*giggles* 

One of my many astrology witchy groups I follow on facebook shared this image along with the caption from Alex Myles below it: 

"When the Moon meets Neptune, it's important to pay close attention to the subtle messages hidden in your dreams. Your intuition is especially powerful right now, offering clues and guidance. Trust these inner whispers and the dreams that unfold in your sleep, as they could be showing you glimpses of what's possible or leading you towards making your dreams a reality.

Remember, patience is key. Dreams don't always come true overnight. Nurture your dreams with positive thoughts and actions, give them time to take root, and watch as they gradually manifest into reality. This is a period to trust the journey, believe in the power of your intuition, and keep faith in the timing of the Universe. 🌙 "

It made me laugh because subtle is NOT an adjective I would use to describe my recent dreams. 😂 I mean, I HAVE been having strong spirit dreams whenever I sleep, but they've all been very obvious in meaning because they've all been cozy hope filled optimistic moving forward dreams on the one very specific theme. But then, I can't think of anything I selfishly want for me that I want more than that dream to be our shared reality, but only with the proper time and energy for solid roots foundation and genuine growth together. It's just funny timing when that's all I'm dreaming about to be told to pay attention to my dreams right now because the Universe has my back making them real and use them to build positive choices for the future paths. 

And I double checked to make sure it wasn't an old post, moon and Neptune ARE conjunct at the end of Pisces. And Neptune, being the ruler of Pisces and the planet of dreams and illusions, and the moon being about our emotional responses and inner child needs that makes sense. And the general "rule" in astrology is if you have major placements in a sign (especially sun, moon, rising/ascendant) OR many planets in a sign (like my three planet stellium in Scorpio that includes my Venus and my three planet stellium in Sagittarius including my Mars) then anything happening to or aspecting those signs you will have heightened sensitivity or tendencies. (And yes my passions/romances are deep Scorpionic death and rebirth all or nothing feel like you could drown in them and my temper and intellectual drive and physical energetic expression are the philosophical quick moving far seeing archer, lol. So those hold true for me, and I'm glad they're not reversed because I feel like Scorpio Mars and Sag Venus would be a weirdly difficult placement to deal with -- never emotionally constant and easily distracted rationalizing affairs when physically attracted to someone hot but deeply possessive when angered or going to lose the person.... Ick no thank you to dealing with that mix!) Anyway, I checked and not only am I Pisces rising, but the happy good cozy dreams with the polar bear (as he is this life, not his spirit animal form) started when the moon moved into Pisces started approaching Neptune. And they were even more vivid and snuggly cozy last night/this morning than the night before!! 

(I ended up opting against the fire because I didn't want to sit with the flue open to -12F drafts waiting for the embers to die down and if I put water in the fireplace/grate, it would make getting a fire started today harder.... Also, I had invited Mikaela over on the stupid cold wind chills and her last day before college courses (MATC) starts up again and while I hadn't heard from her or her mom last night, I had a niggling suspicion they were going to show up to drop her off. Which they did and my phone was still on silent from Beetlejuice so didn't hear the texts when they were leaving to come here but did hear the buzzing of her calling and jolt awake in fear it was her out in the cold.... so I sat bolt upright in bed, looked at my phone and called her right back. Luckily my neighbor from downstairs was taking out the the trash and let Mikaela inside to call me instead of buzzing up. But I definitely let the dog out from her kennel snoozles at the foot of the bed and then ran in my PJs to unlock the door to my condo without even grabbing my glasses to let Mikaela in. She's my bonus little sister cousin unrelated to me, so I don't care how groggy just leapt out of bed PJ bed head myopic without my glasses/contacts she sees me.  Also she brought chocolate donuts from Kwik trip for us and her creamer/almond milk blend (lactose intolerant and doesn't like her coffee black) to have coffee with me. And if you're going to show up unnoticed (though in this case not entirely unexpected) showing up with coffee and/or food/sweets is definitely the way to show up on a witch's doorstep, lol. So I went back for my glasses while she tried to greet the animals and get her winter layers off then I immediately went to put the kettle on grind coffee beans for the French press and we had coffee and donuts. Then laid the fire with all birch wood to start before opening the flues to the cold and took the dog out as late as possible (to allow temps to warm slightly) but as soon as she asked. And it has been cozy hygge coffee by the fireside chatting and letting the dog and cat and occasional reading and sketching all morning. Her mom is going to stop by on her way after an errand bring us some steaks and veggies for me to cook up because that's what Mikaela wants and Sarah figured bringing them for me to cook was cheaper/easier than Longhorn pickup. She should be here shortly. Anyway, my point with the digression was, it's a good thing I didn't have a fire and I chose sleep for practical everyday reasons for today. BUT, I also made that choice because, well, you can't share dream space if your sleep schedules are completely out of sync. Like, if I'm awake across the wee hours and dawn don't sleep until after he would get up, then trying to meet in dream space makes as much sense as inviting a friend to your favorite cafe for lunch on an hour when you're in Paris and they're in San Francisco. 😂 Dream space can really only be SHARED dream space when you're asleep in REM sleep at the same time. 

~*~*~*~ 

Okay so where I was going from there, no idea anymore. 😆 Sarah stopped by on her lunch after her appointment was over brought us steaks, potatoes, broccoli, green beans for me to cook for us for lunch. Technically, I just prepped and boiled the mashed potatoes and Mikaela did the rest because mashed is her favorite potatoes. 

Anyway, after making lunch, eating lunch, cleaning up from lunch, starting the beans soaking for chili making tonight for dinner, making tea, taking the dog outside during the short portion of the day we hit a positive degree, reading for a bit, afternoon donuts, and fire tending/feeding throughout, well now here we are after sunset and Mikaela's mom just came to pick her up and I just put another log on the fire, lol.

So I don't remember where I was ADHD rambling toward earlier. But on the recent astrology things I've seen/read front, I have another thing on my mind also.

It's curious. Astro poets gets a lot of criticism from astrologers for giving their horoscopes as poetry and not saying how it's got anything to do with astrology proper. And yet there seems an intuitive sort of sense in the chaos of their poetry.... More sparks of channeled messages than trying to read the planets and signs and how they aspect each other.  They make no pretensions to pseudo science to explain where the veins of truth riddle through the nonsensical. And I think that's why they appeal to me. There's the madness of the Cumaen Sibyl in it and yet there are strands that resonate unexpected truths. I have no idea what their process is or what drugs influence it, but there's something of older traditions and channeled wisdom in it that intrigues me. And they're so weirdly right betimes.... 

Anyway, once again this week for Libra seems to be about love. Or more accurately, about being beloved and accepting that and nurturing it. 

"Week of 1/14 in Libra: In eternity there is love. There is forgiveness. Hold fast a water that is yellow and red. You will feel it all. That’s the blessing."

And last week: "Week of 1/7 in Libra: You are loved. You are surrounded by love and oranges. So many people know you. You will be known further. You will be loved forever."

Curious... I just noticed when I put them next to each other the color theory sameness between advice to hold fast a water that yellow and red to the previous week statement of being surrounded by love and oranges....

And Pisces seems once again about the difficulty of finding the right things to say and the right way to do it to gain the desired love/peace/soul's ease. And the insistence that you know how to say it, you just need to trust yourself more.... 

"Week of 1/14 in Pisces: So many numbers. When what you most want is to know the blissful entry. You can hold it up. You can write it down. Write it all down."

And last week: "Week of 1/7 in Pisces: You knew what to say. But also you didn’t. Hold the strength to be what can be said. You can send off the green. You can be there in green and sunshine."

And I just find it curious. None of these themes have been even remotely in other signs readings. And yet, somehow these two resonate truth and reassurance to me and a sort of outside wide angle view of the deeper higher self of what is trying to be birthed into this present moment from the spiritual and dream space manifesting the clear hearted vision into the 3d physical..... And they follow the arc of an unfolding and reassurance about that unfolding in a way I haven't see or noticed before. It's just curious is all. And weirdly reassuring and hope sustaining.

I know it's just chance serendipity "what are the odds?" but also it does feel very kismet alignment divine timing synchronicity with everything right now.

 Did I dream about the polar bear last night? Yes. Was he in polar bear form? No, he was himself just the way he is now in his current body. Spirit dreams are curious as sometimes people are their physical form, sometimes a spirit animal form, and sometimes they shift and flicker rapidly between both. Last night/this morning's spirit dream, he was himself as he is this life. Was it a good dream? Yes very much so! Very soothing and snuggly cozy and full of promises that from here things get easier and brighter, and him finger combing through the curls of my hair while we were talking sitting by the fire watching the sparks fly up into the stars in dream space. It's probably because I took to heart as a promise the line that after the third time, we die no more ever again. 

Also the Packers won today!!!! Moving forward to facing the 49ers next weekend!!!  Our D got tired and sloppy, which scares me because that's how all the early/mid season losses happened but I guess it made the point spread less of a hurt for the Cowboys. We are moving symphony tickets to Friday, so whichever day the game is, I don't have a conflict.

