I'm no longer at any level angry or frustrated with my gran as I was. You have to accept and love people for their nature, even when sometimes you're dealing with versions of them that are harder to love given their behavior patterns. It was just that.... Intellectually and from soul compassion, I KNEW it was her fear over her vision and mental faculties diminishing and her loss of agency and power in the world that was causing her to try to assert agency everywhere she could even if it was petty stubbornness while lashing out the fear, even to those trying to help her. And some of it is anxiety as well as fear to be out in the world and out navigating places/schedules so different form her quotidian -- she is so diminished from the powerful independent woman she once was and while it's been an erosion over time, there's times it seems like it hits her the difference of the anxiety of being so dependent upon others versus the independent strength she used to navigate the world. And I KNOW that, and it's part of how I let it go once the situation moves on, once she was better not kvetching over everything because we had finished the appointment and I had grandma back to her own building which she feels like she can navigate from her own unit to the dining room and back again and have control/knowledge over timing and who she encounters when and where. And while she doesn't apologize, once she was back home within her realm of control/agency (as much as she has it) she came as close as she does in her ways of showing kindness and gratitude. 

But, that said, no matter how much you UNDERSTAND the reasons someone is behaving that way, it's still hard to keep your calm and your cheerfulness when you keep getting yelled at for trying to be helpful and then getting yelled at for not doing the thing you were just trying to do.... I mean, I'm a Libra sun Pisces rising Capricorn moon, so I'm heavily skewed toward empathy and wanting everyone to be as happy/harmonious as possible while being fairly logical and karmic rather than emotional reactionary, but even I can still be hurt by the way I'm treated EVEN AS I can understand how/why the other person is behaving in those ways. I mean, nobody LIKES being yelled at when trying to be helpful as possible and then getting yelled at for not doing what you JUST got yelled at for trying to do to circumvent the current frustration..... Okay, well, I shouldn't say nobody -- I'm sure there are subs whose kink that might be to be dominated that way, though weird if they want it from their grandma but there are some people with strange kinks in this world....and who am I to judge? But also, that ain't me. (My kink is being treated as an equal, actually. I find it really fucking hot. I hate being told what to do and I hate having to teach others tell them what to do -- but being treated as an equal and wanting the same thing is definitely a turn on for me. Libra sun Pisces rising, I like balance and compassion. Intentional acts of cruelty and bullying for the ego trip is probably my biggest turn off in a person as well as my shortest fuse in my temper when I'm confronted with it.) I just digressed to a very strange non sequitor... Back on the original track. My POINT was: I do NOT like being yelled at for trying to be helpful then being yelled at for not doing the thing i was just trying to do for you. And continuously treating me that way does get me hurt and angry and upset even if I have to strive not to show it, especially with someone like my grandma who is dependent on my assistance to get her to her appointments.

But also.... I can remember who my grandma was and love her and admire and have gratitude for who she has been and I can feel her fear and anxiety over what her world has diminished into and I feel strongly that it is important to care give the elders who gave love and cares for you when you were small and needed it... I don't see abandoning an elder when they are in need of the strength of those who are younger as something a good person engages in. To be there for the dimming days of anyone or anything you have loved is the last acts of love you can ever get to give the embodiment of another soul. Whether it's an elder or whether it's a pet or whether it's someone younger who has received a diagnosis that tells them the duration of their finite time remaining.... The last acts of love you can give are to be cherished because you KNOW they are finite diminishing, you can SEE the sands draining out and how close you are to the hourglass emptying until its next turn into another life. (They are to be cherished to honor the love that has been shared, even when the moments themselves are intermixed with hurt or sorrow or infuriating or frustrating.)

At least that's how I see it. And it's why I go into it knowing that some days I'm not going to get the nicest version of her but still I have no problems at all with stepping up to rearrange my schedule to help my grandma be the primary one who takes her to her appointments (even though none of her other grandkids help out and I'm often helping her more than some of her kids.) And, today, for one of the first times, she kept intermittently referring to me as one of her kids not her granddaughter but at other times she would remember exactly who I am.... just as a sign of how her dementia is worsening. She hasn't started calling me Gracie like my great-grandma did the last several times I saw her... Grandma and her sister and their brother have all told me independently over the years since I became an adult that the rhythm of my voice and especially my laugh sounds exactly the same as great-great-aunt Grace did when they were kids and that she was GGB's favorite sister so it was a compliment. (I never met my great-great-aunt Grace as far as I can remember or anyone else can remember when I asked, she was a whiskey drinking jazz singer and a modern dancer and by the time I was born she lived in either New Mexico or Arizona because she said the dry air was kinder on her lungs. She died when I was a young kid of lung cancer/emphysema from decades of chain smoking. It's kind of weird though to be told by multiple people that my voice and especially my laugh sound like a relative I never met, but at least she was a well beloved spark of joy in this world!)  But I shouldn't be surprised that my gran gets confused as to who is a kid vs grandkid, she is in her late 80s already.

