shows moving forward EVEN WITH THEM GOING INDEPENDENT and returning to their own identity and making music I would love if I could listen to it without all this baggage from the choice made a year ago mixed in. But I won't be able to listen to it, not ever, as long as I'm blocked on the official band account.
And that will bring us to the problems of the third source of pain/toxicity, which is part of the being blocked and can't be addressed or dealt with except by choosing to face and deal with the second....
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Third source of toxicity/pain in these relationships: Complicity in being part of an unfair system created by ostracism. (Conscious or unconscious complicity)
Prior to me opening up to Eric that I had been blocked on the band account and how it had happened as far as my knowledge goes, this third source of pain/toxicity didn't exist. Because before me dming him, the ONLY people who knew I had been blocked on the band account were: 1) Me 2) Whoever blocked me and 3) Crissy because I had to talk to someone and help her understand why i just couldn't stand to do anything further or even consider coming late and sticking it out through the pain of the country music to see them at their November 2018 show in Madison, at The Majestic. And I suppose 4) Anyone that was told from whoever blocked me that I had been blocked -- that's a list of persons I don't know.... But to my knowledge, only three people knew. I didn't talk about it, publicly OR privately, with anyone else.
After I told Eric, however, he then KNEW about the system of ostracism that the band account had become. Before knowing that, he wasn't guilty of any wrong he knew himself to be doing. But after I told him, it made his every post on the band account OR sharing content from the band account an act of perpetuating inequality and ostracism. It made him guilty of being a part of the system once he knew of the system's existence.
When he decided to go live on the band's Instagram at the very end of the Kickstarter (which I had supported and been incredibly excited about right up until he did this) and he posted about it on every OTHER social media platform for people to come to the band's instagram account to join in -- he became complicit in being a part of the system of ostracism. Being a part of the system of ACTIVE "everyone come join us except for you." Before, his complicity was akin to living in a slaveholding society and reaping the benefits of cheaper food/clothing but AFTER he knew of the system of ostracism AND chose to deliberately engage in an act of bullying via ostracism he became akin to an actual slaveholder. He didn't create the system of inequality, but he chose to be party to it and complicit in acting on it.
At the time of the posts on facebook and twitter that ERIC was going live on the band's instagram account to celebrate with fans (in the end it was Eric with Brittany and Jessie all three of them together) I PUBLICLY responded and reminded him/them that I had been blocked for saying the country music caused me pain and so to hold this on the Instagram platform where fans had been blocked for stating their dislike of country music was unfair and a form of ostracism. I also dmed him reminding him of this.
He KNOWINGLY AND CONSCIOUSLY chose to go forward with the planned livestream on the band's Instagram.
And that made him complicit along with his sister of behaving in this system of inequality as an active member in full participation of the ostracism and bullying -- akin to buying a slave becoming a slaveholder himself in my earlier analogy of layers of guilt in participating in systems of inequality.
He was further complicit by choosing NEVER TO RESPOND or even acknowledge me publicly or privately on this issue. Nobody from the band has ever responded to my comments about this, not on Twitter nor on Facebook (though they DID respond to other people's comments on the same posts.) This is what made me stop commenting or liking ANYTHING to do with the band whatsoever -- except for the video with Ian and Leo. because they're both innocent of anything to do with this issue and these principles and it was adorbs. So instead of acknowledging or responding, they let me be attacked and victim blamed by OTHER fans/diehards telling me that I must have been rude not honest and he/they decided to double down on it go live on the band instagram account a SECOND TIME with Britt and Jessie and everyone else teleconferencing in at the end of the kickstarter and posting on all other forms of social media that Eric was going live on the band's instagram account.
