Where am I today? I wish that I knew. 'Cause looking around there's no sign of you. I don't remember one jump or one leap. Just quiet steps away from you lead. I'm holding my heart out but clutching it, too. Feeling this short of a love that we once knew. Calling this a home when it's not even close, I'm playing the role with nerves left exposed. Standing on a darkened stage, Stumbling through the lines. Others have excuses, I have my reasons why. We get distracted by the dreams of our own, But nobody's happy while feeling alone. And knowing how hard it hurts when we fall, We lean another ladder against the wrong wall.

 Ooft. My condo management company (the new one hired over the summer after the old one decided they were just retiring and closing their doors with little or no warning gave us two months to find another company and do handover) who placed their bid at $365 per month per unit to get the contract with the board then just recently announced that starting Jan 1 it would be $390 per month per unit.....anyway, they sent out an email about the official dog policy as apparently there is dog waste on the property and asked that all people with dogs or who see dogs on the property are known to thr company and properly exempted (either belong to unit owners who have had a dog here since prior to 2009, which is me, or who have registered medical or certified therapy dog, which could also be me due to the migraines if I need to certify her) and owners are always picking up waste to dispose properly and keeping dogs on leash at all times when not in unit. 

So I emailed back about my dog and how she complies to the changed rule, detailing the dogs known in the building but admitting I have no idea in 96 with the shared garage or the other building, mentioned that neighbors with dogs often cut through the lot and properties and dont always pick up if the issue is outside, my willingness for cameras in common areas to figure out who is allowing their dog to go in the garage on cold/wet days (an ongoing problem), my willingness to once again hold a vote on the pet policy given there are at least five dogs in 66 alone and nobody else who voted in 2012 to keep the dog policy is still here, and said that if there are forms that were lost in the transition to please let me know as I will happily fill them out. 

But before I wrote a reply back, fuck all if I didn't hit my temper fuse at dealing with this zombie issue battle of the last 12-13 years of my life about the stupid dog policy change and go online and look at dog friendly condos and small houses in the area.... There are some right around the price range my tax evaluation is at, including one right down the road nearby that also has a fireplace in the living room, and while it wouldn't be a great time to take out a mortgage given current rates (I would need more than I currently have to buy a new place and to cover what remains on my current 12yr mortgage refi and my heloc) I could negotiate a refi or heloc when rates come back down..... And then I started asking myself if I wanted another condo or if I should stretch goal a small house (I've always had a thing for cottage and cabin types, I like a house that feels just the right size for the lives inside it to fit without too much empty rooms; the house I grew up in is a seaside cottage style with lots of eaves and gables; I like tall ceilings and doorways because I'm just shy of 5'8, but I don't like too many unfilled empty rooms in a home) in the woods with space for a garden. Because as convenient as living less than 5mins from work is, if I'm going to go to the effort of selling my condo and moving me, why repeat the same pattern into somewhere similar but just new to me but still with the issues of condo association boards and shared neighbors making choices that cause me migraines. shouldn't I move to a place that is ACTUALLY what I want, in or near woods with space for my flowers and herbs and fruits/veggies gardens and the inside all cozy full of goldenness and wood grains and books and music and art and fur babies..... And I've gotten spoiled having an indoor fireplace, I always wanted one in my bedroom growing up and now I've had one in my living room for over 15 years, I do want a real wood burning fireplace anywhere I live.... and then I asked where I would want that to be, and my heart just cried out, "somewhere there's snow covering everything from like mid-Nov through mid-March." Which used to be here, but global warming means that's not really how southern Wisconsin is right now....

And since I wasn't certain trying to find another condo or small house right in Madison was my best future path for what I most truly desire, I decided not to contact my credit union about my price range looking to move or my uncle who's a retired construction worker and carpenter to come help me get the place ready to sell.... And so I sucked it up, calmed down, and wrote as succinct but complete a reply to Brittany at Broihahn as I could. (I CAN actually write succinctly, I just need a framework structure and a word count to contain all my "thinking of which" moments. Without that, editing my flow of consciousness if it's in conversational flow form just makes it longer because in rereading, I think of more new things than I pare out ADHD digressions.... I'm afraid in written form, you get nothing at all or massive epistles from me and unless you ask for a word count limit or sticking to a 5 paragraph essay format, you're just sol on length because brevity is not my forte if I'm interested at all in the topic or the questions it raises...)

But that is how close I am right now to saying, "fuck the logistics, I'm done and moving me and my animals and all my books the fuck out of here" between the ongoing dog related issue(s), the migraines triggered by the synthetic perfumes used in hallways and other units that seep into my unit, the continuously increasing condo association fees (for comparison, Ian lives in a comparable sized condo west side of Madison that doesnt have asinine dog policies and he and Jane pay $285 per month in association dues), and also the nastiness of the Beans down the hall (neighbors down the hall, replaced the darling French professor and his wife I adored and who loved Audrey Pupburn and I reminded them of their daughter; but they retired moved back to France and the Beans moved in who are nasty mean gone so far left as hippies they turned right, maga trump supporters  who are petty dictators only here half the year, the other half in California, but as petty dictators with him on the board always have to find a crusade making everyone's life miserable.)

Bah. Hopefully the dog issue won't spiral worse.... This is the first the new management association has weighed into the fray on it. And one of the other dog owners is also on the board of the condo association. But if the new neighbors dog keeps barking so much once the Beans are back then it's going to be absolute hell with trying to enforce the pet policy and neighbors being nasty all over again about any dogs in the building.... (the Beans drove out the disabled man who used to live there with two cats by complaining the cats created an ammonia smell on their end of the hall that seeped into their unit made it uninhabitable and then after many months of propping open the fire door at the top of the stairs until fire department threatened to fine the association they put Jim on the board insisted that the new carpet under three years old had to be torn out and replaced because it must be holding/retaining the doors in either the carpet or the cement underneath it....his mobility issues we're getting worse and worse to consider it, but he told me it was their continued bullying sniping during board meetings and nastiness was the final straw. They also came knocking on my door one day before Tony got his dog down the hall to tell me that on their way bringing up groceries they found dirt with their own shoe tracks on it that was in the hall had to be dog poop from my dog dried up dropped off her further down in the hallway past my door. They were VERY upset when my answer was to get scientific clinical and examine it say, "there's no litter in it or any sort of obvious litter matter. Let me grab a paper towel to examine it closer. It doesn't smell like feces of any sort and it's too light colored sandy for a dog. It still has a shoe print on it, may I see yours to see if it matches? Or shall I just throw away this dried mud off your shoes for you?" He blushed bright crimson and they haven't tried anything like that with me since though they have with Tony and the previous cat owner. I told you, entitled maga trump supporting petty dictators who still think they're free spirited hippies so the rules don't apply to them but they get to make them up for everyone else.... And he's on the condo board because they're retired with nothing better to do....)

Anyway. There are many reasons I'd be happy to consider a relocation and selling my condo, even though it means moving all my books, if I just had a reason or a somewhere to move to. 

In other news, this is how exposed Waffles' quick is after I took the bandage off. (Bandages should be changed every 24 hours or sooner for any wound type, human or animal. And she was begging me to take it off her so she could walk normally again.) 

She really did not want me to put a bandage back on for her to go outside (at least the ground is frozen with no thaw coming up and no appréciable snow til Tues) and wounds need to breathe to heal. Infection risk is still high since the quick is a vein connected directly to the bone, but it is call using over and that nail is regrowing fast. I am washing it after she goes outside but leaving it be as long as she doesn't lick at it too much for tonight. If it's a problem, back in the bandage for tomorrow.

I did not attend Eric's Livestream tonight. I was pulling old vendor files for the shredder when I presume he went live if he did. I mean, he wasn't live at the times I looked up his profile, I had no idea what time he was thinking as only his tweet in the inexplicable notifications from X formerly known as Twitter, and I didn't use this as an excuse to follow his Instagram account again (in which case I would have gotten a notification when he went live since my insta does notify me when any accounts I follow go live.) I considered following him again while I had his profile searched up -- didn't look like he has posted anything new since I stopped following him but looked like some posts were maybe missing but I didn't know what. But ultimately I decided against following him again because nothing has changed as far as the source of pain to me from him sharing from his band's Instagram account -- I'm still blocked from the official Delta Rar account for being honest in 2018 that the country music at live shows was too painful to my synesthesia so no matter how much I liked any new songs I was going to have to stop attending shows for the foreseeable future while that was a thing. And since I'm still blocked from that account for my honesty, any time he shares anything to his stories from his band's account or where his band is tagged, it's going to be that same mixture of hurt and anger and injustice in me and nobody needs that bitter negativity that his sisters choices in 2018 created and continue to create -- its better that I shut down opportunities rather than let it continue to fester rather than heal by moving on. It's not about needing to see the content, I could make a burner account for that, it's a matter of principle and the injustice of the bullying via ostracism that the girls engaged in back in 2018 and then have defensively refused to make right any time it's been brought up since then. I ain't got time for girl bullying bullshit ostracism games, you don't want to exist to me, okay don't -- I will respect your ostracism boundary and do my best to remove reminders and sources that bring you back into my circle of attention. There are other bands I can listen to given I'm not welcome or included as a Delta Rae fan, as far as anything I can do, the band is dead dead and I have no interest in any new music from them or even listening to the old songs I once loved as along as I'm blocked on the band page and I have no interest in any solo projects involving either of the girls or anything their vocals are on because they made it clear ostracism is their choice and they dont want to exist to me or even allow the band to exist. 

But to go back to following his Instagram again is to just constantly be opening myself back up to reopening the wounds of that female bullying via ostracism injustice and my hurt and anger over it. And I don't choose to let them in to have that power over me anymore -- I'd rather not follow him or have those glimpses into his social media presence than allow further hurt opening up old wounds from that toxic behavior pattern that Liz and Britt created in 2018. I would rather give him up on social media and not allow his Instagram be a way to reach me than to allow him to be used as means of hurting me in stupid bullying games the girls created in 2018 and have never even acknowledged or tried to make right when brought up to them. It's old stupid mind games bullshit and I don't want him in the middle of it being a means for it to reach me or to have me feeling hurt/anger/injustice every time I see him. It's not fair to me or to him. I'd rather not know what he chooses to share there than have him be a focus for such toxicity. Of course I'd rather have the toxicity just be gone and to be able to follow him again and only feel the joy in what I see that he shares -- but that's not one of my options I can make happen. It's not like I can access the account and unblock me so I can just be delighted by whatever he shares from what he's building his life around. So the next beat option given that toxicity DOES exist and WILL exist as long as the bullying by ostracism of me being blocked for my honesty back in 2018 exists, is that I create my own boundaries removing myself from situations where that toxicity is periodically given rebirth to cause new hurt in old wounds. Not ideal, it means that he can't reach me via his Instagram and I miss out on the joy in anything else he might share that I would love.....but it's the best answer I have given I can't unblock myself and I understand why he shares stuff from his band's page or that tags his band. It was a really fucking amazing band and I loved them and their music very much before the girls chose bullying via ostracism as how to handle social media when they didn't like a truth and I've struggled really fucking hard at letting go of the songs I loved so much because I genuinely really love(d) the music and everything the band claimed to stand for -- and I still would love it just as much as ever if not for the choices the girls made in 2018 which created toxicity and still creates it because I'm still blocked. Those ripples are still causing damage because the problem was ghosted and evaded so the toxic consequences continue to pool rather than faced to clean it up bring healing. It's stupid but those are t my choices to make, all I can do is choose whether I want to continue in the interactions or not when acknowledgement and healing aren't offered on the table. 

