So, I just looked at my Llewellyn's pocket calendar as I switched it over to next week (I never check my digital calendar, anything that goes into it sifts out my brain like a sieve unless I write it out by hand) and I definitely laughed at myself with a bit of chagrin. Because you know what happened in the early hours morning of Saturday? The moon went from Gemini which devils advocate asks all sorts of questuons to void before moving into Cancer. And do you know who has their natal moon in Capricorn (opposite Cancer) and turns VERY defensive easily hurt (and hurts herself) turns all protective shell and claws so as not to be hurt where they don't feel safe/supported? This bitch right here. 

I think I have mentioned this before, I find that for me personally, my inner emotional tides and drives are more sensitive to which SIGN the moon is in than which PHASE the moon is in....  Doesn't actually matter about my menstrual cycle hormones, just literally EVERY time the moon moves into Cancer I get easily injured even by my own overthinking which makes me defensive retreat inward to not be hurt.... It's like when you're hangry and don't realize what an irrationally short tempered heinous reactionary version of yourself you were being until after you eat and then you just feel awful about it but damage was done, but this is me being  over sensitive defensive retreating behind the wall EVERY time the moon is in Cancer.... Historically, it's been the time of the moon I'm most likely to pull away from him or push him out from reaching me. I need a "wash your hair and tell me it ain't curly" or "eat a Snickers because you're not yourself when you're hangry" thing to remind me not to listen to any damn fool insecure thing my brain tells me when the moon goes void then moves into and through Cancer.... (Also my advice is just stay in a place of love extra reassurance and wait for me to figure out how to right my own internal rocking the boat -- luckily moon changes signs every 2.5 days or so and it's only a short little while I might be easily injured even if it's only my own mind/heart hurting me and get defensive as a result. I mean, you could be more blunt tough love and I'd deserve it because ain't no fun dealing with that sort of overthinking defensive feeling attacked -- but also it's just that I'm over sensitive and crabby defensive overthinking things while the moon is in Cancer...)  Also, it's actually quite funny to me that while the moon was in Cancer, a water sign, my way back to balance from that overthinking questioning wobble was literally to go stand in running water and cleanse myself, inside and out, to recenter call myself out on the self-defensive mechanisms I was falling prey to.

And I literally JUST recognized and realized that about my behaviors.... Sorry. I'm not my best self when the moon is in Cancer.... Need to go soak in some water to re-center.

That said. I do think there's something important for the healing of me coming to the realization about the root of all those questions sniping at me is fear that maybe I'm not what he actually wants for his life -- and there's some shadow work healing I need to do regarding the place in me that fear resides and gains strength enough to self-sabotage me.  I recognize that when you care deeply, the risk of falling into anxiety or fear of the opposite happening is always the shadow of the light -- but also you always have a choice if you want to feed the shadow or feed the light of what's inside you. I recognize that I only fear it because it's the exact antithesis of everything I WANT to be true -- but that doesn't mean I need to give it strength to take over and self sabotage by treating that fear as if it IS truth..... And I should be mindful that the shadow side of what I WANT to be true will grow if I feed it.  I don't expect I can get that shadow work accomplished and pull the thought out of me ENTIRELY until I ACTUALLY know his truth, one way or the other, but I can still treat the thoughts/fears/questions that are born from that shadow as weeds that need to be dug out of the garden every time they show up so they don't choke out the seeds trying to grow. Y'know? I didn't LIKE having those questions surfacing up inside me and I'm certain ain't nobody liked knowing they were bubbling up from that central fear defensiveness against being hurt -- but also I do think acknowledging it and doing the mental work of looking it straight on to pull it out when I see it is the way to handle it when it comes out. At least for now, until I can have a firmer foundation as to what he ACTUALLY feels/desires. 

But also. Moon in Cancer... dang son.... Makes me get overthinking defensive self sabotaging. Every time. EVERY time. Ain't you or anything you've done, it's just a me thing. EVERY time...  I need to learn to see the pattern and bop myself on the nose short circuit that type of defensive overthinking from fear early then make me go soak in water, be it a shower or dancing in the rain or taking a bath/hot tub/pool, until I level out again. Maybe just like, preemptively book me a rainstorm or some fresh falling snow or run me a bath or make a hot tub date or a visit to the beach/pool/spa for a swim soak whenever the moon will be in Cancer. Just like, proactively do that. You can find ways to make it look sweet and thoughtful, but also recognize it's just self care making it easier on everyone to just short circuit my pattern before the fear based defensive overthinking can start to get traction inside my head/heart.

Also. Unrelated to that but related to my day after the shower induced rebalancing myself reset. 

Boozy brunch was delightful and I enjoyed reconnecting with Denis' best friend Jean who I hadn't seen in over a decade, since the Madison Magazine top shelf whiskey tasting was at the BBQ place before the annual event was discontinued but...after boozy brunch.. that was honestly my least favorite symphony performance I think I've ever attended... EVER. It was Verdi's Requiem, all 83 minutes of it, with no intermission. And it's just SUCH a boring piece of music.... Not even about being so Jesurific or anything to do with any pitchy vocalists, it's just a repetitive boring ass piece of music..... I think I was able to count on one hand the musically interesting moments within EIGHTY THREE MINUTES of  music....  And some of them like the "ominous wrath and doooooooom"drum rolls were a stretch of only being interesting as they were an overwhelming departure from the rest. If I never have to waste another 83 minutes of my life listening to Verdi's Requiem, it will be too soon. 

I'm still at work with my pupper Waffles but I promise I will go home at a (relatively) reasonable hour by my standards (look ain't nobody waiting home for me but the cat and the dog is with me keeping an eye on me whatever hour I head home) or sooner if the tireds hit me hard and WHEN I get home I WILL make me sleep because I need it and don't ACTUALLY have any have tos tomorrow other than needing to clean and start rearranging books/booksheleves for the great fridge exchange on Weds and then Mon night having dinner with my mum and watching some dvred figure skating (we actually haven't had a chance to watch any of worlds yet) while my da is at pottery before heading back to work after he gets home because he does not enjoy watching skating with us, lol. I do have to water my indoor plants still at work tonight though before I head home and haven't even started the process yet, but I promise after that's done and I get some work in I will go home and sleep and just let me rest as much as my body needs once I'm safely home.

But also, I'm sorry about the wobble yesterday and this morning until I showered and cleared the overthinking defensiveness out of me. I'm not saying there isn't any truth or reason behind asking those questions, but also it's fear shadows asking those questions and they're not HELPFUL in bringing in more light and healing and making things better than they have been....  

Because the last post reset, that's where I SHOULD be and where I mostly am these recent months in my better moments.  But being mostly in my better self doesn't mean I don't sometimes have wobbles into my not so great self. I'm human, we all do it. And as long as you don't act impulsively from the shadows making themselves heard then it's not about the wobble, it's about the resilience of the bounce back response  and what you learn from it. And, honestly, a not acted upon 24 hour wobble with an important lesson in it is a good growth shadow work opportunity and self-realization more than any sort of setback. At least that's how I see it, even though it sucked going through it and the self-doubt questioning defensiveness of feeling it like that....

P.S. Want last week's astro poets and this week's? They're still sweet and very much in that promise and hope and love/loved space. For both Libra and Pisces.

"Week of 4/7 in Libra: Golden plants and a nice reminder. You are meeting so many people. You can go around and around with love. Hold true to the embrace. Hold true to the kisses everywhere."

"Week of 4/7 in Pisces: Rainbows emit from the seascape. That’s the way a corner sounds now. You can go and go back and forth. Quiet moments in the air. Quiet parts of forgiveness you can see. That’s who you know in the different spaces of the light."

"Week of 4/14 in Libra: Pretty flowers and the day. It bends around like a pink porch of dreams. Anything can be there but also love writes itself. There’s more to this. That’s what you can count on."

"Week of 4/14 in Pisces: You can sing the poem. That does not make it a song. It makes it a cup from which to sit it down. It makes a cup from which to pour within. The song is the poem is not the cup."

I need to think more on that Pisces one for this week. Curiously, you know what card has been flying out for me over and over and over this morning when I was in a funk before I went and showered to reset? Two of cups. Over and over and over and over. In every deck. So that's what I thought of when i read the astro poets for Pisces and the song vs poem vs cup being related but not the same even if you sing the words it doesn't make it a song. that and the idea of the inner cup. That and also, there's a meme/quote about when two givers/healers connect. how they water each other and make sure the other's cup is always filled rather than ever draining each other. I'll have to try to find it.

"Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. What you seek is seeking you. Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form."~Rumi

 So. I was thinking about it while I was in the shower. (Much of my best thinking happens while I'm in the shower, I find thoughts while I'm soaked in water tend to be the truest and most unexpectedly insightful. Dancing barefoot in the rain, showers, baths, swimming especially in salt water -- something about being water soaked hair and skin brings my best insights to the surface.) Anyway. I realized something while showering. All those questions nipping at me, every damn one of them, they are all fears born from the idea "what if I'm not what he wants for himself?" All of them. Every damn one of them. They are ALL variations on the theme of wondering what if I'm not what he wants for himself.

So all those questions, they're really all just spawning off that one central question, that one big fear inside me born of the way things have happened between us... And there's only one person in the entire world who can answer that for me. And I'll give you a hint, it ain't me borrowing troubles by trying to think my way around to an answer. 

And. I think. I do us both a disservice by not extending him the faith that better than anyone else he knows his own heart and to trust he has no reason to lie to me about what he finds inside himself when he is honest with himself. So if I want the answers to all those questions that are spawned from the fear and self doubt, I need to find a way to give him opportunity for him to speak his truth in his own way and his own time. 

And I think. We both deserve for me to believe him, whatever it is he has to tell me. 

And all the questions are so busy asking "what if I'm not what he wants?" that I'm not paying enough attention to the counterpoint "what if I am what he wants?" and the followup question "what if the act of one or both of us questioning/disbelieving what I want wants me back is the primary block keeping us from realizing what we both want?" 

Because honestly, how much of us having made the simple difficult over all these years comes down to both of us blocking our own shot by doubting that which we seek is also seeking us? Think about it. 

We can do better by each other. And we both deserve better of ourselves. Especially when all the questions that are inside me saying they need answering are really just different iterations on the same question, "what if I'm not what the other one wants?" But more importantly darling, what if you are?

I had a hard time falling asleep the other night/morning of Fri into Sat (I got home between 2:30 and 3 getting hours in, so it was really more like early hours Saturday) and I've not slept at all Sat night through to this morning because I got distracted after talking to my parents and my dad's hawkish "you know Iran is launching an attack on Israel right now?" and then watching to see if Armageddon is actually starting tonight or are we still slowly moving toward WWIII at the grinding pace of war by proxies in Europe and Middle East with overstretched US scrambling til eventually unable to defend all it's allies and then finally China springs it's move.... But now that settled back to plodding inexorably toward WWIII but not imminent disaster. So now I'm reading and drinking tea to avoid the overthinking that is keeping me from sleeping. But now I set the book aside because the tea cup is empty and the overthinking is attacking me again. And as of right now, I don't intend to because I need to shower and then between 10:30 and 11 I'm meeting Crissy to head downtown to meet up with Denis and his friend Jean (Karissa is in Hawaii for her birthday and Jean asked to join us for boozy brunch at Cento one of these times then accepted the extra symphony ticket when it was offered to her.) I dunno when I'll sleep next, earliest would be in the evening after symphony and picking up my doggo from my parents but I'll probably go to work to get hours in and shave off sleeping some more til late Sunday or some point on Monday when my body forces the issue due to exhaustion. 

The insomnia and the overthinking was because every time I closed my eyes the other night, I saw again the vision dream of the lamprey twined around him to the point he cared about nothing else and how certain he was she was the love of his life not even a year ago. And before that it was the scorpion chick he seemed so devastated for years after he broke up with her to move to Nashville. I mean, he broke up with her left her but then was so devastated by her absence he couldn't function or face the quiet spaces. And it made me realize I still have lots of questions I can't answer and more than having a small living room with no internet, it was the questions themselves at the root of my decision not to reach out and take the chance to see him in my own living room which he offered in what he created constructing his summer tour and plans. 

And I know there's maybe something unfair in me unearthing this after I said I hadn't had any questioning in me recently I know I know..... But I hadn't right up until last night. It's almost like me saying that twisted something inside me and I found surfacing all sorts of questioning and maybe they're mostly all fear based and can be dispelled like morning fog by the sun, but they're still inside me right NOW. But rather than trying to think my way into logic of an answer I arrive at regardless the premises I started with, I'm just going to write out the questions honestly and maybe that will work better for me to set them aside move past them... and some of these are more fears that I find are swimming about inside me than proper questions but they bubble up inside me as questioning so here we are.

Questions I don't have answers to that started plaguing me last night:

~Given how infatuated and certain he was that he was so deeply in love with his lamprey girlfriend of last year thought she was the love of his life enough to post about her that way and given the songs he wrote about falling for her, what's to say he isn't still in love with her, or at least in love with his idea of her, regardless of how/why it ended? 

~If he so easily falls in love or in lust with other women to make it a pattern enough that I try to remove all contact via the bond so he can have that happiness he's chosen, what reason do I have to believe ANd trust it's not just going to happen again?

~Just because I WANT to believe that he feels the pull the same way I do and knows he wants it doesn't mean he does -- I WANT to believe that others have been the distractions and I'm what he's sought but what if they're all just versions of what he's seeking and I'm just the second best he settles for as comfort when they didn't work out? What if I'm what he settles for as safe when his idealized women he puts on pedestals to worship aren't what he imagined they would be?

~How can I trust the same patterns he has chosen over and over and over won't play out yet again if I give him even the smallest faith opening up to him again? 

~I know THAT he reacts to silence down the bond disappearing from his inner life by fighting with everything he has to regain it, but why? What makes him care about it only when he has lost it when he hasn't ever seemed to notice or value it when he has it? 

~Does he actually even miss ME when the bond is asleep or does he just miss the aliveness and joy and love that flows between our souls when the bond is awakened and healthy? Is it me he misses or is it just the feeling of being held in love unconditionally that he misses?

There were some others, on a different tangent, but I didn't put them into words fast enough and now they're just back into elusive feeling form swimming about inside me not frozen in a crystallized word form I can examine them and communicate them.... If I catch them again, I'll put them back here in word form or maybe keep the practice of writing them out asking them here because if I put them in word form at least I'll be able to get a good look at them try to see them for what they are, y'know? 

O there's one! This one is a future facing fear, not a present one but it eats at me no matter how I try to ignore it swimming about inside my brain.

~What if who I am NOW in this body and this life isn't actually what he wants or can't be made to fit with who he is now in this life? 

~What do we do with the bond then if who we are in this lifetime don't fit together this life in the 3d quotidian?

~Why is the bond so full of love and light when we both focus on it but the shadows cast in its absence so dark and long?

~Why can't I just hold faith and trust in him long enough to get something solid?

I think that's it. That's all of them I can catch right now. Trying to catch them has me in a bit of a funk now.... I'm going to go put the kettle on for my second steep next cuppa tea and then decide if I want to shower first or finish this book first once the tea has steeped and needs to cool before drinking it. 

But damn am I in a funk right now sitting with these questions..... And there's so much love light pouring down the bond right now in reaction to my funk... And I can't help smiling at the love in it. But also it makes me not want to post or share these thoughts biting at me now because I don't want to dim his love light with my questions. But also a stubbornly defiant something in me says the only way to deal with them is to face them honestly, dark thoughts and fears grow stronger when left in the dark instead of brought into the light and faced. 

 So last night, I had an interesting dream for my last dream before waking up in the predawn for the sunrise. I don't know WHY I do this, I just know that ever since I can remember and from what my parents have said about me as a small child, I can never sleep during the gloamings even with black out curtains. I can go BACK to sleep after sunrise is done (or I can go to sleep for the first time if I stayed up so late that I'd be awkwardly rested by sunrise) but sleeping across sunrise/sunset is just not something this body does. 