This choice to have Eric INTENTIONALLY AND KNOWINGLY participate in a system of ostracism and bullying and for him to KNOWINGLY be the face representing this unfairness and cruelty and for him to make conscious choices to cause me pain has actually poisoned for me EVERYTHING related to the kickstarter and everything that will come out of the kickstarter.... Because now every time it's ever mentioned or I even hear the word or see it as the subject line of the email updates, I think of the fact they went live on the band instagram account for that countdown and publicly proclaimed it as "Eric is going live on the band instagram" for a SECOND TIME after being told "this is an unfair thing to do for the fans that were blocked for telling you they didn't like the country music and found it painful." Nobody can mention that Kickstarter now without causing me pain and putting poisons in me that derive SOLELY from this event and the circumstances of it.... Nobody can bring it up without causing me this pain. And that's a thing of the past that CAN'T be fixed. You can refrain from doing more damage or doing the same wrongs -- but you can't stop me from hurting over the damage you already did or me being forced to remember it happening every time the word kickstarter comes up if that wrong you did and were a part of..... You poisoned EVERYTHING about the Kickstarter for me by these acts and by making yourself complicit in a system of inequality and bullying ostracism and doing nothing to even acknowledge or right it once you knew and it was brought to your attention. The Kickstarter can never be made a thing of good and light now with me, it will always be a source of darkness and pain and poison. And all because of the decision to go live on the band instagram account while having me blocked on it and not even acknowledging the inequity of this and why it's wrong and a source of bullying via ostracism.
His third use of instagram live was him at the piano, just him with nobody else also complicit in it, the sort of live he used to do on his own personal account but done on the band account where anyone blocked on the band account (including me) couldn't see it.
This was a final straw of hurt and betrayal and of him, and him alone, KNOWINGLY doing cruel things to hurt me. This is something broken that only he can fix and that's going to take time and effort. I can't help loving him and not wanting him to hurt -- I always will love him incandescently and completely and unable to help myself. But it's going to take a lot for me to trust him or believe he wouldn't intentionally do things he knows cause me pain or are doing wrong by me. It's going to take a lot of time and effort for me to NOT have the wariness waiting for him betray me and intentionally do something cruel to me, I may smile and light up with my love for him and find joy in seeing his joy in having that back -- but even in Chicago there was still a part of me inside wary like a dog who's been beaten/kicked that he might lash out and decide to hurt me again..... That's in there now in this life due to HIS actions and HIS choices to knowingly be a part of this system of ostracism by going live on the band's instagram account while allowing me to continue to be blocked on that account. This is a darkness and poison mixed in through all the love and light and it can't be unmixed now. This is something he did and it can't be forgotten -- it can be forgiven, but not forgotten and it will take consistency and effort to show me that he's not going to be guilty of anything like that or of knowingly choosing to hurt me in the future. It's broken trust and that is a fucking long hard thing to fix..... Not impossible, but a damn lot of work on the part of the person who broke the trust.
And it was him doing that and the conclusions I drew from it that made me say, "There is nothing here I am holding onto. I can't listen to the old songs without feeling hurt and grief. I have no desire to listen to the new songs because they'll just make me feel hurt and grief for the same reasons. And there's nothing there that can be created that would be good between Eric and me without him putting in the effort to regain my trust that I just don't see any reason to expect he would. So what good is this attachment now bringing me?" And I found nothing good in what any connection to Delta rae and Eric were giving me following him going live on the band's instagram end of August and early September -- everything involving him was converted to pain and poisons for me by him doing that. Even just seeing him or looking at him hurt -- that's why I couldn't bring myself to even look at him in Ann Arbor. It just hurt inside me in a way that I felt like I couldn't breathe if I looked at him that he had behaved that way and been party to it knowingly and of his own free will. I had the tickets I bought in July when I knew if I didn't buy them while the kickstarter was all excitement and good things, I wouldn't go to the November shows and that I needed to for larger karmic reasons of fairness and personal choices and responsibility taking and for ANY chances of a future healing things this life.
Current situation:
This is why I decided that after these shows I was going to end me being a fan of Delta Rae because it had been over a year of the system of ostracism being unaddressed and even publicly calling out the truth had done nothing to alter this.