The new snow removal company that the new condo management association hired are absolute shite at clearing snow and I have a lot of words to say about that, especially with Darnell the blind man downstairs. But I'm in a happy mood and I feel like all I've done is talk about it since yesterday, I let Lucy (head of the condo association board) know the concerns and she is going to take them up with Broihahn try to get this fixed. There's a solution in sight even if the driveway into the underground garages currently looks like a ski jump into a garage door (not even a joke) and I had to have Crissy pick me up and drop me off yesterday for getting downtown for Beetlejuice (which was amazing!!!) and my da pickup/drop off today to go watch the game with my mum because I can't safely get my car out of the garage with how shitty the plowing was done......but I was planning/thinking I'd stay home with a fire anyway through the bitter cold until we get positive double digits fahrenheit on Weds. And by Weds, hopefully either the plow job will be fixed or other cars will have helped with the driveways or there will be at least salt/sand on it or cars will have crashed into each other or the garage doors forcing the problem to be solved. 

Either way, I'm extra happy dancing inside full of soul shimmers tonight believing a promise in a line of a song, and how delightfully they reimagined one of my favorite kids movies (not a kids movie, but my sister and her best friend and I watched it constantly as kids) into a stage musical, and a major Packers win today followed by prosecco and dvred figure skating followed by my maman's pot roast with my parents tonight (and my da picked up eggs and bread and milk for me while he was at Aldi getting their groceries.) And I'm much too sparkly inside to try to vent about the angering snow removal (or lack thereof) and the inequity of them taking so long with a blind man living here. I'll talk more another time about my anger at the lack of proper and timely snow removal with the company the condo board hired under the advice of the new condo management company...... But for now I'll just let my soul sparkles shimmer with happiness.

Now, I'm home and wide awake so I'm going to change into PJs take my contacts out then go make me some color changing hot cocoa with whole milk then  clean the ash out of the hearth then if I'm not sleepy I'll lay a new fire for the coldest part of the night and then make some cozy tea and pour a glencairn glass of Highland Park Spirit of the Bear scotch to enjoy while reading by the fire in the hearth! The changing to PJs and hot cocoa and cleaning the grate and tea and scotch while reading is all happening -- but whether I decide to have a fire before sleep or wait til I wake up tomorrow for a fire, on verra. If I don't lay a fire, I will absolutely definitely light some candles!

Also though. It was a really wonderful dream. And it made me soul deep full of joy and hope. More of that please. Thanks in advance! 😘

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful, Stop me and steal my breath. Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky, Never revealing their depth. And tell me that we belong together. And dress it up with the trappings of love. I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips, Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above. And I'll be your cryin' shoulder. I'll be love's suicide. And I'll be better when I'm older, I'll be the greatest fan of your life.

 *yawns* I did nae sleep much last night and the tiredness just hit me waves of exhaustion like woah. So since I've finished the tasks I wanted to get done tonight and I'm over my 40hrs of work for the week anyway, I'm heading home.

And once there, I am going to bed, straight to bed. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I'm looking forward to waking up in excitement to see how deep the snow has fallen while I rested!!! And then getting dressed to take Waffles outside (if she wants, though if she wants to stay inside and snuggle sleepies, I'll just stay in my pjs all day until whenever she decides to go outside.) And then the general plan (though maybe not the order) will be to make breakfast and coffee, haul firewood up from the trunk of my car, start a fire going in the fireplace, be all sorts of cozy with the fire and cuddly fur baby familiars and beautiful music and hot coffee/tea/cocoa and/or wine/whiskey/scotch to drink and finish the remaining third of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell and maybe my book on the neurobiology of corvids (crows/ravens/magpies/etc.) and between the forecasted depth of snow and the winds, this might be a real legit blizzard by the time it's all over on Saturday!!

O but before I forget (and I DID forget to share to facebook) -- the zoo looked like Narnia today!!! Especially when we visited the lions and Pelo was laying all majestic on the heated rock like this:

And then I exclaimed, "O look Mikaela! I just was saying how everything is all Narnia today with so much snow and just LOOK at our very own Aslan!!!"  Which made her laugh and Pelo perfect timing then opened his mouth in the BIGGEST yawn followed by a roar. 

And I started giggling so hard as I curtsied to him and said, "why thank you dear Aslan my friend!" and I swear to G-d the beastie WINKED at me which made me laugh even harder. 

Then Mikaela said, 'Only. I know I'm the younger of us, but of everyone I've ever known, you are DEFINITELY the most Lucy. And not just because you're the one introduced me to Narnia." (When she was five or so, I read a lot of books aloud to her while teaching her her letters and to read before she entered kindergarten, starting with Roald Dahl and after we had reread those many many times, I decided she was old enough to love The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe. She never finished the rest of the books, she's not a completionist like me, but that first one she has always adored and re-read many many many times.). And so I smiled at her and hugged her said, "Well then that must make you Susan the Beautiful. Only we'll make sure YOU are a Susan who will never forget her way back to the wonder. Because I insist."

O and sweet Kuza, the Amur tiger -- the first and last of the animals we visited today!

 

 

 Also, look at how adorable Bo and Berit are together!!!!! Just fucking looking at them!!!!

o I love them so much!!! Berit has been with us since they built the new arctic enclosure with polar bears on the one side and the two grizzly bear sisters on the other (the polar bears get the run of both enclosures while the grizz hibernate) and then Bo is just such a goofy happy puppy of a bear! Such darlings!

You don't want to know HOW many photos I have from today's visit to my polar bear friends.

No chance for babies although Bo is VERY amorous of his lady friend and today's snuggles/playing/fighting definitely had times he wanted to mount her before she roared at him then pinned him belly up made him submissive to her even though he's the bigger of the two bears -- but he ADORES her and he spends most of his time he isn't playing just following her around like a little puppy dog hoping and waiting for her to notice him or play with him or give him a sign of affection. (Even if Berit isn't too old for cubs, and she might be now, Vilas Zoo is AZA accredited zoo, so only babies are supposed to be sanctioned and by order of AZA; though oopses happen because birth control isn't foolproof. But unlikely with the polar bears.)

Anyway. now. I'm headed home and thence to bed. To sleep perchance to dream. Most likely dreams of lions, and tigers, and bears, o my!

P. S. Once I was home and brought the dog and my other things upstairs, I decided that future me would be grateful if I just hauled the 4 buckets of wood upstairs now so then I can stay cozy tomorrow except for the taking the dog out for snow frolics portions of the foot or so of snow expected across the day. So I did carry up all 4 buckets of wood, and I will burn through enough of it to bring the buckets back to my parents garage over the weekend and refill more wood to keep the fire burning through the bitterest bitter of the cold Sun through Weds morning. Also, I spent the entire time I was carrying the wood up both flights of stairs singing to myself the classic 90s love song I'll Be by Edwin McCain because it was the last song I heard on the radio driving home and I'm soooooo eat wormed by it stuck in my head right now!!! I will definitely be having dreams of snow and wild animal friends and someone serenading me the pre chorus and chorus at this rate. 😂. 

Now, pyjamas and getting ready for bed and chamomile tea to knock me out and waking up to see how shiny white and covered in more sparkle fluff my world is!!! I'm so happy to live this life in a world that still has snow and polar bears in it!!!!

[Post title: lyrics to the song I'll Be by Edwin McCain. You can either believe it's because it's stuck in my head OR you can believe it's because my over imaginative brain is imagining Borealis serenading Berit with that song. Reader's discretion on that one.]

 Happy 1/11 new moon!!! Light a candle and make for yourself all the best wishes/intentions to plant as seeds! Make something magical and unexpected and happy surprises with it!!!

Should I be sleeping? Yes. Am I sleeping? Well no, I don't write here in my sleep. 

Such a beautiful snowfall earlier tonight!!! It was the little snowfall (1-4") between the two big snowfalls of 6-10". I'm very excited to drop off Waffles at work so I can pick up Mikaela and we can head to Vilas zoo early in the day, soon after they open!!! I just love watching happy snow loving animals after fresh fluff!!! And then after we're done at the zoo, I'll be at work and I'll water all the plants that night before I head home. Then I'll have all my hours in for the week before the next big snowstorm arrives!

And I'm very much looking forward to some more cozy at home with the snow system that's moving in early Fri through Sat morning! I have some more firewood from my parents garage now which should get me through for a little while at least. Not as much as I'll be wanting/needing though, on the other side of the heavy snow, temperatures are plummeting. Sat night the plan is currently Cooper's for dinner (so my maman can finally try their budino) then Beetlejuice tour at Overture Hall. Then Sunday is the Packers playoff game and if not for that I might consider just staying home cozy all day. But I do want to watch the game and the doggos love watching it all together as pack celebrations and once I'm out and about I may as well get some hours in afterward. All day Monday is the coldest currently in the forecast, might not even get above 0F on Monday. So my plan for Mon & Tues (and whenever I get back home on Sun) is to keep the fire going in the hearth and at some point soak dried beans then make a big batch of spicy chili! (Mikaela is still off school on Mon so I told her she's welcome to get dropped off if she wants a hygge day with me and the animals and a fire in the hearth. I've always liked the word hearth more than fireplace, I think it's because whenever I read it or hear it, it's enough like heart it makes me think of it as the heart of the home as opposed to just any old place to put some fire.) Then after the worst of the cold improves, I will have to get my hours in before symphony over the following weekend (either Fri or Sun, currently it's Sun as per usual but Denis asked to move it to Fri which normally we do when anyone in the group needs to shift days, but Crissy may be going for work to southern Illinois and won't be back for Fri evening. Soooo, on verra. I should know by the end of this week what day I have symphony tickets for the week after, lol.)