Anyway. I dreamt last night about robins. I don't really quite remember all of it. But I remember it was April springtime feeling in a woods that had flower bulbs in it not just wildflowers and I was out wandering somewhere there were robins and daffodils all through the trees just greening. (American robins, that typical long bodied sleek brown redbreast, not British robins which are fluffy gray with orangey-red breast.) And there was one robin that took a shine to me and insisted I follow it, kept flying down to tweak at my hair if I got distracted. So I followed it out of curiosity and got completely lost on the paths around through the trees and then it was like the robin forgot me started digging for worms. But when I got closer, I saw it wasn't worms, there was a bit of shiny metal and when I helped the robin dig it out, it was a key with a necklace wound around it. So I cleaned the dirt off both, put the necklace on and put the key in my pocket and then the robin and I kept going down the path only now it was flitting branch to branch just ahead of me singing joyously. We reached a point in the path where there was a random doorway blocking the path (but you could see round the sides of it bypass it if you wanted) and it was locked. But when I reached into my pocket for the key, it fit the door and opened easily. And so I opened it and I remember it was just blindingly bright gold light pouring out from wherever it led and the necklace I'd put on lit up in response and the robin shot right on through singing for me to follow. And so I walked through that door and it closed behind me and that's when I woke up before I could see what sort of shiny bright place I had walked into. 

Very Secret Garden and Oz books themed dream between the robin and the key, but it felt quite magical and more than a little fey. And like wherever the door shortcut led, it opened into a place of light and joyousness. Also very much akin to that feeling I've been having lately of closing the old chapter and starting something brand new

Also. This afternoon while I had both the cat and dog curled up on me (they're still in the "I love you and you left for a few days so you're my hostage of love now" phases) and I had finished my book within arm's reach and couldn't get up without disturbing them to grab cards to see if there was anything I needed to know so I decided to ask some iching questions on my phone, an idle pasttime for potential insights that I do betimes. So one of the questions I asked it was, "What is the best course of action I ought to put my energy into regarding Eric at this time, for my sake as well as his." And this was the answer:

And it made me laugh because really it ought to be the obvious answer but also it was very clear, straightforward, and unambiguous. Iching really can't be more clear and unambiguous than that.

I mean, that's also my inner feeling about things right now and all I'm getting from him is how driven he is and excitement and complete certainty in him -- there's not currently anything inside of me questioning or doubting really anything related to him. I just found the straight forward iching funny. Because Iching is NEVER that straightforward. EVER. I mean, a lot of times in recent past since he started reaching me again via the bond in the fall, whenever I ask about him and what he feels/desires from me I get the ones about beauty, snow white beautiful haze of beauty afraid of breaking the vision or adorning his beard working on looking good, and when I've asked it about his intentions or desires toward me, I often get the noble presence "dissociating from harm" or the one about "attacking the ghost region" one about the time it takes untangling a difficult task. But this was the first time I asked about where/how I ought to be putting my energy in and was told "trust this connection, it's good and will bring better and better the longer you work together and trust it. There's no reason to overthink anything here." And it just struck me as funny that even the iching is wanting to bop me on the nose with bluntness at this point at even a hint of asking a question like that. I mean, Iching is NEVER that straightforward unequivocal. About anything. Steady and consistent messaging across the board, lol.

That was it. Been working a lot since I got back from St. Louis. Currently still at work into the wee hours tonight to get enough hours in for this last week to not have to use any of my PTSO days for my eclipse trip. And planning to come in over the weekend to take care of plants and to get hours in early toward next week. 

Cocoa (the German Shepherd belonging to Nathan, a diabetic coworker over in service, and Lindsay) was diagnosed with lymphoma last week right before I was leaving town, so when at work I've been spending a lot of time with her and me sitting on the floor cuddling and being sat on by the doggos (including Lindsay's seeing eye dog Amy) and Lindsay. Cocoa started chemo this week, she's barely 1 year old so they want to try and hope she will be one of the 1 in a million dogs who kicks it, stays in remission, and they still get 8-9 years with her. Seeing her and feeling her enregy and pouring healing into her these last couple days, I am less optimistic though obvious I would be delighted. (I was midldly afraid they might decide euthanasia was best and move forward with it before I got back from St. Louis.) It's very unexpectedly sudden and sad.... For everyone, but Nathan and Lindsay have had a really hard time in recent months, especially Nathan with his dad dying so unexpectedly and the family drama around that. And this is his dog bonded to him.

Also. After shopping, landed on a Whirlpool fridge from Costco (who include free delivery, installation, and haul away of the old fridge) as the best option given Amana said when called that any fridge over 10 years old should be replaced rather than fixed because something else is likely to go after that age. The new fridge should be delivered/installed next week Wednesday which means I have to figure out moving books and bookshelves by then. This weekend is a book sale at ICHC if I want to drive to Milwaukee on Saturday, brunch and symphony on Sunday. Then next week I will have dinner and girls night tickets to a ballet production of Alice in Wonderland by MOMIX with my maman, Wednesday is the fridge installation (don't yet know time but will take Waffles to work while that's happening so only the cat needs to be contained in my bedroom during it), Thursday my grandma has her rescheduled podiatry appointment (third time is a charm, I hope), and then Saturday the 20th is a girls day at Milwaukee Art Museum for the annual Art in Bloom exhibit (with my mum, Crissy, Sarah, and Mikaela.) Then the week after that nothing in the calendar except Friday the 26 tickets to see Madison Opera performance of Candide. The week after that, grandma's rescheduled gerontology on Monday, I have a dentist appointment on May 2, last symphony tickets on May 4 for the season, and Brian Mosley's memorial (he was chosen family unrelated to me and my da's closest friend; he passed away earlier this year.)  After that I actually have nothing at all in my calendar for almost all of May until the Frank Turner show in Chi on Mar 31 other than meteor showers and checking on Henry while Crissy is in Kansas City for DI Globals. I guess I do still need to schedule my eye appointment and order contacts for the next year because i have one more pair after the pair I've been wearing this last month or so. June is also quite empty for me -- Frank Turner show in Minne on June 1 and then nothing currently in the calendar until APT play on June 27. (unless I can find someone wants to go with me to see Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks playing Soldier Field in Chi on June 21.... I haven't bought tickets because if anybody wanted to go I wanted seats together and then the tickets  started at $160 per ticket for the nose bleeds, more than twice what it was when he has played Wrigley and Lambeau in the past, and I keep having one thing after the next with the car and then the fridge etc. so I don't feel like I ought to spend money THAT frivolously on myself right now, much as I adore Billy Joel and have never seen Stevie Nicks live. So I still have nobody to go with and no tickets purchased for the Billy Joel show in Chi.)

 You ever get the feeling about your life, "it's time for this chapter to end and the next chapter to begin" but you're not actually certain what the next chapter is or where to go to get to it? I've been feeling that way a lot lately, it's getting stronger and stronger every day and this afternoon it's rather overwhelming everything else. The only problem is, I don't know which aspects of my life the chapter is ending so a new one can begin.... And I have no push inside me to like sell my condo and move somewhere specific to seek it -- in fact if anything my intuition says, "stay put just a little longer, the change is coming to you and if you leave you will be running from it end up delaying it." But hell if I know who or what that means is coming in or what I'm supposed to do with this early knowing or what loose end goodbyes I'm supposed to be tying up from my life as I have been living it to be ready to move into the next chapter of my life as I will be living it..... 

It's all rather opaque to me. And I have no precogs other than the sense that closing chapter so the new one can begin is incredibly close and imminent and I should be ready to say yes to it when it arrives and it's almost here. (But whether that's an almost in human linear clock terms or divine long time terms or fey wibbly-wobbly time bubble terms I have no fucking idea.) And it doesn't feel global nationwide socio-political upheaval at the root of it, it's personal shifting of pillars in my own life and what path I take into the future.  It feels more like... A path I didn't see or didn't believe to be open is suddenly right in front of me open and the obvious choice to take moving into the future.  I don't believe that there is anything for me to DO right now other than to expect it is on its way to flip my life completely different new path from the comfort zones I'm currently settled in, but other than that it's just an itch in my soul I can't scratch and can't explain..... It's like the way your skin tingles leading up to a summer thunderstorm, whether it's in the forecast or not, but it's not my skin feeling the power building for what is coming, it's crackly tingling like that inside my soul.

Only, every Spidey sense tingles tells me it's getting really really close and coming soon, like by the end of the year things will be vastly different than they are and have been. Close chapter to start new chapter. And also that even though I don't know what it is yet, I'll recognize it when I see it and it crosses my path. 