He's still paying for third party choices and the toxic behaviors done/perpetuated in the band's name. But me not following him (not blocked or anything, just don't follow him any longer) and the lack those absences might make causes way less damage than was happening every time he had stories shared I couldn't watch or I would dread clicking on his picture in case it was the same damn message yet again. I mean, every time it happened, it meant that the toxicity of the hurt/anger/injustice or the dread of maybe getting something to make me smile or maybe receiving bullying via ostracism making me feel unwelcome and unwanted was getting subjectively associated with HIS picture and image even though from his side all he was doing was sharing a cool post/story from the page of the band he's in. And nothing healthy towards or with him could happen from getting those emotions tangled up in my subconscious with his picture/image.... The subconscious is a beast once it latches onto an idea/association and it's much harder to dig out wrong associations than to stop them from being created/perpetuated....

So that's why I unfollowed him after whatever he was trying to share from the band account in July. And that's why I didn't go back to follow him again even with the temptation of a live tonight to be able to see him with my own eyes gauge how he's doing. Because however fragile he's feeling recently, feeding negative associations into seeing him will only make things more fragile and cause more pain to grow between us. And I don't want to knowingly feed into  any more connections between us mixed with unnecessary pain and difficulties -- I've had enough pain and difficulties, thank you very much. A void, an emptiness, a nothing, is better than a something that makes us associate hurt/injustice with seeing each other, y'know? 

I want to create and feed connections between us of strength and love and healing and support and hope. That's what I want. It's all I've ever wanted... and it's stupid so much interference has gotten in the way of that. But where I can't nurture what I want to be between us, I'll choose an emptiness over feeding patterns of behaviors/reactions that are exactly opposite what I want to exist between us.

I don't know if all that good and beautiful potential can happen without healing the past.... Not glossing over pretending it  never happened or trying to bury it forget it, just acknowledging the cracks of what broke and how/why and making kintsugi/kintsukuroi to repair the breaks in gold so the vessel can be whole and stronger/more beautiful for the repairs made to how it broke. But I do know that I don't want to take part in anything that feeds further breaking. I'd rather choose removing myself into emptiness over knowingly taking part in repeating the patterns that break us make what should be beautiful and easy with toxicity and hardship. We need to find a way to stop repeating the same toxic patterns that haven't worked for us and to allow healing to create beauty from the cracks of how things broke if you want me to trust that reaching back the way I want to will be healthier than maintaining an absence where presence could/should be......

I don't ask that we go back to how things were before the choices in 2018 broke everything made it all so fucking hard.... I just ask that we acknowledge the breaking so we can fill the cracks with gold and finally heal into something more beautiful for the love put into repairing -- instead of ignoring/perpetuating patterns that breed more toxicity to create new cracks. I don't want to choose a void, I want to repair the cracks with gold and make it more beautiful for the love and intention put into fixing things repairing with gold rather than discarding the broken pieces as being too broken not worth the effort to even try....

Maybe I want too much to ask that we repair the broken pieces with gold. But I think it worth it. I still think it beautiful and worth the conscious effort and choosing love to repair with gold and make it more beautiful for having been so lovingly repaired after it was broken. I told you, I'm a girl who wants what she wants and doesn't know how to fall out of love with anything that appeals to her to love it. I know what I WANT to choose and that's to do whatever the hell it takes and whatever is in my power to repair with gold what was broken in 2018.  Me choosing absence/void and not following him again on insta or joining his livestream where I was afraid of feeling ostracized/unwanted due to the blocking the girls did in 2018 is me making the best I can of the options I see available to me right now so we don't keep breaking things smaller and more fractured till it's shattered beyond any hope of repairing the breaks with gold. Because maybe I'm the only one who gives a damn about wanting to repair things, let alone repairing the broken cracks with gold, but I still care enough to refrain from taking part in destruction to the pieces remaining that would remove all chances that in the future someone else might meet me partway so we can actually repair the broken cracks with gold and make the newly repaired piece more beautiful for the love/intention used to repair it with gold.

And sometimes I doubt that anyone but me ever has or ever will care about wanting to fix what got broken in 2018.... Whether I should just give up on a hope to fix with gold what nobody else seems to want to recognize or care was/is broken. But even at my most full of doubts asking why the hell I care when nobody else seems to care or want to try, the worst I have ever wanted to do in that case is give up with all the pieces as intact as possible in the hopes that maybe someday someone other than just me will care enough to try to repair the broken edges with gold and make something beautiful again. The worst in me is to abandon it as not being able to repair with gold because nobody else is willing to help me try. It's not in my nature to want to smash and shatter the pieces beyond the possibility of repairing in gold....the worst I have it in me to do is to give up hope and abandon, to leave it broken, unable to bring the pieces back together with enough love/intention to repair the cracks with gold...

And. Also. It breaks my heart every time I get to thinking/believing that way. I never try to give up hope or abandon or let go with a whole heart.... I'm always broken inside when I try to do it, even if I don't show it.

P. S. This is Leah Whitehorse's interpretation of the current astrology as Fri night moves into Sat and throughout Sat: 

"Sun in Capricorn square Chiron in Aries - Old wounds are visible now and we may feel more vulnerable or self-conscious than usual. Physical or emotional scars could feel like flaws that we must hide from others or a weakness that should be overcome. But, if we can share our pain, then each of us shines brighter. Old hurts can become teachers. Old wounds can become gifts... Push yourself enough to work through your fears, blocks and challenges but not so much that you break. Breathe light into what hurts you to alleviate pain. Don’t let your suffering define you."

It does feel quite relevant to what I wrote here immediately before seeing Leah's post.  Like, spot on regarding a better take/advice how the old pain from that unhealed toxicity created in 2018 and still allowed to fester and spread is what kept me from giving Eric's Instagram another follow so I could get notifications about any potential live. How the old unhealed toxic patterns and wounds are what's blocking me letting him reach me with new opportunities. 

Because it's really nothing about him qua him that kept me from giving that opportunity for reconnection for him to reach me -- it was about not wanting to return to hurt by replaying the old patterns of toxicity knowing the source of it is still there, still making ripples and affecting the present because its never yet been properly acknowledged and dealt with so it can heal instead of always reopening old wounds. 

It wasn't that I didn't want to see him or reach out with love in response to that opportunity offered. I very much did want to see him and respond with love and take that opportunity immediately I saw it on offer. I just didn't want it to be turned into a back stabbing source of poison from the old unhealed bullshit -- and given that nothing has changed, I judged there was a very real possibility of that occurring if I were to take the opportunity and trust leaning into it..... But there's a lot of me that regrets not taking the opportunity even with that risk of something third party breeding new pain into the old wounds created in 2018, because opportunities for any connections between him and me seem like they're always so few and far between. 

[Post title: lyrics to the song Reasons Why by Nickel Creek.]

 So Waffles has been needing her nails trimmed since before Thanksgiving and my parents said not to worry about it they would trim Waffles' nails for me when they trimmed Sophie's (their dog) while I was gone visiting my sister and Waffles was staying with them -- but then they didn't.  With my sister's family, when Waffles was their dog, they would have to dose her with high levels of anti-anxiety meds and muzzle her and take her in to do her nails and she still fought. She was a HIGHLY defensive anxious dog with them and I was the only person she let touch her paws when she was their dog though now she's relaxed enough with me that she generally lets anyone she trusts touch them. I have trimmed her nails since she moved in with me however I need a second person to do it to hold her still so she doesn't fight twitch away and end up getting cut to the quick. I also have no stipple powder at home right now, so nicking the quick on the cat or dog would be a lot of blood. And every time someone has said they would help me with it in Nov, they then just didn't, they found excuses couldn't make it and I didn't press the issue. But it was definitely Mikaela, Sarah, Crissy, and both my parents multiple times who flaked out on helping me do it before I was leaving town. Which is why my parents said not to worry about it because they would trim the nails of both dogs while they were gone and they didn't so they were very long by this week begin an extra month overdue for a trim. I've been back only a week and had a busy week still need a second person to help for trimming her nails (one person holds/reassures her while the other trims the nails) but Waffles has light colored nails like a cat (unlike Audrey who had dark nails) so you can easily see the quick to avoid nicking it while trimming her nails. So they're easy to see, just easier to do for a dog when I have a second person so one can hold while the other trims the nails. I can do the cat by myself, but any dog over 15lbs, it's easier to have a second person to help hold them steady for nail trims. Well, today Waffles took care of it herself.... She was playing after dinner and went to go jump for the ball and one of her hind claws caught in the carpet and tore. So much blood on her paw...

So I took her to the other room (where I can close the door so she couldn't run to hide from me) and I could wash the wound and apply compression to staunch the bleeding since I have no stipple powder at work. While cleaning the wound to get a closer look at it while triaging it, she yipped and fought me and tore the nail the rest of the way off.... 

Luckily the vet right next door to work was still open for another 10mins. (and Dr. Mason is very nice, he saw Audrey and me during Audrey's last week or so when our regular vet was out of town after having a not great experience with another vet at the clinic Audrey had been at since I got her as a puppy.) Luckily, they were willing to take us to an exam room (even though they hadn't seen Waffles before) and Dr. Mason said it was torn down to the quick but I had done a good job cleaning it and bandaging it and if it wasn't for infection risk to get an antibiotic prescription, she probably wouldn't needed to have been brought in with how well I bandaged it. 