Anyway. More or less my plan for the remainder of January is some combination of getting hours in at work, hygge at home with a lot of reading beside a crackling fire, football for as long as Packers stay in the playoffs, and musical performances. And today I'm going to Vilas to celebrate all this snow with the polar bears and Amur tiger and red panda and river otters (and anyone else loving it) and to indoor visit with the rest of the animals who aren't as excited about fresh snow as Bo and me, lol. 

Same plans for the start of February. Middle of Feb month I have Les Mis tickets and some Irish band concerts middle of the month and end of the month and also in the second half of February my parents are in Panama so I'll have both dogs and two homes as well as work to be dividing my time between. March starts off with concerts, Aoife Scott and The Coronas (curiously, Danny the singer of The Coronas is Aoife's cousin) and then my grandma has appointments March 18 & 20. (My sister desperately was trying the last couple days to convince me to take advantage of the cheap southwest sale that end today to visit them again because they have nothing in their calendar in March AND they all miss me already and if dates had aligned I could have visited Seattle for under $200 after taxes. But alas, between the Irish concerts and my grandma's appointments, I couldn't align with the cheap flight dates. Which sucked because if I could have made it work for even a week or so I would have but here we are.) 

So anyway, mostly cozy hygge vibes for me is my current plan from now until Spring, with some concerts and musicals in the mix because it's me and if we're honest about my budgeting skills, most of my money is spent on books and music, lol. Of course, I do have a Sagittarius Mars (and stellium) so I may throw all that cozy hygge plans for the rest of winter aside in the name of an unexpected "seems like a good idea" change in plans, lol.  I'm always up for happy surprises and adventures if unexpected things that appeal to me are thrown in my path. Doesn't take much to convince me to add extra bonus adventures into my life so long as budgets and timelines allow -- especially when the adventures involve music and/or art and/or books and/or theatre and/or people I adore. 

 O but also! I'm very very human, even with all my wyrd gifts and my memories of who we have been and contemplative bookishness and occasional wisdom. And I don't ALWAYS sit in that inner place of connecting to my highest self and my past self and transcendence. 

Nah, some days I'm a fucking mess just doing the best I can and I forget what I have known in my better moments and so I get to overthinking reactionary fear based doing the opposite of what I actually want because maybe that is what he wants after all, not because he said he wants it but because he never said he didn't want it and things are taking so long not seeming to get there and so I'm going to justify martyring my wants in the name of what he may perhaps want without actually knowing what he wants.... (And damn but it sounds so threadbare stupid when I reductio ad absurdum sum it up like that! 😆 Like, my weeks and months and years of creating heartache trying to make me believe that's the best course I can set with the hand I got just sounds so fucking stupid when I put it like that....)

I'm not perfect. And neither is he. And nobody is. And neither of us ever were, in any life. Everyone has their flaws as well as their strengths and you love all of it, the good as well as the frustrating, because it's the quixotic mix that makes them them.

 And sometimes I get really difficult to deal with, especially when I get something in my head like thinking I need to release him from me so he can pursue the happiness he seeks. Not all harm is caused by intention to cause pain, sometimes we do the greatest harm to ourselves and others by justifying weirdly rationalized shit as being the right thing to do..... 

What I wrote while contemplating the witching hour snow in that state of zen was as much for me in the times I fall away from my higher self as for anyone else. 

And my epiphany (on Epiphany, lol) of how maybe we could just simplify everything by acting on our desires from a place of love not our fears from a place of overthinking, wondering what would happen if both chose that at the same time was unexpectedly sudden and has been illuminating giving everything a magical glow and making even my hair extra ringlets bouncy curl beast mode. 

And anyway. My point adding this second post of the morning was: no pedestals. I'm no guru, no enlightened one. I'm just me. And I swear to G-d if you even try to put me on a pedestal, I will smash the bitch over so fast out of sheer cussedness knowing I don't belong there and don't want to be there. No pedestals for me. Not even when I put into words transcendent truths and deep knowing and love too big for words to contain the glow of it. No pedestals for me. Keep your view of me realistic and honest, love me as I am in totality, as someone doing their best they can as a human with flaws and scars and silliness and all.

Remember stripped to bare bones honest no pedestals so I can be loved shining my truest brightest me is the version of me I'm embodying this life. Don't make me lose my temper or say or do something really randomly stupid just to make you keep it real in your idea of who I am. 😘 Because I will. And nobody wants to clean up another mess of my making.

P. S. I will likely set that last post before this one to private draft later. I wanted to get it into words. But. I feel a bit not right about talking about his past soul path and his past lives where it can be read by n'importe qui.... That's his business and his to share and not for me to share, especially when he may not even remember any of that past history. And anyway, focus should be on being better and brighter NOW in this moment we have to shine in and making choices to get us to the futures we WANT most for ourselves. Past is past, it shaped us, it got us here, sometimes we have to dig into it to understand why we fuck up the way we do (especially if we have repeating patterns) but it doesn't define who we are now or who we can become. We choose that. In free will. Now and always. Past is prologue, not definition or fate. 

Ok, time to strip the bed down and then get going on that breakfast and coffee business before I blink and the entire morning somehow escapes me. 

 I am afraid that this life I am not very good at wanting the things of this world that social media dangles in front of us as mattering most: conspicuous consumption and wealth and popularity and power. You see, last life I had a surfeit of them because last reward life, I decided before I was born that the reward I wanted was to be so successful and so loved that the entire world would know my face and see my soul's light. And it was a selfish desperate sort of choice, because I didn't want it for myself because I'd had those things before enough times in past lives I didn't want them for their own sake. But you see, I had got it into my head that the REASON our lives hadn't crossed paths in so many centuries must be because either he a) couldn't find me or b) he didn't want to find me.  So I decided to take the first one out of the equation and see if he would find me when all the world knew me and then I could fonce more keep my promise that I'd always choose him in any life our paths crossed and he wanted me. You see, I didn't consider any other options than those two, that our paths weren't crossing because either he couldn't find me or he no longer wanted me.... I didn't consider that he hadn't found me because of his guilt and feeling he didn't deserve me after what he did six centuries ago.... I didn't even consider that til he told me when we met again last life, in that short time before my last death. But you see. 600 years it had been. I spent all those centuries assuming he didn't find me any more because he didn't want me until I got the idea maybe it was just that he couldn't find me -- so last life I decided not to play it small with my life but to instead ask to live a life where it would be impossible for him (or anyone) NOT to find me.

And last life for me was the reflected diamond shiny with nothing real and it was a lonely sad life of being worshipped on a pedestal but feeling like most people never saw ME and coming to understand that to be idolized isn't at all the same thing as being loved. And that it's rather worthless to dazzle people into falling in love with the glamour of your shining when it blinds them from seeing the realness of you... 

So this reward life, I didn't ask for fame or money or power or success in the eyes of society and the world. I don't want that. I had it all last life and it just left me feeling the empty spaces that most people cover by pursuing those things. 

This reward life, the only thing I could think of that the world had to offer me that I wanted from it was a life of reunion after so long and to get to have the glow of that illuminating my life again. Only, you see, I have very strong opinions on the sanctity of free will and so I couldn't just ASK for him or ASK for reunion with him because to ASK the Universe for that isn't to earn it, it's to be a spoiled child demanding what you want with no care for what the other person wants or needs. So instead of asking for him to be with me this life, I asked for the circumstances that I believed would best enable him to choose that if it's what he wanted and what his lessons had him ready for. 

This life, what I asked for was: 

1) any soul seeking me be able to find me

2) that I live a life surrounded by love with those I love who could see me and love me for me qua me, just exactly as I am

3) for as long as those two conditions can be met, I'd like to grow old in this body because I've had so many young deaths these recent centuries

That's what I chose for this reward life and how I got to concluding that was the way to choose to give us the best opportunity to have a life where we come back together. Because he told me last life it wasn't for lack of wanting me he hadn't found me, he spent all those centuries wanting me just the same as the lifetimes where he crossed oceans to undiscovered lands guided by nothing but the pull of the bond telling him how to find me. It was that he hadn't felt he deserved me, not after being so involved in the way I died six centuries ago now -- and all my young deaths had been in part to help him learn that I would die regardless what he did or didn't do, even if he kept away from me thinking he didn't deserve me. 