 Home. Been home over an hour now, but forgot to to post because unpacking and needy fur babies. VERY needy fur babies. Everything is up from the car except the beer and wine heading to work (some to share and some because I came home still needing to deal with not having a working fridge or freezer given it broke RIGHT before my St. Louis/Ste. Genevieve eclipse trip.) I have everything unpacked except the hotel/car snacks bag and two tote bags of new books and bulky/shared things in the hotel room for me to unpack, sort, and either put away or put in a bag to get back to Crissy. 

But that can wait til tomorrow. Other than beer and wine and food while there and gas to get there, I tried to stay frugal and I bought books (9 at Target during a car snack run, those were buy 2 get 1 free and then 6 used books at Protagonist Coffee which was recommended to us by the bartender at 4Hands brewery to get coffee for the drive homeward) and rocks/crystals at Your Enchanted Crystals (I wore the yellow fluorite necklace that the cat Jade insisted we couldn't leave until I discovered it and added it to my purchases and wore the necklace home from the store but most of my new rock/crystal specimens still have to be unwrapped but will invite Mikaela over for that because she has a love of shiny rocks as well as books thanks to me as her bonus unrelated big sister.) O and 2 beaded bracelets at the winery. But, see, books and rocks have always been two of my budgetary weaknesses.... Books, music, rocks/crystals, concerts, art, plants/flowers, tea, art supplies. These are always my budget breaker temptations. Sorry in advance.

Many stories. Many many wonderful people met and reunited. Also made three new puppy friends at the winery (Argos and Willow and Piper) and visited again with Jade (the Wiccan store owner's cat who comes in with her at Your Enchanted Crystals) as well as her humans.

Anyway, I am super tired. Going to go take out my contacts and brush my teeth and then sleeeeeeeeep. More later another time. I have adulting things to do this week still (getting hours in at work, submitting my W4/WT-4 from poll working so they can cut my paycheck on the 26 to mail me or have me pickup, fridge shopping/scheduling to move new one in and take away old one, moving the nonfiction and foreign books and the two  bookshelves that narrow part of the hallway so old fridge can't fit to get wheeled in/out of the kitchen. Eventually need to start over the empty fridge filling grocery shopping once I have a working fridge/freezer to put the food into because right now my kitchen is VERY bare, even the pantry of mostly dried legumes/rice... Real adulting tasks. But they can wait til the other side of sleep. And so can me writing out and posting more of my St. Louis stories if I choose to tell them. Sweet dreams.  Bonne nuit. 

 Last night, I was getting just the deepest waves of unexpected sadness while watering the plants. Just eyes brimming unexpected broken heartedness. It wasn't mine, but I'm not certain what brought it on...and me trying to soothe it just made it worse so eventually I reached the inner point of, "it's okay to feel however it is you're feeling, just feel it all the way til you're cried out and can find the way to start making whatever it is better. There's always a way to make things better, you just have to feel it all the way down before you can see it." And that seemed to work better than trying to soothe down the bond was working. No idea what caused such an intense sad that it was so overwhelming the waves of it into me. I hope that somehow it came to a catharsis in the end though, sometimes we need to feel the sorrow all the way to get to the healing. 

 I hope today is better though. For his sake first and foremost, but also for mine because I have a nearly six hour drive (not counting any eclipse related traffic) ahead of me to get to St. Louis and I would prefer not to have unexpected inexplicable waves of sorrow swamping me making me want to cry while I'm highway driving. 

It's funny but my initial intuitive plan is looking like the best now. See, the winery where we saw the 2017 eclipse didn't survive COVID closure but part of me wanting to go back to Missouri is the spot I intuitively took us to find that winery near Perryville is right in the x marks the spot of where the 2017 and 2024 eclipse tracks cross. And I decided that all the cycles and shit that started at that last eclipse, it's closing now -- including the not very effective whack a mole version of dealing with interfering nephilim and negative attachments from spirits. I have a lot of allies working on chasing it down and cleaning up for a while now and it's been getting close since last fall, and I decided that this eclipse is the end of that so the next story chapters can begin. And weirdly, The Goddess, Durga, The Morrigan, Crow/raven god, Hawk god, and the four archangels I consulted all agreed that was the right time for the rivet point and divine rule on attachments to go into effect. (There wasn't a stated rule before, just what everybody assumed was understood, now the rule will be codified because of how it was bent until almost broken.) 

So anyway, my original assumption in the plan to spend a few days back in St. Louis was to try to get back to the exact same winery and make it a real full circle. Only, that wasn't going to be possible given The Barrens closed. There is another winery open for the eclipse with free viewing no cover near there, Hemmans, but the only food option was pulled pork nacho bar AND they said live music which could be amazing or could be pitchy twangy bro country.... No way to know. But that's my back pocket backup still. When I started looking up wineries open on Monday, the first one that called to me making it my first choice was Cave Vineyard in Ste. Genevieve.  (If you didn't know, the area between St. Louis and Cape Girardeau is all old French settler descended vineyards wine country in the middle of the US, some of them in the same families going back to the 1500-1600s, that's why both sides the Mississippi you find old root stock Chambourcin vines. The French made the wine tradition in that part of Missouri, Kentucky, and Tennessee right to Memphis (which is my favorite place I ever visited in Tennessee, I don't like most of TN except Memphis and the mountains -- Nashville area gave me headaches til I threw up kicked in my second sight flight instinct when I was too young to have techniques for dealing with powerful unincarnated spirits and too independent to call on my unincarnated allies. Which probably means I should go back to track down whatever is there and deal with it... But anyway, because I always got very sick if we stayed too long in the Nashville area and I was vocal about liking Memphis, that's where we always stayed overnight on family road trips down to Florida when I was a kid. Haven't been back as an adult somehow, but I've always had a shine for the city and the blues music scene there, before I ever knew it as having been part of the French colony area of the US in it's cultural strata.) Anyway, when I looked at Cave Winery my precogs kicked in said, "that's it! That's where you need to go!" But it's a bit north of the original maps of the totality, it's further northeast than Perryville/Brazeau (where Hemman Winery is, the one with the pork nacho bar and unknown live music) where the Barrens were only about a two minute or so total eclipse not right the center of totality. So then I started looking up wineries open on Mondays along the highway and river there and I admit I got greedy for longer eclipse time and thought about moving further on down into the line of totality, all the way down to Cape Girardeau. Found River Ridge Winery just past Cape Girardeau, an amazing looking winery down in Scott City on a bluff above the river and their food options sounded amazing so we sketched that as potentially our plan. Only NOW, despite all my weather witching attempts the Universe and the gods are being VERY clear to me that if I go that far south it will be clouds -- sunny in St. Louis and Ste. Genevieve but clouds maybe rain down in Cape Girardeau and Scott City. You know where it's mostly sunny only intermittent clouds in the hourly? Ste. Genevieve. You know where it partially sunny but cloudy right during the eclipse time frame? Perryville/Brazeau area. 

I left the plans loose TBD with a general sketch of options I found and liked and a driving route plan but Crissy is gonna laugh at me for trying to fight fate of my own precogs by getting greedy like that, I know she will.... She's never understood the part of me that gets stubborn tries to prove my precogs wrong just to fact find if they're right which I can't do if I just assume they're right.... I think my current thought is we head out early from St. Louis aim to be at Cave Vineyards in the rolling hills outside of the city proper when they open at 10. We do a weather, wine, and food assessment (ain't much in Ste. Genevieve proper open on Mondays except the historical French colony museum area and they are charging $80 per person for their eclipse party) and decide if we want to stay there or head down to Perryville area and/or Hemman Winery where we can watch with no cover and drink wine but can't eat the nacho bar because I can't have pork and we didn't $10 commit before 4/1 for Crissy to eat that. There is a Chinese place in Perryville we liked last time. Then my thought is to avoid the worst of the traffic headed back northward to St. Louis by either drive the Springtime hillsides and state parks on country highways or maybe we head the opposite direction of the not moving traffic down south toward Cape Girardeau and River Ridge which is open til 6pm for food and trying their wines and drinking wine sitting above the Mississippi. 

I mostly have a plan, but I like to keep things flexible other than what has set start times because sometimes chance and serendipity are way better than anything I or anyone else could plan.