We opted to do a nail trim as long as I was there to just get the others done so she didn't catch them in anything and she was incredibly good about it -- Dr. Mason trimmed her nails and the vet tech/receptionist helped hold her from the other side reassure her while Waffles just sat with her head on my chest and I told her how good she is and pet her.  She definitely was like, "Alright, trimming the nails is WAY better than having one tear out then, isn't it?" Then Dr. Mason re-bandaged her paw (the same way I had bandaged it) and he prescribed her two meds -- an anti-inflammatory to help with the pain so she won't lick at it and amoxycillin because the risk of infection inside the quick is the biggest risk of a torn claw. The nail trim was only $25, but the unexpected visit and the meds made for $150 and a lot of blood but now it's done. I've only ever had a dog tear a dew claw before so I didn't realize how much blood a hind claw bleeds and I felt that in a foot injury like that, the risk of infection is high enough she should be on antibiotics of some sort and I can't apply topical on it while it hurts her so badly -- so if the vet next door HADN'T been looking to see her, I would have had to consider an emergency vet (far more expensive) just to get the antibiotic rx for her.

I didn't get any pictures of how bloody her paw was or the injury though -- I was in cold calculating triage mode. (ADHD with a Capricorn moon -- I respond to an emergency by going into deadly calm clinical logical triage mode focusing on the concrete immediate things that have to be done. Always have, always will.  It's the most decisive you will ever see a Libra sun Pisces rising, no overthinking all the different sides -- the more important the circumstances that need to be dealt with, the more decisive and assured I get with no doubts. When a person needs to do something right the first time and immediately, I get incredibly calm authoritative and do what needs to be done. No questions or overthinking, just acting to do what needs to be done. There's no time for emotions or indecisiveness in the middle of dealing with a crisis so you just calmly do what needs to be done. That with my love of sceince and healing is why i was pre-med with Medical Microbiology & Immunology as one of my majors in college. before I realized that the things I wanted to do (fix people when they break and help people to not break) aren't a damn thing that the American medical-pharmaceutical-insurance system is about letting me do and having an MD without practicing puts a person at MASSIVE liability risk whether they act or not. But the calm decisive triage mode in a crisis is still a huge part of my nature -- ain't got time for anything but the concrete most important steps of immediate necessity when you're in the eye of the storm.)  But I do have pictures of her bandaged paw and I have the bloody claw she tore out, she found that for me when i went looking for it after we got back... 

Poor girl, I'm sure it hurts like a mofo though to have torn it that badly.... I may see if I can get her to wear Audrey's old snow boots Audrey never wore. (She would undo the velcro then send the boots flying as fast as I could get one on her, so I never actually succeeded in getting her out the door with all 4 of her snow boots on. But I'm thinking with the snow coming on Tues and Thurs and the salt people will be putting out, until that nail grows out, it might be good to keep her in boots for going outside.

 She's fine, mostly resting and she's listened to me about not licking or biting at the foot (I did warn her if she couldn't obey about not licking it, we'd have to put her in a cone of shame.) She gets excited WANTS to play, and will full out run when she just forgets about the bandage but then she realizes the bandage is too bulky to walk on it so she tries not putting weight on it then gets frustrated limping. So then she just sighs and limps back over to her kennel to lay down again.

 

The bandage can come off tomorrow night when I can gently clean it as long as I don't take the scab off and then re-bandage if it looks like it needs it, but no long walks and if she needs to go outside in the wet/mud (it's winter, there's snow/mud everywhere, lol) then I need to put a bag over the bandage treat it like a cast to keep her from getting excess moisture or dirt inside the quick while it's healing.  Again, an infection in the quick of the nailbed is the big concern right now until it scabs over and the new claw grows in enough to protect the quick. And she has a course of three days of antibiotics/anti-inflammatory drugs every 12 hours. (7 antibiotics, 6 antiinflammatory) And Dr. Mason will text me tomorrow to checkin see how she's doing. (they also called and texted to checkin on Audrey after seeing her even though she was so sick.

And of course she did this on the evening of my da's birthday party. (His birthday was Tuesday, but North & South was closed that day so he had everybody show up tonight.) A small number of family and coworkers but mostly people who have known me since I was a kid and his poker buddies. My parents provided apps (none with pork so I could eat it) and it was $5 martini night so I had a couple passion fruit martinis. Luckily, the poor girl was QUITE happy to just curl up in her kennel and sleep and listen to the Billy Joel mix that I put on for her whenever I leave her. It's the same Billy Joel mix I played for Audrey as babysitter whenever I left her by herself. The cat's favorite is George Winston and the dogs love their Billy Joel and frankly, I love both and they're two of my forever favorites so I'm pretty pleased with how this all worked out as far as music in my household, lol. She was good and the bandage is still on properly and doesn't look gnawed on or licked to death.

So anyway, that was my evening. I am grateful for the meds though, because the risk of infection in the quick is my biggest concern. I'll keep monitoring it and then if anything looks awry, I'll have to see about taking her back to Dr. Mason or taking her to see Erin.

P.S. Thinking of which! Completely unrelated to the dog or potential infections/blood poisoning or anything like that.

So I stopped using my Twitter account back last summer or fall, I don't remember when but I do recall it was after George Winston died. It was due to choices El*n Fuckface had made but I don't remember if my last straw was changing blue checkmarks from verified expert in the field into paid account or if it was his banning of news organizations who allowed journalists to investigate him or his companies and especially those who published anything critical of him such as NPR or if it was the increased racist attacks on the platform that I saw widespread in the accounts I followed.... (I am NOT an El*n fan, he's the closest thing to a real world Lex Luther that has existed since either Rockeferller or Ford -- I think he's a dirty money egomaniac with no moral compass who is easily swayed into becoming a conspiracy theorist who buys good companies up that could change the future and then runs them into the ground or forces them to conform to his white-centric Libertarian worldview where people like him get whatever they want. He would like to make himself the demagogue that Tr*mp is and have people call him the savior of humanity in gratitude and demagogues with savior complexes are fucking terrifying!) Anyway, I stopped using my Twitter account and there were a lot of reasons leading up to it but I can't remember now which was my final last straw. But now, here's the thing -- I don't use it, the app is set to never send push notifications BUT I get pop up notifications EVERY time Eric tweets anything. Not when he retweets or replies, but his actual tweets show up on my phone notifications and I don't know why or how and the app is blocked from accessing anything or sending push notifications. And it's a JUST him thing... Not a notification that he tweeted, the ACTUAL tweet messages show up next to his name next to the symbol for X. But the entire message he puts up. And it makes no sense whatsoever. And I just wanted to bring it up because it happened today about if he should go live on Instagram (where I unfollowed him because in like July or something like that when he was resharing things either from the band instagram account or his sister and because I was blocked by his sister on both those accounts back in 2018, they just show up with him having a colored circle in my stories but then it would say "this story is unavailable to you" and that would just make me feel a complex of hurt, anger, injustice all over again and I decided I wasn't at that time getting enough joy from his account to outweigh all those feelings being forced upon me whenever I saw he had an unwatched story and I wouldn't know til clicking it if it was something I could watch or something that would just upset me) but without that random ass notification, I'd never have even known anything about him ever going live on insta just as I have no idea if he's gone live at all since I unfollowed him there. AND then also, not that long ago a notification of his general well wishing for New Year's. And that's twice in under a week and coincidences are rare and this one confuses the hell out of me because Twitter/X never had any permissions for notifications and it only happens from his account and only since I stopped using my twitter account.

It's hard for me to be entirely certain, but I think the animals may have missed me. Just a little. 😆 

I've not had a moment at home without one or both animals physically laying on me except when I'm standing up, eating, or in the bathroom...Including when I'm sleeping, one or both of them are laying on some part of me (the dog tends to lay across my legs so I can't go anywhere without her knowing, the cat tends to lay either on my chest aligned along my sacral to heart chakras or curled up by my head in the crown chakra space and whichever spot he's in he purrs almost constantly.) More often than not, both fur babies want to lay on me and it turns out my lap is just not spacious enough for that. Which leads to both trying at once and neither fitting until the dog tries to lick the cat to tell him she loves when he snuggles with her -- and by snuggles with her I mean literally curls up across her back or alongside me and across whatever part of the dog is closest. When the dog tries to join while the cat is already on my lap, the cat scrunches in toward my torso and the dog tries to just lay along my legs and usually one of them ends up with the head resting on the other until the dog starts enthusiastically licking the cat because she's so happy we're all snuggling together. Sometimes the cat will sit on the arm of the chair and then just soft paw bat at the dog's ears until she makes room for him or leaves.

Mostly though, it's this sort of internet meme style "but what about me, I thought you loved me" sad eyes from whoever is not on my lap while the other one is -- and I will have very little time to get up between when one jumps off my lap and the other one jumps up. Unless I announce to the room, "Bedtime" and then they both head at top speed to the bedroom impatient for me to catch up to them.

 

The fur babies DEFINITELY spend a lot of time wishing that I had a bigger lap than I do so they could both fit on it.

I have a pretty firm feeling that you should never have more (uncaged) indoor fur babies than you have hands to pet them within the household. That way you are always able to give love to the fur baby familiars whenever they need it. Which means that as long as I live by myself, I can have two dog(s)/cat(s) in any combination I desire but no more BUT I could have feather friends or reptile friends or fishy friends or caged animals that get snuggle time just for them AND/OR outdoor fur friends like horses and cows and sheep and goats (but especially horses, I do really love horses, cliche as that is of me.) But as long as I'm living by myself, I have to limit the number of dogs/cats I own to only as many as I have hands to pet them with -- but if I moved in with someone, we could instantly double the number of household dogs/cats I feel are right/fair to the animals by my arbitrary rule.

That said, I can't have more while in my current condo.... Though technically, the rule is still officially no dogs though there are lots of exemptions for it, almost all in my building, and it started with my Audrey girl being so long grandfathered in from before the rule change about dogs. Including the new neighbor whose pittie mix dog has been barking all day every day when its owner isn't home.... And yes, on more than one occasion since I got back from Kirkland it's been ALL day long.... 

Also, there's a lot of reasons I'm thinking it would be better for me to sell my condo and move, beyond just the pet policy and the continuous barking from the new dog who moved in down the hall.  The migraines from the synthetic perfumes in personal care products/air fresheners/cleaning products is my main one --it's really hard for me to plan my day when I never know if I'll even be functional able to get out of bed or if my neighbor downstairs whose bathroom vent fan goes into the crawl space NOT vented out of the building and thus comes straight up into my master bathroom.  Also also, after the most recent condo association meeting, condo dues are raised to nearly $400/month per unit and we're not getting anything better for it than we ever got before.... However, housing market is hella pricey right now so no idea where I would move to if I sold my unit AND moving me with all my books is a fucking nightmare because I own a LOT of books AND there are some repairs and things that need to be done before I could consider selling and I just don't have the diy skillset or the money set aside to get those things done that need to be done. Especially the master bathroom which needs the most work tbh. I love my unit, but the surrounding circumstances of the building complex are creeping into my life and definitely bringing down my quality of life weekly if not nearly daily.....And I'm paying like $4.7k per year in condo fees for the inconveniences of my neighbors. (That said, moving wouldn't necessarily solve that unless I could find some sort of house or townhouse style where there isn't shared hvac or hallways.) Also the nearly $3k per year in city property taxes.....