And it's why I decided that I NEED to put the inner karmic and empath bond between Eric and me to sleep in order to do this in a way that is fair to everyone. So we don't emotionally bleed into each other and not know where our own inner borders of selfhood are -- because I can't have anything good with him if the sort of man he chose to be in late August and early September is who he will choose to continue to be AND I can't build anything good or fair with another man so long as I have this deep bond inside me tugging at me and pulling me ever toward Eric like a magnet. Which means that for me to be happy and fair in giving my love whole-heartedly with anyone other than me being with Eric, I need to put the bond to Eric asleep. I had chosen the full moon on All Hallows for putting the bond to sleep as a time of deep potent magic and with the veil so thin a time easier for me or me with assistance from the fairfolk or the Goddess to accomplish it. I now realize it would have been unfair for me to put the bond to sleep before him having a a chance to try to make right with me what he did wrong by me with going live for the end of the Kickstarter on the account I was blocked on.... but even after how much incandescent joy and how powerful it all was in Chicago and for most of the Minneapolis show feeling like how it was before all this mess of the last three years, the real issues haven't been faced and nothing done to work on healing them. So without those changes, I still intend to put the bond with Eric to sleep and sever ties with the band and all of its members if none of this is fixed and I see no progress or reason to start rebuilding faith in Eric's goodness and affection for me being enough to at least not want to intentionally hurt me. My current plan is to do this during the waning moon of the solstice at the new moon just after the Winter Solstice. the 26th of Dec I believe. It is past the time of me seeing them this last weekend to give opportunities and open acknowledgement of how it was versus how it is versus how it could be if this were healed. And I will have given him 4 months to try to make a start on making right where he fucked up with me and all the pain it introduced into what had before only been joy and light....
This third situation can be worked on the trust issues and such without dealing with the second -- but only if he ceases to do things that are a reminder and poison of the second continuing to be an issue. And, on a purely practical note, I don't see how he can do that without 1) solving the second one 2) choosing not to share anything on his personal from the band or to be any part of anything shared on the band account or 3) find some other way I can't think of to make it so the issues with the band being a source of poisons due to someone deciding to block me on that account can be kept separate from anything between him and me. And those last 2 seem impossible to do as far as I can see. So realistically, I don't know how much traction he can get on trying to repair things and earn my trust in him and faith he won't knowingly do things that are cruel to me WITHOUT solving the issues created by me having been blocked on the official band account in teh first place....
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The first is only an issue if they bring that country music thing back -- it's not currently a problem at all except for having created the ACTIVE problems.
It's really the second combined with the third is the final straw for me and why I reached the decision after the August/September Eric going live on the band instagram account that all I can do is to leave because I can't heal this on my own return it to something bright instead of something toxic, I lack the capacities to do so. And so I just need to walk away as the healthiest thing for everyone involved..... Now that the shows I bought tickets to in July are done, I need to bring myslef to the point of accepting I cut all ties I have opened to Delta Rae AND from allowing or even hoping for anything with Eric -- including putting that inner bond to sleep so we cannot reach each other or hear each other's feelings or make sure the other can feel the comfort of our love for them that way. Not block them, just cease to follow them to give them an easy way in to reach me. And after what happened at the end of the Minneapolis show and what that showed me about how toxic it all now is and how fragile the healing is with THIS amount of poisons in it before adding any more AND how much pain there is that can't be healed by me alone because i can't do what needs to be done to start the healing of it, I stand by that assessment that I do have to leave this situation since it can only cause pain and never anything else without healing these toxicities. And I don't want to be a source of pain -- not to Eric, not to any of them. And it's not FAIR for me to suffer or for my suffering to cause them distress and harm.