That's my general plan right now. But I told Crissy it would get solidified tonight and not to even worry about dinner plans for tonight yet til after checkin because she's exhausted from doing too much traveling recently (her sister's wedding on April 1 in Des Moines then back then up to Green Bay on Fri for state DI -- apparently traveling with me isn't stressful because birthday twins born half a world apart so with different rising signs and she needs relaxing girls trip) and not great time with car companion and unable to sleep with her roommate using products that made Crissy sick for state DI on Fri/Sat... So she's pretty dang exhausted and I told her that we get there aiming for check-in and then we will figure out dinner and early night in the hotel after that since I want us up early in case of traffic to make sure we AT LEAST get to Ste. Genevieve or Perryville if not closer to longest totality heading down 55. 

So anyway. If you're sad be sad, but today's a new day dawned so maybe try not to let the sorrow overwhelm you so it spills over into em so heavy -- or at least rein it in distract yourself from whatever brought on last night's sadness til whenever in the evening when I'll be safe in the hotel room and not actively driving anywhere, k? 

Spose I should finish this French press of coffee so I can clean the press and dry it to bring with and then put my rings/necklaces back on finish getting dressed. I still need to load stuff in the car and drop the dog off and 9ish is when I'm supposed to pick up Crissy then Starbucks for breakfast then stopping by O'Reillys to get a replacement passenger side wiper on before potentially driving through rain/storms today. 

But. Also. I have a couple hours. And coffee to finish before I have to get into doing mode. I'm gonna live dangerously and let me read some more chapters. (That might be a stupid idea. Only one way to find out. And I need to do something while finishing this pot of coffee. The coffee won't drink itself!) actually, I'm gonna go plug my phone in and THEN read the next chapter. So it's at least a little more of a responsible (ish) choice on my part. Teeny bit. Kinda. 

P. S. I washed my hair this morning. It's very 3a almost 3b ringlets curly even without proper curl training/styling. Very  much curly hair and unruly enough to clearly be natural not curling iron curls. Ain't no room for any doubting about the nature of isness in me today. The sunrise was all golden glowing gorgeousness before the rain clouds moved in, and my hair is DEFINITELY curly no doubting whatsoever about that, and the bond with the love between our souls pulling at each other IS (which means we can make things good and write whatever story we want from this moment forward, especially if we both want the same story) and so all is right for now and no reason to be sad or full of doubts. Not on a day when the sunrise comes out between the clouds AND my curl beast is this curly and so the world is full of promises of isness rather than questioning doubts. So try not to be sad today, focusing on how we get from here to what we want our script to be for our story, k? K! 

 I still have no idea what was approaching me making that clanging noise but not visible to my eyes or second sight OR why my cat and all five dogs in five separate condo units (of eight on my half of the building) all tried to warn me against taking the garbage out right then. I tried looking it up but cursory googling hasn't gotten me very far....I know that there are traditions among the Irish about hearing a church bell before dying, but I haven't had any death precogs and I always get those in every life AND this wasn't a church bell, it was like the clang of metal smacked against metal not a ringing bell sound.

Still planning to head to Missouri in the morning, regardless last night's wyrd portent/entity while the veil is thin. Will make sure that I lay extra protections in the hotel though.

I do know that the freezer and fridge are definitely NOT working and the ice cube trays were STILL just full of water nearly 12 hours later and again when I left home to go in get hours in for work. *le sigh* I haven't unplugged it but I did decide to set it down to lowest cooling power settings for now and clear everything from inside it, magnets on it, and everything on top of it so that its' ready to go whenever. New fridge shopping it is then... I'll have to measure the space for what will fit there. Mostly I care that it be energy efficient if possible and that it fit into that space -- beyond that I don't want to drop a ton of money on a new fridge. Also, I will want to pay the extra to have it delivered and setup and the old one hauled away so I don't have to figure that out, especially because I'm second floor living without a yard (mushaboom.) Even if I had a friend with a truck get it here, hauling the new one up a flight of stairs and the old one down a flight of stairs sounds like something I want to pay to be somebody else's problem not mine..... I'm going to verify the dimensions of the space later after I get home so I know what sizes I should be looking at (no idea of cubic ft, but if I have measurements for the space between wall and built in counters/cabinets, I can know what size fridge to shop for.

I was more frustrated than angry last night at yet another money sucking immediately needing replacement breakdown right now and I could feel the power building in me in reaction to whatever entity making that metal banging noise was coming down the hill out of the woods but which I couldn't see at all. I didn't trust my control with that much power building up inside me AND my frustration/anger is a combination that can create havoc with electronics. Later last night and today I reached the inner space of acceptance and being grateful I didn't come home from an extra several days of the veggies/fruits rotting inside the freezer AND I can be okay with believing that it happening now was somehow saving me from horrible food poisoning or something like that.

Also. I don't know HOW we get from here to bringing our lives together, but I do know there's very little the modern world has to offer that I selfishly want other than Eric. I've always known that. I've not always thought I could have him in my life and I've not always thought he wanted me in his life -- but I've always known I only want him and everyone/everything else is me doing the best I can making do with the hand I have because I can't seem to get what I want. But I'm steady consistent knowing he's what I want and have always wanted. It might not look like it from the outside of my actions/reactions, especially when I get to thinking that what he wants/chooses/needs is for me to let him go instead of trying to bring us closer, but that's only because I want his happiness more than I want him to be mine so if those two things seem in conflict then I'll give up my own selfish desires. Completely different ball game, completely different set of behavior patterns from me if I believed or knew it were true that his happiness is tied to us coming closer together in being in each other's lives, both inner and outer, same as my happiness is. Which is worth knowing.

Okay, time for me to start the process of watering all the plants at work.

 I had some overthinking/ADHD overexplaining I was considering to write about that last post in case I had been unclear or misunderstood but it's probably unnecessary. And anyway, you don't get that right now. Maybe another time, but not now. For now you get me venting my anger and frustration because I have done all the practical things I CAN do tonight so there's no more practical triaging the crisis to hold anger/frustration in check compartmentalized and now if I don't vent it, I'm going to accidentally fry the security pad or my car's new alternator or something ridiculous like that if I touch either while in this foul tempered angry mood....

~*~*~*~*~*~

GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so I didn't need to get hours in tonight but did want to pick up my order from target that had arrived. (I NEEDED bleach, was out of dried garbanzo beans, pasta, and peanut butter, they had a nice looking coffee grinder on sale for $15 AND they had Fourth Wing and Iron Blade on sale the hardcovers for $9 and $16 and that's cheaper than the paperbacks will ever be -- just means I can buy the hardcover for the third when it comes out in January I suppose. And I've been told they're good enough reads to be worth owning in hardcover.) So then I went home at like 9:30 or 10ish tonight after heating up some leftovers I had at work, listening to podcasts, and chatting with my friend Amanda in Iowa about starting up our whiskey book club (we haven't decided the exact rules yet, we're looking to start it in June but maybe May -- so far the rules are: person picks a book/series and a whiskey/scotch (or at least a region/flavor profile) and we drink the whiskey while reading the book then get together in person or via zoom with a pour of the whiskey and the finished book(s) to discuss. That's as far as the idea has gotten -- that we like whiskey, we like fantasy novels, and we don't see each other often enough and there's a way to integrate all these things now that Amanda has had her second kid is no longer pregnant so she can once more drink her whiskey collection, lol.)

Right. So. I get home, I put the dog to bed at her request even though it's early, I change into pjs, put all the Target box items away and make myself a cuppa tea to curl up to read. Tea steeps and it's too hot to drink so I decide, "Let me grab just one ice cube to cool this to no longer boiling hot drinkable but still hot because I'm thirsty enough I don't want to wait on unassisted thermodynamics." Okay, normal enough. Fine. 

So I open the freezer, hear the seal release. And then. NOT NORMAL! NOT NORMAL!!

EVERYTHING is thawed out. And I mean EVERYTHING!!! Ice cube trays are just trays of water and everything is thawed and soggy..... And the fan in the back is throwing out air but it doesn't feel like COLD air, just room temperature air. 

So my first thought is, "Awww fuck me, this means the fucking compressor is shot, doesn't it?!" Then my second thought is, "O dear Lord, there is raspberry juice EVERYWHERE and now the door is open it's all dripping down the slope toward me, I need to grab the fucking paper towels, STAT!"

So I cleaned up the freezer and went through what I KNEW had to be tossed and what might be salvageable. (All the frozen fruits and veggies including what was left of last summer's harvest of raspberries, hot death peppers, and tomatoes tossed, an older piece of frozen salmon tossed. I saved the unopened four pack of frozen butter and the the frozen meats: ground beef and steaks and a salmon burger and a chicken sausage patty because they were defrosted but still felt cold to the touch and as long as I got them to the work freezer tonight they should still be fine but should get cooked up sooner not later. (This is why I'm back at work.)