Anyway, I FEEL like the Universe is trying to shove me out of the nest in my housing situation getting progressively worse, but I have no idea where I'm supposed to jump TO and it's hard to just sell the condo you do have when your job and family and core friends are all here in the area with expensive rents/homes everywhere and you have absolutely no reason to move anywhere else... Like, uprooting me (yes even with all my books) would be a simple thing for me to just decide to do if I had a REASON to do it and a WHY or even a WHERE -- but I have none of that. No reason or why or where, just this sense that the Universe is making things increasingly more and more uncomfortably difficult where I AM to try to  push me that I have to make a big sweeping change and just GO before I get completely shoved out. I just have no idea where I'm supposed to be looking to go TO. If that makes any sense, lol. Hopefully wherever I'm supposed to jump TO is a house where I can have whatever fur babies I damn well please and no neighbors with synthetic perfumes giving me migraines in me own damn home and especially a garden space of my own at home not just my work garden and pots and balcony of flowers....  Yes, an actual house would be nice, even though it's significantly more upkeep and it would not be at all practical to have a house living by myself... Not a huge house, just one with space enough for me and my housemates (of whatever species) and my books and a fireplace and a garden and space inside for plants and some music and to not have my walls looking like Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston because of all my art I own and make, lol. Honestly, I frequently dream and daydream about having a someday home where I can have beautiful REAL wooden bookshelves, with gorgeous grains and joinery, for all my books so they don't need to all be double/triple stacked and still not enough space for them all overflowing everywhere in stacks on tables and the floor, lol. I've always had an abiding love of beautiful woodwork and like a garden of my own it's always been among my dearest daydreams -- beautiful wooden bookshelves for my books where they can have space to all be seen and appreciated rather than my overladen pressboard secondhand assortment of misfit bookshelves throughout my flat.

*shrugs* I've always been the sort of girl who knows exactly what she likes and what she wants and lacks the ability to fall out of love with things that spark love inside me. I will make do with what circumstances will allow for me to have, but it doesn't make me stop dreaming and wishing to have exactly what it is I want and have always known I wanted from the moment I knew such a thing could be. When I don't seem to know what I want, it's usually because I can't figure out how to have what I TRULY want and everything else I could have is me just making do with my options on the table. I'm very good at scraping by making do with what's available, but you should never confuse that with an absence of hunger for what I most truly desire. The moment what I desire somehow becomes a real possibility, I'll always reach for it set my course for it, it's only interim making the best of what I've got. But I always want what I want and my tastes and thus my desires aren't fickle, they never have been. 

Anyway, it's 3am and I'm still at work so I should clean up all of the many many scattered dog toys and head home. She is beyond ready to kennel has been sleeping in her work kennel melodramatically sighing every time i get up but it's not to leave, lol. (she likes the safety (and treats) of her kennel training and tries to get me to put her to bed early as possible and keeps bugging me til I close the latches for her and she can relax but then eventually she wants some snuggles in bed as well so I usually kennel her when I get home or somewhere between 10 and midnight when she feels it obviously should be bedtime and then I open the door so she can decide where to sleep when I head to bed or when I wake up at sunrise.)

I should give a book update soonerish. Maybe I should go back to keeping the draft of a long list of books I'm reading as I finish them and all the new ones I buy that I randomly decide to post. I stopped doing that somewhere in covid or maybe it was when I set this to private stopped writing here for a while... but new year, could fairly easily do it. After all I've only finished one book since January started. (the joke of that is that's only been two days and my at home book right now is a 1,000+ pg paperback -- and it's VERY dry and wordy trying to be even more 1700s/1800s wordy than ACTUAL authors like Gaskell, Dickens, Hugo, Tolstoy, etc. I would only recommend Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell (yes I am finally reading it after it sitting on my tbr for decades now) if you LIKE reading unabrdiged wordy dry prose from the early 1800s.... Otherwise, it's not as good as you've been led to believe though it does have some very comedic great moments for those who love that era of literature/history and read a lot of it.)

P. S. 3:33am addendum: 

Not actually 3:33 that I'm writing this quickly, got home and checked the mail and kenneled Waffles and changed into pjs first. But, it was 3:33 on the clock when I had to hit my brakes on the short drive from work to home because of deer crossing in front of me. 3 deer (all does are fawns grown out of their dapples but before the antlers grow in) crossed my path from left to right at 3:33am. At the crossroads/turn in the road where water runs underneath (a natural spring that used to flood the road constantly into the stream in the woods that the city engineered a culvert under the road as part of the larger improved drainage system of creeks to get storm water into the ponds/lakes more efficiently with less flash flooding.) The same place where I once saw a black dog with glowing eyes who disappeared. I see a lot of wildlife and wyrd things on that stretch of road, it's right by a woodland remnant park on the west side of Madison. But also curve at a crossroads with running water under it and a woods. It's fey as fuck, especially in the witching hours, lol 

Okay okay okay. I'll TRY not to overthink, or maybe more accurately over assume, so much.... I'll try not to do it. And if I catch myself doing it, I'll nip it in the bud just as soon as I realize. Sometimes I can't help it though, it just runs away with derailing my brain before I even realize it's started up again. Especially when a girl's heart is quite clearly and steadily like, "right, okay, I know I want this" but then you just can't find your way into making that want REAL and sometimes it just feels like if you can't act to make it happen, not even any little tiny actions or changes, then maybe it's just never going to happen this life. And maybe you missed your chance. And maybe you should start looking for something else to want. Only the heart wants what it wants and substitutions are only distractions that never last but still maybe.... And maybe, and maybe, and maybe -- and see how easily it happens? Especially when you repeat the thinking it enough times the brain starts to elide the "maybes" and then it just sounds like statements of isness rather than statements of perhapses.... And then you get yourself into deep trouble right quick!

But also..... Dios mio, he has been loud and strong down the bond today/tonight with such floods of love and warmth and need and reassurance and just this sense of, "don't you dare give up on us." 

I'm not complaining about the sudden rush of all that intensity, I quite like it. It's quite beautiful and heady and sweeps a girl right off her feet. I just didn't expect it is all. I mean, should I have? But why? 

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa. Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa, oh, oh. Give it to your sister, it doesn't hurt, and, See if she can handle every family burden. Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks, no mistakes. Just pressure like a grip, grip, grip, and it won't let go, whoa. Pressure like a tick, tick, tick 'til it's ready to blow, whoa, oh, oh. Give it to your sister and never wonder, If the same pressure would've pulled you under. Who am I if I don't have what it takes? No cracks, no breaks. No mistakes, no pressure.

 I couldn't tell you who or what the cosmic cassowary are or why they show up in spirit dream space as such -- this is the first I can remember dreaming of them and their dance of the fates/free will, at least in this life. They know me, but while my soul's dream self was delighted to see them as very old friends, my ego self had no idea who they were or what spiritual guide forces they represent in that dream form. I know what shamanic skills of theirs they taught me or helped me unlock to remember, but I could not tell you who/what they ARE other than they are something more animistic elemental than the fée or angels or souls in the cycle of incarnations.

I did look up cassowary spiritual meaning as spirit guides and totemic shamanic meaning since I can't remember ever working with them, at least not in this life. It was fascinating and apropos. They apparently often show up when you feel you have a block on your path and are ready to give up and they can show you hidden strengths and reserves when cornered forced to fight fiercely even when your nature is or has recently been pacifist introvert.

I bring that up because.... 

Look, it's been months now since I wrote about any spirit dreams with the polar and I know that. But also, it's because it's been a helluva long time since he has reached me in spirit form in my dream space. I'm not saying he hasn't reached FOR me in that way, I'm just saying that whether he has or not, he hasn't actually reached me that way. And I'm not currently consciously blocking him or shutting him out these recent months, just, I haven't felt anything at all really down that bond in a while. 

And. I will admit. When the moon moved into Cancer for the full moon on Tuesday (and I do have my moon in Capricorn, directly opposed the recent full moon) I hit my limit and felt a defensive self martyring rise up inside me as a result of not having heard from him down the bond or in any form for a while now. And I was feeling deeply but sincerely that, if I'm not any part of what he wants for his life and his happiness then the best I could do by him is to wish him all the happiness he DOES seek for himself this life and to release him from any expectations and cords to me free him to find whatever it is he's seeking -- because he knows far better than me what he wants. And I realize that's an old bugaboo of mine and a pattern of thinking I've tried before that's never worked and that caused me some serious mental/emotional health issues last life when I tried to live by that pattern of forced negating my desire trying to move forward while denying it. And it never has worked to deny it because of the continuous strength in the bond pulling us back toward each other is stronger than anything I've ever been able to do from my side to release him when I get it into my head that's what I ought to do.... But also, we're getting old in these bodies and no matter how much lifetime you have in any life, it's always going to be finite. Long finite or short finite, still each body's storyline is finite no matter if the soul is infinite. And there's only so much of that finite time you can spend holding onto a hope that feels fainter every day because frankly what the hell is there even for me to hold onto to make me think that he wants it too or if I'm reaching down the bond that there's any part of him reaching back toward me instead of him looking for his next distraction? At what point do you accept, "Not this life. The lessons one or both of us need aren't to be learned together, so I should release that blind faith I used to have that we would have a chance to be together this life and instead focus what time and energy remains to me on the good and the beautiful and the light that DOES want to be in my life." 

I've been so long without hearing or feeling him down the bond and then there was so much love being immersed in my sister's family for two weeks then coming home to those who missed me and so I've been struggling with that question and trying to release him from any karmic strings from my side so he can find what he is seeking for himself this life.... And I have been questioning if it's right and where I landed right before I was falling asleep on Saturday was that....as long as I'm pushing unconditional love down the bond for him wherever his souls journey takes him and wishing him to find the greatest happiness he can seek and find, then I don't see how I can be doing wrong by him even if that love and wish is coming from a place where I have done my best to efface my own selfish desires and egoic karmic pull on him so he can find whatever it is he most truly wants for himself. 

