I couldn't tell you who or what the cosmic cassowary are or why they show up in spirit dream space as such -- this is the first I can remember dreaming of them and their dance of the fates/free will, at least in this life. They know me, but while my soul's dream self was delighted to see them as very old friends, my ego self had no idea who they were or what spiritual guide forces they represent in that dream form. I know what shamanic skills of theirs they taught me or helped me unlock to remember, but I could not tell you who/what they ARE other than they are something more animistic elemental than the fée or angels or souls in the cycle of incarnations.
I did look up cassowary spiritual meaning as spirit guides and totemic shamanic meaning since I can't remember ever working with them, at least not in this life. It was fascinating and apropos. They apparently often show up when you feel you have a block on your path and are ready to give up and they can show you hidden strengths and reserves when cornered forced to fight fiercely even when your nature is or has recently been pacifist introvert.
I bring that up because....
Look, it's been months now since I wrote about any spirit dreams with the polar and I know that. But also, it's because it's been a helluva long time since he has reached me in spirit form in my dream space. I'm not saying he hasn't reached FOR me in that way, I'm just saying that whether he has or not, he hasn't actually reached me that way. And I'm not currently consciously blocking him or shutting him out these recent months, just, I haven't felt anything at all really down that bond in a while.
And. I will admit. When the moon moved into Cancer for the full moon on Tuesday (and I do have my moon in Capricorn, directly opposed the recent full moon) I hit my limit and felt a defensive self martyring rise up inside me as a result of not having heard from him down the bond or in any form for a while now. And I was feeling deeply but sincerely that, if I'm not any part of what he wants for his life and his happiness then the best I could do by him is to wish him all the happiness he DOES seek for himself this life and to release him from any expectations and cords to me free him to find whatever it is he's seeking -- because he knows far better than me what he wants. And I realize that's an old bugaboo of mine and a pattern of thinking I've tried before that's never worked and that caused me some serious mental/emotional health issues last life when I tried to live by that pattern of forced negating my desire trying to move forward while denying it. And it never has worked to deny it because of the continuous strength in the bond pulling us back toward each other is stronger than anything I've ever been able to do from my side to release him when I get it into my head that's what I ought to do.... But also, we're getting old in these bodies and no matter how much lifetime you have in any life, it's always going to be finite. Long finite or short finite, still each body's storyline is finite no matter if the soul is infinite. And there's only so much of that finite time you can spend holding onto a hope that feels fainter every day because frankly what the hell is there even for me to hold onto to make me think that he wants it too or if I'm reaching down the bond that there's any part of him reaching back toward me instead of him looking for his next distraction? At what point do you accept, "Not this life. The lessons one or both of us need aren't to be learned together, so I should release that blind faith I used to have that we would have a chance to be together this life and instead focus what time and energy remains to me on the good and the beautiful and the light that DOES want to be in my life."
I've been so long without hearing or feeling him down the bond and then there was so much love being immersed in my sister's family for two weeks then coming home to those who missed me and so I've been struggling with that question and trying to release him from any karmic strings from my side so he can find what he is seeking for himself this life.... And I have been questioning if it's right and where I landed right before I was falling asleep on Saturday was that....as long as I'm pushing unconditional love down the bond for him wherever his souls journey takes him and wishing him to find the greatest happiness he can seek and find, then I don't see how I can be doing wrong by him even if that love and wish is coming from a place where I have done my best to efface my own selfish desires and egoic karmic pull on him so he can find whatever it is he most truly wants for himself.
And that's where I've been in my head trying to control my heart almost all of this week, trying to erase my desires from pulling at him or influencing timing or expectations. Saturday I was being quite brutal with myself about the necessity of it, making me be realistic and honest with myself about what IS in the concrete quotidien right now and to do what in that headspace I genuinely believe is best by him. And then I went to sleep and in my dream space the cosmic cassowary fates/norns showed up in my dream space to force me to sit through a lesson and join in the cosmic dance of understanding the fate lines and what MUST be vs what WILL be if nobody changes the course vs what is PURELY free will take it anywhere you want. And that sort of lesson doesn't come along just because. They treated me like a hatchling because I've been behaving like a hatchling and needed a reminder lesson about how accepting something as fiat fated makes it your fate even if you misunderstood the time dance and the options still open within it.
I had a lot of wine tonight and wine, especially red wine like with the lamb course, makes me feel intense all encompassing agapic love for all of Creation. It's why I get myself in trouble if I drink too much wine, especially red wine, in public -- it makes me want to hug everyone tell them that they are loved and that is easily misconstrued. (Tonight I went to my parents house for surf and turf dinner with my parents and bff birthday twin chosen sister then watched the Packers game with my mum and Crissy and the doggos and all my sisters family on zoom watching with us then my da rejoined us all at the end of the zoom after the game was over. My da shared some of the two bottles of pomegranate prosecco, but between my mum, Crissy and me we drank a white, a two reds, and each had our quarter of each bottle of that prosecco -- so about 1.5 bottles of wine each for us three ladies.) And when the red wine induced agape love hit, I FELT that rush of pure love for all of Creation as it shattered the unconscious block that I hadn't realized I'd been building from that assumption I was running on for how to give him the freedom to find what he's truly seeking for himself. And when it broke, I just felt such a rush and surge of intense love and relief and gratitude down the bond..... It's been a long while since he has reached me like that, just as it has been a long time since I have shared dream space with him....
