mood

This poem struck a chord with me when I read it.

But you don't build a love like that on lies and trying to hide the truths you don't want known. (that's shame, not guilt. Guilt is a genuine inner remorse over a wrong you've done whereas shame is the desire that others not know you did wrong.)

And you don't get to keep a woman of this type by following the lead of another person, doing things you know to be wrong.

And she's not the sort to rationalize away intentional cruelty, not the sort to condone it, not the sort to go along with it, not the sort to let it slide without calling it out.


And if you're the sort of man with a sense of ethics so weak that you genuinely don't see the ethical principle here OR you'll follow someone else's lead even though it's to rationalize acts of cruelty and ostracism -- well then you're not the sort of man who could ever give such a woman the love of her lifetime.  And you'll not be able to provide any such thing for her until you learn or remember what's right and what's wrong and set your course by what's right.... So long as you're a tool of peer pressure and empty sycophancy rather than a follower of what is objectively good and true, you'll never be enough of a man to give that kind of woman the sort of love she deserves.


Is what is....  It shouldn't have played this way,  but it did. It's where we're at right now.  And if that's how he is, the sort of weak-willed man he chooses to let himself be, then I'm better off knowing it now. And I'm better off continuing to work to keep the truth of his choices at the front of my mind no matter what he says or does to try to remind me the reasons that I love him and that they still exist.  I can't let myself lose sight of who he has chosen to be, by listening to the rationalizing of others but also by his own choices and actions, and what that speaks of his character just because he tempts me with the reasons he should appeal to me. Thirst traps and reminders of what he's spent so long seeking and the good in him and all the reasons that I still love him and all.

It's my fault. He wasn't ready. And I got impatient. And I asked for this reward life of mine that anyone seeking me be able to find me. Knowing he'd be seeking me, knowing he has been in every life, whether he found me or not.  But he wasn't ready, hadn't fully learned his lessons... he wasn't ready to be tested or rewarded.  It's my fault it's all fallen apart so, it was the reward I asked was given even though he wasn't yet ready to reap the benefits of it -- you can't blame someone for failing at a lesson they've not yet properly learned. You can want all you want that they had known better and hadn't failed, but you can't blame them.  Still though, you can't entrust them with anything more til they do learn it....