And that's where I've been in my head trying to control my heart almost all of this week, trying to erase my desires from pulling at him or influencing timing or expectations. Saturday I was being quite brutal with myself about the necessity of it, making me be realistic and honest with myself about what IS in the concrete quotidien right now and to do what in that headspace I genuinely believe is best by him. And then I went to sleep and in my dream space the cosmic cassowary fates/norns showed up in my dream space to force me to sit through a lesson and join in the cosmic dance of understanding the fate lines and what MUST be vs what WILL be if nobody changes the course vs what is PURELY free will take it anywhere you want. And that sort of lesson doesn't come along just because. They treated me like a hatchling because I've been behaving like a hatchling and needed a reminder lesson about how accepting something as fiat fated makes it your fate even if you misunderstood the time dance and the options still open within it. 

I had a lot of wine tonight and wine, especially red wine like with the lamb course, makes me feel intense all encompassing agapic love for all of Creation. It's why I get myself in trouble if I drink too much wine, especially red wine, in public -- it makes me want to hug everyone tell them that they are loved and that is easily misconstrued. (Tonight I went to my parents house for surf and turf dinner with my parents and bff birthday twin chosen sister then watched the Packers game with my mum and Crissy and the doggos and all my sisters family on zoom watching with us then my da rejoined us all at the end of the zoom after the game was over. My da shared some of the two bottles of pomegranate prosecco, but between my mum, Crissy and me we drank a white, a two reds, and each had our quarter of each bottle of that prosecco -- so about 1.5 bottles of wine each for us three ladies.) And when the red wine induced agape love hit, I FELT that rush of pure love for all of Creation as it shattered the unconscious block that I hadn't realized I'd been building from that assumption I was running on for how to give him the freedom to find what he's truly seeking for himself. And when it broke, I just felt such a rush and surge of intense love and relief and gratitude down the bond..... It's been a long while since he has reached me like that, just as it has been a long time since I have shared dream space with him.... 

But here's the thing. I. I don't know how to wish him all the greatest happiness he seeks for himself in this life without falling into the dichotomy of a) my ego's selfish desire I be a part of it OR b) me actively trying  to release him from any expectations/karmic pulls to me.... I don't know how to love and want his greatest happiness without either selfishly wanting me to be a part of it or self martyring trying to erase myself from the picture of it.... I don't know what any other option would even look like that is rooted in desiring his happiness if it's not framed by my subjective framework of my own selfish desires or in me trying to negate/deny/release my selfish desires. Because I can't make me not WANT our actual real 3d lives to come together, I can only make me accept that this is not the right timing for that so I should focus on what IS in my life this lifetime. Even at my most self martyring trying to release him from the ties to me, my own desire is what it is and I'm just trying to be a realist about this lifetime and the choices made thus far and that I'd rather he'd be happy than in my life if I'm forced to make that choice. 

I've just been feeling the weight of time passing lately and recognizing that in these bodies, the clock is running down and all the blind faith of my youth has seemingly brought us no closer to being the versions of ourselves ready to come back together and try again to live a shared life path..... And so maybe it's just time for me to be a realist and give up on that hope and focus on what this life has as I'm living it. (That feels very weird to try to put into words with all his love flooding into me right now, but I'm trying to articulate the way I've BEEN feeling/thinking this week, not the way I currently AM feeling shining out so much of my own unconditional love and flooded with his love in return.) 

The finiteness of physical bodies has been weighing on my soul this last week, it's been a hard year of a lot of deaths in my world, and I'm feeling that I ought to be putting my energy/life force into what IS in my life choose me rather than pining and hoping for what is always out of reach of being in my life..... 

My cousin's mom did die on Christmas Day. On the Jewish side again. She divorced my uncle when I was a kid and I haven't seen her since my cousin's wedding, but once again someone in my extended  family died on Christmas Day/Eve when I didn't have snow.... The snow started in southern Wisconsin when I got on my plane in Seattle -- I looked at the forecast for rain had a wistful, "O I do wish that would be snow to greet me when I get home" and it went from no accumulation night time forecast to several inches by 9am when my flight got in. Crissy and my mum said they both saw it and started laughing reacted, "Ope! Dani must be coming home, fresh snow everywhere to welcome her." It also fresh snowed again last night/this morning to have fresh snow bright clean white for the new year. And next Mon/Tues is supposed to be like 7" of snow if the forecast holds true.... If that forecast holds true, I look forward to taking the dog out for some snow frolics and making some chili or something in the slow cooker and laying a fire in the hearth so I can hygge it up and grin at the fresh falling snow!

I know it's not much right now, in an El Nino hottest year ever on record.... Especially not for December ending and January beginning in Wisconsin..... But sometimes you just have to rejoice in even the littlest things. Even a small amount of snow for this time of year is better than the no snow we had the night before I came back home, y'know? It settles my soul to have the snow blanket covering all the landscape when it's the winter months. 

Anyway. I do struggle with the finite nature of physical bodies and the finite timespan of any given life and how much of this lifetimes he and I have already spent not on a shared path. And it does get me to thinking maybe it's time for me to grow up become a realist and give up that blind faith belief that somehow we will find our way back to each other.... And that leads me down the path of martyring my truest desires and instead trying to release the bonds between our souls so he can be free to seek his truest happiness he chooses for himself, whatever that is..... And I'm not saying it's right headed or even right hearted when I get to thinking like that, just that it happens when the weight of time passing and how much is now behind us not in front of us this life starts to drop sand by sand through the hourglass telling me to give up holding on hope because if he wanted me, he'd have prioritized finding me and holding on to me in his life and he hasn't so clearly other things matter more to him in the schéma of what he seeks to build his life around for his happiness ..... And I don't claim that's fair of me, only that sometimes it's the way I get to feeling/thinking and when I do, it's what pushes and motivates me to try to release him from his cords attached to me in the name of whatever the happiness is that he seeks for himself this lifetime.....  

And none of that would I have been able/willing to even try to put into words here or anywhere to explain WHY I have been pushing him out trying to deny my own desires in the name of  making him free to pursue the happiness he IS seeking/choosing to build his life around. ("freedom's just another word for, nothing left to lose.") But I know that I wouldn't have written here about it all if I were currently still in the midst of feeling it the right thing for me to do by him. It's only because the wine agape love made me reach out raw golden unconditional love flood down the bond break all blocks and dams and his love came surging back down the bond toward me the moment he felt it.... 

I dunno. It's just. The pressure of each grain of sand falling as time passes and the finite limit grows ever smaller and still it feel there's no rapprochement.... Sometimes it just makes me feel I should embrace the realism of what IS, of the divergent paths where our current choices have brought us, and just accept it instead of holding on to the hoping and dreaming that one of these days, somehow, we'll both be ready to reunite and choose a path forward together as the happiness we both seek and desire.

I dunno. Maybe that's a lot but it's sometimes how the crucible of all the potential fate lines condensing into one present moment that falls into the vast sands of the past FEELS and weighs upon me in each and every moment that passes where we don't choose paths that bring us together again....  

I dunno if any of that even makes any sense..... I should probably just go to bed. No problem ever got solved or even felt any lighter by staying up into the wee hours letting your overthinking and anxiety keep worrying at it.....

[Post title: lyrics to Surface Pressure, Luisa's song from the Encanto soundtrack. Encanto remains Monroe's favorite movie, and she loves this song because it's her mom (my sister's) favorite. so I've spent a lot of the last several weeks rewatching the movie and listening to the songs. I had this song playing in my head the entire time from the moment I started tapping out the parts of this post about the way I've been thinking and feeling I ought to be realistic and release with love any expectations or hope on my part regarding this lifetime and our life paths.]

 For some reason, last sleep I had a wyrd dream about cassowaries. Even in my many shamanic vision dreams over the years, I'm pretty sure this is the first time I can remember any cassowaries in my dream space.... 

I was wandering through a densely forested area of dream space when three of them (one white, one male, one female) came and found me and circled me chiding me like a lost hatchling strayed from the group, "There you are, _______!" (They called me by my spirit name) "We have been looking everywhere and everywhen for you -- we're late for the next lesson for you hatchlings!"  Then they herded me to the secret place off the path deeper in the forest for the next teachings on fate/free will and the dance of time.

Now, I know that in real life, cassowaries are shy loners but extremely stubborn territorial with deadly claws so they can be dangerous become the big baddies of the avian world if confronted. And they are the closest thing we still have to dinosaurs and you do NOT mess with them as they will gladly eff you up if they feel threatened. If you are ever on a beach in Australia or New Guinea and a cassowary takes over your umbrella and blanket area, you just let them stay there as long as they want until they decide on their own to leave. And that they are also the only animal that can spread the seeds of a large number of rainforest trees so they are forest creators/protectors.

BUT my dream cassowaries, the nine of them were super friendly with me like we were the oldest of friends and (re)introduced me to the two young hatchlings who were there to learn along with me. The adult cassowaries were all very nice and protective of me and were trying to fluff my hair and clothes like I had baby hatchling feathers. And they all enjoyed getting scritches under the chin and on their head where their adult feet couldn't reach to scratch without causing damage from their sharp claws. Even the three white regal ones enjoyed the chin scratches while the other six (three male markings, three female markings) were rather more muppety personalities/movements. 

Then all the adult cassowary started speaking in prophecies of what MUST be, what MAY be but could be altered, and what is entirely a choice of free will. Like a lecture of fated events and possibilities and we had to try to figure out by the quality of the prophecies as they were spoken which of the three categories it fell into. (But I'm not supposed to talk about the content of what they saw/shared.) They spoke only in prophetic perhapses of what WILL be, what MAY yet be but is statistically most likely, and what paths can still be CHOSEN if action is taken. And they moved their necks a bit like the fireys dance from Labyrinth (only they never took their heads off or exchanged them or anything liked that) 

It all ended in a weirdly cryptic ululating song/dance about what they do and don't know and the relation of free will to fate and a coordinated very avian circle dance number that they taught me and the hatchlings then demanded we get up to dance with them to learn what scratches can't be crossed and what patterns can be reworked in the dancing and how to use scratch-dance patterns to always protect the egg and the forest. It started by singing a ululating song about the cosmic dance between fate and free will which turned into a singing circle dance to teach us hatchlings then after the first round of them dancing it around us was finished, they told us hatchlings to come join them in the circle dance so we could learn the dance to honor the scratches that cannot be crossed, how to alter the scratch patterns you may as you dance, and where you can draw any path of marks you please, and the importance of weaving a dance to protect the eggs and the world forest. And then for the third round of it the adults removed themselves out of the circle to observe us singing/dancing this part of the time dance and then gave us prophecy worded critiques afterward and then we all sang/danced it for a fourth and final time at the end of which point I woke up.