I also will have to unfollow even the boys personal accounts, who again have done NOTHING WRONG other than not correcting a wrong once they knew about it, for my own sanity and self-care to stop the pain this state of affairs and the unfairness and unethical bullying of it. Even tonight, they caused me further hurt when Eric, Mike, and Grant ALL shared the post that is available on facebook stories since they linked the two accounts (where I can see it and know it's in the font Eric uses and is a video from Chicago that says thank you for the weekend) because now EVERY time I go to my instagram, I see the color circle of an unwatched story and when I click it there's nothing new there so I KNOW that there's an unwatched story that simply doesn't exist to me because it includes the account that has me blocked. And I will not be able to watch that unwatched story (or any like it of videos/posts on the band insta account -- you can confirm this yourself that I have not ever watched ANYTHING shared from content on the official Delta Rae band account on Instagram when you share it if you go in to see who has watched your stories) for as long as I am blocked on the initial account whose content you're trying to share. And that's true for ANYONE blocked by another account.... I can watch OTHER things you share from other people (even if the band is tagged in it) to the personal accounts -- but I can't watch any stories that share content from any account who has me blocked. (Which for those keeping score would be you sharing any content from Liz, Brittany, or the official band account -- all three having blocked me for me having been honest that the country music was causing me enough physical pain to stop me attending Delta Rae concerts in the future or listening to their music if they continued to take it in a country radio direction.)
It looks like this, red circle of unwatched stories, but click on it and there's only the 4 stories already watched:
And that is a problem of constantly reminding me of the block and the ostracism even though I KNOW that they can't possibly mean to be cruelly rubbing salt in the wound. But they are and it causes me ACTIVE poisoning toward the band and pain over all of this that they shared it and I can't see it but I can still KNOW that they shared the post I cant see from the band. That hurts and puts poisons into me even now tonight. Tonight and EVERY time I check my instagram for the 24 hours that story I can't watch is in their stories. I can't help the way it hurts and the poison jabs into me from it. Even if their intention is that in sharing it, then they can make sure EVERYONE sees it, that good intention creates poisons because of the blocking on the account that happened last year.
And anyway, setting the pain it causes me aside, it's not RIGHT or FAIR to expect them not to share the content from their band's account. It's their band -- it's their life and their career and their creative outlets and their baby. They SHOULD be sharing things about and from the band account, they should be able to be proud of their work and to share that pride of it. I think they should be doing that -- just because I can't see it so I feel pain poisoning me coming from the boys sharing the band's content doesn't mean I can't simultaneously acknowledge that the boys OUGHT TO be sharing that content to their personal accounts and to be proud of what the band does.
Which is why for me to remove the poisons from causing me further damage using only what I am able to do by myself, sometime I'm going to have to unfollow all of the guys, everywhere, not just unfollow the band accounts on Twitter and Facebook (where I am not blocked and still follow the pages.) If you only remove part of what's causing the blood poisoning, it'll still do damage to you eventually kill you while the blood poisoning infection spreads. You have to get all the infection, all the sources of breeding new poison, removed when you perform that amputation. And the fact I can see those circles and KNOW what that means but am still blocked on the band page means that me following any of the guys is toxic to me as well at this point due to me being blocked on the official band account. (I repeat, the guys are ACTIVELY DOING NOTHING WRONG other than letting a wrong done last year continue to create a system of ostracism they are complicit in by sharing content that is blocked to anyone blocked on that account)
That's how, as clearly and honestly as I can explain it, we have got to the point we are at. And why I concluded based on all the information I have that the healthiest thing for me AND Eric AND everyone in the band at this point is that since I can't heal the problem without communication and someone dealing with the second (and thus third) source poisoning this, all i can do is admit defeat and cut ties and leave and have nothing further to do with the band or any member of it.