But here's the thing. I. I don't know how to wish him all the greatest happiness he seeks for himself in this life without falling into the dichotomy of a) my ego's selfish desire I be a part of it OR b) me actively trying to release him from any expectations/karmic pulls to me.... I don't know how to love and want his greatest happiness without either selfishly wanting me to be a part of it or self martyring trying to erase myself from the picture of it.... I don't know what any other option would even look like that is rooted in desiring his happiness if it's not framed by my subjective framework of my own selfish desires or in me trying to negate/deny/release my selfish desires. Because I can't make me not WANT our actual real 3d lives to come together, I can only make me accept that this is not the right timing for that so I should focus on what IS in my life this lifetime. Even at my most self martyring trying to release him from the ties to me, my own desire is what it is and I'm just trying to be a realist about this lifetime and the choices made thus far and that I'd rather he'd be happy than in my life if I'm forced to make that choice.
I've just been feeling the weight of time passing lately and recognizing that in these bodies, the clock is running down and all the blind faith of my youth has seemingly brought us no closer to being the versions of ourselves ready to come back together and try again to live a shared life path..... And so maybe it's just time for me to be a realist and give up on that hope and focus on what this life has as I'm living it. (That feels very weird to try to put into words with all his love flooding into me right now, but I'm trying to articulate the way I've BEEN feeling/thinking this week, not the way I currently AM feeling shining out so much of my own unconditional love and flooded with his love in return.)
The finiteness of physical bodies has been weighing on my soul this last week, it's been a hard year of a lot of deaths in my world, and I'm feeling that I ought to be putting my energy/life force into what IS in my life choose me rather than pining and hoping for what is always out of reach of being in my life.....
My cousin's mom did die on Christmas Day. On the Jewish side again. She divorced my uncle when I was a kid and I haven't seen her since my cousin's wedding, but once again someone in my extended family died on Christmas Day/Eve when I didn't have snow.... The snow started in southern Wisconsin when I got on my plane in Seattle -- I looked at the forecast for rain had a wistful, "O I do wish that would be snow to greet me when I get home" and it went from no accumulation night time forecast to several inches by 9am when my flight got in. Crissy and my mum said they both saw it and started laughing reacted, "Ope! Dani must be coming home, fresh snow everywhere to welcome her." It also fresh snowed again last night/this morning to have fresh snow bright clean white for the new year. And next Mon/Tues is supposed to be like 7" of snow if the forecast holds true.... If that forecast holds true, I look forward to taking the dog out for some snow frolics and making some chili or something in the slow cooker and laying a fire in the hearth so I can hygge it up and grin at the fresh falling snow!
I know it's not much right now, in an El Nino hottest year ever on record.... Especially not for December ending and January beginning in Wisconsin..... But sometimes you just have to rejoice in even the littlest things. Even a small amount of snow for this time of year is better than the no snow we had the night before I came back home, y'know? It settles my soul to have the snow blanket covering all the landscape when it's the winter months.
Anyway. I do struggle with the finite nature of physical bodies and the finite timespan of any given life and how much of this lifetimes he and I have already spent not on a shared path. And it does get me to thinking maybe it's time for me to grow up become a realist and give up that blind faith belief that somehow we will find our way back to each other.... And that leads me down the path of martyring my truest desires and instead trying to release the bonds between our souls so he can be free to seek his truest happiness he chooses for himself, whatever that is..... And I'm not saying it's right headed or even right hearted when I get to thinking like that, just that it happens when the weight of time passing and how much is now behind us not in front of us this life starts to drop sand by sand through the hourglass telling me to give up holding on hope because if he wanted me, he'd have prioritized finding me and holding on to me in his life and he hasn't so clearly other things matter more to him in the schéma of what he seeks to build his life around for his happiness ..... And I don't claim that's fair of me, only that sometimes it's the way I get to feeling/thinking and when I do, it's what pushes and motivates me to try to release him from his cords attached to me in the name of whatever the happiness is that he seeks for himself this lifetime.....
And none of that would I have been able/willing to even try to put into words here or anywhere to explain WHY I have been pushing him out trying to deny my own desires in the name of making him free to pursue the happiness he IS seeking/choosing to build his life around. ("freedom's just another word for, nothing left to lose.") But I know that I wouldn't have written here about it all if I were currently still in the midst of feeling it the right thing for me to do by him. It's only because the wine agape love made me reach out raw golden unconditional love flood down the bond break all blocks and dams and his love came surging back down the bond toward me the moment he felt it....
I dunno. It's just. The pressure of each grain of sand falling as time passes and the finite limit grows ever smaller and still it feel there's no rapprochement.... Sometimes it just makes me feel I should embrace the realism of what IS, of the divergent paths where our current choices have brought us, and just accept it instead of holding on to the hoping and dreaming that one of these days, somehow, we'll both be ready to reunite and choose a path forward together as the happiness we both seek and desire.
I dunno. Maybe that's a lot but it's sometimes how the crucible of all the potential fate lines condensing into one present moment that falls into the vast sands of the past FEELS and weighs upon me in each and every moment that passes where we don't choose paths that bring us together again....
I dunno if any of that even makes any sense..... I should probably just go to bed. No problem ever got solved or even felt any lighter by staying up into the wee hours letting your overthinking and anxiety keep worrying at it.....
[Post title: lyrics to Surface Pressure, Luisa's song from the Encanto soundtrack. Encanto remains Monroe's favorite movie, and she loves this song because it's her mom (my sister's) favorite. so I've spent a lot of the last several weeks rewatching the movie and listening to the songs. I had this song playing in my head the entire time from the moment I started tapping out the parts of this post about the way I've been thinking and feeling I ought to be realistic and release with love any expectations or hope on my part regarding this lifetime and our life paths.]
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