Yes I saw the e-mail from Delta Rae's Kickstarter about the Live album. Yes I downloaded it. No I haven't listened to it. (I mean, Out of the Badlands being on it was tempting... I did love that song so much and bring such joy and hope into my heart before everything got so fucked up...And I saw Surrounded was on there too, and that's the one made me decide to pay more attention...And Morning Comes which is a forever favorite. And a lot of others that had me tempted to just listen the once..But if I did, it would just set back any healing I've managed these months and getting accustomed to not letting myself listen because listening hurts more than it brings joy.....) It will keep til whenever I can listen to it in the spirit of hope with which I contributed to the Kickstarter and the spirit in which it was created -- and that's not now. That's not yet. And I can't tell you when it will be other than it won't happen until the poisons related to the band are cleared out. (And those are different from the poisons from Eric breaking my trust in him to even give a damn about whether he hurts people or what's ethically just versus what is morally bankrupt taking part of a system of bullying and injustice. There's two things broken, one with my trust of Eric and his character. And the other with me giving a damn about the band or their music and finding them hypocrites for standing by the decision to build a system of ostracism because they refused to hear honesty and then be bullies as a result of it and how behaving that way AND refusing to rectify it (or even respond to it) when it was brought to their attention undermines everything they ever claimed to stand for about issues of injustice.)

Relatedly. Yes I saw the emails about Behind The Door. Yes I have to admit curiosity. But I'm a curious person. That said, I'm still not intending to let the band back into my heart or my ears so long as they bring me more pain than joy. So no I haven't bought it. And no, I don't intend to spend any money on it (nor spend any further money on Delta Rae period in any form so long as I do not believe in their ethics as being real due to their behavior and their refusal to fix the system of ostracism that was created in the name of the entire band and thus colors EVERYTHING to do with the band.)  And I can quite easily shrug off whatever I'm missing because I won't know what I'm missing. And even if I knew what I was missing and thus I was hurting over missing it, why would I want it if having it brings me greater pain than joy into my life? If I'm going to hurt either way, I'd rather hurt over what OUGHT to hurt than hurt over what ought to bring me unalloyed joy if a less fucked up set of choices had been made.

So what reason would there be for it to tempt me at this time to let you back in or go deeper to learn more given the way things are broken and poisoned by choices that were not my own? What makes you think you could ever make or do anything that would tempt me that it could give me more joy than it could hurt me without first fixing what you broke? Y'know?

There were other things, but I'm tired and I don't feel like there's anything else belongs here.... This is more a.... reassurance as much as I could give any form of reassurance over the anxiety I feel inside me along the bond...I've not yet been given reason to try to mute the bond again, so I've just left it be. So yeah, I know. he's been anxious and upset not getting traction where he thought he would. So I just wanted to say that yes I saw it, yes I did download it -- but no I've not listened to it nor do I intend to for as long as it would cause me more pain than joy. And that's the response you should expect from me toward anything you might try to make or do to entice me to have an interest in you once more if you won't do the work to fix the hurt you caused, heal what you broke, and make it so that it's no longer a situation where any reminder of you causes me more pain due to the poisons you created than it could bring me joy......

I don't know why you'd expect anything else....I mean, why would anyone knowingly choose to invest time, energy, or money into something that causes them more pain than it brings them joy? If you have a choice in the matter, would you?Why?

Curious....  The pain/burning I'd expected along the bond (because it's been like clockwork on Friday nights for months)  didn't happen tonight.  Same as it didn't last Friday.  very curious....wasn't expecting that...I dn't expect it has anything to do with him caring about hurting me or caring about me at all based on my observations in recent months/years, but still it's curious..... Je ne comprends pas....

Also.  This morning I read The Power by Naomi Alderman. All in one sitting.  And there were things about it that were really good but honestly, I'm uncertain if it was intended as feminism,  as anti-feminism,  as inverting the patriarchy to expose it,  or a warning that matriarchy would be as violently abusive of power as patriarchy so stick with the devil you know.

(I'm a firm believer that power corrupts or sets you free but it's the rare individual it sets free - and that it is structures of inequality in power that creates abuses of those lower than you in any hierarchy no matter how the hierarchy is constructed.)

But something in the book felt anti-feminist to me and even pro-patriarchy apologist in some ways I can't put my finger on....  Which bothered me. It was only about inverting the power structure as "solution" to the inherent abuses of the powerful on the powerless and showing via fiction that women will be just as cruel as men if you give them power above men --  as opposed to advocating that the only way out is to shatter the Hegelian master-slave dialectic....it never even explored options to shatter hierarchies of power and departing from a master-slave dialectic approach.  (Also. As much as I love my abstruse philosophy texts.... I do NOT advocate reading that particular Hegel text in entirety. It's just not worth it. the master-slave dialectic is the only really great thing in it -- and you can actually understand that better in subsequent authors who were inspired by him than in reading Phenomenology of Spirit. As someone who has read it twice, first time for pleasure/curiosity and the second time just in case my first translator was the issue (it wasn't), please just trust me that you can skip reading ALL of Phenomenology of Spirit and just skip straight into deep dives on the concept of the master-slave dialectic, the further theories to create from it, and the harm it does to both parties when ANY relationship is constructed on this power inequality model.)

I wanted to love it, but if it's a feminist book it does a damn good job of apologizing for the patriarchy and misogyny by excusing "anyone would do this if given power over others -- cruelty is inherent in humankind, even with a long span of time to improve."  Read the novel for yourself though and decide for yourself. After all, it's a quick read, only 382pgs. And it's not dense nonfiction, so it's just under 4 hour read or so, yeah? I finally found it used in Sequim,  WA back at the end of February.  (I was uncertain I full priced new wanted it, i knew I definitely didn't hardcover price want it, though it's intrigued me since it was published in 2016 -- even though something about it always felt off putting to pay full price despite the premise seeming like it could be good.)

So Dave got his hair cut over the weekend, and with the new haircut I realized how much he looks like an ex of mine from college. I'd never noticed how much he looks like Tom... I don't actually mind, Tom's a good guy (we're still friends.)

It was kind of a weird awkward half relationship with Tom -- I met him when he had a regular acoustic set at a local cafe, just him and his acoustic guitar, mostly all covers of Beatles/Paul McCartney and Killers and some others.  During his set break, he came over to talk to me because he was happy astonished at my taste in music that I was singing to myself along with all his song choices AND wanted to know what i was writing (it was a short story for a contest that i won.) turned out he was an English major as well and then he deliberately put in one of his few originals in the second half.  He specifically asked if I'd come back the next week and get work done and I told him it was a good day for me as long as he didn't move his block of time earlier when I had a late class or later when I had Irish dance practice. He's also the first person to express astonishment about something I said about my color-timbre synesthesia and he suggested I read the Oliver Sacks book Musicophilia to understand better why I surprised him explaining that I liked his voice color.  But then we just sort of idled in that limbo between friends or more than friends but he never made a choice on the matter and we kept it open on both sides just fun and I didn't presume. His best friend (in his band) AND his sister both drunkenly told me about how he felt I was the one for him longterm once he was ready to settle down and I definitely know specific songs were about me. And then whenever he'd get in a fight with his now wife, he'd call me drunk to ask me why we never dated properly and I'd tell him straight out, "Because you never asked." when he told me he was thinking of proposing to her, I congratulated him but told him that he'd have to either except that he'd made his choices and let me go from his wistful wishes or he'd never be happy with her and if he couldn't do that, then I needed us to be distant acquaintances because i wasn't going to be party to him having even unacted upon infidelity.

Yeah, I know. Another musician, another singer-songwriter. I met Tom AFTER accidentally cursing myself when I was 20. Wait, you know about that yes? When i was 20, I flippantly told a friend of mine who only dated cheerleader/sorority girl types and who I considered like an older brother figure, or rather that to him I was like an annoying little sister, "O I'm not the sort of girl a musician would ever date." And he told me I assume too much if I think that. And I insisted I wasn't and he told me straight out that I'm the sort of girl that musicians fall in love with and write songs about and someday I'd marry one -- and I laughed said if it was true, the Universe would have to prove it to me because I didn't believe it. Since then, I've never once dated any guy who didn't turn out to be a musician and songwriter...... Even if music had nothing to do with how our paths crossed or their career path and I didn't find out til after dating for a while, every single guy I've dated since I was 20 has been a musician and a songwriter.... Every. Single. Fucking. One. Even the Olympic team alternate (in steeplechase) that I dated WHILE he was an Olympic team alternate for the Summer Olympics.....