So you see, it's a long time pattern in each of us needs healing when I say that I struggle with the demon of thinking I'm not what he wants and he struggles with the demon of thinking he doesn't deserve me.... It's not an EASY set of assumptions and premises for either of us to just chuck out with a shrug like, "well that was a shite idea." But, also, I said it last life and I still believe it this life: I do think the best and quickest healing for the both of us is in consciously choosing each other and letting the love of the other person heal the old scars of lessons we repeated to ourselves but weren't meant to have to learn like that. 

And, I do think we both shine brightest our truest best versions of ourselves and touch the world with our greatest capacity for goodness during the times we choose to nurture and feed the love between us rather than fighting or denying or thinking we don't deserve the bond between our souls. So let's dig out the six centuries of wrong headed assumptions of fear and self doubt and choose to love each other and let the brightness of that love heal us into the truest versions of ourselves doing the most good for all we touch with our lives that we can be in this lifetime. 

But all that said, in THIS life and in THIS body, you should not assume I am another version of me I was last life. I don't want fame for a role I put on or a curated image everyone falls in love with, I want to strip me down as bare honest as possible to be loved for the realness of me, not the image or the easy to love glamour. Which is why yeah sure, I have the genetics of curly hair with strands of copper and gold through it and curves like Jessica Rabbit and eyes that change the colors of the sea -- but I also have the unruly ungovernable curls with a mind of their own (and sometimes bits of sticks or feather stuck in them) and I don't wear makeup and I refuse to exercise as a have to but only for the joy of using my body in those activities. And I don't WANT or SEEK a fortune or status or to leave anything to posterity with this life -- I seek beauty and knowledge and joy and the intangible things that bring a soul brightness but which no amount of wealth and status and fame can get for you if you can't find it inside yourself. Even when I create, in words or dance or sketches or painting, it's for the joy in creating not because I care if the rest of the world ever knows what I made or I existed... 

I would, in all sincerity, be happiest in a small cottage/cabin in the woods with a garden and the inside all full of light and music and books and beautiful things and plants and fur baby familiars and those who love us able to find us. I'd rather have that than anything else society or posterity or big tech can offer. I'd rather leave brightness in the hearts of those whose lives I touched and have my name and the story of this life lost to history. History and the world have had enough of my lives, it doesn't need this one. I don't even want a stone grave marker -- I want my body returned to the earth and a tree planted over it. An apple tree and a birch tree over the burial spot. 

But the thing is, I don't know if that's what he wants... I think the world and leaving his mark on it tempts him this life. And that's fine and isn't always an ego trap -- it can be noble to want to use your gifts to leave things better for the next generations as long as you keep your sights on the big goal of leaving the world better and brighter for your touch upon it. Just, know that in THIS life of mine, I don't seek and I'm not motivated or impressed by money or popularity or status or famous name or power or anything of the sort so I have no ambition or drive or competitive need to show off myself or what I can do. It's just not what my lessons this life are about.... My lessons are about the healing in accepting love for me qua me just exactly as I am. And the glow of basking in that feeling and knowing I am loved for the esse of me and for no other reason than that. 

And I dunno why I wanted to write all that out or even remember my point in it. I just felt while watching the snow falling peacefully and smiling upon the bright stillness of fresh snow in the witching hour that these were things I NEEDED to get crystal clear shaped into word forms for the sake of his healing and his choices. To help him choose how to guide his life path choices in the greatest fullness of knowledge. Because free will is sacrosanct, but all of us make different choices based on our best knowledge at the time of choosing, y'know? To give truths someone didn't have is to give the gift of clarity and illumination into the crucible of their present choices. 

And also. it's as important to forgive our past selves for what we didn't know and what we got wrong due to the limits of our past knowledge as it is to continuously strive to be better brighter truest versions of our own better self. That's as true for your past lives as it is for your past versions of yourself in this one life. You don't have to love all the things that your past self did and you should strive to choose better from now moving forward and to make amends where possible -- but also gift yourself the grace of loving who you were, mistakes and all, as a flawed human vessel for a soul's incarnating who did the best you could at the time with the knowledge you then had. Love your past self for the best you did with what you knew at the time, love yourself now for the best you're trying to do with what you now have and all you have learned thus far, and love your future self for all the brightness and beauty your life and soul can hold if you choose it for yourself. It's a grace nobody can take from you and a gift nobody can give you but your highest self. And you need it to choose what is in your own highest good, in this life and all lives.

I'm going to go put the kettle on to make a cuppa tea and tidy up some things while the water boils (this is part of how I gamify trick my ADHD to do chores, I do them in competitive against the clock game of finite length that would otherwise get frittered away on mindless scrolling while I wait on something, though I'm allowed to spend as much time finishing the task as I want just as long as I listen to the timer(s) like for steeping the tea so it won't over steep.) Once my tea is ready, back to reading some more until my 12hr alarm tells me it's time to give the dog her antibiotics with food (and both animals will get treats and love.) And eventually breakfast and laying a fire for the day and at 8ish starting the process of washing the linens throughout the day because I haven't done them since I got home from WA and it needs to be done. And I'll set the slow cooker to make for lunch a turkey soup from the thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer and fresh veggies need to be used up before the spoil. And I'll bank the fire close the glass to take the dog out whenever she asks and we two will frolic in the snow. And most of the day will be a crackling fire and piano music (it's the household favorite after all) and snuggling with the fur babies and lots of coffee/tea/hot cocoa and reading (interspersed with productivity of accomplishing light chores that are weighing on my conscience as needing to be done) and the sparkling joyous peace of snow falling all day. And then for dinner roast a squash cook up some steak that's been in the freezer long enough it should be eaten and open a bottle of red wine with dinner and then read and feed the fire until I'm ready to let the hearth fire burn down to embers that burn out so I can safely close the flue go to bed in fresh washed bedding. That's my hygge cozy plan for today tbh. A day to be gentle on myself and be a fool on the hill hermit ignoring the world while I bask in the beauty and peacefulness of simple joys and tasks done with reverent love in the doing of them and the good they add to my life.

 I'm so excited and happy that the Packers made it into the playoffs!!!!! What a rollercoaster of a season. Crazy year. But yay for a playoff game on Saturday!!! 

O and the dogs are super excited and happy that the wine on New Year's Eve led to the decision to add Sack Snacks to the Touchdown Treats, to show appreciation for good d and the very first sack today, the dogs went running excited to the kitchen for little treats because they remembered "sack" + human joy = treat. Littlest for sack snack, then turnovers get two little treats, a medium treat for field goals because we had some horrifically bad mid season games where those were the only points on the board, and big treats for every touchdown (bonus little treat with the big treat for successful two point conversion) and a big treat for a win. There's also a lot of repeating with emphasis FIRST down to distinguish it from TOIUCH DOWN! Let's just say the dogs are VERY invested in Packers games now and think all other sports pale in comparison to Packers games. Also Sophie now wears a jersey as well by her own insistence, my "torn by a German Shepherd then repaired" youth sized Aaron Rodgers jersey. The first time Sophie saw me putting Waffles' jersey on her, Sophie gave me a Huskie mix EARFUL lecture about how unfair it was the other dog had a jersey because Sophie had thought it was just an Audrey thing but the new dog gets one and Sophie has been a Pack member WAY longer than Waffles so where the hell is her jersey?! And luckily, I had brought the torn by a german Shepherd trying to put it on said shepherd and repaired with my sister Rodgers jersey because I thought I might want to put it on over my white sweater with green skirt and Packers santa hat I had worn for holiday symphony. And now that jersey is Sophie's and it fits her everywhere except not tapering at the waist so we just clip the back up for her. So the dogs KNOW what jerseys mean when those go on them, lol. And that's when the excitement and chattiness from Sophie begins, lol.

Bit of a busy week, although some of the busyness is planning to stay home with the expected more than half inch of snow on Tues and another half inch on Friday. Either Wednesday or Thursday Mikaela and I are going to the zoo (the zoo in Madison is one of the few ACZ certified zoos that's always free) to go watch the snow loving animals frolic. (Bo and Berit, the pair of polar bears; Tai the red panda, and Yuri our Amur tiger are the happiest with lots of new snow. Bo, short for Borealis, is the younger of the two polar bears and he is always the most excited for lots of snow.) Then Saturday I have tickets with my parents and Crissy to the Broadway tour of Beetlejuice and I think the plan is to have dinner at Cooper's Irish Tavern beforehand because they have budino on the dessert menu right now and that's one of my maman's forever favorite desserts. Sunday is the Packers playoff game against the Cowboys. 

And then the following Monday and maybe Tuesday are going to be stupid cold (single digit Fahrenheit high temps and negative Fahrenheit low temps -- so I might stay home with a fire so that my crows can warm themselves up against the chimney. On verra. I won't be able to get as many hours in early though because of the Beetlejuice tickets. I can decide about next week next week -- I don't have much at all in the calendar this month actually.