I can't share the individual names or the collective name they gave themselves in the dream when I respectfully asked them what they wished to be called, but my brain translated the collective name as something akin to the fates/norns only more so, because they don't just deal with fated things but also what free will can still alter. 

I don't actually know what language the cosmic cassowaries were speaking/singing in the dream to teach me and the two hatchling cassowaries -- in spirit dreams, it's more thought/intention and the spoken language(s) translates no matter the species or how the spoken/sung words sound. It ululated a lot though.

So anyway. Today on New Year's Eve, my thoughts have been full of dancing cassowaries and enigmatic prophecies and contemplating the interplay of fate vs free will, in individuals and societies, and how to think of it all as a cosmic dance and how our place in the dance affects the whole.

 So I'm currently at Cath Cath's sipping on Barry's Gold Blend tea, munching candy cane kisses (I don't know why, but I find them the most delightfully addicting of holiday candies and I have little to no self control with them once I open a bag), cuddling with Morgan (a cat), and reading (switching between a Jane Yolen trilogy I never read and a reread of Oliver Sacks case studies) while Cath Cath went to go pick up her car at the mechanic and then to a PT appointment. I found these paragraphs from The Man Who Mistook His Wife For a Hat to be insightful and want to come back to it later for further contemplation. (context: the man has Korsakov's due to excess alcohol consumption, so functionally he doesn't retain any short or long term memories past 1945.)

~*~*~*~

So I started writing that on Monday and then of course Cathy came back from her appointment and we headed to Wonka. (Which I thought was absolutely AMAZING whimsical musical, but Cath was put off by the excessive chocolate eating makes you fat jokes about the corrupt police officer which I understand why she didn't like that felt it was politically incorrect, but also it served a symbolic purpose about corruption showing on the physical form and was a sight gag very much true to Roald Dahl even if fat shaming is frowned upon in modern society.)

I've been very busy, I rarely have unclaimed moments when I visit my sister's family except late at night and early mornings, and haven't yet had the time to write up the quote for here and don't want to do it right now since it's midnight and kiddos are allowed to leave their bedroom at 7:15am (when their nightlight turns green.) But, here's a picture of the paragraph that I liked so well and hopefully the upload won't compress it too much so you can't read it.... 

That's their cat Chicken in the background. She's as attached to me as the kids. Especially since I seized a brief opportunity when my sister and brother-in-law went to pickup the kids from school left me and the cat alone so I gridded energy cleared protected AND put a merkaba barrier so no malevolent attachments can enter in both of the kids rooms (the two oldest kids share a bedroom still until the house renno to add an entire extra floor and some other things is done so they move back home instead of this rental house they're currently in) as well as the entire basement where the spare bed is.) I had gridded protected the kids rooms in the old house, but honestly my use of Metatron mediated/guarded merkaba boundaries to disallow malevolent attachments from passing is a new technique I developed this year so hadn't put into their home.  When Chicken isn't right near me or on my dining room chair, she's mostly napping on Monroe's bed or sitting on Mo's chair or sitting on my sister's lap. Interestingly, Mo (who is a strong empath as well as other gifts despite her parents anti-spiritualism rational explanations only atheism) decided on her own right after I laid protections on the kids rooms to tuck her magic wand that has a snowflake shaped like a Star of David between the slats of the bunk bed right above her head and this afternoon she made a point of pulling it out and showing it to me while her parents were out picking up Ellie and Jack was in the bathroom and she whispered, "I put that there to protect me at night while I sleep. Because it looks like the ones you put everywhere to protect us." Then she whispered happily as she tucked the wand back between the slats, "The stars you see and I see but my parents and brother can't see." Then she heard the bathroom flush and said quickly, "Don't tell Jack. He'll make fun of me. But I know they're real. And they feel like YOU do." Then she ran over hug tackled me with the sort of giggle only very happy five year olds can giggle. She also decided tonight that one of her gnome sugar cookies was going to be a Channukah gnome cookie and asked for help drawing a "Hanukkah star" on it.

I haven't done anything but protection works here nor have i taught her anything about how to use her gifts. She's too young and doesn't need it yet and I don't think her parents would approve until she's old enough to choose it for herself. My sister suppresses her gifts though they wake up more around me and they both just roll with teasing me about my witchiness. But they're still both logical rational explanation seeking anti-religion anti-spiritualism atheists though they have mellowed a little bit from their older stance of thinking all spiritual matters to be delusions and brain washing.... So I don't know if Miche can feel what I've done, but she REALLY wanted me to come visit while they were in the rental as soon as I could (me being able to visit was one of the factors of choosing a house not apartment) and very obviously relaxed after I protected the kids rooms (didn't do theirs, didn't want to do the whole house beyond gridding the entire property given it's a rental and might affect future renters if I did my full treatment to block all malevolent attachments, y'know?) Also, Jack's behavior issues immediately improved and I need to pursue that deeper but haven't had a free opportunity to myself to do so.

The only others who noticed were the local ravens and crows who have taken to roosting nearby, generally outside whatever window I'm near and following whenever we go anywhere. They followed us the next day, Friday the last day of school before winter break, to pickup the kids and the most massive murder descended on the green space next to where our car was waiting to creep forward to the pickup spot. The longer we stayed there, the more of them there were came swooping chattering away and clearly playful happy welcoming. 😂 I definitely said delightedly, "o hey friends! Just look at you beauties!!!" And Miche just quizzically looks over says, "Huh. Never seen them do that here before. I don't think I've ever seen crows or ravens at the school before." And Jon glances over to our side of the car just starts laughing says, "Look Dani! Word must have passed down the corvid gossip line and they know you've arrived."

 Anyway. Past my bedtime. I need to be up in like 6hrs or so to get myself ready and introvert charged enough to go upstairs to be bright eyed bushy tailed for the morning. Bonne nuit. And happy solstice!!!!! From here, there's more and more light every day, y'know? 

Uncertain I'll get a chance to write again with the kiddos off school AND the holiday. But it's also only a week now til I head home again. Fly out of SeaTac night of the 27, then like a 5 hr overnight layover in Denver before flying to Milwaukee in the morning. If I don't write here, dont worry and I'll catch you up on whatever words I want to share as soon as I have time for it. Or I won't. On verra.

 It's very weird being somewhere without snow for solstice/christmas (southern WI is still without snow and long forecast doesn't show any until after I'm back) and I definitely have the dread upon me because every solstice/Christmas I've had in this life that wasn't white, someone in my family has died.... 

It's been a good visit so far, but very Mercury retrograde.... Surprisingly, all my travel related things went great but things have been a bit roll with the punches here with it. When I got here, Monroe (middle child, she's 5) was sick that night stayed home from school the next day and so I spent the next day with her. Elliot (the youngest, she's almost 18 months now) got sick and the daycare/preschool called for them to come get her. Jack (the eldest, he's 8) has been having behavioral issues and boundary pushing both at school and at home then plays the victim martyr card when consequences happen and that's tiring and makes it hard to do fun things with him and bond this visit. Jon also has been sick with whatever Mo had -- so far I haven't shown symptoms despite spending her sickest day snuggling with her and reading to her and watching Encanto with her. (I rarely get upper respiratory sick, a cold is a once in seven month event with me -- but I have a glass stomach will get stomach bugs easily.) It's mostly been fun, but also some stressful parts. But I bring out the goofy ridiculous side in my sister and having an extra adult helps with the three kiddos and their ages. But also, my sister and I had a Wrapapalooza on Thursday and finished up the last on Friday got everything for the kids (including wrapping all the holiday gifts from both grandparents), Jon, Cathy (from her family and my parents sent with me), and all the gifts I brought for the Keslin's. I actively love wrapping gifts, so I did the bulk of it, but my sister helped out between meetings and she derived great joy from wrapping the oddest shaped things and using up the scraps with as little waste as possible. (She has a math puzzle engineering brain.) Which was fun and it felt good to have that done so immediately. We have one more thing last minute ordered for Jack that will be arriving to wrap and something I forgot to wrap for them. 

Tomorrow's plan is: breakfast --> morning zoom with my parents --> Packers game -> lunch -> Costco trip -> dinner with Cathy (my mom's best friend since high school, like a bonus aunt or godmother) --> I'm going back with Cathy for overnight and to see her cat Morgan. Tomorrow afternoon she and I are going to see Wonka (we have a family tradition of her and my parents and me seeing a movie when she's home visiting her mom at the holidays, but this year she isn't going home to WI so was very excited to holiday time movie with me when I suggested it.) After that, Cathy is bringing back to my sister's family (big kids are going to a summer camp that also runs over breaks on Monday while I'm gone since their school break starts Mon) at some point in the evening, unclear to me rn who I will be having dinner with.... 

I do have to pack a smaller bag for visiting Cath Cath still, and I'm debating if I should do it now at midnight thirty or in the morning.... (This household is up at 7:15 on weekdays and 7:30 on weekends. Because young children.) Jon made us cocktails tonight after the kids went to bed for us to drink while watching the Barbie movie (neither of them had seen it yet) now it's on Max. So my body has a lot of energy hasn't quite crashed from the sugars yet. (I'm like a hummingbird when you give me sugar or anything that metabolizes directly into sugars, lol. I should just go take care of it now I'm done showering, especially since I'm still waiting for my hair to dry..... Finish this chamomile tea, see if it knocks me out to sleepytown because it might (I'm VERY sensitive to chamomile, it can literally be liking somebody took the batteries out and allt he fatigue of lack of sleep weighs heavy on my limbs so I collapse and sometimes fall asleep sitting in a chair or aomething-- chamomile followed by excessive quantities of caffeine are what knock me out, melatonin and sleep meds dont do shit for me) and if the chamomile doesn't work I will pack my small bag for tomorrow night and brew another cuppa chamomile tea... 

Let me introduce you to the featherweight queen, She got Hollywood eyes, But you can't shoot what she's seen. Her momma was a dancer, And that's all that she knew. 'Cause when you live in the desert, It's what pretty girls do. I'm throwing caution, What's it gonna be? Tonight the winds of change are blowing wild and free. If I don't get out, Out of this town, I just might be the one who finally burns it down.

 Miss me much recently? 😘 Sorry bout that, but also you'll have to keep on missing me for a bit as tomorrow is a travel day then I will be syncing my life into the schedule of my sister's household for a couple weeks.