I probably oughtn't to have complained, but sometimes even I just need to vent to release the hurt/frustration and level out see the balance and understand again. I process emotions in words to see the form of the crystallized word palaces I'm building so it's not all just big oceanic waves ever changing form. And that's how I often use this, to put emotions and thoughts and experiences into word forms so I can see them, y'know? 

I was serious about the line of questioning at the end of the last post though. I know it got truncated by my gran coming back to the waiting room with the help of one of the techs. 

I don't pretend to have the answers to those questions -- this is the first I've ASKED myself why I consider the hypothesis that he doesn't feel the pull of the bond or wouldn't care about it or me. And why questions are often some of the hardest to answer. (It's probably the reason I ask them so often.) But I think it's important for my own inner health of head/heart that I try to answer that. Beyond the potential of it affecting future growth if we ever move things from the 5d to the 3d real world, I just think it's important I understand what inside me (whether generally or specific to him) makes me consider such assumptions as if they could be true when I have no evidence (other than lack of anything moving forward) of their truth value and quite a bit of experiential evidence that it is false (such as how he reacts to any weakening or pulling away in the bond.) 

And gods fucking damnit, but I ought to know better than to stand in my own damn way or block my own shot!!! Like, if he truly doesn't want me never did, well fine then that stings but is what it is and I'll move on with my life -- but blocking what I WANT by assuming what I don't want to be truth is a fucking asinine getting in my own way blocking me from what I want. So for fuck's sake, I won't let me do that and don't you dare let me do that either if you catch me doing it!!! We deserve better from me....

Trying to answer this questioning (about why I would believe that the bond might only pull one way or that he might be unaware of it) doesn't SOLVE the problem that's been agitating stirring up my inner storms though -- the question of not seeing any changes or reasons to believe things are moving toward reality in the 3d everyday and feeling like I'm wasting my finite time in this incarnation by waiting on what's not yet happened and shown no signs of imminence that it ever will.  But that isn't something I can think my way out of -- it's something that I will have to make choices around based on what I'm seeing in the real world choices he and I make and create.... And, I think there is something that could be hurtful and accidentally cruel in me telling someone "I don't believe you feel/experience this intense connection between us" especially when it's someone who time and again has shared how deeply they feel the things they feel/experience and keeps having strange synchronicities that point toward him remembering past lives if not the pull to me this life..... And I guess until my own damn hair got upset that I would use the example of questioning its very nature, I hadn't even considered that there was something hurtful in denying or even questioning if he feels the bond as well or cares about it.... And I have never wanted to hurt him. Which isn't the same as saying I've never hurt him, only that I've never WANTED to and it's only after the fact I realize something I say/do/choose had the power to cause him pain even if it wasn't my intention.

And. Also. Just because something hasn't happened YET doesn't mean he hasn't been working damn hard in his own way and his own timing to manifest it happening. Even with all my gifts, I don't know everything and I don't see everything. And sometimes when you're too close invested to care too much, you can't see the shifts that others can see. I'm not currently at a crossroads of choosing between someone else or continuing to wait for him, I'm just wondering if I should be trying to set my course find my way to such a crossroads. I'm still very much in the mindset and heartspace that if he showed up at my door or randomly crossed my path, I'd drop everything else choose him and try to find a way to heal and build a future path together with him. There ain't any questioning or trying to make me be a realist about what is IN my 3d life vs what is only 5d inner life that can shake that truth about how I'd react to having him right in front of me again. And since I know that about myself, I reckon you deserve to know it too of you're going to have to endure the torturous twists in all my questioning and overthinking.

*yawns* I'm tired now and I've got way more hours in than I needed to at work for this week. I'm going to finish up this cuppa tea and tidy up my desk before heading home.

P.S. Thinking of which! I forgot to mention.... My negative line of thinking from the questioning that I was getting stuck in.... It stopped when in my sleep I broke my baltic amber necklace I'd been wearing instead of my Claddagh ring or copper wire wrapped  mother of pearl... As in, I sat up in bed to put my glasses on and suddenly there was a round thing on the bed laying on the sheet between me and the side table. And at first I had no idea what it was, thought maybe it was the eye of my Kali polar bear from St. Louis Zoo or something... Only when I picked it up did I recognize it as an oval of amber and realized that it had literally detached itself broken off from the silver setting of the necklace.... And then after that, it was like my head broke out of the clouds and I started reminding myself that while it's important to question, it's wrong to treat a line of questioning AS IF it is true without having EVIDENCE that it might, y'know, actually have evidence it's true. And I'm not claiming any form of causation between my necklace or it breaking and me breaking out of those ways of overthinking in circles, I'm just noticing the correlation and thinking it curious, y'know?