Also, if you haven't watched Holey Moley, you absolutely should! Fucking hilarious! It's on Disney Plus (though maybe its Hulu? It's all the same login for me) because it was on ABC. Miche and Jon found it and saved to watch with me (they find a mix of ridiculous series and documentaries to watch with me on my visits) and season 1 of Holey Moley was everyone's clear winner for this week. I'm currently watching through Season 2 now I'm at home. It's an extreme minigolf competition but it's the commentators who make the show, Joe Tessitore is the classic play by play actual sports commentator for ABC and ESPN and if you watch sports at all the moment you hear his voice you'll recognize it and he's trying to be as serious commentating as for professional sports but his co-host is Rob Riggle the comedian and their dynamic is just golden!! And then you add the music and sound effects and it's just so good! Especially if you're someone who watches enough sports to appreciate Tessitore trying so hard to do his job and sometimes just breaking at the comedy.There's apparently nowhere to find the streams for season 3 or 4 right now (so maybe rights are being shopped to somewhere else?) but if you find either season, it would delight me to no end to be able to watch season 3 and 4. (special bonus: not only will you delight me with the happy surprise of finding it, and happy surprises are one my favorite things in the world, but laughter is my emotional reset switch. So when you make me laugh, no matter what mood I was in beforehand or the reasons for it, the moment I laugh you set me back to my factory defaults of cheerful optimistic happy go lucky logical me. Much easier to make me laugh than to guarantee snow to reset my mood and it works every time but only once you make me laugh. But also, it ALWAYS works the moment you get me to laugh. It's very true for me the Marilyn Monroe quote, “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.”Always has been. One of the most important hacks into my personality, especially when I'm worked up irrational or angry or frustrated. Completely altered for the best the relationship between my sister (Virgo sun, Pisces moon, Pisces rising) and me when she realized she could control our interactions by opening with something ridiculous to make me laugh so she always got the best version of me, lol.)

Anyway. My point was Holey Moley. It's what I've been watching while inputting keeping me at work even later than usual. It's so  great!! So brilliant! One of the funniest things I've seen in a really long time and the world is hard right now and we can all use what light and laughter and joy we can find in it. (and at a Cassandra level precogger looking at the upcoming fatelines, I gotta tell you that the world is going to get darker before it gets brighter; so quite seriously hold onto whatever joy and light you can find while you can.) It's sooo ridiculous!! Especially if you are someone who watches enough sports to have the immediate Tessitore delivery put your brain into "this is serious competition" juxtaposed with the ridiculousness of Riggle and how serious-campy-insane the show takes itself. It's perfection if you're a sport person and a comedy person. It makes me laugh so hard!!! I may have to give it some time then rewatch the show even though I don't usually rewatch sports or game shows or reality type shows. But this one may weel be worth it given how much it makes me laugh.

It's been making me want to go play some mini golf though (haven't been since the summer -- but growing up my parents took my sister and me mini golfing at almost every opportunity so it's definitely a thing I very much enjoy) and it's kind of snow covered winter time so there's only the one indoor course at Vitense right now. And that is the meh-est least epic of the mini golf courses at Vitense, though none of their courses can compare to the extreme-ness of Holey Moley course. Still, I may have to find someone to make plans to mini golf, even if it is the indoor course, sooner rather than later.

O right! And pupdate of Waffles claw injury. She's still on her 7 day course of antibiotics, the quick is still not fully covered but the keratin is growing fast and it's clean enough shows no sign of infections and she hates the winter snow bootie so much I didn't make her wear it today. if the quick is still exposed when we get more snow on Mon night/Tues I may make her wear the little snow bootie because otherwise the cold sensitivity and wetness may be problematic. but she's healing up well with no sign of infection or anything at this point. And I'd be surprised with how fast the keratin is growing if the quick isn't fully protected before we get to the deeper snows and stupidly stupid cold. 

Also also. Tickets go on presale tomorrow (today now) for Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks at Soldier Field and I've used up all of my people who like Billy Joel enough to pay for as spendy as even nosebleed seats are to go with me to a stadium show going to see him at Wrigley and Lambeau and I don't have anyone to go with me to Chicago for the show on June 21... And I'm very upset about this.... Because summer solstice (technically this year it's the evening of the 20, but the 21 is OFTEN the solstice so I'm counting it a solstice show) and there's a Billy Joel AND Stevie Nicks concert in Chicago.... and nobody who likes Billy Joel enough for a whole spendy stadium show loves me (or Billy Joel or Stevie Nicks) enough to go with me this year....Clearly astro poets were wrong about my horoscope for this week "Week of 1/7 in Libra: You are loved. You are surrounded by love and oranges. So many people know you. You will be known further. You will be loved forever." since I can't even find anyone willing to go to Chicago with me to see Billy Joel and Stevie nicks concert on the solstice.... (Just joking about that, money is an issue as is the fact that the people I've asked have already gone to see Billy Joel concerts with me in the past at Wrigley Field and Lambeau Field, lol.)  It's a brilliant horoscope for this week though -- made me laugh when i read it today. My rising sign for this week is "Week of 1/7 in Pisces: You knew what to say. But also you didn’t. Hold the strength to be what can be said. You can send off the green. You can be there in green and sunshine."  They were definitely the two best of all the astro poet horoscopes for this week tbh,

 So. I've been thinking this morning about what I said in that postscript about fear making us complicate the simple. 

"What if it really is that easy? What if all the overthinking is just.... unnecessary messes... that our minds have fabricated because we're so scared of not getting what we actually want so it's easier to just make up excuses/reasons that never would have existed at all if not for the overthinking. Like, what if it were just that easy, all we have to do is pay attention to the ACTUAL wanting and do what should be the easiest thing of all -- and just ignore all the fucking rest of the overthinking and distractions."

And I think I'm right about that, and more right than I realized when I said it. Because I said it from my heart in the moment of realization, of epiphany, of defiance, but I hadn't really explored the concept as such. It was new to me, the consideration of it. But I've spent most of this morning since sunrise laying in bed thinking about it. (O I thought about other things too, but exploring this concept about our fears being at the root of the complications and messiness was the main focus of my thinking.) And the more I examined it, not only did it feel right but I couldn't break it. (This is how I know when I get hold of a good philosophical or scientific question/idea worth pursuing, when I try to question it and break it from every angle I can think of but the idea doesn't break. If a what if or examining from a new angle can topple your hypothesis, then you have some shitty ass premises in there to reexamine and you might want to throw out your conclusion too because chances are low you arrived at a truth conclusion if your premises were such easily demolished shite.) 

I guess I can't speak for him and his choices thus far, but I do think in both of us it's what we're scared of, the fear being at the root of the complications/messes of what should be so simple. It's fear that he wants something other than me that motivates the martyring complex of my thinking/reacting of trying to let him go. It's not because I WANT to make me try to let go, it's because I get a belief (or fear) that he wants someone/something other than me and IF that fear/belief is true THEN I'm doing wrong by trying to hold onto the connection to him getting in the way of his happiness. I'm acting on the appropriate if/then for the scenario BUT the entire scenario is fabricated of belief/fear NOT necessarily his truth at the time. Because most of the time I get to being like that, I don't actually KNOW his truth or his desires -- and the obvious answer to cut the Gordian Knot would be that when I get to fearing/believing he might want someone/something else so me hanging on is in his way, I ought to ASK or find out his truth. Ask for his truth so the fear can't grow legs under it to do damage.... Only, we don't have means of communication open enough at this time for that, but it's what I SHOULD do, if I could. Try to ask and find out what DOES he want instead of letting fear build a scenario in my head as a premise that if anything makes me think that scenario could be true I jump to acting on the conclusion I drew from it. But it's the fear in me of that maybe, the maybe I'm not any part of what he wants this life, that sets the whole mess into motion. Just like it's the fear that the proof he doesn't want me is in how much time has passed without him ever choosing me, always choosing not me, so I'm wasting what time I still have by hoping/believing he will choose me at some point... 

It's fear at the root of the messes. And I don't have the evidence for it, but I'd lay down money that fear is at the root of how things got such a mess from his side too. Maybe a similar sort of fear to mine, about somehow not being good enough (whatever the hell good enough even means, good enough is a completely subjective measure after all) to be what the other person would want/choose for their life. Fear makes choices, actions, and inactions look fucking irrational from the outside -- and it makes you act exactly counter to your own wants and desires. And I don't know what his motivating fears are, but I think they're actually a mirrored reflection of my own fear that I'm not enough to be what he wants.... I'd lay down more money than I have that every time I pull away or try to give him up, it feeds a fear in him about losing me before he ever even got a proper chance or that he's somehow not good enough for me to want to stay. (That's not it at all, he's more than good enough by my standards, I can't think of anything I've ever wanted more. Me pulling away is about me giving him up for ethical reasons and/or thinking I'm not a part of what he wants/chooses for his life.)

If I'm right about that, it means that the actions he does from his fear feed my fear and when I act on it then it feeds his fears and it's just a messy ass feedback loop of heartache our fears have created as they reflect off each other. Which is stupid. Let's stop that. No more feeding fears, not our own and not the other person's. And that means no more acting/reacting based on a what if premise built by a fear. 

