Okay. Last post of overthinking due to wanting to act but not knowing how to do so thus trying to figure it out. (Moon in Aries much?) After this thought/reflection, I'll turn the lights off go to sleep. Promise. I'll even leave my book in the other room so I have to get up out of bed before I can read any more of it. 

I think. A lot of my miscues and wrong headed actions regarding him come from listening to what I THINK or ASSUME he wants for himself rather than listening to my own heart or finding out from him what he DOES want.  I think finding out what he ACTUALLY wants for himself and his happiness he seeks would go further than anything else to curtail me running away with a conclusion built of good logic from a very faulty bad premise. Knowing what he ACTUALLY wants for himself and his happiness would give me much better foundations and premises to build upon. I think, more than anything else, learning from him what he wants for himself and his happiness is the one thing I need more than anything else right now. 

And my head can't think my way into that knowledge as a certainty, only hypothèses of varying degrees of accuracy. And my heart can't feel it's way to that truth as a certainty because it has no evidence for it's insistence, "he wants you and your love just as intensely and deeply as you want him and his love. Things would be much simpler if you both stopped rationalizing other possible paths and just chose to find a way to each other no matter any damn thing else." The only way I can know what he wants with any evidence basis for certainty is to listen to him and what he actually says he wants, in his own ways and his own time. And that is for him to choose and decide how and when and if he wants to share that information about his truths.

I'm not very good at patience though....I try to be, but I'm not very patient. Not really. I only seem like I am because the ADHD makes me super curious and easily distracted. It's not really patience so much as the distractions intersection where object impermanence meets time blindness.

But. I think. I can't think my way into knowing what he wants for himself and his happiness and to build his life around. I'll have to wait for him to let me know in his own time and way. But I can think and consider ways I can actively help, now and in the future, to tell the fears to go fuck themselves and to create new memories to override the old ones created by fears and other strong (negative) emotions. I can think how I can be better from my end of things so old patterns don't repeat again. That's a worthy task to put my overthinking into while I await more concrete knowledge from him about his happiness and what he wants for his life.