Waffles has mostly stopped looking for Spock first thing when we come home and first thing when she wakes up.  She still does it multiple times a day/night when we're at home, but not like she did right away. She's still laying across the place he died and sighing whenever she's missing him. And she's whimpering in her sleep sometimes while she dreams, and when she wakes up from those dreams she goes and lays across the spot he died. So I know she's dreaming about him being gone, and this is her first death she knows of -- not her first loss/separation from loved ones but her first death of forever gone no chance to ever re-encounter the loved one in that body you knew and loved so well. Right now, she's not wanting me out of her sight like she thinks if I leave her I too might die.  owever a dog processes loss and grief she's going through it. (She's a Cancer baby, so just like Audrey who was my Pisces pup she feels everything she feels deeply and completely. Whatever anyone has to say about the shifting tides and inconsistency (I've heard some call it infidelity especially whenever a new love/lust fixation is in their life because they forget about everything they used to care about while overwhelmed by the new object of obsessive all consuming feelings) of water signs, it is their truth that everything they feel they feel deeply and truly -- there's never a lie in anything they're feeling, at least for as long as they are feeling it. It's always a question with water signs how long the feelings will last until you are replaced, never the intensity or truth of the feelings while they are driven and consumed by them. )

Anyway. That's how the dog is handling it. 

For me. I haven't cried since I was alone right after burying him. And guilt still assails me over not having done enough and not having loved/pet/snuggled him enough while I could and all the what ifs of what I could have done differently as far as vet care or taking him an emergency vet or euthanasia instead of letting him pass at home on his terms as he insisted he wanted, especially guilt over all my choices over those last weeks of his rapid decline and downturn (spoiler alert: no matter what choices you make, the what ifs will haunt you with guilt whenever a loved one dies, especially a dependent loved one.) Now we are passed the three day window of intense soul revision after the death, Spock is in his visiting spirit phase and I keep thinking I see him in random places at home even though I know it's just his ghost visiting not him embodied. Sometimes he will curl up near Waffles when she is whimpering in her sleep, but also Waffles won't jump up on my lap or curl up on the bed with me while Spock's ghost is there, not until he's gone again not right near me. 

Also as of yesterday when I measure it, my hair has grown out over an inch already since Thursday, I can pull it back into a low ponytail, low pigtails, and most of it will stay in a medium to high ponytail without excessive use of bobby pins. My hair always grows fast, an inch to two inches per week is normal for me in the summer months, in the winter it's more like half inch to inch a week because not as much sunlight and more hats covering it up from what sunlight there is so less vitamin D. But it's easy to tell right now because I cut the braid off right at the nape of my neck so the hair right at the back/base of my hairline was pretty much right at the skin so every bit of length on it is new growth. Like I said, my hair grows super fast, it will grow even faster the more time I spend out in the sun. That's how the curls pulled straight were already down to my belly button in under 2.5 years since chopping off a braid to bury with Audrey even though I kept cutting it to keep it above shoulder length but still able to tie back out of my face until Sept 2024 when I started letting it grow long again. 

This is what it looked like after we came home from work after burying Spock (with the grief less raw in my face as by the grave side and without the hat, which I ended up accidentally breaking but it was free swag I won and I rarely wore it) 

This is what it looked like after I washed it the next morning from chopping it off (hadn't slept yet but knew I needed to shower and have time for my hair to dry before getting to the DMV to transfer title and plates which had to be done that day or wait until June when my parents get back): 

It always curls up looks very Snow White at exactly that length and inverted bob right after I cut it. (My hair is a curl type that curls more the more length it has, opposite of what you expect with added weight; it also tends to be straighter have less curl when I'm exhausted or emotionally drained and curls up the greater my vitality and aliveness are. Always been that way.) it doesn't STAY Snow White length for long, but right after I cut it off, I always get about a week of perfect Snow White bob. It's just hair, but I do know I could keep it cute at that length if I wanted to cut it every week. But that's more effort and money than I care to invest in for my hair. So however emo (and since Sat it's MAJORLY emo no matter where the part falls or what amount of curl/volume it has) this stage will be, expecting me to get it cut even once a month is a lot more than I want to invest in hair that insists on growing back stupidly fast