It never fails me that every time I fly somewhere, one direction or both ends up randomly being triple Star days for me from Starbucks. And I mean never fails in a good way. In the best possible way! (In the best of all possible worlds! Hey there now Leibniz, slow the fuck down from that conclusion....this ain't Candide and I'm no Pangloss and there ain't no way in hell THIS could be the best of all possible worlds.....let's just rest at  my initial premise stating I meant it never fails me in the best possible way, m'kay?) My flight out to Seattle via Vegas tomorrow is apparently no exception!!!! AND ITS STILL CHESTNUT PRALINE LATTE AND CRANBERRY BLISS BAR SEASON!!!!!! 😁

Does this happen to everyone? Or is it just Luck o' the Dani that it's been my truth for like 5 or 6 years now? Because it happens to me every time I fly or at least one day on lengthy road trips. 

Also, I am somehow "everything packed except my laptop bag and purse" levels of prepared. (Well, the pizza and gifts second suitcase is all packed except the Rocky Rococo's sausage and pepperoni pizza in my freezer. Yes I love my sister enough I'm brining her pork on Chicago style pizza she has childhood nostalgia for and you can't get anywhere else. But flying Southwest so checking a second separate suitcase from anything of mine except my extra two pairs of shoes.) And all the laundry was done by 7pm on Sat and I had both bathrooms cleaned by 10p Sat.  I still need to go buy more cat food then buy me some airplane/airport snacks so I don't buy a $20 bag of shelled pistachios the way those little convenience stores always get me.... (I LOVE pistachios quite passionately, and cracking open the shells is half the fun. But not on planes or in airports. In communal places like that, has to be pre shelled pistachios.) Then tonight is Packers game and a deposit for checks and watering all the plants. Then home to sleep and shower in the morning and get ready for an early drive to MKE. But I'm very confused to already have everything packed and so ready for me to be heading out.... Waiting for the other shoe to drop on something I'm forgetting lol.

Also. My sister has been texting me excited countdown memes every night since we hit the two week mark. She's very excited for my visit, lol. And that was before she knew I was actually bringing her childhood nostalgia in a pizza box. (She has asked before, but their sausage is part of her nostalgia love and with my pork allergy, both carry on and in my own luggage were not happening. But southwest means I can dedicate a second suitcase for pizza and gifts/things not for Dani.) Today was multiple times in the day meme-ing excitement, lol.

P. S. 3:14pm addendum: cat food acquired! Neither Spock nor Crissy will be annoyed when his current bag runs out!!! Different formula, same brand. Fromm grain free. Surf & turf instead of game bird. He loves surf & turf, I just don't love his fishy breath from it. But they were out of the 10lb bag of game bird and the 4lb bag is more expensive per oz AND I'll be gone the next two weeks soooooo..... 

[Post title: lyrics to the song Caution by The Killers. This song has been in my head allllll day.]

O thinking of which! I ought to be more precise about what I said about the new neighbor down the hall....

I haven't ACTUALLY met the new neighbor yet and don't KNOW for certain what dog or how many dogs they have or if it's a family member's dog or a significant others dog....

What I DO know is:

~when the people unloading the moving truck were doing so, they had a too large for the condo rules white and light brown pittie who was running around inside and outside on the truck completely off leash and I watched out my balcony door window as the off leash pittie left the moving van while the humans were carrying something bulky, ran over peed on another neighbor's outdoor furniture on that neighbor's patio space, then run back to the ramp down from the truck bed.

~while moving things in, they were VERY loud in the hallways and I could hear EVERY word of every conversation they had including somoene asking about if the dog was allowe and a male voice saying, "that neighbor and that one both have dogs on this floor, so I would assume it's fine."

~Last Friday as I drove into the lot when Waffles and I came home, there were three people walking dogs that looked like the pittie that I had seen running around off leash while they were moving stuff and came whenever they called, eventually. One of them was walking away towards the parking lot or to the sidewalk along the street, the other two (each with a pittie, but on leash at least) unlocked and entered the door to my building

~Multiple times coming home late at night with Waffles, a very large dog, sometimes two, have started barking from that end unit. Not every time we come home late at night, but multiple times.

Those are the actual observed facts. As opposed to the conclusions drawn over the last week or so.

I felt bad about stating as fact my conclusions I inferred from the observations -- the new neighbor may not have any dogs and just know several people with large pitties who bring them to visit him?... I do think it's a male neighbor though since it was a male voice pointing out the other two units on the floor with dogs. Although maybe I oughtn't to assume that either without having met the new neighbor.

I do TRY to be clear, with myself and others, over whether things are observed, learned, assumed, or concluded. It's important to be clear as to which it is.... Especially if new data contradicts old "knowledge" to be clear as to when/where/how that "knowledge" was derived. I just think it's an important mental health habit to be clear about such things. Or maybe it's just having spent too much time in the hard sciences during formative schooling years. Whatever the reason, I do think it's an important mental health habit to know/assess when/where/how you have accepted a bit of "knowledge" or "truth" or "belief" that you hold onto. Clarity always helps dispel potential confusion or future problems, y'know?

Gotta run! I need to water allllll the plants at work -- the green babies have been sooooooo thirsty since the heaters came on! The melodramatic mfs (hibiscuses, fig trees, bird of paradise plants, nightshades that are still inside haven't yet finished fruiting) are needing water every 3 days as opposed to 3-4 and the rest have the soil drying out after about 5-6 days not their normal 7-10 days. So everybody is getting watered tonight so that I can water them next Sunday/Monday right before my flight next Tues morning out to SeaTac to visit my sister's family. (flight out there has layover in Vegas, flight back has like a 5hr middle of the night layover in Denver, but it was also like $79 between Christmas and NYE so I'm not going to complain -- I can spend the time reading if nothing else....)

Okay. Right. So why I was having such a gods awful morning on Tuesday.

But first, with the caveat emptor that I've warned you before, I don't carry anger hurt. I GET angry, and certain things I have a hair trigger temper for (specifically injustice/bullying/intentional cruelty), and it burns super hot and truth speaking WHILE I'm angry -- but once I've worked through all the anger it releases completely -- I don't ever CARRY the hurt of anger. I carry negative emotions of betrayal or hurt or sorrow for a very long time, but my anger/frustration burns hot (especially when it escapes my control) but burns itself out entirely. So I'm writing this no longer in any way angry or frustrated about it because past is past and it's been sorted.

So Tuesday morning I woke up with an absolutely TERRIBLE migraine and even a sore throat due to my neighbors. You see, my neighbors downstairs who moved in a couple years ago, they use a LOT of products with synthetic perfumes that give me instantaneous migraines that are motion sensitive once they start. Cleaning products, personal care products, but especially Glade style plugins can all be really bad for me, even just strangers sitting by me in a theatre with intense synthetic perfumes can be a problem for me if I don't put on a mask like it's 2020. I only use the free & clear versions for laundry (now I use laundry strips as well to cut back on plastic usage) and such and then I use as natural/organic or home-made as possible for all personal care and cleaning products where possible. It's bad in the hallways when they do it. But by far the worst is that their vent fan in their bathrooms (but especially the master bathroom) doesn't vent OUT of the building, it vents into the space between their ceiling and my floor which means ANY time they do anything in their bathrooms with synthetic perfumes in their bathroom WITH the vent fan running, it makes me incredibly sick. I can make things a little better by running my own vent fan which pulls it out of the master bathroom up into the attic space of the building BUT I only run it in the mornings when they might be showering (thus running their own vent fan which makes it bad in my condo above them) because that helps compared to them running their vent fan when I don't BUT if I run it without them running theirs, then it pulls up the air from their unit and thus the perfumes of their Glade plugins which makes my bathroom/closet/bedroom worse than without it.  Tuesday she plugged in a new one that was particularly intense and noxious and not only made me sick and turned the light of the HEPA filter always running by my bed from blue to red, it also made my cat throw up. Anyway, it was a truly awful start to the day starting at 6:30am when they showered (and ran their vent fan) and I was so sick with motion/light sensitive migraine but I made me get up and flick on my vent fan and turn up the air filters in my bedroom and living room up to max and take some pain meds and two different brands of covid tests (just in case it was sick not just migraine from the scent; both negative) and make coffee.  And I was able to hold down MOST of the pot of coffee and finish getting ready until the new neighbor down my hallway propped open the front door and door on our floor to move in some things which flooded my living room front area with the odor coming up the stairs under my front door and I started gagging almost threw up and dumped the remainder of the coffee and just finished getting msyelf ready and left to take the dog to work... (the new neighbors moved in where the large diabetic with the cats used to live, the new neighbors seem to have two VERY large pitties bigger than the size limits of the condo association when dogs have been allowed in the past, yes in the plural, and doesn't always have them on leash and they bark a lot; but they just moved in last weekend so I will give them slack though their size is a concern given the continuous changes of policy for any dogs in the building but this makes three units with dogs in the upstairs and two units with dogs downstairs in my building.) I drove the whole way to work then to my grandma's even though it was about 9F outside for the fresh air and to try to get the cloying synthetic perfumes off me and my coat and scarf and things....

So that's how I started the day.  And it's been an ongoing issue since the neighbors moved in downstairs who use synthetic perfumes.... And I don't have a solution other than selling my condo and moving... But, there's some work that I can't afford to pay someone to fix and don't know how to do on my own before I could even consider selling it. And then I don't know where I would live or if I could buy anywhere else if I sold my current condo because anything but a house might have the same issue or synthetic perfumes and cleaning supplies causing me migraines form neighbors in the same building complex.... But I don't have a better answer than enduring the bad days/mornings when the neighbors give me migraines or moving but I don't know where to or how to make it work.

Then on my way to work I got stuck by a utility truck doing something on a residential street with no warning that blocked one entire lane and a third of the other and they had a guy letting people past but he was letting people from the other direction past but not ours and it was backed up further than the traffic circle and just a fucking delay and mess and I couldn't turn around or do anything til he decided to let our direction go because of all the cars queued up....

Dropping the dog off with my parents at work wasn't bad. But then I got stuck behind not moving vehicles and then I got to my grandma's and it was VERY crowded busy time at the front desk of people coming and going that day. And everything just took longer than usual. And then I got upstairs and my grandma wasn't ready and she was TERRIFIED to leave her unit (apparently she got locked out of her apartment somehow on Friday beforehand and that's was why the fear about going anywhere.) She was just having a bad day generally (she has dementia and while it's been only mild it is progressively worsening) so it took a while to talk her fear down promise her I would take care of whatever happened whoever we encountered. And then right before leaving as I'm about to put her coat on her, she suddenly needs to go to the bathroom even though I had asked her multiple times since arriving there. So like, I'm not going to tell her no because that's cruel to anyone but especially elderly and children, who tend to have more explosive continence issues, even if they take significantly longer in the bathroom than anyone else and can't be rushed. So I let her go and while she's in there I take care of the burned bagel smell that I could smell through my kn95 mask (I always wear a kn95 at my grandma's building and at the various medical/dental appointments I take her to because I spend so much time in theatres and music venues and old people don't DESERVE to be put at risk by my choices) by checking her toaster which was flashing all the lights on all the buttons which no combnation of hitting cancel could turn off. Then I saw the charred pieces of bagel in it -- she had torn half a bagel into quarters and put all those little quarters into the toaster and then G-d only knows what button combo she had pushed trying to get it to give those small pieces back.... So I unplugged it and then dumped it over the trash bin and shook it over and over to dislodge any deep down burnt crumbs in the toaster.... And then I put away the cream cheese and bagels in front of the toaster on the counter that had been out for I don't know how long and she had no idea either.... Anyway, after emptying out the toaster of its very charred contents, when I plugged it back in, only the normal start light was on.And my grandma was still not out of the bathroom. EVENTUALLY she came out, very confused, visibly startled that I was there, then asked me what I was waiting for and what she was supposed to be doing.

