Yeah no, I don't actually want Andrea, nor Keith neither. (Though the pull of Keith and figuring out our past life ties and curiosity to see where a relationship might lead is stronger than any other karmic has been for me in many many years...) Not really. Not if pulling the bond tighter and actually being together with Eric in real life is on the table. I just didn't think it was anymore. And I've spent a long while trying to swallow that bitter truth make me accept it and move on look elsewhere. And a part of that move on look elsewhere is being open to guys I like well enough they pique my interests to open up a flirtation and a more than flirtation. I don't date often and I don't bother with dating apps because I really can't be bothered with another cheap dopamine hit slot machine style social media waiting for you to hit something appeals to you. I don't have enough time/energy as is for everyone I care about and everything I want to do -- you have to be real fucking special for me to even think about it you deserve enough of my time/energy to spend on getting to know you. 

I'm not particularly invested in a flirtation with Andrea or anything more. I just think he's cute and I clearly make him tongue tied with desire/interest and I wasn't averse to giving him more of my time/energy. And in the start of August when I was introduced to Andrea, I was very much in the head space of accepting that I was no part of the happiness Eric sought to build his life around this lifetime so it was for me to look elsewhere to choose another path. It's only been like 36hrs that I've even had the question of a thought that maybe Eric isn't off the table and he had never intended for me to draw that conclusion and act on it. It's not something that feels tangible or real or evidence based, it's just that voice inside you asks you to evaluate because maybe you were wrong in your first analysis.

It's been a long while since I last held any hope or faith inside me that I might actually be an integral part of the happiness Eric seeks for his life in this lifetime. And it's a faith that hurt deeply when reality tells you they were a false hope, a pretty lie you told yourself with no foundations in reality.  You can't expect even the question that maybe my assumptions he wouldn't miss me or the bond to suddenly flower into full blown belief that he did miss it and wants to (re)claim having me and those fate lines for his path. It just doesn't work that way. Especially with nothing solid to base such a belief and hope on -- it just feels like a temptation to be hurt again when the pretty lie you want to be true proves to be just another pretty lie. Again.

Look. I know what I want if every option is on the table, and that's as steadfast unwavering as a fixed star. But it's been a long while since I even accepted the premise that what I want COULD be on the table. I'm a very long way from having any reason to believe that what I want is the same as what he wants and so between us we can find a way to bring our waking lives together to walk the future fate lines together on a shared life path. I'm not saying it's impossible to get me there, I'm just not there right now and I don't feel like there's enough that's REAL enough to make me do more than start to whisper to myself the question if maybe it could be on the table at some point after all..... 

I don't expect that's what you want to hear, anymore than you want to hear that there are other musicians I find attractive have struck up flirtations with in the last almost two months.... but it's not my way to tell you what you want to hear, it's my way to tell you the truth as I experience it and to the best of my knowledge. 

Me even starting up any form of light flirtation with Andrea and thus the potential for me being trouble tonight would never have happened if I had believed a future life path together with Eric was one of the options on the table for me. But I still don't believe it to be on the table, though in the last 36hrs for the first time in a long time I've been questioning, "but is he off the table? Are you sure that's what he wants? Because if it isn't what he wants, if what he wants is to not just be AN option but to be THE option, then you thinking he's to be written off is a fucking ton of heartbreak for both of you...." 

I don't know what he wants. I truly don't. I know what I want but until 36hrs ago I never even questioned the belief I made me accept that I am no part of the happiness he seeks so I need to release him and look elsewhere for myself and my future life path. Because you can want something til the end of the world, but if it doesn't want you back then you're wasting your time on a dead end.... 

