So I was thinking this early morning sitting near the fire sipping my Santorini Sunrise tea and watching first light turn to dawn. Of all the vision dreams I have ever had with the polar bear in them, never once has he intentionally hurt me or threatened me in dream space. Never even shown anger with me. Plenty of other entities have threatened me or wished me harm in dream space, but he never has.... The worst he ever does toward me is not listen to me or forget about me because he gets distracted by someone else. And that's when I reach a point of hunger or need to get somewhere safer in the spirit realm or just move on since I can do no good sticking around so I regretfully have to leave him to follow my own path and hope eventually he will find a path that leads to me again whenever he's ready to move on or realizes my absence. But never once has he ever in any way hurt or threatened or even gotten angry at me in spirit dream. I've seen him threaten or get angry at other spirit beings, I've seen him self harm his spirit form when he won't listen to me, and I've seen him attack with intense ferocity whatever barriers are between him and me making it he can't reach me.... But never has he ever even once shown me anger or a potential to hurt me in spirit dreams, not even when he's in his biggest fiercest polar bear form. It's only ever been love and protection from him toward me. Well, that or forgetting about me ignoring me while distracted by other things. But even at his most sad or desperate or trying to claw and smash through everything between us, he's never once tried to use force or harm my spirit form in the spirit dreams. Not once. Not ever. 

And I think that's an important realization. Because it's not the norm in spirit dreams. There's a lot of testing and pain within the spirit dream realms and you have to be very cautious whom you trust and how far you extend it. But never has he tried to use force or even the potential of hurting me or even gotten angry at me. (Angry upset at any barriers between us, yes, but not angry or upset at me.) And I think that's really important..... All the hurt or sorrow I've ever had from him in spirit dreams come from him ignoring me while infatuated with other entities and me reaching the point of having to go on without him no matter how far or blocked the easy path to reach me got for him. All my hurts or sorrows from him were in him ignoring not listening to me and/or in me having to make me move on without him as a result. never once was it pain or sorrow he ever INTENTIONALLY caused me and never has he threatened me, not in anger or frustration or any emotion, in spirit dream space.

 Not once. Not in all these years. 

And that is something worth knowing and acknowledging. That except when he's ignoring/forgetting me because he's distracted, all he ever wants in spirit dream space is to find his way to be with me and keep me close and walk the paths of spirit dream space with me, taking on whatever adventures or dangers or delights together.

I mean, that's actually really fucking sweet.... And a very powerful realization about what his vision quest self wants and how we interact at stripped to soul deep selves. And also, when I realized that about how he shows up in spirit dreams, it definitely made me feel all soft inside warm fuzzies weak kneed at the realization. Because that's actually a really beautiful and rare and patient and humble way to show up in vision dreams where everything is truth, though sometimes it's a symbolic form of truth.

I'm not sure how I never noticed that before about how he shows up toward me in vision dreams spirit form.... But maybe it's harder sometimes to notice what a person doesn't do than what they do, if that makes sense. But there's just such a deeply steadfast beautiful love and patience in showing up so often but never even once showing up in anger or frustration AT me or in any way threatening me.... Just love and joy and a desire to be with me share the journey together whichever paths we're walking in spirit form. And it just makes me feel so shiny eyed without words because my emotions are bigger more powerful than words can contain to realize that consistent truth in how he shows up for me in vision dreams.... 

It made me wish he was here so I could wrap my arms around him and hug him and just pour my own warmth of love into him and my joy that he IS. 

Only I wasn't sleeping so I couldn't even do that in spirit dream form, best I could do was trying to flood the bond with those feelings and hope it reached him and he recognized the depth and intensity of feeling in it.

And I thought that worth sharing now that I'm sitting on the couch reading and watching the fire burn down, snuggling the sleeping dog curled up next to me and the purring cat curled up by my head, and finishing up the rest of the coffee from breakfast. (When I was wide awake in the early morning, I decided to lay a fire since it was like -3F outside and the cathedral ceilings in the living room get chilly when wind chills get that cold and a fire in the hearth is way more effective with the high ceilings than turning up the heat.) I'm currently waiting on the coals to burn down so I can close the flue safely. My plan for today is to get hours in at work since I was unable to get my car out of the garage from last Thurs night til Tues evening due to how bad the failure at snow removal or ice removal was after the second foot or so of snow. Let's just say part of the problem was they did no plowing of the steep graded driveways into the underground garages so there was over a foot of snow with tire track ice runnels and black ice at the base by the drains so it looked like a ski jump into a garage door..... The number of cars and 4 wheel drive SUVs I watched fail getting out  and/or nearly slamming into the garage doors that scraped up the tops of their vehicles because they couldn't stop before the doors got open enough..... I opted to leave my car in the garage til they at least came back to put some sane down for traction.... Which they did on Tuesday. I actually had Crissy come pick up and drop off me and the dog last Sat for Beetlejuice musical and I had my da come pick up and drop off me and the dog for me to watch the football game with my mum last Sun..which means I couldn't start getting any hours in til Tues and Fri I had symphony tickets. So I need to get hours in today before going to watch the game with my mum or I'll have to use ptso time this week. And I don't want to. I could also finished getting hours in tomorrow, but I'd rather have tomorrow to get a jump on hours in for next week, lol. Especially since the 27 I'm heading to Milwaukee for an Emma Langford concert at ICHC.

But for now, slow morning fur baby snuggles and coffee and reading waiting for the last of the shimmery sparkle sounding coals to die down before I get ready to head to work and then dinner with my parents before my mom and the dogs and I watch the Packers playoff game tonight. 

Also. I can't explain it in words very well, but my realization in the predawn staring at the fire about the steadfast nature of his soul and the ways his polar bear spirit form has and hasn't shown up in vision dream space, that realization made me light up so bright and joyous and full of just the shiniest love light for him and the goodness in him toward me.