I also checked the fridge and it was slightly cooler than the air but not fridge cold and nothing was super cool to the touch. Luckily I didn't have much in the fridge right now because I need to go shopping and wasn't going to until after I got back from the eclipse trip, but I did collect my stick and a half of butter, remaining three eggs, onion, two unopened cheese, four blood oranges, three beers, and a lot of condiments. And those are now in my fridge at work.

And THEN I called my parents to tell them that my freezer and fridge had failed and ask if they knew if it was the sort of thing that's fixable or if I need to look into buying a new one (the fridge, washing machine/dryer, dishwasher, stove were all  in the condo when I bought it and I've owned it for 15 years now so all my appliance are over 15 years old...) AND to make sure they agreed with me that the frozen meats that had thawed but were still vacuum sealed were salvageable if re-frozen.  They agreed with my assessments and plan of action and told me they would look out ask around for a good used fridge or for a good deal to buy one but also agreed with me that it would be pointless to go shopping before I head to St. Louis on Sunday so as long as I clear everything out, the replacing process can and should wait a week. 

So then I changed BACK into jeans and a long sleeve tee and sweater and took the garbage out. (*WYRD hackles up thing happened while I did THAT outside, I will come back to it next) Then I took Waffles out of her kennel, put her harness on her and at 11ish we took all that I had collected as salvageable over to the work freezer/fridge. And so now I'm trying to chill my anger so I can head back home to drink my (now tepid) tea and read.

On the bright side, if it had to happen, at least I didn't make a batch of chili to freeze on Weds AND I discovered this mess BEFORE it sat for three days getting grosser and grosser while I was in St. Louis and Cape Girardeau for the eclipse. Right? I was last in my freezer on Weds, for the frozen salmon for lunch and I DID notice that afternoon that the ice cubes didn't seem as solid as they should but thought maybe I hadn't let them freeze long enough or something and since my freezer was a bit crowded I set it a little colder then later the same day they were solid solid. And then I haven't been back in my freezer since Weds evening.

I'm just so angry and frustrated. It's just been a lot of things breaking lately and money was tight BEFORE my car's alternator went and the tires needed replacing and then my coffee grinder zapped and fried in my hand. I'm done with all these sucky lessons of being a responsible single adult, k thanx! Also. I would very much like a hug and to be spoiled and not have to be the practical sponsible one for a bit.... I'm feeling tired of dealing with the nasty side of being single independent on just my meagre income.... Like, I don't get lonely (I just get lonesome for specific souls I miss who are far from me; but I've never gotten generically lonely, I've always been content to hideaway spend time with myself and my inner connections and trees/flowers/wild critters I might meet) but I'm tired of being the single income one has to deal with car/house related shit when it breaks. 

*The wyrd thing that happened. So when I went to go take out the trash, the cat was laying across the rug in front of the door and when I asked him to move he flattened his ears meowed at me and refused to move until I physically moved him and then he hissed at me and cat cussed me that he was keeping me inside for my own good then he ran away and hid under the couch. So I grabbed the garbage and as I closed my hall door with the intention of going outside and ALL the dogs on my floor and downstairs started barking and wouldn't stop (including Waffles asleep in her kennel though she stopped when I popped my head back in and told her not to bark) ALL of them hackles up high alert "do not go outside" barking.  Some of the exterior lights are turned off at my condo buildings on the exterior of my building and in the lot and near the garbage bins (I don't know why, I thought it was just a late night thing but noticed it Tues morning at 5am they were still off and when I got home at like 10pm tonight) but it's a safety/security concern makes everything real dark beyond the circle of the street light on the road that's outside the building. Especially since we're now in the dark of the moon three days before the new moon on Monday. So I went to throw things out and as I did, there was this sudden weird sound like metal being banged on metal from up the hill across the street and it just kept this weird steady ominous beat getting closer, like that 80s bully knocking a pipe on a pipe they plan to beat you with vibe and it was coming closer not holding still. I didn't see anyone or anything, not with my eyes or my gifts, even when the sound was coming from the middle of the road and the sound kept creeping closer and closer. I went back inside quickly because I saw nothing but the sound was on the sidewalk on the other side of the pine trees across the parking lot close to me and I kept feeling watched/hunted and that I needed to get back inside. The feeling and the metal on metal clanking stopped after I closed the front door latched behind me, and the moment I was back upstairs in my hallway to unlock my condo door, all the dogs in the building suddenly stopped barking once I was back inside where I belonged.

It was VERY wyrd and hackles up and I can't explain it. And I didn't SEE anyone or anything but what I sensed was... ill intentioned unincarnated spirit approaching... The dog and I took the car out of the garage directly didn't go back outside or windows down. And then I got a bad headache in the "overusing your gifts" area trying to hide m route over to work not be tracked and not have to drive in circles for ages to get the thawed out meats etc into the work freezer/fridge..

 Anyway, it was wyrd. And I'm still frustrated/angry about the fridge and now I have to figure out about buying a new fridge/freezer..... (and it would probably make sense to buy a smart fridge, but also I just need something to do the job of keeping my food/drinks at the right temps for me in the small space of the galley kitchen and I don't have wifi at home for it. Also I don't care about havign to make choices about the color/finish because my design aesthetic isn't currently cohesive in the kitchen so why start now? And I don't really want to put in a huge investment on a new fridge, don't even care if I have an ice maker because I don't now and ice cube trays exist, I just want something to fit the space size of the current one and that will function with separate freezer and fridge compartments (if I sell my condo someone else can buy something better to be what they want if they want to kitchen remodel) because there's a lot of things about where I now live and the condo association choices and neighbors that have had me feeling over the last year or so like the Universe is trying to get me to sell my condo and move but I don't know where to move TO...though there's also some necessary fixing up things that should be done before trying to sell my condo -- especially the master bathroom issues.)

*sigh* I'm calmer now and when this podcast ends I'll head back home again. I'm calm enough that Waffles stopped chewing on the benebone and has put herself to sleep on the big pillow inside the work kennel with the door open.  

But also. WHY THE FUCK DID THE FREEZER/FRIDGE HAVE TO BREAK NOW?! *sigh* I will have to look into replacing it I guess.... But grumph.

But also also. I know that I'm supposed to clean out old things replace what breaks leading into and during Mercury eclipse. but the car AND the fridge and throwing out nearly everything currently in freezer?! You had better been saving from some serious food poisoning or something Universe. Just saying. Because otherwise it's kinda bullshit timing of you..... Though at least I discovered it within a couple days of  it happening so things were not defrosted for long AND I discovered it with time to clean it up BEFORE my eclipse trip rather than coming home to it sitting defrosted nearly a week.....

2am addendum: yeah no, even the freezer setting up to max with nothing in it but ice cube trays and ice packs, the ice trays are still just liquid water....

 So I was thinking about it last night while sitting on the couch watching the fire and sipping from a glencairn of Highland Park Spirit of the Bear. And. I think. Given the nature of the bond, he probably knows and can feel something is off whenever I've doubted and pulled away from him in the past. He may not understand what's wrong or why I'd be feeling that sort of way (sometimes I don't know the why of me feeling some sort of way either, especially in the middle of feeling it) but he can feel it inside him strong as his own feelings. Because that's how it is for me whenever he's feeling some sort of way, and the stronger his feeling the more intense they echo inside me. And if we accept my theory/analogy (the best I have) that the bond is like a taut string which pulls with equal tension on both attachment points and that's how the emotional vibration/sound wave pattern can be formed on it when plucked, then the fact the plucking of his heart strings resonate to be heard within me means that mine must resonate for him to hear inside him. 