So yeah. There's that. When i was 20, I accidentally cursed myself to only ever date musicians/songwriters....  I have yet to break that curse (it doesn't feel like I ever likely will. Guys who are songwriters, especially on guitar and piano, has become my comfort zone and it's a standing joke about me since I was 20 that that's my type.  Also, it means that there are a LOT of songs I've known to be written about me and a lot that I don't know for a fact are about me but everyone assumes they are.... That's actually another curse I put on me, back when I was about 9. I was upset that my sister has a fucking Beatles song with her name in it, hates The Beatles (don't ask, my sister has weird music tastes) but I got angry that there would never be any songs about me and that my name was so uncommon that there'd never be any songs with my name in the title or even my nickname in the title... Yeah, um, I now know of 2 songs titled Daniella (don't ask me how many baristas have hit on me after asking my name by singing at me, "Please Daniella, be my Cinderella" AND my nickname Dani is a Red Hot Chili Peppers song about a fucking female outlaw/bandit AND the music video tells the entire history of music videos -- and as mentioned, musicians/songwriters are apparently my type and I'm often theirs.)

Anyway. It doesn't bother me that Dave with the way he's grown into himself AND his newest haircut looks like Tom. Tom's a good guy, and he IS hot, even if I haven't seen him since he and his wife moved to Portland like 4 years ago. Also, I do love Dave's new songs he's been writing over the last several weeks!!  There's, ehrm, several that fall into the category of songs I (and many others) assume to be about me and are pretty obviously about me.....

~*~*~*~*~

As for Eric. O I've not done anything to the bond. I'm starting to get tension in me EXPECTING to have pain along the bond on Friday when he does... whatever the fuck he's been doing these last months on Fridays that have caused pain/burning along the bond every Friday night. But I said I'd leave it open until it causes me pain. And me readying EXPECTING the smack of hurt along the bond from Eric isn't the same as him actually doing something that causes pain/damage to me and thus the bond between our souls.  So I'm expecting it, and my hunch is it deals with the band Instagram account since me getting blocked from that account after being honest that the country music was causing me enough physical pain I'd not attend further Delta Rae shows AND Eric knowingly going live exclusively on the band Instagram account AFTER me telling him personally on multiple social media forums why that was unjust to go exclusively there where fans had been ostracized due to honesty by someone representing the band and that's when Eric shattered my trust, by going live on the band's Instagram account (not his, that was never an issue) right at the end of the Kickstarter without caring about causing me pain OR caring about him intentionally acting as a bully in an unjust way by going live there.  How can you trust in someone who doesn't care if they hurt you and doesn't care if they act as a bully and take ACTIVE part in system of ostracism and injustice (even if they didn't create it, still they took active part in it)? That's why I said nothing good can grow from the bond til I can get all the poisons out of the love that Britt and Eric planted in it...  What sort of healthy love can you have if you don't trust the other person to care for you and you actively expect them to hurt you?

So the bond is still active, I can feel it and feel him and his shadow of hope in the fact I've left it open and he can at least reach me..... But nothing has ACTUALLY changed since he chose to go live on the band Instagram account (still never having dealt with the injustice/bullying issues of taking part in ANY system of deliberate ostracism, especially when it was unmerited and only about having been honest and Britt wishing to punish honesty that cast her choices in a bad light.)
~I've still not listened to The Light. I haven't listened to ANY Delta Rae music since mid-March. None of their songs.
~I still no longer follow the band or any member of the band on Instagram or twitter (I do still like the band page on Facebook though it doesn't give me notifications or show up top of feed any longer  and I haven't unsubscribed any email lists or kickstarter list) and I never have checked in on them since.
~I still have removed and put in a closet the signed posters off my wall (and rearranged the posters of other bands on that wall so there's no empty space where their 3 were), my copper mugs and ceramic Christmas mug, and all the tees/tanks I had purchased over the years.

I HAVE loved some of their recent posts when they've randomly shown up in my Facebook feed -- but only when it's them sharing music from melanated voices. Because the justice issue and them standing on the right side of that is bigger and more important than the wrong that Liz, Britt, and Eric did to me and how broken it is for me having any trust in Eric now....   because the social justice issues matter more than wrongs done to me personally and my broken faith.

Nothing's healed. Nothing's changed even a little. I'm actually still waiting for the smack of expected pain from Eric along the bond on Friday night and me having to slam back down and spend my energy muting him out shutting down that bond once he hurts me again by knowingly doing what I've told him is ethically wrong as well as intentionally causing pain. This is an armistice of exhaustion and him overwhelming the bond --  not anything healing, not any rapprochement of any sort, not any renewal of faith/trust in Eric to be anything other than a source of hurts to me, not any desire in me for anything related to Delta Rae in my life, not me in any way seeking to bring him or his band into my life, not him having done ANYTHING to show me there's any change in him or reason for me to trust him. Just me being too tired and low on energy at this point with everything going on in the world learning what must be learned in the year of perfect vision for me to pour my own energy into trying to shut him out and mute the bond between our souls.  And as soon as he DOES cause me pain via the bond, I'll shut him out again and mute the bond. It's about his choices/actions before I'll do it -- but I won't hesitate to do it to protect myself from him continuing to willfully and knowingly do wrong by taking part in the unjust system of ostracism created in the entire band's name. And the thing is, i don't have to even know what he's done -- because of the bond, him knowingly do it will cause me pain by the way it burns along the bond while he's knowingly committing that ethics violation AFTER I told him it existed and nobody form the band ever once reached out to me or even responded about it no matter how many times I brought it up, publicly and privately, on band socials AND to individuals in the band. This is their ethics fuckup and their refusal to acknowledge Britt could ever have done wrong and supporting her defensiveness over that which has brought this to pass. There's literally nothing else in Eric or anything I've ever observed from him or the band as a whole that didn't appeal to me until 1) the decision to sign to a country label and sell out their music and everything the band ever stood for and 2) Britt's defensiveness at receiving honesty instead of admiration about that choice and her choosing to be a bully and make the entire band act as bullies in a system of created injustice towards fans who had merely been honest. It was Eric's willingness to follow his sister's lead and take part in a system of bullying and ostracism and injustice AFTER being told that it existed that shattered my trust in his character -- and not a damn thing else.

But I'm a Capricorn moon this life. And when you deal with a Capricorn sun or Capricorn moon, they will NEVER forget when you violate ethics and break their trust. And that broken trust will forever color their ability to extend further love or allow you to hurt them once you've shown them you can't be trusted. And you will only ever get two chances to hurt a Cap by breaking their trust -- the first time will hurt the worst -- but if you show them you've grown and changed and time has passed and you seem sincere you can have probationary trust to see if you really have changed from who you were. You break that probationary trust for a second time, especially along the same faultlines in your character, and you will be dead to them for the rest of that life no matter how much pain the Cap must endure cutting you out of them and what emotional sacrifices that demands of us after you've broken our trust.... My da and I were actually just talking about this earlier tonight surrounding some family things with his siblings -- about how "hard-hearted" Capricorns appear to others if you ever break our trust in you and your ethics and how it's really a defense mechanism of self-protection after you've hurt us by shattering our trust. My da is a Capricorn sun and I'm a Capricorn moon, so this is something we have in common in our natures. It's also why you want a Cap sun or moon around in an emergency or to lead your war -- our ability to set aside our emotions and calmly analytically look at what we must do to get the best possible outcome with what we have available in the current crisis we're triaging.

So I haven't forgotten that Eric knowingly acted in a way to cause me hurt after being told why it was wrong and bullying and bad ethics and I still EXPECT hurt from him as a result of what he showed me to be the weakness of his character, especially when following Britt's lead about her defensive and cruel streak to try to hide when she has been wrong or cruel by her past choices/actions. I've left the bond wide open, but I still expect from it and from Eric that he will just use it to repeat his past choices that cause(d) me hurt and prove he doesn't deserve a second chance of any sort of even probationary trust waiting for him to break it again. It's as much a way for me to gather data on my own growth toward numbness and stoicism so he can't have the power to hurt me AND a way to measure if there's any chance he HAS learned anything or grown to be deserving of even the smallest amount of trust in his character and ethics to be extended to him.