(And there is a fear in me that I might not be any part of what he wants this life... I try to stoic through accepting that idea, but it still hurts and I'm afraid it's his truth when I try to make me face the fear by accepting it. And it might not even be his truth at all, y'know? I'm just so scared it might be his truth that I try to face the fear by accepting it rather than finding out if it's even true, even with my considering as a what if to be faced. I do recognize that question exists in me and there's a fear the answer might not be in my favor....) 

And that brings me to a deeper more subconscious fear that I don't think has been abetting the self-sabotage and messes and complications built up between us so far but I can't say it isn't. And that's the fear of what if we don't fit this life, what if who we are right now doesn't work out? What then? I mean, it's a long time pulling and the bond is strong but that's no guarantee we can find a way to make who we are now fit together in healthy ways in a shared life, y'know? And there could be a temptation to sabotage the reality ever making us face that fear so we can hold onto the dream/vision/promise. And I don't think I'm doing that, but I can't swear I'm not because it would be a deep subconscious thing, and it is related to the fear of not being what he wants/chooses for his life.... 

But I think the only answer for that potential deeper fear is to jump in the deep end and try. The truth to counter the fear can only be found in doing the experiment. But also, it's probably worth jumping in the deep end with eyes open to making sure we try to figure out how to best fit together rather than assuming we automatically will/do. But that's a place for choosing empathy and honesty and a shared desire to find a way -- and that's solid foundations for building together but further along a real world life trajectory than anything we've got between us just yet.

And that's as far as I can shape into words my shadow work self examination on the ontological questioning of my statement last night about how fear has been creating and feeding all the messes/complications between us. Which means that it's time for me to get out of bed and make coffee and breakfast because I've time blindness contemplated the entire morning away....

But I stand by the obvious (but not necessarily easy) answer is to cut out the fear and all the complications it has bred and still breeds and simplify back to striving to achieve the wants/desires. Because acting only in the name of the wants/desires in each of us is not only more active and hope filled, but it is much easier than getting distracted wrestling straw men built by fear. I think we would both be happier and more certain if we both acted from the place of wants/desires and only reacted in ways that are truth seeking rather than fears feeding. 

And speaking of feeding things, I am quite hungry now that my thinking is at a good enough stopping point I can articulate the thoughts into word forms, I'm gonna go make some coffee and eggs and potatoes and carrots now! (And yes, I've been doing all that thinking and all this writing before any coffee to help focus my shotgun effect ADHD associative lightning leap brain.)

I should let the heart make (obvious seeming) ontological statements for my head to puzzle out more often. Much healthier than getting stuck in bad logic circuits pursuing the what if premises being scared creates....

P. S. Also. Think about this. If we have made such a mess of unnecessary complications across all these years by mirroring between us the fear we are somehow not good enough to be what the other wants (and we have, both been feeling scared of that and amplifying the fear by the mirror and reacting out of fear.) If we can make such a mess mirroring our fears that way, just imagine the beautiful things we could create if we focused on mirroring our desires to amplify the love between our souls..... Wouldn't that be something worth seeing and doing! If the mirroring is going to happen between us anyway, let's say "fuck focusing on that" to the fears and all the complications they've bred -- I want to find out all the bright and good and beautiful things we can create between us if we intentionally choose to act from the place of love and we mirror each other's desires instead of fears. Yeah, let's do that instead. Let's find out what happens if we both consciously decide to do that!!!!

 It snowed this morning!!!

It was so beautiful and it brought such a peace upon the restlessness in my soul I had last night. Just this sense not to worry so much, that everything was working out and that I wasn't the only one who cares, and to give some time for what's already in motion to play out. It's funny how such a little thing as fresh snow makes such a difference in my overthinking headspace, blankets it all with beauty and stillness and faith, so I can just be in that inner heart space of calm and peace and trust where anything is possible. It's also when I'm quietly seated in my inner tranquility that I hear him the loudest you know. Down the bond. When I sit in my inner quietude, he's always very much present there with just that overflowing sense of being loved and cherished. The quieter my head is and the quieter his head is, the clearer that connection shines through between us. Even more so than in sleep and dream space, I have very active dream space after all. Not that it's EASY to quiet the over thinking of the head, my head can be a damn chatterbox of overthinking and what ifs sometimes -- just that deeper than all that surface agitation from the overthinking, there in the quietest inner stillness, that's where the pull of the bond and the strength of the lovelight and even the echoes of songs I've never heard with my ears before can be found. 

All of the believing that maybe I should let him go and all that messiness all comes from my head and from the physical tangible truths of this moment in time. But in the still place inside me, in my inmost heart and soul, there's only steady strong love and connection and fragments of song. If I could, I would want to stay always in the glow of that heart space and the place of inner quiet where there's no doubts in the connection just the strong ISNESS and love of the connection.

The more at peace I am, the stronger that steadying heart space knowing only the love and coziness of the bond shines through the overthinking  constantly active doing of life in the 3d world.

Is that normal? Do other people have that? I never questioned that before -- it's always been there shining at the center of me same as my faith that somehow this life we would find a way back to reunite. It's as normal to me as experiencing colors/lights with the timbres of music. And remember I was in my mid twenties when I read Musicophilia and discovered that synesthesia is NOT how most people perceive music -- up until that epiphany that most people don't have that, I thought some people liked garish clashing colors and I would never understand their aesthetics. But maybe it's like my synesthesia, maybe most people DON'T have that steady strong love bond in the quietest places of their heart space. Or maybe they just never get quiet enough to hear it and feel the steady pull and strength in their own heart space. But I wonder if maybe it's not something most people have.... I wonder if he feels it and can reach it too, if he gets quiet enough focuses inward.  I know sometimes he just floods love and light for me down through the bond and that quiet shared heart space just shimmers and shines golden and pearly with all that love light reaching me from him.

I miss it desperately when I try to deny it or shut it out because I think ethically I have to. It's like cutting off a core part of my esse, I find myself going through the motions of the day and filling my time with distractions when I try to deny or shut out the bond and that place where my inner peace is that's all full of his love's presence even in his physical absence.("So then stop doing that Dani." "O but I wish I never had a reason to ever again try doing that or believing that ethically it's the only right thing for me to do!!")

I don't know that I can find my center outside that quiet space in my heart. And I've never known that quiet space without feeling the bond and the strength and warmth of the love between us down the bond that creates and fills and suffuses that space.

Anyway. When it snows, it quiets my overthinking head and everything sparkles my child like delight and that quiet inner space stops getting drowned out by the noise and is just like, "I'm still here, this is still here, come into the love here and be at peace"

Also, the forecast has enough snow to please even me!

I'm so excited for the promise of all the snow in the forecast!!!  Gonna be such a good week for snuggling into the hygge coziness of life! I'm at work now (yes it's Saturday, but I set my own hours) and will be in a lot tomorrow so I can get my 40 hours in early then just bask in the coziness promised during the next week! ( And yes, I would very much LIKE to be at a point in our lives where physically hugging and snuggling with him could be part of that cozy hygge, but we're not right now and that is what it is -- but I'd still LIKE that to be a part of my truth. This week, next week, every week. I mean, if you're asking me what I WANT, not what I think practical to expect, then my answer would be "yes every week. Of course every week. Always want." What I want is what I want. It hasn't changed just because it sometimes feels it won't ever be made real. I still want what I want. My heart is a very damn stubborn thing once it's set on something. Pretty sure all he would have to do is show up wrap me in a hug and my heart would just be like, "Yes. See. This. This this this. This was what I've been telling you I want. Now was that so difficult?" Just short circuit the overthinking before it can make a mess of everything.

P.S. Updated forecast has even MORE snow next week!!!! So i updated the pictures, lol.

P.P.S. Okay but also. What if it really is that easy? What if all the overthinking is just.... unnecessary messes... that our minds have fabricated because we're so scared of not getting what we actually want so it's easier to just make up excuses/reasons that never would have existed at all if not for the overthinking. Like, what if it were just that easy, all we have to do is pay attention to the ACTUAL wanting and do what should be the easiest thing of all -- and just ignore all the fucking rest of the overthinking and distractions.

P.P.P.S. Okay but also also. Hear me out here. Granted it's not been that simple so far. But what if, can we just MAKE it that simple moving forward? Just decide that it's really that simple and we're just going to move forward on simplifying it to the core of the love shining at the center of everything and just choose that and to feed it and build upon it? Just, let's choose to make it that simple. Both of us. At the same time. Just choose not to make things so difficult when it doesn't need to be and shouldn't be.

Where am I today? I wish that I knew. 'Cause looking around there's no sign of you. I don't remember one jump or one leap. Just quiet steps away from you lead. I'm holding my heart out but clutching it, too. Feeling this short of a love that we once knew. Calling this a home when it's not even close, I'm playing the role with nerves left exposed. Standing on a darkened stage, Stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, I have my reasons why. We get distracted by the dreams of our own, But nobody's happy while feeling alone. And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, We lean another ladder against the wrong wall.