Rumi famously said in one of his poems, "what you seek is seeking you" -- but just because a poet claims something doesn't make it truth. And when all Eric's choices up til now have always proven false any faith in that truth, it's hard to have faith even as small as a mustard seed in the questions about maybe he did miss the bond and maybe he wants the connection back and has realized he needs it central to his life for his own happiness same as I know I need it for me at my shiniest version of me with the best and brightest future fate lines in front of me. I mean, I didn't give up turn to walk away without believing I was giving him what he chose and wanted for himself..... do you know how hard it is to freely give up with no ill will, just the blessing that you hope he find the happiness he seeks for himself, one of the only damn things this world has to offer you that your heart is set on wanting?! What the hell would make you think that was ever an easy thing? Or make you think that there was any damn thing I liked about giving up sacrificing the bond and the promise of the love in it, even in the name of giving him what I believed by his life choices he desired. I'm not a saint even if some of my past lives have been sainted and martyred. I did it in the name of his happiness rather than my own, because mine doesn't exist if bought at the price of him wanting something/someone else but being stuck with me because he can't escape the bond between us. My truest most luminous happiness only exists where he wants us to be together in this life for his life path just as intensely as I want it for my life path. And if that's not his choice, well, there's more happiness for me in making me let him go to seek whatever he DOES want for his life path than in trying to hold him tight make him mine despite what he chooses.... I'd rather do what I must to give up the love and comfort of our bond if I come to believe that's what he wants than to keep it for my own selfish reasons.  I don't like losing what feels most like home and where my soul turns for love/comfort..... but better to lose it than to make him be tied to it if it isn't something he wants or values. 

So just know. It isn't and has never been that I don't WANT Eric with every fibre of my being and want to choose him and have him choose me and to build a future together on a shared life path for as long as we can. I just have no faith and hardly any hope that that's something he also wants or might ever want. And it's that lack of faith coupled with insufficient knowledge of what he DOES want that leads me to try to give him up or in any way stifle the connection between our souls. If I knew he wanted it and it mattered and he is seeking me as I seek him, then nothing in the world could deter me from making it real. Finally. But I don't know that, and I don't believe it, and I don't have any faith inside me that when I say "I don't know what he wants for himself" that what I most want to be truth IS truth.... 

Questioning everything is a two edged sword. Especially when you lack anything tangible to back up your hypotheses to answer the questions....

And I don't know if it's easier or harder remembering our past selves and all the times we were able to find each other and choose each other -- and all the times we didn't. But it's just hard to want something so very much and to disbelieve (not even doubt, but disbelieve) that it wants you back. To have arrived at the conclusion that what you seek ISN'T seeking you so just let it go and try to find something else worth searching for..... 

And just. I dunno. I just. It's hard to want something so deeply and completely while at the same time truly believing that the best thing you can do for the happiness of what you want is to release it from you and you should look elsewhere. It's just really fucking hard to act so against everything you desire in your inmost while believing it to be the kindest best and most desired actions..... it's just really fucking hard to do. And it's really fucking hard to question, "what if you're wrong and creating as much heartache in him as you feel inside you over trying to give him up?" 

And. Sometimes I wonder..... Can you even give someone up if they're more stubborn than you and some part of them finds you to be their fixed star same as they are yours? Maybe it's just too much overthinking and assuming and all we both really needed all this time is the courage to be straight up honest, "this is what I want, this is what I choose." 

We don't do that, or at least we haven't so far. But maybe that's really all that's ever been needed to untangle all the mess of complicated and make the simple simple again.... and maybe me looking elsewhere, be it Keith or Andrea or some other guy, is just adding in more complicated rather than bringing it back down to the simple core truth..... 

I dunno. I didn't sleep last night (full moons make me restless too full of energy) and I'm not tired tired right now, but future me is supposed to drive to Milwaukee and back then get up early tomorrow for Farmer's Market with Amy in town for that.... so maybe I ought to try to sleep at least a little. Even if it does mess up my freshly washed curls after showering this morning by sleeping on them.  Future me deserves better than the overtired I will be if I don't at least try to nap a little. 

Honestly. You know what I want to do to help me sleep? To snuggle into the bond and to curl up in dream space with my polar bear and trust that as long as I'm there with him and we're together, then everything is right in our corner of the world. That's what I would like. That's what would help me sleep a restful sleep of the best possible dreams, and I know it would. So why does it feel like it's wrong and too much for me to ask for what I know I want? Am I just a damn fool for overthinking what is quite a simple conclusion if I'd only stop listening to false premises as if they were true? 

I dunno. But. I miss my bear and falling asleep snuggling into the love flowing both ways down the bond and then being with him in vision dream space. I just miss him and I miss embracing the strength of love in the bond. And I just want to be able to wrap my arms round him and pull tighter the bond making it stronger than ever and claim it and own it and make it ours for keeps.  Is that too much to ask?