But as I've said, I'm tensing up mentally preparing myself for him to hurt me again via the bond by whatever it is he's been doing on Friday nights in recent months (though not last Friday, actually) that sends fire and acid along the bond as he once again KNOWINGLY acts in unjust cruel bullying ways (likely involving the band's instagram account -- though that is my unsubstantiated in any way hypothesis based on that's the issue that broke my trust in him and brought up what in him requires healing/growth/learning his fucking karmic lessons.)

And of course, Mercury just went retrograde, starting the week long trials of karmic lessons and setting of future karmic options of having so many planets all retrograde (Mars doesn't go retrograde til August or maybe September -- don't remember exact date right now, but this year of perfect vision, all planets will be retrograde at some point, usually more than half of them at the same time throughout the entire year) AND a solar eclipse during a 3 eclipse portal where the solar eclipse just HAPPENS to coincide with the summer solstice, the most light there will be on any day of the entire year of 2020..

But. Threre's always free will. I don't know what he WILL choose. I just know that I expect him to act in ways that cause me pain and remind me of how shattered any trust I had in him or his ethics has been since late August 2019. Just because I have no faith and EXPECT him to hurt me and remind me why the trust is shattered doesn't mean he will.... And every day that he doesn't do it, it shifts my esteem of him just a little in his favor. Not enough to start building up any trust in him on credit or to expect anything besides hurt from him at this point, but still a glimmer of tiny hope that maybe he's growing and learning to be a better man than he was and maybe he can/will do the work so i can extend him his second and only other chance with my trust in this life. (I am after all a Scorpio Venus as well as Capricorn moon -- breaking my trust in the ethics of you as a person AND showing me you don't care if you cause me hurt is generally the single worst "destroying everything for the rest of this life" thing you could do.... My trust is hard enough to gain in the first place for me to let you in enough you could ever hurt me. But after you've broken it? Every moment that you spend not breaking it again is the tiniest grain of sand in trying to build a foundation to earn even my cautious probationary trust that maybe you deserve a second chance.... And anyone who knows anything at all about astrology would know that just from finding out they're dealing with a Cap moon and a Scorpio Venus (regardless of how my sun and rising soften these aspects of my emotions.)

It's glacially slow, but not impossible for Eric to earn himself back a second chance if he stops causing me continuous hurt along the bond by repeating his acts of bullying/injustice/taking part in a system of intentional cruelty and ostracism towards fans who were honest.  It's not impossible, but it would mean him choosing to stop repeating the harmful/hurtful actions and refusing to take part in the system of injustice that was created in the name of the entire band on their Instagram account. It's entirely possible for him to start that work and conscious choice of him choosing not to intentionally do wrong or cause hurts. I don't expect it, but I won't lie to myself or anyone else by saying it's impossible or beyond what he could do.

And. Just abstaining from causing further harm, without fixing the injustice done in the name of the band or trying to heal the wrongs done..... it will stop him from continuing to break things further and continue losing me... But it takes more than abstaining from hurting someone and abstaining from doing something you know to be ethically wrong and unjust to begin the process of undoing the damage of past bullying and pain you caused. And if all he does is abstaining from perpetuating himself from knowingly joining in the system of bullying and ostracism that was created in the band's name on their own official Instagram account, then unless Dave somehow changes his mind, he'll still lose me to Dave in this life for as long as I am building anything good with Dave -- even if that means 20 years, 50 years of me having that bond unreachable while I give Dave a fair chance with my heart. even if that means that in this life we both grow old or one/both of us dies before Eric gets his second chance to prove to me I can trust him with my heart not to knowingly hurt me again..... O in another lifetime, or however many future lifetimes, Eric will have a fresh slate, especially if he properly does his karmic work and learns to be better than he has been. But in this one? Abstaining from doing further wrong is a bare minimum not to make things worse -- it's not going to make me want anything to do with Delta Rae in my life again any time soon nor will it stop me from allowing myself to love Dave for who he is in this life and for me to give an unbroken trust in Dave and David's capacity to  love and him not choosing to hurt me or betray me by following another person's bad ethics into bad ethical acts of his own.

That's the consequence of Eric choosing to do things he was told before he did them why those actions would be unjust and hurtful and wrong but rather than facing it to correct the ethical wrongs or doing anything for him to NOT be a bully, he chose to take active part in accepting and perpetuating the system of intentional injustice and ostracism created by his sister's choices born from her cruelty and defensiveness of her having been wrong and being called out on it honestly.  She may have created a system of injustice in the band's name -- but she never forced him to choose to be active part once he was told DIRECTLY that it existed and that putting ANY content exclusively on the band Instagram account was to take part in an injustice and bullying via ostracism. And it was his choice that broke my trust in him -- not Britt's inherent weaknesses (that she mistakenly thinks prove she's strong, but only make her a bully) of cruelty and defensiveness about trying to hide/deny what she does wrong.

So yeah, bond is still active, Eric can still reach me on it for the last week now... But he's not actively healing anything and I'm still waiting and expecting his weekly betrayal and the fire and acid down the bond as he retrenches in choosing to act as a bully and to choose ethics of injustice/ostracism rather than ethics of inclusivity.  And as soon as he DOES hurt me via the bond by choosing to continue to act as a bully in Britt's system of injustice/ostracism that betrays  in hypocrisy everything she or anyone in the band has ever claimed the band stands for ethically, I'll shut him out and mute down to nothing the bond again so he can't reach me that way......

That's how that stands right now.

And also..... for so long it's always been Eric's songs and the timbre of his voice singing that has filled my inner space, especially in my moments of silence. But that has changed since late October 2018 when Britt blocked me on her personal page for being honest that the country music would stop me from attending future Delta Rae concerts as much as I loved Hands Dirty and wanted to see it live. -- and then the next day I was blocked on the band page for repeating that same truth.  When I refused to have Eric stuck between his sister's bullying choices and me, knowing that he loves her since she's his sister, so I'd let him go as well as the band (before deciding in April 2019 that I was doing wrong by punishing him and the boys for what they didn't know had been done in their name and I should give them a chance to learn and make right the wrongs she'd done before they deserved to be lumped in the category of bully with her.)  That's when I started trying to stop his voice from being the one inside my inner space. And ever since my final straw "one last chance" for Delta Rae to fix what Delta Rae broke and did wrong  with the expiration date of the release of The Light, I've not heard him in my inner space. Most of the time, the songs I hear in my inner silence are Dave's singing and his songs. especially since Covid-19 lockdown and his weekly livestreams including incredibly new songs as he's working on them and finishing them about his current inner state.... I've been pretty consistently having Maybe Love's Enough, Hummingbird Love, How Will I Know I'm Ready, and the fan livestream group co-write garden song (which he used a LOT of my suggested phrasing and imagery in) repeating in my head. Especially when everything around me is silent. Especially as I'm falling asleep or waking up..... I think since March 20, the only handful of times it's been Eric's voice/songs are occasional lines of him wanting to reach me/find me or about him being strong enough to get there and fix this -- and only when Eric has been in such inner distress that it bleeds through despite the bond being shut down as impossible to reach me via it as I could achieve..... But mostly in my inner silence now, it's David's voice in lines saying he believes in love, asking his hummingbird love to stay not run away from him, and wanting to know when he'll be good enough for what he wants or know if she loves him in return and how only by trying will he find out.... Anyway. That's also worth knowing. That since the world shut down, it's been Dave's voice and lines echoing inside my inner spaces in my moments of silence where it used to always be Eric's....all this life it's been Eric's,  even before I heard his physical voice with my own ears.... That change now is uncharted territory.

Ack!  Been a hot minute since I last wrote here.  Sorry. I genuinely didn't mean to go silent here....  Didn't realize how much time had passed.  I've never been very good at measuring passage of time (unless I have music playing) because I'm in a rather constant state of flow this life.  And checking in on the signposts of flow of time is far harder for me with all the future fatelines of everyone and everything in such constant flux right now....