 Ooft. My condo management company (the new one hired over the summer after the old one decided they were just retiring and closing their doors with little or no warning gave us two months to find another company and do handover) who placed their bid at $365 per month per unit to get the contract with the board then just recently announced that starting Jan 1 it would be $390 per month per unit.....anyway, they sent out an email about the official dog policy as apparently there is dog waste on the property and asked that all people with dogs or who see dogs on the property are known to thr company and properly exempted (either belong to unit owners who have had a dog here since prior to 2009, which is me, or who have registered medical or certified therapy dog, which could also be me due to the migraines if I need to certify her) and owners are always picking up waste to dispose properly and keeping dogs on leash at all times when not in unit. 

So I emailed back about my dog and how she complies to the changed rule, detailing the dogs known in the building but admitting I have no idea in 96 with the shared garage or the other building, mentioned that neighbors with dogs often cut through the lot and properties and dont always pick up if the issue is outside, my willingness for cameras in common areas to figure out who is allowing their dog to go in the garage on cold/wet days (an ongoing problem), my willingness to once again hold a vote on the pet policy given there are at least five dogs in 66 alone and nobody else who voted in 2012 to keep the dog policy is still here, and said that if there are forms that were lost in the transition to please let me know as I will happily fill them out. 

But before I wrote a reply back, fuck all if I didn't hit my temper fuse at dealing with this zombie issue battle of the last 12-13 years of my life about the stupid dog policy change and go online and look at dog friendly condos and small houses in the area.... There are some right around the price range my tax evaluation is at, including one right down the road nearby that also has a fireplace in the living room, and while it wouldn't be a great time to take out a mortgage given current rates (I would need more than I currently have to buy a new place and to cover what remains on my current 12yr mortgage refi and my heloc) I could negotiate a refi or heloc when rates come back down..... And then I started asking myself if I wanted another condo or if I should stretch goal a small house (I've always had a thing for cottage and cabin types, I like a house that feels just the right size for the lives inside it to fit without too much empty rooms; the house I grew up in is a seaside cottage style with lots of eaves and gables; I like tall ceilings and doorways because I'm just shy of 5'8, but I don't like too many unfilled empty rooms in a home) in the woods with space for a garden. Because as convenient as living less than 5mins from work is, if I'm going to go to the effort of selling my condo and moving me, why repeat the same pattern into somewhere similar but just new to me but still with the issues of condo association boards and shared neighbors making choices that cause me migraines. shouldn't I move to a place that is ACTUALLY what I want, in or near woods with space for my flowers and herbs and fruits/veggies gardens and the inside all cozy full of goldenness and wood grains and books and music and art and fur babies..... And I've gotten spoiled having an indoor fireplace, I always wanted one in my bedroom growing up and now I've had one in my living room for over 15 years, I do want a real wood burning fireplace anywhere I live.... and then I asked where I would want that to be, and my heart just cried out, "somewhere there's snow covering everything from like mid-Nov through mid-March." Which used to be here, but global warming means that's not really how southern Wisconsin is right now....

And since I wasn't certain trying to find another condo or small house right in Madison was my best future path for what I most truly desire, I decided not to contact my credit union about my price range looking to move or my uncle who's a retired construction worker and carpenter to come help me get the place ready to sell.... And so I sucked it up, calmed down, and wrote as succinct but complete a reply to Brittany at Broihahn as I could. (I CAN actually write succinctly, I just need a framework structure and a word count to contain all my "thinking of which" moments. Without that, editing my flow of consciousness if it's in conversational flow form just makes it longer because in rereading, I think of more new things than I pare out ADHD digressions.... I'm afraid in written form, you get nothing at all or massive epistles from me and unless you ask for a word count limit or sticking to a 5 paragraph essay format, you're just sol on length because brevity is not my forte if I'm interested at all in the topic or the questions it raises...)

But that is how close I am right now to saying, "fuck the logistics, I'm done and moving me and my animals and all my books the fuck out of here" between the ongoing dog related issue(s), the migraines triggered by the synthetic perfumes used in hallways and other units that seep into my unit, the continuously increasing condo association fees (for comparison, Ian lives in a comparable sized condo west side of Madison that doesnt have asinine dog policies and he and Jane pay $285 per month in association dues), and also the nastiness of the Beans down the hall (neighbors down the hall, replaced the darling French professor and his wife I adored and who loved Audrey Pupburn and I reminded them of their daughter; but they retired moved back to France and the Beans moved in who are nasty mean gone so far left as hippies they turned right, maga trump supporters  who are petty dictators only here half the year, the other half in California, but as petty dictators with him on the board always have to find a crusade making everyone's life miserable.)

Bah. Hopefully the dog issue won't spiral worse.... This is the first the new management association has weighed into the fray on it. And one of the other dog owners is also on the board of the condo association. But if the new neighbors dog keeps barking so much once the Beans are back then it's going to be absolute hell with trying to enforce the pet policy and neighbors being nasty all over again about any dogs in the building.... (the Beans drove out the disabled man who used to live there with two cats by complaining the cats created an ammonia smell on their end of the hall that seeped into their unit made it uninhabitable and then after many months of propping open the fire door at the top of the stairs until fire department threatened to fine the association they put Jim on the board insisted that the new carpet under three years old had to be torn out and replaced because it must be holding/retaining the doors in either the carpet or the cement underneath it....his mobility issues we're getting worse and worse to consider it, but he told me it was their continued bullying sniping during board meetings and nastiness was the final straw. They also came knocking on my door one day before Tony got his dog down the hall to tell me that on their way bringing up groceries they found dirt with their own shoe tracks on it that was in the hall had to be dog poop from my dog dried up dropped off her further down in the hallway past my door. They were VERY upset when my answer was to get scientific clinical and examine it say, "there's no litter in it or any sort of obvious litter matter. Let me grab a paper towel to examine it closer. It doesn't smell like feces of any sort and it's too light colored sandy for a dog. It still has a shoe print on it, may I see yours to see if it matches? Or shall I just throw away this dried mud off your shoes for you?" He blushed bright crimson and they haven't tried anything like that with me since though they have with Tony and the previous cat owner. I told you, entitled maga trump supporting petty dictators who still think they're free spirited hippies so the rules don't apply to them but they get to make them up for everyone else.... And he's on the condo board because they're retired with nothing better to do....)

Anyway. There are many reasons I'd be happy to consider a relocation and selling my condo, even though it means moving all my books, if I just had a reason or a somewhere to move to. 

In other news, this is how exposed Waffles' quick is after I took the bandage off. (Bandages should be changed every 24 hours or sooner for any wound type, human or animal. And she was begging me to take it off her so she could walk normally again.) 

She really did not want me to put a bandage back on for her to go outside (at least the ground is frozen with no thaw coming up and no appréciable snow til Tues) and wounds need to breathe to heal. Infection risk is still high since the quick is a vein connected directly to the bone, but it is call using over and that nail is regrowing fast. I am washing it after she goes outside but leaving it be as long as she doesn't lick at it too much for tonight. If it's a problem, back in the bandage for tomorrow.

I did not attend Eric's Livestream tonight. I was pulling old vendor files for the shredder when I presume he went live if he did. I mean, he wasn't live at the times I looked up his profile, I had no idea what time he was thinking as only his tweet in the inexplicable notifications from X formerly known as Twitter, and I didn't use this as an excuse to follow his Instagram account again (in which case I would have gotten a notification when he went live since my insta does notify me when any accounts I follow go live.) I considered following him again while I had his profile searched up -- didn't look like he has posted anything new since I stopped following him but looked like some posts were maybe missing but I didn't know what. But ultimately I decided against following him again because nothing has changed as far as the source of pain to me from him sharing from his band's Instagram account -- I'm still blocked from the official Delta Rar account for being honest in 2018 that the country music at live shows was too painful to my synesthesia so no matter how much I liked any new songs I was going to have to stop attending shows for the foreseeable future while that was a thing. And since I'm still blocked from that account for my honesty, any time he shares anything to his stories from his band's account or where his band is tagged, it's going to be that same mixture of hurt and anger and injustice in me and nobody needs that bitter negativity that his sisters choices in 2018 created and continue to create -- its better that I shut down opportunities rather than let it continue to fester rather than heal by moving on. It's not about needing to see the content, I could make a burner account for that, it's a matter of principle and the injustice of the bullying via ostracism that the girls engaged in back in 2018 and then have defensively refused to make right any time it's been brought up since then. I ain't got time for girl bullying bullshit ostracism games, you don't want to exist to me, okay don't -- I will respect your ostracism boundary and do my best to remove reminders and sources that bring you back into my circle of attention. There are other bands I can listen to given I'm not welcome or included as a Delta Rae fan, as far as anything I can do, the band is dead dead and I have no interest in any new music from them or even listening to the old songs I once loved as along as I'm blocked on the band page and I have no interest in any solo projects involving either of the girls or anything their vocals are on because they made it clear ostracism is their choice and they dont want to exist to me or even allow the band to exist. 