So I finally got her in her coat and ready, then down to the front desk to sign her out after waiting for several more people to be signed out (and you can NOT move slow old people faster than they are willing to move and just asking them to stop chatting get out of your way makes things WAY worse. So I just waited to sign her out because we were already running late enough that the argument of trying to hurry old stranger along was not worth the effort.... Then getting her in the car, her right knee that she didn't have replaced when she was younger, was extra clicking/grating and painful for her so it took her even longer than usual to get in the car. More time eaten up.

So we get there 1 min before her appointment. But there are only two handicapped parking spots and they're both taken (so grandma's handicapped tag was no help) and the ENTIRE parking lot is on a 10-15 degree slope which is fine except this is a PODIATRY office on the fucking fourth floor of the building (with the slowest elevator known to man.) so due to the intensity of my grandma's fear earlier that day she refused to let me load her out at the TERRIBLE AWFUL front walk ramp for me to go park the car then walk up to the front. (even if we had been able to park in either of the two handicapped stalls, she would have had to walk back across the parking lot to get to the too steep no rail ramp up to the cracked sidewalk in front of the door.) So I parked as close up the hill as I could given all the parked up stalls but then I had to escort my grandma up that damn hill with her walker and bad knee at slow old person walking speeds. Then we get in the front atrium and she needs a rest so she sits down on the very low wooden benches that have anything for her to hold onto. And then when it's time to get up, with her bad knee, she cant' stand up because it's bent more than 90 degrees and there isn't anything but the bench for her to push up off of and FINALLY she stands and I hear the clicking of her bad knee and she was in so much in pain.... And then I finally get her in the slowest elevator ever and we get up to the fourth floor and navigate her to their offices in the building only to be told that we were 9 mins late so the doctor won't see the 86 year old patient I dragged all the way to see him because they considered us 19 mins late because they apparently wanted us there 10mins early for the paperwork but that was never told to me.... Now this is the podiatrist she USED to see at her primary doctor where he came in certain days a week but GHC decided to stop having dedicated offices in store for podiatry and to just approve specific in network podiatrists. (My grandma has every 4 month relatively standard foot care maintenance for nail trimming and calluses which she can't do on her own due to intermittent lymphodema issues, it's covered by medicare and her supplemental coverage.) So we had seen Dr. Merckx many times across many years, but at her primary care clinic not at the offices of Associated Podiatrists. 

Anyway. So they said we were too late for her appointment and I agreed to fill out the paperwork required and to wait until she got a chance to talk to the doctor find out if he could make room to see her. And mind you, we were 9 mins late to get to check in even though we got to the office with 1min to spare BECAUSE of their accessibility issues.... And the lady at the desk apologized for the accessibility issues, said she knows it's an issue and has asked to have the accessibility improved but we were still late etc etc. Firmly polite but laying the blame on us for being "over 15 mins late" getting a frail elderly 86 year old with a walker assisted mobility issues up their fucking steep hill and 4 floors to their office... FINALLY after the paperwork was all done and signed and we'd been in the waiting room over half an hour, the lady at the desk talked to the doctor and he couldn't get her in at all so she rescheduled us told us the soonest she could do was January (which had me VERY terrified at the thought of navigating getting my grandma in/up there with ANY amount of ice or snow especially not knowing how well they plow/de-ice and I just kept getting all these contingent precogs of her falling and hurting herself badly breaking a hip falling on the ice or something) but there was nothing more I could get from than the new appointment and the promise that with the paperwork done, she would be able to get in even if the lot delayed her.

So I opted to leave rather than put up any further stink about how unsafe their lot and "handicapped accessibility" or the way an 86 year old lady was treated by them or anything like that. I wanted to get her back for lunch and for Kayla coming to help her if I could -- and I had every intention of siccing my aunt on them and hoping that we could find a solution for her podiatry needs that did NOT require me navigating that fucking mess of a lot with any ice/snow....

I convinced grandma to wait in the lobby for me to bring the car up to load her in because she had such a hard time going UP the hill, that down to the car would be far harder and she might slip or lose her walker going DOWNHILL instead. So of course, of fucking course, she sits again down on the hard wooden bench in the front lobby... So I move the car to block the top of the circle and leave my flashers on. And then it takes another five minutes to get her up off that damn bench (pulling her up to help hurts her and she hates it so she has to have something she can push herself up from or tall enough she can use her walker to push up on it) and her knee made the most appalling bone on bone clicking noises to get her standing. And then I got her to the car (which I had to move a bit forward because of how narrow the no rails and no warning bumps ramp is and otherwise she couldn't use the ONLY "accessibility" ramp to get to the lot/car with the car door open) and then she had to sit again on her painful right knee.

Anyway. I got her back uneventfully and Kayla got there soon after I got grandma settled and she was going to change her outfit and help her with some personal care things then take grandma down for lunch and clean/vacuum her place.

So then I went to work and got in on a lunch order and told my mom all about it and after I ate, we talked to my aunt who was angry at me not making grandma move faster or something but then she called Associated Podiatry and they were awful to my Aunt Linda on the phone about it which my aunt does NOT take that sort of thing well. (Taurus sun, Sag moon, Leo rising.) So before my aunt called us back, while she was talking to the manager of Associated Podiatrists, my maman found a nearby podiatry clinic (4 out of 5 female doctors) all on the first floor with a flat parking lot whose site said they were in network accepting GHC patients. So my mum talked to them and they said yes they would take her, they are accustomed to elderly patients with mobility issues, and they could definitely get her in within two weeks as long as she was okay with whoever they assigned. And when my aunt called back so angry about how Associated Podiatry treated her, my aunt gave me the green light to get an appointment at University Podiatrists instead and all she asked was if we could get that appointment and they would see her, then my aunt wanted to be the one to call and fire Associated Podiatrists. so on Weds (when my grandma had her every 4 month optometry appointment with her glaucoma specialist, but at a nearby clinic not downtown) I got my grandma to sign the new paperwork and the appointment with the new podiatrist is this coming week on the 7th, the first night of Channukah, in the afternoon (before I head downtown to see a production of All Is Calm, a musical  about the 1914 Christmas armistice.) And after we got that new appointment set, the contingent precogs stopped of me trying to navigate that damn accessibility nightmare of a parking lot during ice/snow season and my grandma slipping and falling and hurting herself incredibly badly.  Thank G-d the contingent precogs stopped upon making that change!!!!!

So anyway, that is the story of why that morning was so gods damn awful but after lunch and playing with puppies the day improved significantly by finding a way to solve the podiatrist problem (and the precogs they created) and to never have to navigate that place or those people again. And then we went and had a girls night at Grape Water (my mum, me, Crissy, Sarah, Karissa) drinking wine and eating pizza from Salvatore's Pies in the evening. And then my mum and I had more wine and watched dvred figure skating with the doggos til my da got home.

So that's the story of why I had such an awful morning on Tuesday and was so upset. and I have no idea what can be done to help OTHERS with accessibility issues who schedule to see that podiatrist office.... I cannot imagine trying to go see a fucking FOOT DOCTOR while on crutches going up the slope of that parking lot hill.....I have removed my grandma from those fatelines where it would have caused her physical harm in January navigating that location's idea of "accessibility for those needing to see foot doctors" but I feel twinges of guilt at all the other potentially handicapped individuals who have mobility issues thus are in need of podiatry services who don't have someone along to help them or who can't move to another clinic for whatever reason.... My aunt wants to warn people about how they mistreated my grandma to warn them and is hellbent on being a petty karen and reviewing them publicly and at state level somehow so future people will know about how they treated an elderly patient and her family, what my aunt is most upset about, but my concern is the safety hazard for those who most need to see a foot doctor dealing with that fucking sloped lot... It's just hazardous. Not just for an elderly person's mobility issue like my gran, but for all sorts of reasons people would conceivably need a podiatrist, y'know? It makes me feel guilt to know people could be hurt and hurt badly if they don't know about how bad the accessibility is there with that lot layout and lack of proper handicapped parking and the angled slope of their entire parking lot and every stall in it...With any ice, it would be dangerous for somebody healthy but I certainly don't want anyone being hurt navigating their lot when already injured in their feet/legs so they need to be using a walker or wheelchair or crutches especially.... It's physically unsafe for the people who need those medical services most...

I should head home soon (Waffles and I are at work getting hours in preemptively for this coming week) before the rain turns to snow --  I still have to carry up the three buckets of firewood from my parents garage that are in my trunk since Friday night. And then in the morning, I will be meeting Crissy at my parents house to drop off Waffles at 11am before heading downtown to meet Karissa and Denis at Cento for 11:30 boozy brunch before heading across the street to Overture Hall for the December Christmas symphony at 2:30. Then back to my parents house for dinner and the Packers game (my da will go work while we watch the game) and maybe knock out some more of the dvred Grand Prix of figure skating events.

P. S. 2:22am addendum: 

We did not head home before snow started. But it's still above freezing and heading home now. Will add another PostScript when I get home if I remember. And. Also

 THIS IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SNOWFALL SO FAR OF THIS WINTER!!!!!!! 💖❄️😍❄️

SO FLUFFY!!!! SO SPARKLY!!!! SUCH HUGE SNOWFLAKES!!!!!!!! I AM 100% STAYING UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH IT!!!! AND THEN WAKING THE DOG UP AS SOON AS THE SUN IS UP TO GO ON A WALK IN IT!!!! (no idea how Waffles will feel about that idea -- she was on in Texas and lived all her recent life in Kirkland WA. This is her first northern midwest winter. Luckily for her it's an El Nino year, but no idea her feelings about deeper than an inch or two of snow, lol.

P. P. S. 2:42am addendum: 

Made it home!!! Beautiful drive, but very slippy. Going to go haul wood now, then make tea. More another time.