But I didn't mean to go quiet here.  I had something happen last Thursday that I ended up in the midst of that I've needed to process and haven't talked to anyone about....  I'm fine.  It just felt like the Universe questioning/testing me.  It dealt with a black family and physical domestic abuse that ended up loud in the parking lot/streets and drug abuse and a neighbor calling the cops and me asking of the Universe that IF the cops got called that their GPS misdirect them to our back lot (which has a fence doesn't connect to neighbors lots) where I was peacefully potting hot peppers so I could be buffer for them and then the cops DID come back there as I requested so I got to "cute barefoot white chick with her puppy who heard it but saw nothing" diffuse it from escalating and then after the cops left talk to the family a bit including the 5 year old little boy who loves dogs and got dropped off at his grandparents after his mom left but before the cops showed up....

No matter how I replay it,  I've not found any better thing I could have done in the moments and where I was.  And yet...... And yet I worry I did wrong for when the daughter/mom comes back and steals her family's rent money for drugs and one of her parents loses their temper physically beats her again over the spent/missing money.  I worry that by not being able to tell the cops which unit number and choosing to not be helpful as to which unit balcony the other family members who ran out to pull the two apart who were violent,  I am now complicit in whatever domestic abuse happens again....  And yet there's no way the cops inserting themselves into it could have done anything but make it worse - the cops actually seemed relieved when I told them that the young teens/20s female had got in her car and left so there was nothing for them to do other than write up their report.  And all of this just 3 days before the grandma's birthday....  (that came up randomly while talking to me.)

But who DO you call to try to get real help for that domestic battleground and the drug allegation dealt with for healing? I know not the cops, and thankfully their GPS misdirected them back behind our work building so I could buffer that diffuse it after a neighbor called,  but I don't know who could actually help heal that.... And.  I'm glad that none of it happened in front of the little boy.  He was so happy and sunbeaming loves dogs (all dogs) and so obviously the light in the eye of everyone in their family (except maybe the mom who left before the little boy arrived.)

So that's what I've been internally chewing on (as well as everything in the world.) Trying to figure out who to help and how to do it to heal the broken family dynamics that "calling the police" on a domestic call only makes worse....and social services would put the kid in foster care and the mom in jail for drugs and the grandparents/brothers into deep grieving loss for their loved ones ripped from the home. But then who to contact to ACTUALLY help heal it? How to build the right sort of group/coalition to fill that necessary role in a way that isn't punitive?

I don't have the answers yet....  But I can't let go of these questions.  And I know that we,  as a society,  we need that answer for how to serve and heal and help at the broken domestic level.  Burning down destroying what you have is easy - building something better on foundations to last is hard.  But we still need a clear vision of what/how to build to best protect/heal everyone....

So that's been on my mind for the last eight days now....questions of building better systems, of how to no longer fail the vulnerable.

And there is still more being dragged into the light to force accelerate the lessons of what needs healing, to push the young souls in their first 3 lives to choose,  "we refuse to accept the pain and greed and suffering and destruction of this paradigm." the year of perfect vision and literally every planet going through retrograde WILL drag it all out into the light to be faced.... We ain't even halfway through.....  Don't ask me to tell you what's still coming....  Yes I know what's still coming, but no I'll not talk about it here....  This is a heavy time to be playing Cassandra.... I'm forced to bear that burden,  but I don't need to lay it on others.

And more/continuing family drama has been going on in my own family surrounding my sparrow grandma's care and infighting due to showing true colors of 2 of my da's 3 siblings.....  This has been fairly constantly a weight on my heart since grandma's fall in December.....

O,  and.  Weds night at like 2am. Eric did finally break down through that inner bond and reach me again,  I  felt the rush of his love back into me via the third eye.  He does outstubborn even me when he's made up his mind on something, so I'm unsurprised he wore it down especially as I wasn't constantly reinforcing it any longer after he stopped desperately throwing himself against the sleep/block on the bond - but I don't know that either he or I knew he had the power to break through. It was the pounding waves of his sorrow and loss did it - I heard that flooding in before he realized he'd reached me and turned dazzlingly brightful of love and joy and hope.  I've done nothing to block him out or diminish it since it happened - he's been quite constantly reaching along the bond,  wrapping his love around me and strengthening/protecting the inner bond.  And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't make me happy or to pretend I want anything besides to snuggle into his love and let him feel again the intensity and flow of my love for him.

I don't intend to stop or harm the current flow in the bond.  Not until it starts to hurt me again to have any reminders of Eric or his band...that's when I'll be forced to think on it and put energy into making the hurt less by disabling the bond again somehow. But not yet.  It doesn't hurt me at all just yet.  So for now, even though I'll not run back to him or check in on him or his socials (what Eric's sister broke in October 2018 and he shattered completely end of August 2019 is for them to fix if they want - it's for the one who caused the pain and unjust ostracism and bullying to fix the injustices of their making; it's never for the victim to seek out the reconnection or apologize) but I also won't shut him out. Not until he is a source of more pain than good to me,  even via the bond. For now, it's back to a constant strong flow of love and strength and joy and desire along the bond between Eric's soul and mine.

More later....  It's the pre-sunrise now and I've still not slept at all.  And suddenly,  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I'm getting ready for bed now,  and sleeping just as soon as the sunrise is done.

My aunt and I went out for drinks after leaving grandma's house (I was bringing grandma back from an appointment and lunch -- my aunt was bringing groceries and planning to cook pasta for grandma that sounded really wonderful and I felt terrible because I hadn't known about her plans and Friday IS her day with grandma and she apparently missed that there was another appointment and this is the third Friday in a row of her appointments being scheduled on Fridays and I felt terrible about having accidentally been part of ruining Aunt Linda's plans. Especially after I heard about her morning. She told me she NEEDED a drink -- which is something I've never heard her say. So we went for a drink afterward before she went to have dinner with her friend Jeanne.)

Anyway. We were talking about Saturn returns (one of my cousins is going through her first Saturn return and one of my uncles is going through his second Saturn return.) And my aunt didn't ask me about my Saturn return because mine wasn't obvious....  but then, I have Saturn in Scorpio (I had Saturn in Scorpio last life as well) and it's in the 8th house in one of my stelliums -- so I wouldn't EXPECT it to have been anything but secretive.

Do you want to know what I did with my Saturn return back in November 2013? I'll tell you what I did with my Saturn return, but I don't know if you'll find it admirable...... I still think it more than any one person should wield, even someone with a chart like mine.....

So. Humanity has for a long time been driven in the wrong direction stuck in selfish paths and the karmic choices of humanity as a whole caused all of the oldest souls still reincarnating to determine that mankind as a vehicle for karmic cycles and growth was a failed experiment and it had to be terminated for the sake of this planet and all other species and the attempt at incarnations would have to wait to be restarted for another time/place in the Universe. This is a vote that had to be unanimous, and we all came to that conclusion -- even me.

But then, leading up to my Saturn return, I decided that this was fucking unfair. I could accept that us old souls had messed up somehow, too few of us and too standoffish and letting others learn their lessons by seizing power without righting the balance. And I could accept that all the souls in the middle of their incarnations had fallen into selfish venal exploitative patterns and were not growing or following their karmic purifications they required and thus DESERVED to be cancelled due to the choices they made. But what struck me as COMPLETELY unfair was that all of the young souls who were still in their very early incarnations had done NOTHING WRONG. You can't punish someone for what they haven't done and what they don't know yet know. And so I decided that was wrong.  And I managed to convince 2 other ancient souls to dissent with me about this fairness issue.

The problem is, MOST of the world's power is currently being held by the middle aged exploiatative souls refusing to learn and dealing only in personal selfishness. And while the old souls can call grand shifts like ending humanity or paradigm shifts, we don't seize temporal power unless we absolutely must and now is not a time for that.