But to go back to following his Instagram again is to just constantly be opening myself back up to reopening the wounds of that female bullying via ostracism injustice and my hurt and anger over it. And I don't choose to let them in to have that power over me anymore -- I'd rather not follow him or have those glimpses into his social media presence than allow further hurt opening up old wounds from that toxic behavior pattern that Liz and Britt created in 2018. I would rather give him up on social media and not allow his Instagram be a way to reach me than to allow him to be used as means of hurting me in stupid bullying games the girls created in 2018 and have never even acknowledged or tried to make right when brought up to them. It's old stupid mind games bullshit and I don't want him in the middle of it being a means for it to reach me or to have me feeling hurt/anger/injustice every time I see him. It's not fair to me or to him. I'd rather not know what he chooses to share there than have him be a focus for such toxicity. Of course I'd rather have the toxicity just be gone and to be able to follow him again and only feel the joy in what I see that he shares -- but that's not one of my options I can make happen. It's not like I can access the account and unblock me so I can just be delighted by whatever he shares from what he's building his life around. So the next beat option given that toxicity DOES exist and WILL exist as long as the bullying by ostracism of me being blocked for my honesty back in 2018 exists, is that I create my own boundaries removing myself from situations where that toxicity is periodically given rebirth to cause new hurt in old wounds. Not ideal, it means that he can't reach me via his Instagram and I miss out on the joy in anything else he might share that I would love.....but it's the best answer I have given I can't unblock myself and I understand why he shares stuff from his band's page or that tags his band. It was a really fucking amazing band and I loved them and their music very much before the girls chose bullying via ostracism as how to handle social media when they didn't like a truth and I've struggled really fucking hard at letting go of the songs I loved so much because I genuinely really love(d) the music and everything the band claimed to stand for -- and I still would love it just as much as ever if not for the choices the girls made in 2018 which created toxicity and still creates it because I'm still blocked. Those ripples are still causing damage because the problem was ghosted and evaded so the toxic consequences continue to pool rather than faced to clean it up bring healing. It's stupid but those are t my choices to make, all I can do is choose whether I want to continue in the interactions or not when acknowledgement and healing aren't offered on the table. 

He's still paying for third party choices and the toxic behaviors done/perpetuated in the band's name. But me not following him (not blocked or anything, just don't follow him any longer) and the lack those absences might make causes way less damage than was happening every time he had stories shared I couldn't watch or I would dread clicking on his picture in case it was the same damn message yet again. I mean, every time it happened, it meant that the toxicity of the hurt/anger/injustice or the dread of maybe getting something to make me smile or maybe receiving bullying via ostracism making me feel unwelcome and unwanted was getting subjectively associated with HIS picture and image even though from his side all he was doing was sharing a cool post/story from the page of the band he's in. And nothing healthy towards or with him could happen from getting those emotions tangled up in my subconscious with his picture/image.... The subconscious is a beast once it latches onto an idea/association and it's much harder to dig out wrong associations than to stop them from being created/perpetuated....

So that's why I unfollowed him after whatever he was trying to share from the band account in July. And that's why I didn't go back to follow him again even with the temptation of a live tonight to be able to see him with my own eyes gauge how he's doing. Because however fragile he's feeling recently, feeding negative associations into seeing him will only make things more fragile and cause more pain to grow between us. And I don't want to knowingly feed into  any more connections between us mixed with unnecessary pain and difficulties -- I've had enough pain and difficulties, thank you very much. A void, an emptiness, a nothing, is better than a something that makes us associate hurt/injustice with seeing each other, y'know? 

I want to create and feed connections between us of strength and love and healing and support and hope. That's what I want. It's all I've ever wanted... and it's stupid so much interference has gotten in the way of that. But where I can't nurture what I want to be between us, I'll choose an emptiness over feeding patterns of behaviors/reactions that are exactly opposite what I want to exist between us.

I don't know if all that good and beautiful potential can happen without healing the past.... Not glossing over pretending it  never happened or trying to bury it forget it, just acknowledging the cracks of what broke and how/why and making kintsugi/kintsukuroi to repair the breaks in gold so the vessel can be whole and stronger/more beautiful for the repairs made to how it broke. But I do know that I don't want to take part in anything that feeds further breaking. I'd rather choose removing myself into emptiness over knowingly taking part in repeating the patterns that break us make what should be beautiful and easy with toxicity and hardship. We need to find a way to stop repeating the same toxic patterns that haven't worked for us and to allow healing to create beauty from the cracks of how things broke if you want me to trust that reaching back the way I want to will be healthier than maintaining an absence where presence could/should be......

I don't ask that we go back to how things were before the choices in 2018 broke everything made it all so fucking hard.... I just ask that we acknowledge the breaking so we can fill the cracks with gold and finally heal into something more beautiful for the love put into repairing -- instead of ignoring/perpetuating patterns that breed more toxicity to create new cracks. I don't want to choose a void, I want to repair the cracks with gold and make it more beautiful for the love and intention put into fixing things repairing with gold rather than discarding the broken pieces as being too broken not worth the effort to even try....

Maybe I want too much to ask that we repair the broken pieces with gold. But I think it worth it. I still think it beautiful and worth the conscious effort and choosing love to repair with gold and make it more beautiful for having been so lovingly repaired after it was broken. I told you, I'm a girl who wants what she wants and doesn't know how to fall out of love with anything that appeals to her to love it. I know what I WANT to choose and that's to do whatever the hell it takes and whatever is in my power to repair with gold what was broken in 2018.  Me choosing absence/void and not following him again on insta or joining his livestream where I was afraid of feeling ostracized/unwanted due to the blocking the girls did in 2018 is me making the best I can of the options I see available to me right now so we don't keep breaking things smaller and more fractured till it's shattered beyond any hope of repairing the breaks with gold. Because maybe I'm the only one who gives a damn about wanting to repair things, let alone repairing the broken cracks with gold, but I still care enough to refrain from taking part in destruction to the pieces remaining that would remove all chances that in the future someone else might meet me partway so we can actually repair the broken cracks with gold and make the newly repaired piece more beautiful for the love/intention used to repair it with gold.

And sometimes I doubt that anyone but me ever has or ever will care about wanting to fix what got broken in 2018.... Whether I should just give up on a hope to fix with gold what nobody else seems to want to recognize or care was/is broken. But even at my most full of doubts asking why the hell I care when nobody else seems to care or want to try, the worst I have ever wanted to do in that case is give up with all the pieces as intact as possible in the hopes that maybe someday someone other than just me will care enough to try to repair the broken edges with gold and make something beautiful again. The worst in me is to abandon it as not being able to repair with gold because nobody else is willing to help me try. It's not in my nature to want to smash and shatter the pieces beyond the possibility of repairing in gold....the worst I have it in me to do is to give up hope and abandon, to leave it broken, unable to bring the pieces back together with enough love/intention to repair the cracks with gold...

And. Also. It breaks my heart every time I get to thinking/believing that way. I never try to give up hope or abandon or let go with a whole heart.... I'm always broken inside when I try to do it, even if I don't show it.

P. S. This is Leah Whitehorse's interpretation of the current astrology as Fri night moves into Sat and throughout Sat: 

"Sun in Capricorn square Chiron in Aries - Old wounds are visible now and we may feel more vulnerable or self-conscious than usual. Physical or emotional scars could feel like flaws that we must hide from others or a weakness that should be overcome. But, if we can share our pain, then each of us shines brighter. Old hurts can become teachers. Old wounds can become gifts... Push yourself enough to work through your fears, blocks and challenges but not so much that you break. Breathe light into what hurts you to alleviate pain. Don’t let your suffering define you."

It does feel quite relevant to what I wrote here immediately before seeing Leah's post.  Like, spot on regarding a better take/advice how the old pain from that unhealed toxicity created in 2018 and still allowed to fester and spread is what kept me from giving Eric's Instagram another follow so I could get notifications about any potential live. How the old unhealed toxic patterns and wounds are what's blocking me letting him reach me with new opportunities. 

Because it's really nothing about him qua him that kept me from giving that opportunity for reconnection for him to reach me -- it was about not wanting to return to hurt by replaying the old patterns of toxicity knowing the source of it is still there, still making ripples and affecting the present because its never yet been properly acknowledged and dealt with so it can heal instead of always reopening old wounds. 

It wasn't that I didn't want to see him or reach out with love in response to that opportunity offered. I very much did want to see him and respond with love and take that opportunity immediately I saw it on offer. I just didn't want it to be turned into a back stabbing source of poison from the old unhealed bullshit -- and given that nothing has changed, I judged there was a very real possibility of that occurring if I were to take the opportunity and trust leaning into it..... But there's a lot of me that regrets not taking the opportunity even with that risk of something third party breeding new pain into the old wounds created in 2018, because opportunities for any connections between him and me seem like they're always so few and far between. 

[Post title: lyrics to the song Reasons Why by Nickel Creek.]