Which is where I was at BEFORE these recent shows, and where I am once more after the way the Minneapolis show ended and how that showed me how deep and raw and unhealed the pain and grief in me still is. It's too much to move forward as if nothing is wrong, and it can't be buried and ignored as that will just make the pain fester worse. it either needs to be dealt with openly and honestly and the sources of poison removed -- or I need to do the only thing I can to stop it from breeding even more poisons and that is to remove any/all opportunities for experiencing old hurts or new hurts from these poisons. And I do that by me leaving and walking away and severing points of contact. Not blocking, they could reach out to me and dm me at any time, but simply removing the open lines of communication I created and maintain in choosing to follow their accounts.
Without working on healing all the pain and poison here making this toxic when it never needed to be and where everything should have been so easy, me leaving is the only thing i can do to mitigate making things worse than they already are..... Because we're at a point that even the band members sharing content from the band account is causing me pain. Not because I can see those stories, but because I can see the circles of the unwatched stories around their profile pictures but then the stories don't exist for me because the source content is something I'm blocked from seeing and thus doesn't exist to me. And that's not fair to anyone.... especially right now when they should be excited and proud about everything they're doing as a band now they once more have creative control of their own art... To make them feel anything but confidence and pride in what they're doing is complete shit right now -- but because of mistakes made in the past never addressed or fixed, I just can't give them the love and support and excitement they deserve and that I WANT to give them for the new chapter and the new music in the pipeline -- all of which they'd absolutely have in a strength absolutely intoxicatingly overwhelming giddiness over it without any of this poisonous toxicity from me being blocked and the consequences of that choice and actions defending that original decision to block me for being honest about pain their older choices had caused me.
It's why me leaving and no longer seeing any of what they do in the future IS the kindest thing I can come up with that i can do right now with the cards that I personally hold. Because I can't do any of the actual healing that is required to make this good and bright and easy as it should be once again. And I can't do any of the healing that's needed because I can't unblock my account or force people to communicate with me if they don't choose to.
If you have a better answer, I'm willing to listen and I want to help -- I WANT a better answer than this. I don't WANT to let go or leave. It's just the best solution of what I can do on my own to stop teh pain/grief from getting worse with what has happened and where things are now.
~*~*~*~*~*~
That's it. that's as full and complete and logically laid out as I can accomplish of how we got to where we are, my assessment of where we are, and my plan moving forward given what I have to work with and what I expect based on a year's worth of data from Delta Rae generally and Eric specifically. And extrapolating from that data my expectation of what I feel I HAVE to do if nobody decides to work with me on healing this and do the things that I can't do to start repairing what got broken and teaching me that I can start to trust in the goodness again and not the falling away from that which has created all these poisons that have made everything so toxic and continue to make it ever more toxic for as long as they're not removed. So we all stop making things worse, accidentally worse as well as intentionally worse, and we only have the accumulated hurts to heal up...... 'Only."
it's not impossible to heal things and make them good. I just need to be honest with myself that I can't do it on my own. And I lack the power in this relationship, as the victim of me being blocked rather than the account that did the blocking, to do what needs to be done to even begin a process of healing and moving forward in any meaningful or healthy way. My only agency without help on this is that I cut ties and leave. And my assessment is that me leaving and putting to sleep the inner bond with Eric is the only way to stop the poisons from spreading and getting worse if nobody will help me remove them at the source so we at least don't keep poisoning the present and future from the mistakes of the past.....
[Post Title: Lyrics to the Passenger song Let Her Go. I've always love this song. Though ever since the precogs when I saw all this coming, it's made me sad. And the thing with precogs is, just because I get started on coping with the pain ahead of time doesn't lessen the pain I feel. I just started feeling all the rawness and coming to terms with all of this and how much it hurts and how much every option I have just hurts here nearly four years ago now.... But i don't see anything I could have done differently once they made the choice "we're a country band now" and signed contracts forcing them to do things that could only ever cause me pain due to my synesthesia. Except to have lied, I could have lied to them. And that would have made me guilty of a great betrayal and sowing poisons into the relationship by putting the lies and betrayals into it....]
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