So on November 8, 2013, I decided, "It's not fair to punish the youngest souls for what they don't know and the negative karma they have not accrued. We also can't give them the reins of judgement while they don't know.... I say we try one last thing to save humanity -- we call for the bringing to light of everything hidden and all the evils and exactly where they will lead. We will bring it all into the light and FORCE every single incarnating soul to look at it and pick a side. EVERYONE must choose -- BUT we will abdicate our own power to choose and guide and the ONLY votes that will get tallied and counted whether the path of healing in compassion is taken or the path of self-annihilation in greed are the choices of those who are within their first 3 lives of incarnating. They are the ones who don't deserve to be punished for the choices they never took part in. If the youngest souls in their first 3 incarnations choose the path of selfishness -- then we end humanity as planned. IF they choose they want to spend their incarnations choosing healing via compassion then we clear space for that choice. Everyone's choices will determine which path is chosen and then there must be a great culling -- because all of those who are middle aged who have chosen the course of selfishness are to be removed from this life and their positions of power/wealth and then they are not to be dealt back into the cycles of incarnation until the paradigm shift of the young souls and the old souls and everyone who chose the path of healing have rewritten the paradigm into something better. And then they can slowly be brought back into the cycles of incarnation, without overwhelming the system to learn what they need to learn to progress their karmic journeys without destroying all life on this planet. .this is not a full abnegation of our power or all the wisdom and karmic lessons we have learned to help guide and teach others for all time -- it is only an abnegation through the time of tearing away the veil, forcing the world to look at all the ugliness an in the fullness of knowledge make their choice.  After the choosing and then the stepping stone path to lead through to the culling and the paradigm shift, then karmic weight and the age of souls will reassert as it was originally designed."

And I got two other ancient souls to see my side and agree to try my completely chaotic last attempt at something just and fair -- giving the youngest souls full knowledge and making them see everything and then asking them to choose.So because the destruction of all humanity as a vehicle of incarnation requires a unanimous vote of all the ancient souls -- our 3 holdouts to try my one last experiment in the name of justice to shift every single future fate line.  When they couldn't end the cycle of incarnations, the other ancients one by one begrudgingly agreed to abdicate their own powers to guide the flows of fate lines and to allow my experiment to play out and see what it got us before the normal order as it was designed reasserted itself.

That's what I did with my Saturn return. I called forth EVERYTHING hidden and evil to be brought into the light and every single soul forced to face it. And then I abdicated the power of all the ancient wise souls and said everyone's choice MATTERS for their own personal karmc journeys/fates but ONLY the choices of souls in their first 3 lives shall determine the fate of humanity and the very paradigmatic fabric of society...... And i convinced 2 other ancients to hold out and agree with me in the name of justice and doing right by these youngest souls and we worked out a fair as possible course and once every one of the ancients said they would allow this last ditch try, it shifted EVERY fate line to force everything into the light.....

And I KNOW it's necessary, for the choice to be made in full knowledge, we're now cramming everything learned across lifetimes into the short time of choosing....  I KNOW everything must be dragged into the light and everyone must be forced to see it and CHOOSE with no pleas of ignorance.... But sometimes, it hurts and it weighs on my conscience that maybe every single one of these crux events of making EVERYONE experience and learn the lessons to make choices in full knowledge -- I wonder if I bear guilt for insisting we must tear away the veil and FORCE all of what was hidden under the politeness of society into the light and FORCE everyone to face it and choose a side..... I called for that, for the bringing it all into the light to be seen for what it is so that the youngest souls could accept or reject and to choose between healing via compassion or self-annihilation via greed. I made the choice to cause that shift and i demanded it of the Universe as the only fair way to decide between the revolution of the paradigm shift or the destruction of the virus/cancer humanity has become that is killing this host.

I still don't now if I chose aright when i changed up all the rules and all the fatelines in the name of fairness and justice and said, "Fuck it. Give them full knowledge of what this current path is and let the youngest souls choose to reject that path and even if it will be fucking hard will fight to open up a way to a new paradigm." But I couldn't bring myself to punish the innocent who hadn't racked up the karmic choices that got us to this fucked up place....   Oh, I know that I stacked the deck by insisting on within their first 3 lives -- they're still so close to spirit as union and as whole not individuated they haven't forgotten/lost their way back to it and they know enough to feel horrified by what middle aged souls cynically accept. And they're young enough to choose "destroy it all and let's build something better" and they don't have the karmic baggage weighing them down of what they need to learn/rectify....

So that's what I did with my Saturn return.... I called everything into the light for a time of choosing rather than condemning without that chance and then I gave up my own powers of choice to guide fatelines and all the rest of the ancients did too so that this could truly be a fair weighing of the souls of humanity......

Did I do right? I don't know. I hope I did. I feel the weight of everything that happens to bring all of the worst of it into the light as my fault -- even if I didn't do it, I called for it to br brought into the light for everyone to see and choose a side.... So i feel I bear some measure of guilt -- though maybe it would have still kept happening but nobody would have known...But there was no other way to be just and do right...

If I live to be 58, just to warn you, I have THREE dates of my second Saturn return 2042/2043.... (I was born the third time Saturn hit that specific astrological point after retrograding back into Scorpio across that point.)  Saturn is going to retrograde through Scorpio again during my second Saturn return and so it's going to hit my Saturn return 3 times during my second Saturn return... Dec 15, May 14, and Sep 12.

Imagine how much trouble I can get into having THREE Saturn returns during my second Saturn return after what I went and did with my first one..... (Let's be real, that's the paradigm reset when my and all the other ancient souls receive back our powers to guide fate lines not just read them.. I know it, you know it... You feel it... 2020 is the year where there is overlap between the time of choosing and the time of culling,it is the last chance to make your choices and pick a side and now is the time of learning your lessons and doing whatever shadow work you avoided while we're in the calm before the storm. (Trust me, we are definitely NOT yet in the storm. This is the time out to think about what you've done and to learn what you were avoiding learning before you're needed to be at your strongest and brightest as the real battle begins.) though enough votes are in and counted of the choosing that we're moving forward with the choice of healing via compassion and the massive revolution and destruction that happens before we get to build anew.... 2042 is when we set the new paradigm.)

Also. At that time, I changed the rules in that.... It used to be that for an unincarnated spirit to assist in cleansing/banishing/destroying a negative/vampiric unincarnated spirit, an incarnated spirit had to invoke/invite/propitiate. But there are too many uncleansed places where darkness breeds and too few of us who CURRENTLY have the training to cleanse it and we can't find them all. I bent the rules a bit to be able to have unincarnated spirits who volunteer on standby as "alread asked" to cleanse a space of all negative unincarnated beings who don't belong and pray on the incarnated by me simply encircling it. It's mae more work for me in actively seeking out and finding places that need cleansings -- but it's safer for me to encircle and mark it then for the direct confrontation and battle of using my body as conduit to the Light and the Universe for me to be the vehicle of it. less chance of me burning out this body by channeling too much power through it. There are older configurations of energy channeling that i remember, but I do not have enough who are trained for me to do it.... And there is a confrontation yet to be had with a very powerful nephilim who snuck in/through when I was 21 or so and who is wandering this world tempting and manipulating and effing things up and has tried to take me out before I grew into my own powers.... He only occasionally tries to find me -- but he's why I hide and protect my own energy signal unless you are near me or have ties to me directly. He is why if you seek me via astral/dream space by seeking out my energy you own't find me -- you can only find me by following your own inner karmic bond to me or by me allowing you in and the goddess agreeing with my judgement.....

Incidentally, the Goddess has always kept a VERY close eye on me and protected and guided me, and I do also have a personal guardian angel and he's quite powerful. But it was AFTER I changed the rules that the hawk god and the raven god started keeping such a close protective watch on me. It is rare to ever find me not under the protection and close watch of The Goddess and the Hawk God since 2013....

I'm a spark of chaotic good and I always serve ma'at -- in my own way.  But even for me, what i did rewriting those rules and demanding the universe bring everything into the light and force people to choose a side once they KNOW is a big fucking deal.... One that almost nobody knows except the ancient scattered souls who have given up their power to guide fatelines while we're navigating this time of choosing and the time of culling.....

Did I do right though?  Was it right of me to demand everything that requires healing be brought into the light,  everyone forced to face it and choose which side they're on,  and then allow the youngest souls with no karmic baggage in making these messes to get to choose the fate lines for the hard path of healing or the easy life path of continued greed?  Did I do right in finding the stepping stone path and saying it wouldn't be fair to condemn the innocents who took no part in the choices that created them without offering them the chance to change?

Well, some nights I wish that this all would end, 'Cause I could use some friends for a change. And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again, Some nights I always win. I always win. But I still wake up, I still see your ghost. Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh. What do I stand for? What do I stand for? Most nights I don't know anymore....The other night you wouldn't believe the dream, I just had about you and me. I called you up but we'd both agreed, It's for the best you didn't listen. It's for the best we get our distance. Oh. It's for the best you didn't listen. It's for the best we get our distance.

