Grandma is extra feisty today.... But her vision has gotten much worse recently and this is her optometry appointment so I'm not surprised. *sigh* it's just not much fun getting kvetched at over things that aren't my fault (or hers) like the wind or navigating across the bumpy thresholds of doors or her glasses fogging up or navigating through doorways/elevators without me leading because I have to hold it open for her or being too far ahead or too close (though I'm the same distance ahead I always am) for her to follow so she can't see my feet or having to sit and wait til they call us..... It's never fun to be someone's whipping boy, even when you love them and you can intellectually understand that it's a measure of exerting what control she can in her waning years even if all the  control she has is to complain voice her displeasure things are difficult. 

She's just in a mood. And even when she recognizes that she wasn't her best self in how she treated others, my Scorpio grandma never apologizes to anyone. She thanks gives gratitude, but she never apologizes..... Today is simply one of those test of patience to let the harsh roll off my back and to continue to respond with kindness and compassion recognizing it's her fear of her failing vision that's reacting, not her love. Some days be like that, and at least this waiting room is a great mix of 50s jaxzy crooners (like Sinatra) and Motown. Much better than the dentist office for her Mon appointment which was playing gods awful bro country.... My temper was more frayed by the music than Gran's kvetching on Monday, lol. For another round of waiting rooms, this music is much preferable!! Much easier to keep my temper in check at getting yelled at for things that aren't my fault and I can't do anything about.... Oy gevalt. This too shall pass. Wish I had coffee with me, but UW health is a masks required for everyone so I didn't even bring it in from the car.

(This is the main reason why I'm the one in the family who takes her to her appointments.... Patience is not the strongest virtue for most of my dad's side of the family, lol. Also I can set my own hours and catch up on them whenever possible, which helps, but it's mostly that I have the patience to stay kind through the kvetching and read through the waiting. Which is more than her son's can say, and her daughter is better than the brothers but she has limits to her patience. My mum can stay nice but starts seething hut underneath it takes it personal, she's also a Scorpio, and then plays the "she's not my mom" card. It's best for everyone to have me be the one taking her to appointments.) 

Querulous. That's the adjective I want for how gran is today..... Querulous and combative..... 

Anyway. I didn't mean to kvetch about Grandma's kvetching, I should be grateful for the blessing she's still in my life at all at her age. 😆 

The reason I started this in my phone instead of reading the next chapter of Braiding Sweetgrass (which I've been very much loving as my purse book!) I think ut's probably worth me examining WHY I consider it within the realm of consideration that maybe the pull of the bond runs one way or that the love/yearning is something I feel and he doesn't. Because from a physics perspective, tensions are the felt equally on both ends that pull toward each other. And, it IS true that he has a very strong stubborn reaction of refusal and on trying to get back the bond to its accustomed every time there's been any separation or pulling away or putting the bond to sleep or anything that DIMINISHES the intensity of being able to reach each other. 

And that would make the case pretty damn clear that the pull of the bond is something he can feel an knows he wants in his life and in his soul. Whether he knows it's me or in what capacity in his life he wants it, still it's pretty dang clear that he gets upset/hurt over anything that diminishes the bond and he will do everything in his power, move heaven and earth, to get it back again and hold onto it. 

Which is pretty damn clear that the bond is NOT just one way or that he could be completely oblivious or indifferent to it. So why then do I sometimes get to doubting it runs both way? (Why do I doubt that my hair is curly not just wavy?)

And I don't know. I don't know if it's just trying to make all the data, including the distance and lack of communication and choosing others not each other, into a pattern that makes sense of it all. It could be some form of self sabotaging, but I have no idea what instigates it if that's the case.... It's not like there's any rapprochement that triggers a flight reaction, if anything it's the LACK of any progress toward rapprochement makes me doubt that it's going to happen or is even anything he is desiring for himself. 

But from a purely objective stand point, it does seem like I'm doing wrong by him to think that he might not feel the bond too.... He may not understand it (and who says I do?) or know who I am -- but he definitely reacts negatively to changes in it that pull away contact and reacts positively returning love for love when I send him random pulses of love down the bond. 

So I should really consider what makes me even ask the question, "what if the bond only runs one way and it's all in my head?" If that's coming from fear, facing fear, self-sabotage to keep me from reaching for what I want, genuine evidence to support that line of questioning.... I should try to figure WHY I sometimes get to thinking that way. Because I don't know why I even entertain the idea.

And I should. Because I can't claim my motive is truth seeking if I don't even know how in hell there's any grounds for thinking it could be true ... And it's damn hard to disprove a theory that isn't evidence based truth seeking. You can't disprove unicorns, you can only say you've never seen evidence for them. Similarly, I can't disprove the idea that the bond only runs one way but I do have evidence that he reacts to it's strength or when it's weakened/threatened....

Ack! I have to interrupt this mid musing. Grandma's visual field test is done and she's back now to the waiting room to wait for her appointment itself.