Well it's not that I don't WANT to be reminded of the reasons I love him and I'm drawn to him nor that those reasons are suddenly any different than they were before.  It's not even true that the bond's completely quiet any longer, when he focuses on it and focuses on reaching me he's strong enough that he can -- especially if he catches me while I'm sleeping. He learned how back when I'd suppressed the bond with my own energy and was exhausting myself trying (before Shauna stayed with me needed all my energy and focus just to hold her together with 24/7 care to heal her up enough to give her a plan rather than falling apart in self-destructive choicds - and when I stopped trying to block it,  Eric realized the bond was his as well as mine and he had the power to reach me if he just kept trying. )

Ain't nothing I want more than Eric, and that's the damn truth of it. *shrugs* Always been that. Always will be that way.  But wanting isn't the same as having, and wishing for something doesn't make it true....

And this isn't something I can just let go of. It's because this is a matter of principles, of ethics, that I find myself immovable to letting it go this time.

Intentional cruelty is the greatest wrong a person can do -- to intentionally do something to cause hurt to another living being. It doesn't matter how you rationalize it or how anyone else rationalizes it, it's ALWAYS wrong.  Accidental cruelty happens and is easily mended with me provided you seek to make right the hurt and wrong you did once you realize. But intentional cruelty? to do something knowing when you do it that it will hurt somebody and to do it anyway? That's always going to be wrong....And there will be no making things right by me til you acknowledge it and try to make it right and make the conscious choice not to do it again.

I also can't abide any lies -- to me lies are the greatest cruelty of all. Stories are fine when everyone knows they're a fiction, but a lie where you intend someone to believe it rather than giving them the truth is a great cruelty. Always. Every time.  They're all a form of gaslighting, they all destroy trust between the parties and they're all designed to undercut somebody's touch with reality.... And even if it's a lie "intended as a kindness" or a "white lie" it still ALWAYS hurts when you learn the truth -- and it hurts even worse for the sting of the lie on top of how the hard truth hurts.... You will get lies from me where I don't give you the whole truth or I give you a truth you misinterpret or I tell you something I believe true but isn't -- but you'll never get an outright lie from me. It's one of my more fée characteristics.....

And then, on top of the being cruel after knowing an act to be cruel issue of this.... His choices and his actions. they've made it clear to me that MY hurting in particular is meaningless to him. Him intentionally hurting ME means nothing. Beyond just the basic principle, it's what that says about his callousness towards my emotional well-being.  I can't invest any more of my love and energy and time into somebody who doesn't actually care about me.... And that's what he taught me with his choices over the last month.

That's what all needs repairing.

Nothing is truly irreparable, but this would require a lot of intentional setting things right from him. Not trying to hide it, pretend it didn't happen and it's not a problem. But direct intentional fixing of what's been broken.... And I don't see him doing that. What he wants is a reset as if none of the mess of his sister's making and her continuously getting defensive over her mistakes instead of cleaning it up and then him doubling down on it for her sake ever happened.  But it did happen.  And this is an issue of ethics. It can't just be swept under the rug and reset as if it never happened. Especially without ever doing a damn thing to try to at least right the wrong done.

If I were to give it a reset without the wrong being set right, I'd be condoning the wrong. I'd be as guilty of saying it was acceptable as any of them. And I'm not a moral relativist, never have been. Intentional cruelty in all its forms (including ostracism and bullying) is wrong because you are willfully hurting another -- it denies empathy, denies compassion, denies the sovereignty of another living being, denies the light in each of us is all the same so you can't hurt any part of the creation without causing greater damage to your own soul.....

And I don't have it in me to condone intentional cruelty. Not from anyone. It's not in my nature. Not even for the love I have for him and my own desires for Eric. Love isn't blind to faults or mistakes -- everyone has the first and everyone is guilty of the second. Love can help you to grow and try to be better than you have been. But first you have to be mature enough and compassionate enough to actually acknowledge and make right after you've done a wrong, not just try to pretend it never happened -- that only multiplies the wrongs you do.

Any mistake and any fight can be fixed -- but only if both parties feel bad about what they did amiss and genuinely desire to fix what went wrong. Fixing things doesn't happen by wishing it was never broken or by pretending it's not breaking. Fixing people and their relationships is the same way. You have to start by the admission you broke it and want to fix it -- and that can't happen if anyone involved refuses to admit they did wrong, refuses to admit what they've broken.

I don't like feeling his worry and sorrow -- it echoes in minor keys all ajangle inside my inner quiet whenever it's eating at him. But I can't fix what was broken all by myself. All I can do is be honest about how it broke and why and who is involved. But I can't take a step toward fixing any of it all by myself -- and far as anyone else has shown there's no desire to even look at or admit that any wrong was ever done. And you'll never fix anything you broke by refusing to even acknowledge you broke it. You just won't.... It's never worked that way in all of history and it never will. And that's just how it is.