After I'd slept, I realized when I woke up what had brought on that sudden bout of saudade that had me crying and was also, serendipitously, when i started hearing that off and on muffled music within my inner space.

It was after I'd looked through my Facebook memories. And one of them I'd reread was how 2 years ago was when i awoke from the continuation/shift in the recurring polar bear dream that had been plaguing me for most of late 2017 and first half of 2018. (the original dream was the one where the polar bear, the eagle, and the lioness were plucking out their fur/feathers, claws, and teeth/canines to try to fit in with a pod of seals that kept making excuses for why those things were bad for being with seals but was also the three of them intentionally choosing to remove everything that protected them, defined them, and allowed them to eat.  After they leapt in the water, the seals turned on them and savagely attacked them, left scars and the three had nothing to defend themselves after willfully removing their own defenses that were also their defining identity. The eagle was rescued by an albatross whose nest he curled up into. And the lioness got saved when exhausted at the last minute as she was drowning by a dolphin who held her up above water and took her to warmer waters and a distant shore. But the polar bear was dying of hypothermia, all alone. And i was watching all of it from the top of a cliff behind a fairy wrought glamour/barrier that protected my wandering in the woods. In the original dream, I stayed silent and watched the bear die. night after night. He always died when i watched in silence. Finally one night it was too much and I screamed because i was so upset over the polar bear continuously dying of hypothermia and he heard me even though he couldn't see me unless I went beyond the glamour when I'd tell him to get out of the water before he died. He did always hear me if i spoke, though he didn't always listen. Sometimes he used the sound of my screaming to reach shore and sometimes still drowned of hypothermia because he didn't have the energy to believe/trust the scream meant getting out of the cold water he'd jumped into after removing all his fur and claws.  In the original dream, he couldn't get past the fairy glamour, nor could he see me. But he trusted me when I told him to stay right by the border of the wall he couldn't pass, and then I built a fairy fire between us from my side of the glamour to warm us both.  the more times I had the dream and chose to yell at him not to drown, the more consistently the polar bear trusted me and would save himself come to shore -- til eventually he would remember me and swim to shore as soon as he'd realized the mistake he made -- not try to stick it out and nearly die of hypothermia in what should have been his natural home if he hadn't removed his fur to try to fit in with the seals.)

Anyway, May 20 (curiously enough, Dave's birthday) was the day that the polar bear dream finally continued/altered.

(The only editing I did to the screen cap was to erase my last name and erase the names of th epoeple who liked/loved that post on my facebook.)

It was thinking about the polar bear and the polar bear dreams, all of them, and specifically the one I was talking about in the above post that thinned the veil covering the bond to keep it as quiet and inaccessible as possible. It's what brought closer what I've been shutting out. Close enough to hear the music again and know if I just opened the door I closed in August on my side, everything in the bond would be back loud and clear and strong as ever.

That's what triggered my emotions and how close and easy for him to almost reach me it was last night. The reminder like that of the polar bear dreams making me relive that one. I'm in better control again now than I was last night. I just hadn't expected that reminder of how in my vision dream, the polar bear had gotten so upset about being on the wrong side of the glamour that made it so he was unable to reach me or even see me........

[Post Title: Lyrics to the song Some Nights by fun.]

Damnit...  I hate when I can hear phantom music that isn't here...... Like,  it's a long physical distance away, so I only hear it in my inner space not with my ears,  but in my inner space it's like the music is right in the next room and it would be clear as day if I just open the door between the inner spaces.

O.  And,  I didn't talk about Britt or Liz's voice timbre colors last post.... That wasn't a slight,  I've talked about them before.  They're both quite uniquely pretty.  It's just neither of them had anything to do with the differences in color between the two brothers I was talking about how I couldn't imagine ever confusing their voices given I can only hear them with my synesthesia. (sometimes,  my color-timbre synesthesia makes hearing music a Heaven of the most magical beautiful dancing play of light and color I've ever experienced - and sometimes it makes music a living Hell I cannot escape like with country vocal twang, pitchy vocals, and out of tune instruments...)

I can explain more about the colors of the girls voices if you'd like, they really are/were beautiful.  Just not right now - I'm tiiiiired going to bed early after spending the afternoon til sunset working in my garden at work.  And for some reason,  my left eye keeps crying a single tear and it's breaking my heart,  but I don't know what it is or why hitting me that way.... So I'm gonna curl up to sleep instead til this saudade passes.....

Also.  I do miss the color and quality of light in hearing Eric sing....  Even other voices with timbres like light to my synesthesia aren't quite the same,  I've never heard one quite like his before or since.

I know he's always been told he sounds like Ian's voice and people can't tell them apart,  but that's because they're listening for differences in how notes are sustained (and they are similar) not the overtones in their individual timbres.  But I hear timbres as colors due to my synesthesia and voices are quite diversely distinct. Even if they sustain and modulate the same,  the subtleties of timbres make them different color/light/texture patterns to me.   Usually voices of people related are similar in some qualities, it's why blood relative harmonies blend so pleasantly - but they're rarely identically colored timbres because the overtones differ due to physical differences.  Ian's voice is also full of a white light, but there's a green cast in the light and in his lowest notes it's the color of that first earliest chartreuse greening the very tips of the tiniest new tree leaves. Ian's voice may not have the power of his siblings - but it's the only one of the three that inherently evokes colors of life and new growth.

Eric's voice is gold tinged white light, like morning sunbeams during the golden hour after sunrise.  Or like crepuscular rays. It's why his voice works so well both with piano (which is the colors of moonlight on deep water) AND acoustic guitar (backlit greens like sunlit leaves,  though nylon strings or classical guitars or ones with very beautiful upper tones are more golden til some are barely green at all in really high end nylon strung classical Spanish guitars) but Ian's voice works best with the focus on the guitar and only splashes of piano as highlights.

But anyway,  I miss the color of Eric's voice a lot.  And yes I can play it inside my head,  I can replay most timbres in modulations/harmonics I've heard, I don't let myself voluntarily do it since late August 2019 and I try to turn it off or drown it out with other timbres til it stops playing in my head whenever my subconscious raises that ghost of him in my memory.  But I do miss his voice....  Nobody else's timbre has ever sounded so much of morning sunlight in his lowest tones and starlight in his falsetto....  Nobody else.

Dave's timbres are blues and greens, clear and pure as clean water, like light shining through a sapphire in his lowest tones and light through an emerald in his head voice and light through peridot in his highest falsetto nearly outside his range.  Beautiful flawless jewel tones of blues and teals and greens, but it's not the same beauty as morning light beams and starshine....

And I do miss just how enchantingly beautiful and full of light the timbres of Eric's voice..... I wish I could let me listen to it without being overwhelmed drowning in hurt and loss and sorrow,  but I can't yet.  Even his songs I loved best I can't listen to at this time.  I miss them,  but for now they'd just make my hurting worse.

Worth knowing:

Just because I acknowledge how upset and hurt I was and still am over Eric's choices and that sometimes the fact i had to let him go makes me cry, it doesn't mean I've changed at all in my evaluation of the situation or my own choices in response to let him go to pursue whatever it is he seeks for his happiness and that I'm going to heal myself by choosing to accept Dave's love and allow my own love for him to flourish.  I'm still going to choose Dave for my own sake at this time in this life and how intensely uncomplicatedly happy he makes me just by being himself and who he is in this life. And that's 100% a choice made as effect to the consequences of Eric's choices/actions.

That wasn't a one time back in August selling out of his ethics issue. It happens over and over, every time he posts content on the Delta Rae Instagram account while I'm blocked there for having been honest - it's an EVERY time he does it his choices are causing damage to the bond between our souls issue.... EVERY.  FUCKING.  TIME.

and the direct effect of his every Friday choice is the equivalent of him shutting me and Dave in a room just us and locking the door.  Eric's choices regarding putting content exclusively on the Delta Rae Instagram account is literally Eric throwing me into Dave's arms.  Every.  Fucking.  Week.

You need to understand that.

