Ack!  Been a hot minute since I last wrote here.  Sorry. I genuinely didn't mean to go silent here....  Didn't realize how much time had passed.  I've never been very good at measuring passage of time (unless I have music playing) because I'm in a rather constant state of flow this life.  And checking in on the signposts of flow of time is far harder for me with all the future fatelines of everyone and everything in such constant flux right now....

But I didn't mean to go quiet here.  I had something happen last Thursday that I ended up in the midst of that I've needed to process and haven't talked to anyone about....  I'm fine.  It just felt like the Universe questioning/testing me.  It dealt with a black family and physical domestic abuse that ended up loud in the parking lot/streets and drug abuse and a neighbor calling the cops and me asking of the Universe that IF the cops got called that their GPS misdirect them to our back lot (which has a fence doesn't connect to neighbors lots) where I was peacefully potting hot peppers so I could be buffer for them and then the cops DID come back there as I requested so I got to "cute barefoot white chick with her puppy who heard it but saw nothing" diffuse it from escalating and then after the cops left talk to the family a bit including the 5 year old little boy who loves dogs and got dropped off at his grandparents after his mom left but before the cops showed up....

No matter how I replay it,  I've not found any better thing I could have done in the moments and where I was.  And yet...... And yet I worry I did wrong for when the daughter/mom comes back and steals her family's rent money for drugs and one of her parents loses their temper physically beats her again over the spent/missing money.  I worry that by not being able to tell the cops which unit number and choosing to not be helpful as to which unit balcony the other family members who ran out to pull the two apart who were violent,  I am now complicit in whatever domestic abuse happens again....  And yet there's no way the cops inserting themselves into it could have done anything but make it worse - the cops actually seemed relieved when I told them that the young teens/20s female had got in her car and left so there was nothing for them to do other than write up their report.  And all of this just 3 days before the grandma's birthday....  (that came up randomly while talking to me.)

But who DO you call to try to get real help for that domestic battleground and the drug allegation dealt with for healing? I know not the cops, and thankfully their GPS misdirected them back behind our work building so I could buffer that diffuse it after a neighbor called,  but I don't know who could actually help heal that.... And.  I'm glad that none of it happened in front of the little boy.  He was so happy and sunbeaming loves dogs (all dogs) and so obviously the light in the eye of everyone in their family (except maybe the mom who left before the little boy arrived.)

So that's what I've been internally chewing on (as well as everything in the world.) Trying to figure out who to help and how to do it to heal the broken family dynamics that "calling the police" on a domestic call only makes worse....and social services would put the kid in foster care and the mom in jail for drugs and the grandparents/brothers into deep grieving loss for their loved ones ripped from the home. But then who to contact to ACTUALLY help heal it? How to build the right sort of group/coalition to fill that necessary role in a way that isn't punitive?

I don't have the answers yet....  But I can't let go of these questions.  And I know that we,  as a society,  we need that answer for how to serve and heal and help at the broken domestic level.  Burning down destroying what you have is easy - building something better on foundations to last is hard.  But we still need a clear vision of what/how to build to best protect/heal everyone....

So that's been on my mind for the last eight days now....questions of building better systems, of how to no longer fail the vulnerable.

And there is still more being dragged into the light to force accelerate the lessons of what needs healing, to push the young souls in their first 3 lives to choose,  "we refuse to accept the pain and greed and suffering and destruction of this paradigm." the year of perfect vision and literally every planet going through retrograde WILL drag it all out into the light to be faced.... We ain't even halfway through.....  Don't ask me to tell you what's still coming....  Yes I know what's still coming, but no I'll not talk about it here....  This is a heavy time to be playing Cassandra.... I'm forced to bear that burden,  but I don't need to lay it on others.

And more/continuing family drama has been going on in my own family surrounding my sparrow grandma's care and infighting due to showing true colors of 2 of my da's 3 siblings.....  This has been fairly constantly a weight on my heart since grandma's fall in December.....

O,  and.  Weds night at like 2am. Eric did finally break down through that inner bond and reach me again,  I  felt the rush of his love back into me via the third eye.  He does outstubborn even me when he's made up his mind on something, so I'm unsurprised he wore it down especially as I wasn't constantly reinforcing it any longer after he stopped desperately throwing himself against the sleep/block on the bond - but I don't know that either he or I knew he had the power to break through. It was the pounding waves of his sorrow and loss did it - I heard that flooding in before he realized he'd reached me and turned dazzlingly brightful of love and joy and hope.  I've done nothing to block him out or diminish it since it happened - he's been quite constantly reaching along the bond,  wrapping his love around me and strengthening/protecting the inner bond.  And I'm too tired to pretend it doesn't make me happy or to pretend I want anything besides to snuggle into his love and let him feel again the intensity and flow of my love for him.

I don't intend to stop or harm the current flow in the bond.  Not until it starts to hurt me again to have any reminders of Eric or his band...that's when I'll be forced to think on it and put energy into making the hurt less by disabling the bond again somehow. But not yet.  It doesn't hurt me at all just yet.  So for now, even though I'll not run back to him or check in on him or his socials (what Eric's sister broke in October 2018 and he shattered completely end of August 2019 is for them to fix if they want - it's for the one who caused the pain and unjust ostracism and bullying to fix the injustices of their making; it's never for the victim to seek out the reconnection or apologize) but I also won't shut him out. Not until he is a source of more pain than good to me,  even via the bond. For now, it's back to a constant strong flow of love and strength and joy and desire along the bond between Eric's soul and mine.

More later....  It's the pre-sunrise now and I've still not slept at all.  And suddenly,  I can barely keep my eyes open.  I'm getting ready for bed now,  and sleeping just as soon as the sunrise is done.