And I was thinking about it because... When he gets to feeling a lot (and last night he was feeling a lot of sorts of ways) then if I'm not sitting in a nihilist space of questioning if it's even real or if it's wrong by him somehow to encourage him (I'm not in either of those headspaces right now at all) then I will often reach down the bond to send him waves of reassurance and love, heart to heart and soul to soul, until the feeling some sort of way is soothed. It always works, it generally works for me when I get to feeling some sort of way and he just floods the bond with his love for me and reassurance of its isness. Because the truth of an emotional response is louder than overthinking making you feeling some sort of way second guessing or giving an ear to fears or guilt or regrets.... like propagating soundwaves can amplify each other or cancel each other out or even erase the weaker with the stronger depending on how their curves align. (O. I hadn't thought about it too much because it's been so many lifetimes since it happened about anything other than the yearning separation but, imagine how intense it would be if we were both feeling the exact same sort of way so our emotions were augmenting amplifying each other's mirrored back and forth crescendoing...)  but anyway, when I'm not trying to make myself believe that the best thing for him is for me to give him up, whenever he's strongly feeling some sort of way, I do try to internally reassure back to him, especially if he feels sad or scared/anxious with sending him an intense wash of love. And it works, I don't know how to explain it but I can tell that it reaches him and soothes and calms whatever he's feeling that has him unsteady by reassuring him that the bond is there and no matter anything else or any mess that happens, there's always strong love in each of us at the root of everything between us.

Also. And I don't know if this is true for him because it's like my precog flashes time loops which is a gift I don't know if he has, but it has been true for me in the past.... It's worth remembering. When the bond is strong and not being weakened by either of our choices/actions/inactions, strong emotions can create what I call overlays. Which is where I would literally experience the linked emotion AND what he was experiencing when it happened. Not all the time, just the most intense feelings and moments. Which was awkward enough for a bit while he was with someone else that in dream space I went to Seelie and asked the fée king to take away the overlays and he said he could only do that by cocooning the bond making it go to sleep and that if he did that for me it would never wake up again until I wanted it to awaken and he would never again for any reason be willing to cocoon it again for me after I awakened it again. (That was the first time I tried to silence or weaken the bond between us this lifetime, and it was about the inappropriate nature of some of the overlays I was receiving.) And I would expect that nurturing the bond, rather than trying to weaken or put it to sleep, means that the potential for overlays when the other has strong emotions would increase. Which isn't a bad thing necessarily, just something to be aware could happen again -- it only bothered me when it made me feel like an unwilling voyeur peeking in where I didn't belong any time he had strong emotions.

Anyway, last night I just had a cozy hour or so contemplative setting my book aside wanting to watch the fire letting myself just feel and think about whatever came up while meditating watching the flames. And what came to me as I sat in that stillness sipping my scotch watching the fire crackle was a lot of him feeling all sorts of ways and curiously I kept intermittently hearing some piano during all his emotions he was feeling and it got me thinking about the way that emotions resonate down the bond itself, the stronger the emotion the louder it comes through that way. And it probably means, that when either of us gets off balance by anxiety or overthinking or fear or second guessing, it destabilizes the other as well because of the way it resonates any emotion in one of us reaches the other. Especially when the overthinking etc is about the other one so we have them clearly front of mind focused. But. I think. It also means that if the other one just stays steady in a place of love toward the one feeling unsteady destabilized, that can help balance out the over thinking of the other. 

And I was reminded of it because just now there was that rush down the bond there was that thing he sometimes does which feels a bit like a forehead kiss on the third eye and a rush of emotions from him like, "Hi. Just wanted to be sure you know, I love you. And I miss you and I'm going to find my way to you." I'm not certain how else to describe it, but it's something that he does and reaches me strongly down the bond whenever he does it. It's what I mean when i say that sometimes he floods love down the bond and it's very heady drowns out everything else so it's all I can hear/feel with the strength of it when he does that. (And yes, like so much else, this is a just him thing. When I connect to Source/Divine and to unincarnated angelic beings/old gods/goddess/fée, it's all crown chakra, the energy cords to other people I care about in my life I feel pulling in my heart area and subconscious -- but everything via the bond to and from him and when I intentionally send him love and emotions, it flows through the third eye center of my forehead area.  I don't know why, I just know is. But the bond to him is different from normal energy cords to other people in my life this life, whether they be karmic cords or  emotional attachment cords or sexual attachment related cords (those tend to be root/sacral cords if I'm honest about it) and I've noticed that familial child-parent cords attach between the solar plexus but siblings/cousins tend to be heart chakra cords, but nobody but him reaches me that way so directly right through the third eye whether waking or sleeping. It's a just him thing to always reach me open anja chakra. It's always been that way with him, definitely always in this life but also something I do remember in at least some of our past lives -- it's how we've followed the pull of it to find and recognize each other before. Maybe I should look into what a third eye chakra relationship is and how/why it's different from the ways I connect to deities/angels/Source via crown chakra and how I connect to everyone else but him from heart chakra energy cords....I've never liked any of the terms for connections across lives, they all have a lot of layers of baggage and projections from other people's fucked up karmic patterns and that's why I always refer to it just as "the bond" rather than giving it a more commonly used label... But I'm curious if there's information about different relationship connection points that might be useful for me to look up given I just realized that the chakra point of connection IS different with him than the cords to any other soul I've ever known or forged a connection with. He's my only third eye chakra connection with the bond even if I don't put a label on it. And that is a just him thing....)

P.S. I was right! It is a thing but harder to find than some of the westernized new age concepts of soulmate/karmic/fated/twin flame (none of which labels I like because of assumptions/projections/usage reasons) but here's the site I found most illuminating about Vedic concepts of relationships originating from different chakras.I will look more into it later, but I'm intrigued that this is actually a concept in Vedic traditions, even if I just now noticed this aspect of how the bond to Eric is fundamentally differentiated from my other connections to other souls/spirits.

[apaprently I accdientally set this to draft last night; didn'tmean to, mostly small talk about unpredicted snow in April and my joy in the promised snow day]

 Today was a very good day. Everything turned a bit upside down by the afternoon and we had to reschedule my grandma's podiatry appointment to the 18, but that's alright. 

Apparently, when I decide on April Fools Day that I have 28.5 hours of work in  by Mon night AND 3 days of rainy chill in the bone dampness barely above freezing with 1-2" mixed precipitation and snow on Weds morning so I want to stay home cozy sit by the fire watch the April snows, the gods decide, "She wants snow? Let's give her snow!!! Snow Day for alllllll of Wisconsin!! For the entire north!" When I checked the weather right before I went to bed around 9 or 10pm last night, it was supposed to be all rain no snow in the mix til after 1am and only 1-2" predicted. I woke up to "expect at least foot of snow to fall between this afternoon and Thursday" 😆

This is the progression of the shifting forecast:

So I'm going to bed now with pretty well equal chances of 6-10, 10-15, and over 15" of snowfall. 😂 We will see what tomorrow brings. If Sarah comes into work, Mikaela is getting dropped off between 8 and 9 for cozy hearthfire and books and art and snuggly pets day. I brought home two salmon fillets from her mom's new order that's still at MCW for me to cook us salmon and rice and asparagus for lunch in case they don't plow me out again... If it's too dangerous for Sarah to come in or MCW decides nobody should come in, then I plan to make a big batch of slow cooker chili (Mikaela has never liked chili of any sort, thus why I wouldn't make it if she comes for a cozy day with her chosen family bonus older sister) and have chili and red wine tomorrow. We will see what happens. 

For an idea about how serious the Universe took me deciding Weds ought to be a snow day, here is the amount of snow at 2:40 after I finished eating lunch (they texted to include me in a North & South order -- so I had a bbq brisket bowl over cheesy hash browns and Mac and cheese with chipotle crema, red pepper corn salsa, and pickled red onions waiting for me after I finished my 7.5hr poll working shift and it started turning to hail/grapple at 1 that quickly turned to fast thick slushy wet snow my grandma could never navigate in her walker.) 

It was an odyssey of bad drivers/pedestrian choices and stalled cars on hills and perpendicular to the flow of traffic and completely off the road and snow covered wild turkeys using the school crosswalks for me to get to and from my polling place. But that's a saga for telling another time when I'm not so sleepy.... 

After I got back to work, we made hot cocoa with peppermint schnapps (they all had my Halloween marshmallows that contain pork gelatin so I couldn't have them, and I had marshmallow fluff which has no gelatin and sparkly butterfly springtime sprinkles!)

And then as long as I was there, I decided to work until at least 7 if not 8 to let the stupids all get off the roads and let prelim plowing happen. But as of right now since getting home and getting ready for bed, this is what they say for how much snowfall we ALREADY have (and last I looked the hourly forecasts are saying .7-1.2" of snow per hour from midnight til noon.)