Because part of what made me talk about it at all last night/this morning is the pain inside me EVERY time Eric chooses to double down on his past choices to go live or use in any function the Delta Rae band account on Instagram, from which I was blocked for being honest that the country music was painful enough to my synesthesia for me to not attend any further Delta Rae concerts while country music is any part of the band identity (look it up under blocked accounts if you don't believe me, though I can screen cap what it look s like to me if you want. You'll find infinitefacets listed there as blocked) AND even after the country music was removed as an obstacle Eric chose, of his own free will, to ignore me telling him directly why him  choosing to go live exclusively on the band account WHILE fans had been blocked for being honest was an ethics issue. Anyway, EVERY time he goes live on the band account, it causes me pain. Physical pain. It burns in the bond like fire or acid on your skin or the way anyone with the redhead gene like me feels novocain and lidocain  burning along the nerves....It burns and burns and burns everywhere that those nerves are linked..... And that's how it is along the bond between us EVERY time Eric logs in to the Delta Rae official band account on Instagram, especially when he goes live, with that block still enforced never dealt with - it burns along the bond that way and it hurts inside me as he doubles down on that choice. EVERY fucking Friday, I have to spend the entire afternoon/evening steeling myself against the pain of his choices WITHOUT having any damn idea what the hell he's doing, just knowing that it's become a pattern with him that somehow he's doubling down on the bad choices that are inherently wrong and cruel by him going live on the band's instagram account....

And there's nothing I can do to shut out the pain of his choices. No more than I can turn off the death sight before I take my dog on a walk. Gods-given gifts to priestesses don't work that way. We don't propitiate for them, we don't have rituals to invoke them -- they're just a part of us same as breathing.

And EVERY fucking Friday, whatever it is he's choosing to do on Friday nights, Eric reaffirms in me, after the burning nerve pain inside the bond fades, why I need to let him go  and turn towards the love Dave has for me.  I don't even know what the fuck Eric DOES on the band's Instagram account on Fridays, all I know is how badly it burns and hurts within the bond every time he does it.....

And if I could, if Odin himself (who I still don't trust at all and never will) came to me on a Friday offering to cut out that bond for all time so it could never hurt me again, as he has offered before this, I'd take him up on it to stop the pain of Eric's choices. EVERY. Fucking. Friday....

Also.  Times when I am forcibly reminded how wyrd I am,  all the gifts within me and on both sides of my family,  the separation from Eric becomes harder and I question if Dave CAN accept me as I am.  I know it's not fair without letting him see the gifts decide for himself - but being dazzled by the light in me and the magic I exude isn't the same as accepting the gifts as fact,  y'know?

I mean,  to list some of the more obvious ones:
~Empath
~Telepath
~Broadcaster of my emotions/thoughts so they literally alter the energy of everyone surrounding me
~Precogs (both immutable and contingent)
~Time flow control/flux
~Past Life Memories
~Electrical/wifi/cell signal/lights blowing put/speaker/amp/mic/computer issues when I lose control of my emotions.  Especially when I get angry.
~vision dreams
~shared dream spaces
~wild animals are tame around me
~excessively green thumb
~food multiplies when I cook if I'm cheerful while cooking
~can take away pain and accelerate healing
~the dead seek me out to return them to the light
~I fight noncorporeal unincarnated negative energy entities and clean out malevolent/vampiric spirits who prey on the incarnated
~I can cleanse and bless anywhere that needs it so negative energy or entities may not enter it (I actually won't sleep anywhere I haven't done this)
~I have strong affinities with and get visited by strong old gods and goddesses - with an intensely close relationship with The Goddess
~karma is immediate and exacting in my presence or of anything I observe.  Both good and bad.

And those are just the gifts that I can't easily hide...

And the truth is,  between past life memories of me,  what he's experienced for himself,  what he's observed,  and his willingness to gather more information before deciding something is "impossible" Eric accepting and being capable of loving not fearing all those aspects of me (and likely any children I have) was never problematic.... He's someone I've always known could take me as I am,  all the wyrd gifts in me and all,  and love me qua me without me ever having to hide or downplay any of it..... And that is so fucking rare.  You have no idea how fucking rare that is.... Or how desperately I need it....

It's such a massive part of why I'm so perpetually single - it's not just because I spent so long waiting for Eric to find me this life.  That was part of it,  before things got so fucked up it.  But there's no reason I couldn't have dated to entertain myself while waiting.  I've done it before,  in past lives and in my college years when I decided I should test if I was right about what I wanted for me was waiting on.  I'd rather be comfortably alone than with someone who required me hiding or denying aspects of myself.

As for Dave though,  he doesn't know about all of how I'm wyrd. He is a soul full of kindness and compassion and loyalty - but that's not the same as accepting or being okay with my gifts.  He knows some of them,  all 4 of those Irish boys have called me a fairy child as well as a happy puppy. His brother Martin has unprompted called me an empath, with great affection, both to my face and to other people. They know how my emotions and light affect and transform a crowd - they have straight out told me that no matter how desperately they need merch help , anyone can do that but they want me as close to the stage as possible to work my special magic on the crowd because only I can do that.  Dave has straight out said if it were possible,  they'd want me in the front at every gig to magic transform the crowd to be full of light and joy, not only because it centers and fuels them, but also so every show and every audience could have that experience.

They also know about my synesthesia,  me responding to unverbalized thoughts,  what electronics do if I get too hangry or actively irritated,  and the way plants and animals react to me.

And all these things Dave and his brother Martin and his band brothers Enda & Fergal already accept and love about me.  But. They were all raised Irish Catholic. I don't believe any of them are practicing Catholics, but both Christians who believe in Christ the Savior AND atheists have a hard time accepting everything about me....  My own sister,  an atheist,  sees all spirituality as delusions and except in moments of crisis she sees I'm deadly serious no time to argue and she remembers how my "subconscious intuition" has saved her life before, thinks all my "gifts" to just be delusions,  coincidence, and correlation without causation.

I know that I can't know which of the gifts and aspects of my nature David will accept/love or worse what he might reject til I trust him with my truths and see how he reacts.... It's just,  Eric is one of the only people ever this life outside my family and a handful of close friends/family friends where I never even had to question his acceptance/love of my wyrdness and gifts or have the anxiety of rejection/fear response to my gifts or question,  "what point in dating do you tell someone these things and what's the best way and in what order?"

And despite all the mistakes and messes and fuckups between Eric and me, the release of all that weight from me knowing he'd accept and love all those aspects of me just exactly as I am,  me qua me,  was so freeing and heady.... And right now,  I miss that lack of anxiety about my gifts being accepted so desperately. I miss knowing someone unconditionally loves me and accepts all my gifts, not just the most palatable magic and light in me, in such a whole complete unquestioning unwavering way that I never felt I needed to hide any of my truth from him..... That's so fucking rare.  And I miss it so fucking much.....  And it's not that I know Dave can't love me and my gifts that way - it's just that I don't yet know if he can.

And I always knew Eric could and still does.  Ignoring everything else that's gone awry,  I have always known and he has never once in all our lifetimes (including this one) given me reason to doubt or question his acceptance and love of me in full knowledge of my gifts and wyrder aspects. And that is so priceless beyond measure.... And letting go of that dream of getting to keep and cherish that love/acceptance from Eric of all my aspects has been one of the hardest things of all for me in battling myself to accept and let him go to find the happiness he has chosen for his life....  I have cried myself to sleep over it so many times now and it still guts me makes me curl up in the fetal position and sob over losing that just exactly the same as it hit me in October 2018 when Britt made her choices and acted out on them on the band's instagram account and created this whole fucked up fateline for Eric and me that he chose to follow back in late August 2019..... It never stops hurting.  Loss and grief and letting go never STOP hurting,  you just make yourself go on ignoring the missing piece of you and try to find the joy in what remains in your life......  But it never stops hurting,  you just get used to that hurt and emptiness as being a part of you now.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road. Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why. It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life

On Weds, The Republican controlled state Supreme Court and Republican controlled state legislature just struck down our state's safer at home order saying the Democratic governor  state health services over-reached in instituting it (though a minority of the Republicans said the over-reach was in the renewal, not the original order) and literally the next night the bars all over the state were packed with no masks and in many of them,  esp in MAGA territories, no social distancing......And the governor and the health services literally have no legal recourse now for passing ordinances to protect the citizenry from this disease or any other after these state Supreme Court decisions.... It's the exact same thing that happened with our primary elections still being held in person -- followed by the mass voter suppression in Milwaukee (where the typical 183 polling places was reduced to 5 for a city of 200k people) and up in Green Bay. Which pissed people off so badly that it actually got democrats out in a primary which is historically rare and so the republicans actually lost that court seat as a direct result.... (state Supreme Court in Wisconsin is a 10 year position voted in, not an executive branch assigned position.)

