O but also! I'm very very human, even with all my wyrd gifts and my memories of who we have been and contemplative bookishness and occasional wisdom. And I don't ALWAYS sit in that inner place of connecting to my highest self and my past self and transcendence. 

Nah, some days I'm a fucking mess just doing the best I can and I forget what I have known in my better moments and so I get to overthinking reactionary fear based doing the opposite of what I actually want because maybe that is what he wants after all, not because he said he wants it but because he never said he didn't want it and things are taking so long not seeming to get there and so I'm going to justify martyring my wants in the name of what he may perhaps want without actually knowing what he wants.... (And damn but it sounds so threadbare stupid when I reductio ad absurdum sum it up like that! 😆 Like, my weeks and months and years of creating heartache trying to make me believe that's the best course I can set with the hand I got just sounds so fucking stupid when I put it like that....)

I'm not perfect. And neither is he. And nobody is. And neither of us ever were, in any life. Everyone has their flaws as well as their strengths and you love all of it, the good as well as the frustrating, because it's the quixotic mix that makes them them.

 And sometimes I get really difficult to deal with, especially when I get something in my head like thinking I need to release him from me so he can pursue the happiness he seeks. Not all harm is caused by intention to cause pain, sometimes we do the greatest harm to ourselves and others by justifying weirdly rationalized shit as being the right thing to do..... 

What I wrote while contemplating the witching hour snow in that state of zen was as much for me in the times I fall away from my higher self as for anyone else. 

And my epiphany (on Epiphany, lol) of how maybe we could just simplify everything by acting on our desires from a place of love not our fears from a place of overthinking, wondering what would happen if both chose that at the same time was unexpectedly sudden and has been illuminating giving everything a magical glow and making even my hair extra ringlets bouncy curl beast mode. 

And anyway. My point adding this second post of the morning was: no pedestals. I'm no guru, no enlightened one. I'm just me. And I swear to G-d if you even try to put me on a pedestal, I will smash the bitch over so fast out of sheer cussedness knowing I don't belong there and don't want to be there. No pedestals for me. Not even when I put into words transcendent truths and deep knowing and love too big for words to contain the glow of it. No pedestals for me. Keep your view of me realistic and honest, love me as I am in totality, as someone doing their best they can as a human with flaws and scars and silliness and all.

Remember stripped to bare bones honest no pedestals so I can be loved shining my truest brightest me is the version of me I'm embodying this life. Don't make me lose my temper or say or do something really randomly stupid just to make you keep it real in your idea of who I am. 😘 Because I will. And nobody wants to clean up another mess of my making.

P. S. I will likely set that last post before this one to private draft later. I wanted to get it into words. But. I feel a bit not right about talking about his past soul path and his past lives where it can be read by n'importe qui.... That's his business and his to share and not for me to share, especially when he may not even remember any of that past history. And anyway, focus should be on being better and brighter NOW in this moment we have to shine in and making choices to get us to the futures we WANT most for ourselves. Past is past, it shaped us, it got us here, sometimes we have to dig into it to understand why we fuck up the way we do (especially if we have repeating patterns) but it doesn't define who we are now or who we can become. We choose that. In free will. Now and always. Past is prologue, not definition or fate. 

Ok, time to strip the bed down and then get going on that breakfast and coffee business before I blink and the entire morning somehow escapes me.