Happy "The Weather Witch Asked For A Snow Day So We Give Her a Snow Day" Holiday -- celebrate this however you feel best and whatever the mornings accumulation allows, lol. Me, I'm headed to bed right now! I'm tiiiiired. And I will enjoy everything more on the other side of sleep! (Everything = snow, fire, books, tea, etc.) Bonne nuit!

 O right. So I didn't write about something that happened the night of the 31 (and again last night but not as great an extent.) I was going to, but then I had that internal, "Ahhh no no no Dani, not on April Fool's Day." which wasn't applicable for the true story about my coffee grinder but was for this true story.

So the story is simply.... When I got home and went straight to bed, the moment I lay down and my head touched the pillow, there was just this strongest rush of feeling down the bond of being held like, "There you are love. Come here let me hold you even across this distance. Silly girl, how could you ever believe this is something I don't feel and don't want?" It was really sweet. Probably the sweetest way to be told I'm an idiot and I shouldn't lie to myself no matter how I try to justify it.

Also, my goal to get hours in early this week has paid off (even with me heading home by like 10pm last night so I could get up in the middle of the night to get ready and make stupid early breakfast and make some air popped popcorn and tea to bring for a snack (we were told there's a break room for snacks, I won't bring anything I love too much or my purse to leave unattended there, most expensive thing I'm bringing is my electric kettle which would be a $30 replacement) and drop the dog off to kennel with her Billy Joel music at my office before a 6am start time to my poll worker shift. (the polling place I was assigned is literally a 6mins drive from my office, lol. Thus why I haven't left to go sit in the car in the rain and dark in a parking lot for over half an hour to awkwardly wait and read until the chief election officer unlocks the site. I definitely woke up wide awake at the witching hour 3am and decided it wasn't worth going back to sleep with my alarm going off in under an hour so I might as well get up to make coffee I could enjoy more leisurely and get dressed then make breakfast.

 (side-note: I realized talking to Sarah about the coffee grinder story yesterday, when it happened I was actually really mad (mostly at myself) but my temper was more frayed than that power cord when I went to go grind coffee. See, after my shower (so my hair wasn't even full of static electricity at all nor was I wearing a sweater or anything -- my hair was still sopping wet contained by a towel but wet and the rest of me was wearing a towel, so nothing to static except me, the frayed cable and the outlet.) Why was I angry? Well, I was at the point of needing to wash skivvies or not having any clean underwear for the next day, so I did thaton Sunday but because wrinkles don't much matter I had left them in the dryer after washing them. So after my shower but before coffee, I went to get the clean laundry out of the dryer and managed to shut my left middle finger in the mirrored sliding door in front of the washer/dryer. Hurt like a mofo left a white mark in the middle of my nail and I was cussing about it when I went to go make coffee on Monday and shorted out created a MASSIVE bright blue electrical arc in the coffee grinder and I'm lucky didn't start a fire. It did flip the fuse in the kitchen, so I had to go to the fuse box in the hallway to manually flip it back and then reset at the outlets before they would work this morning -- but they DID work after that so it doesn't seem like there was any more permanent damage from it.)

That said, it could also just be me NOT being angry and just too full of enrygy right now. When I checked on Crissy's cat Henry on Sunday, he couldn't get within 6 inches of me without getting static shocked and he finally hid purring under a chair wanting to be pet but not wanting to be touched because every time I touched him he got static shocked badly. I also pink arced the outlet at work as I was unplugging (with my right hand) the popcorn maker this morning AND I shocked one of my plants walking past it at work, lol. So it might just be a me problem and then I got angry after accidentally shutting a door on my own hand and tried to use a retractable cord grinder that the cable was in a bad way, lol..... Lot of factors it seems, lol

Ack! Now I got to go to not be late. And of course Scenes From an Italian Restaurant JUST started on the Billy Joel mix. Because of course it did. Going to be stuck in my head alllll day now.... At least it's a song I like! Yesterday's earworm was Simon & Garfunkel's Scarborough Fair (Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme) which I also like, but it was hours of just the chorus of it playing in my head until some unknown melody piano part was randomly in my head in the late afternoon/early evening.

O, here you go before I forget, here are the emailed Astro Poets horoscopes this week, still all very on the theme of big love for both Libra and Pisces and not the other signs:

"Week of 3/31 in Libra: You hold the pink and blue day in front of you. Love and all of its worth. You know what you can know and that’s everything. You are worshipped and adored. Sit with the positive feelings of love."

"Week of 3/31 in Pisces: It’s finally a bitter sight. But then you will make it sweet again. You have that power. You have the power of light. You have the power of love."

 On the scale from 1 to April Fools Day with solar flares and Mercury goes retrograde today, my prank from the Universe this morning was a very vehement, "NO COFFEE FOR YOU!" 

As in, went to go plug in the grinder and there was a massive blue spark at the base of the grinder arced as I got the plug about 1.5mm from the outlet -- flipped all the breakers in the kitchen which I reset at each of the outlets. It also surged the surge protector plugged in the kitchen for the living room air purifier so that was not working at all. After I let it discharge, I got the air purifier to work plugged into another surge protector so it's still working. The surge protector was not working but now it's discharged, we're testing it at work. Microwave powered back up after I reset the outlets but haven't used it or tested it yet. 

Something is a little wrong with the wiring in the kitchens, those outlets need to get reset any time you plug in the wrong outlet (some are top and some bottom in the outlet) or when the neighbors downstairs plug too many things in their kitchen outlets. 

That said, I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself worse or start a fire plugging that in -- luckily the electric spark was on the opposite side from my hand. I think that what happened is that it shorted from the plastic casing on the cable creating exposed copper wire. See, it was the kind of coffee/spice grinder where the cord coils up inside and then you pull it out for use and rewind it between uses. However, where those retractable cables catch as you pull them out of the internal winding chamber, it wears the way that retractable leashes do where you stop them, and it breaks for the same reason eventually. So right at the base where it pulls out then stops and about one coil more than that, the plastic has broken through to exposed copper -- and they must have lined up internally close enough to arc. That's my theory at least based on what I observed, what I know about the physics of electricity, and the evidence of the cord itself after the fact. 

But it was before I even got the plug in the socket is the weird part -- and it was my left hand holding the coffee grinder for the jolt, not the hand right by the outlet to plug it in.... and what's curious about that is that how my chi/prana flow works when I use my gifts is that my left palm is energy to come in whereas my right is energy to flow out (love energy and telepathy related gifts to people I have cords to flows in flooding through my crown chakra and is a separate flow pattern from the chi/prana raw willpower gifts, chi/prana/reiki work is all energy inflow in my left palm and energy outflow in my right and the power I build up when I close the circuit bring my hands together gets crazy strong really fast) -- like if I'm doing healing hands work, I take away pain with my left hand while I use my right hand to accelerate the healing knitting of tissues or guide immune cells to heal faster. But yeah, take a look at the spot on the retractable cord where it always naturally stops. 

I'm lucky I didn't start a fire making a short like that!

So I finished my cuppa nilgiri black tea and called into work asked if I could get on the lunch order (and steal the remaining coffee because coffee day in the office and I wanted coffee to give me payience before a grandma appointment in case she was having a difficult day) rather than make eggs or oatmeal without coffee to go with it. 

So I had Longhorn French onion soup and their lunch pepper steak salad with no bleu cheese at lunch. And Grandma had a fever and upset tummy so rescheduled her appointment to April 29 instead. So I'm at work with the doggos and humans today.

Also. It's been hours. But DANG BUT MY LEFT HAND STILL TINGLES AND HURTS FROM THE KICK ON THAT ELECTRIC SHOCK!!! Still hours later it's tingling. This is worse than the time in college when I accidentally engulfed in a fireball my entire right arm, half my torso, all my long hair, and the back of my head -- I was fine nothing burned or singed (not even my hair which was halfway down my back while natural curly could have sat on it if it weren't curly) and not a mark on me but it felt like phantom flames crawling all over my skin the whole rest of the night.  This from the electricity zap is a bit like that but the tingling is INSIDE my left hand not on my energy bubble a half inch or so outside my skin.  Feels like I've got fire ants crawling all up and down inside my finger bones and chewing on my knuckles as a tasty snack.... 

I have the coffee grinder from work we don't use (the current coffee maker has an internal grinder) so I can make coffee tomorrow morning before heading to the polling place I'm working to be there for a 6am shift.