Dane County, where Madison is, moved quickly to pass county ordinances to maintain the safer at home orders til May 26 when the current orders would expire. So I have a breathing space window of sanity here in Madison. And Madison is "78 square miles surrounded by reality" progressive bastion in the middle of the mostly conservative small towns state -- without college students being back nobody's reopening bars/restaurants here yet outside of curbside pickup, $3 growler fills for charities at local breweries before their beer on tap goes bad, and pop-up beer trucks for curbside pickup in church lots.  The rest of the state? Not so much. The Brown County rules (similar to Dane County) to keep it in effect were struck down by their appellate Court as over-reach after lobbying from the tavern league so Green Bay where they have massive numbers of cases once more has reopened bars/restaurants with no rules. They're already seeing numbers of cases spiking and we haven't even hit the typical incubation periods for the virus....


It's a shit show. And it's even on unilad, making our state and gerrymandered Republican control and the harm it causes the actual laughing stock of the world over this.... And yeah, they're choosing it for themselves -- nobody says just because the restrictions are lifted you HAVE to go out to crowded bars. But Darwinism doesn't work that way. And party town areas and vacation destinations are always going to be filled with people who are stupid and desperate and don't think it could happen to them.

Wisconsin Dells (in Sauk County) has reopened their indoor waterparks and hotels and putt putt golf courses and plan to open all of them for the tourist season after Memorial Day. With no social distancing restrictions or use of masks required (at a water park?! That's as impossible as at the beach if you're going near/in the water) and that means that the FIBs will be coming up like they do every summer and 90/94 takes them right past/through Madison on their way to the Dells.

Despite all the closures/cancellations of concerts, Farmer's Market, music festivals, theater seasons, restaurants/bars remaining closed in Madison proper, etc. so people won't have as many REASONS to stop in Madison, they'll still be going back and forth bringing it right through and they will be stopping often enough for it to be a problem....

And as an empath precog with the death sight among her gifts, existence and consciousness have been difficult these last few days.  Incredibly exhausting, especially on Weds as the fatelines for so many swirled and shifted so rapidly. Weds was hard.... So fucking exhausting.... I went to bed at like 3:30 in the afternoon and just slept through the worst of it, for like 12 hours, because it was draining my energy reserves so fast that literally just trying to stand I was wavering in place unsteady like I was going to keel over.

So far, I've not seen the inner light snuffed out or flickering in anyone in my family and close friends group.... But like I said, my county is still under sane healthcare laws unlike the rest of the state.  And it will be just a matter of time.

This is going to make taking my dog on walks, especially now the weather is getting summery, not only dangerous as too many people are out and about to properly social distance but also painful again the way it was in late March where even grocery shopping or taking the dog out meant encountering people whose life-force was already snuffed out or flickering..... (Snuffed out = past the point where any power can hold body and soul together this life. Flickering means it MAY go out in the next 2-4 weeks, but there are still choices that can be made to prevent it being snuffed out. This happens with many diseases, with travel decisions -- I've literally saved people from death by shifting their timelines for hitting the road leaving me -- and suicide ideations/attempts.) And while having the death sight means I can protect myself and anyone who is with me will listen to me about it to avoid too close contact with them (this is how witches and mediums and everyone with the second sight have always had such high survival rates of plagues, by use of the death sight and by avoiding things that truncate their personal fate line  -- as long as the mobs don't kill us for not getting sick the way everyone else does) even when they're strangers I don't know at all it still HURTS to see people walking about blithely unaware they're going to die and nothing can save them.... And it hurts even worse in times of plague/pandemic to know how many others they're going to kill because of their ignorance, apathy, or selfishness when there are no longer sane rules to mitigate their unknown spread/contact with others.....

And then, dying from covid-19, or even just getting a severe case of it you somehow kick but have longterm health consequences, is NOT a pleasant or easy death.... It's not one I'd wish on anyone.... It's a cruel painful way to go.  Just because you believe in reincarnation and remember your own past lives and shake out past life memories of other people when they're around you, that doesn't mean you believe in torture, pain, and cruelty... Every life must end, same as every death leads to a new life (unless you ascend out of the incarnation cycles) and that's the way it is. No life within the karma-ruled incarnating cycle is infinite, they all have a time limit on the physical body. But there are good deaths and bad deaths, times it's necessary to die and times it's unnecessary....  Covid-19 is a bad death and in the majority of cases it's unnecessary you die by such suffering....

Just because you can see things that are inevitable before they happen doesn't mean you have any power to stop them or change people's choices. Even if you try to warn them, it doesn't mean they'll listen before the window of opportunity to avoid the unnecessary suffering is past... If people listen, then you look crazy as the threat never materializes -- but if you can't shift their choices, then by the time they want to listen it's too late to actually do anything.... It's part of the curse of Cassandra. And it's as much a problem at a socio-political level as it is on the individual level....

It's a hard time to be an empath precog with the death sight..... And all I want is to disappear to a small self-sufficient cabin deep in the woods with a garden and all my books and some fur babies and bee hives and music and be a complete recluse with no going out into the greater world to have to see so many willfully following the piping of the reaper and leading so many others down that same road of unnecessary pain and death..... If I can't save or heal humanity from this sort of stupidity, selfishness, and suffering then I'd like to turn complete hermit witch.....

I don't want to have to be in the middle of humanity bearing witness to all the unnecessary greed driven torturous deaths..... Not while there's nothing I can do to mitigate the suffering....

It's not something I have the means to make reality at this time in this life but that's what I would like more than anything else right now -- if you could just hide me away somewhere self-sufficient in the middle of the woods where I don't have to feel all the suffering all around me as if it were my own and don't need to see the lights all smoldering or flickering in people with my death sight I can't turn off.  It's a terrible time to be an empath precog with the death sight, even if it gives you the means to always save your own skin as long as the ignorant mobs and evangelical Christian zealots don't come after you to burn you this time around.

[post title: lyrics to the Green Day song Good Riddance]

I set to private draft the last post. Not because I minded being forthright about how improbably balanced and focused my chart is or about my stelliums or about having my north node and chiron conjunct in the same 3rd house making me a dragon healer via communication/thoughts/ideas but split across two different signs for some greater nuance as to my karmic path of healing being in Taurus while my wound that needs healing being in Gemini.

None of that bothered me.  It's just that,  well,  there are things beyond natal charts that can be figured out from knowing both a birth time and location and identity theft is real.  Call that my practical Capricorn moon coming out as the moon moved into Capricorn again,  lol.  😉

If you saw it or analyzed my chart,  I don't mind as I've chosen a path of brazen painful honesty with myself and others for this life.  It won't tell you anything about me I wouldn't tell you straight out if you asked me or deserved to be told/reminded. Just please don't use it for malicious things like identity theft,  k?  You really don't want the karma that would heap on you and I really don't want to clean up the mess of it.... Thanks!

*sigh* It's always hardest to shut out the strong pull of Eric's hurting as the full moon approaches.  I don't know why,  I just know is.

I know it's just a little longer til we reach full moon and then it will lessen,  the intensity of the bond pulling my heart strings will wane as the moon wanes.  But tonight he's hurting and all I want to do is wrap my love around him and console that pain he's feeling. In spite of everything. I know it's a bad idea,  with everything so broken and poisoned between us it would be a promise that can't be fulfilled at this time.  But still it's what I always want to do,  whenever I feel how he's hurting inside....

Because I do still love him - despite all the broken trust and pain and letting him go so we can learn our lessons to heal these things that are now broken between us.  Despite all those things,  the love between us is still there,  as strong unwavering as ever.  The love that's there is WHY it hurts so.

And the fact I can't/won't give him the comfort of enfolding him in my love right now,  that just makes the hurt worse... On both of us....but giving in to that desire is a bad idea,  it wouldn't solve anything and could even set back our healing for a momentary relief.  But still I want to ease his hurting. And that feeling is only going to get worse over the next hours.... The full moon is complete at 5:45am. So these next several hours will be the worst.  (til next month)