I'm pretty sure I'm now past the point of the powerful witch who has seen too much grief/loss resting bitch face "if you fuck around with me, I will gut you navel to sternum like a fish and feel no remorse" I get in my earliest stage of grieving that the moment I precogged is now and the body housing a soul I loved breathes no more. At least, I think I am.... I actually haven't seen any humans since Friday so maybe I'm still pretty resting bitch face "that witch will fuck you up if you mess with her" stage of my grieving process. I could fake it as needed on Friday for as long as I needed to at the DMV and with my mom to get the car stuff taken care of, but not particularly well or for very long, I lay down for a nap claimed it was for migraine between lunch and waiting for someone to be free to help me change out the plates without accidentally stripping the screws/hex bolts. And as I said, I haven't seen anyone but my dog since Friday except checking on Henry (Crissy's cat) on Sat and Sun while she was out of town -- and Henry doesn't count as a living human any more than Waffles does, lol. So I may still have that resting bitch face fafo hardness to me -- I just haven't dealt with living humans in person for it to be obvious. 

I am still wearing black and my nails are painted black (until they peel off and I need to repaint them -- weirdly, my finger nails treat all brands of nail polish like it's kid safe peel off nail polish, especially if I shower or go swimming) and my hair is still VERY emo straight most of the time... But I'm pretty sure that the "this witch gives no fucks so try me" resting bitch face phase of me grieving is past. But maybe not. I dunno. This is what the phone camera says: 

I look very fey, which still has a bit of the "you can fafo, but I'm not in the mood to be forgiving or understanding..." I'm not sure I see much gentleness yet back in me in the pictures.

My friend Debbie's cat Mia (who was 18 years old) just died yesterday as well and about a week before Spock my friend Cindy's elderly cat Dolly died. It's been a hard May of elderly house panthers I know going to the underworld.... Mia was the only animal in my circle of friends currently older than my parents dog Sophie.... 

Spock has told me that he won't even think of moving his soul along until I have a new house panther to guard the home who he has met and helped train, that his spirit will stay right here until I do. I promised Spock not to get a ginger tabby, no cat with orange at all, right after him because Spock is still working through his issues with Colby from before Spock was mine.

Angel's Wish rescue is running a special until June 1 of $25 adoption fees for all cats, all adoption fees waived for their "forget-me-not" cats who have been there longest, and normal fees for kittens. Which is ridiculously good deal and I did look through them because in my view, every home needs it's spirit realm protector in a feline form just as it needs its heart guardian in canine form. Without both the astral and the physical love beastie guardians, it's just somewhere you sleep and store your things but not a true home. But beyond the questions of if our hearts are opened enough yet in our stage of grieving for a new fur baby, I just don't know that I should adopt a new cat so soon after Spock's death while my place will still smell of him.... Some I could see in my flat if I chose but none of them made my heart sing, "you will be bonded to me for the remaining years of your corporeal life" and I always know with an animal. I always know, even if they live with other family/friends and it makes no sense I still know. Without that knowing, I will wait a little bit and let the cat distribution system have a little time for the right one to find me.... Especially with my sister visiting end of June and Irish season in August, I shouldn't be looking for a new cat until either after Irish fest season or until after I come back from visiting my sister's family for Christmas. I need to be mostly home on a semi regularly schedule for 2-3 months after bringing a new animal home before leaving them alone with pet sitters they don't yet hardly know. 

So as much as I miss having a purring guardian at home and need to be more consistent warning and gridding and protecting my space until I next have a feline fur baby familiar, I would need to get one now in the next week or right after Irish season or right around the new year ideally. Though cat distribution system may have one in need of a home cross my path at any point without me trying or overthinking it. 

I may be out of my black emo phase by the time my family visits, but if I'm not I feel less bad about it because me going through it again with Audrey led to Monroe embracing her dark spooky Jack Skellington loving side and she likes to be spooky with me even at Christmas time -- so it won't be quite as jarring for her as when she was five not to have me as her fashion icon in my whites and pinks and greens sparkly fairies and unicorns version of me.

As far as plans this weekend, it is my intention to go to Farmer's market early on Sat to get tomato/pepper seedlings finally and then later in the day meet up with Sarah and Mikaela to buy the annuals for work. But, we will see how bad the air quality is with the warnings due to the wildfires in Manitoba and Saskatchewan. (Especially the Manitoba fires are unreal -- over 17,000 already evacuated from it and May isn't even over yet so it's early for fire season to already be causing air quality issues...) If M and i are headachey exhausted due to the fires air quality, we may reschedule.