I was very sick these last recent days while I've been silent and it made me feel extra sad over my dog's death and just generally emo down on myself and questioning about that "how are we here now?" I asked the bear in the dream and trying to square the circle of the dissonance between the 5d dream space versus the 3d reality he's been choosing for his life over the last year and questioning the ethics of me even listening to his songs if just one song cracking through reaching me is going to let him right in past my defenses built of my ethics on the question of it's right to allow the exchange of love flow via the bond between us while he's dating another woman. I was a bit of a hot mess pulling away retreating into myself to heal the last several days and if that's what you got down the bond, I mean it was true. You weren't imagining that. 

I was very physically sick, especially on Thursday but also sick Saturday and merely convalescent and very pale on Friday. I was throwing up everything on Thursday morning (unclear if it was pork contamination from the leftover pizza I ate Wednesday night for dinner felt sick immediately afterward or food poisoning from said leftover pizza or noro virus which is going around or how my body manifests covid infection even though I have no other symptoms keep testing negative, there were 4 cases announced at my grandma's AFTER I took her to her appointment and my grandma is very bad at wearing a mask. And I suppose most modern mystics would say it could be ascension sickness.)  I was able to hold down tummy friendly herbal teas like ginger and peppermint teas by the evening and by Friday morning I ate some cornbread muffins and was fine. I also ate some more bread and cheese curds and let me have some caffeinated tea and took some pain meds for my barometric pressure migraine (those move around my head to always be pointing in the direction of the high pressure moving in) before I said "Fuck the tornado watch and severe storms, I'm taking this break in the storms and driving by myself to Milwaukee for the Bailen show." Which was completely stupid as I was pale and convalescent and nobody in their right mind would have said I should go if they had seen me without my mask covering most of my face, especially given the severe weather, but I'm stubborn and since my dog died I didn't have to drop her off at my parents beforehand so the only person to tell me it was a bad idea was my cat Spock sitting in front of my front door yowling at me I was an idiot and to stay the fuck home and swatting at me to try to keep me back until I just picked him up kissed the top of his head promised I'd come home right after the show then physically moved him away from the door so i could leave. But I was stubborn, and then got a migraine on the drive home driving back across the pressure gradient and so after i got home I just curled up in bed and my head wasn't better enough for me to head down to Chicago for the second Bailen show (which I hadn't pre purchased tickets to) before eventually heading in to work to get hours in and finish end month deposit. 

But anyway, yeah I've been sick and I've cried a lot these last several days for missing my Pisces pup and wishing she was here for me to hug and hold while I didn't feel well.  And my hair is still currently hella straight as I said happens whenever I'm physically and emotionally exhausted -- and actually this today is the curliest it's been since Wednesday...

Which tells you just how low my energy has been these last several days except while at the Bailen show (which was amazing! I'm very glad i went even if it was stupid of me!) While my energy was low and I was sick have I been overthinking the difference between the 5d and 3d? On Saturday night was I in the head space that I should stop listening to his songs and reading his stories behind them if a single song could just bypass my ethical defenses? Yes. Was my main logic fear based self-doubt "If you can't be strong enough to hold your own defenses via a song, you're better off not letting the temptation in rather than doing what you believe to be wrong" while I was overthinking? Yes. Did I write it out in a very confused hard to follow VERY lengthy and had a lot of tmi of spiritual aspects of things blunt wandering version on Sunday morning (in large part confusing and extra rambling because my unmedicated adhd hadn't had coffee since Wednesday)? Yes. Did I then say, "Fuck it, I'm going to read this novel [Patricia A. McKillip, Song For The Basilisk] and drink my coffee and let myself reflect longer before acting" Did post coffee me decide, "O lord I can't edit that and i can't share it as is -- dafuq was I thinking with that much honesty?!" Yes. I've decided that I need to observe and wait a bit before acting but that I also need to make sure that I read and listen and approach in a more guarded manner until I can find an answer to the "but how are we here right now?" I asked the polar bear in dream space and I understand how the 5d and the 3d currently relate.

For what it's worth, after I finished reading Song For The Basilisk, this tarot advice meme crossed my feed :

 

And I shrugged said, "Eh why not?" And this is what I got :

 

 Sassy cards gonna be sassy. No shit Sherlock, the healing I need is 10 of swords sheer exhaustion from the combination grieving process over the absence of my nearly 15 year old pup familiar I had since she was a 12 week old puppy and physical convalescence from being physically ill but pushing myself against severe weather to go to a concert by myself anyway and the path to my healing is the death/rebirth rest and reset cycle. Sassy ass cards.... I should have known better than to ask my deck such a basic bitch question....

Also for what it's worth, as long as I had them out, I decided to ask "What actions ought I to take as regards Eric?" and then a clarifying question, "What is it he wants from me at this time?" And this is the past/present/future answer it gave and then the answer to the clarifying question: 

Does that answer for me whether it's better for me to hold onto the bond or try to let him go and if I should be listening to him reaching out or if it's causing regress into old cycles? Nope, not really.It tells me that the past is full of exhausting strife and defending oneself from attack, the present is the structure of things as they have been falling apart to create the space for something new, and the future is heading forward sailing to the new shore where all the rational/logic is perfectly balanced pointing right to the heart -- and what he wants of me is the whole dang Universe arriving to the happy ending goal of everything and meaning of all of the cycle that brought you there.  It doesn't speak to repeating stuck in the same old cycles though, it speaks of the fight to find a new path, and the what does he want from me couldn't be any clearer. 

I did ask the deck before putting it away, "Is there anything else I need to know or should have asked you?" And it spat out at me singly first The Lovers, then the Two of Cups, then Adjustment (Justice, but in Thoth it's closer to Ma'at), then the Hanged Man which I shuffled them all back in after meditating on them. And then I shuffled it again asking the same question of what I needed to know/should have asked and it seemed to get exasperated with me as what flew out was The Empress with the Lovers with the Two of Cups all clustered stuck together flew right into my face smacked me on the nose. And then after that a cluster of love/union/fertility/creation all bundled together, nothing more would come out of the deck no matter how many times and ways I shuffled it asking if there was anything else I should know or should have asked.... Which I'm pretty sure was it being a sassy ass deck again given the obvious meanings of the Lovers, the Two of Cups about chosen soul bonds/union/love AND that Adjustment/Judgement is Libra karmic balance and Hanged Man represents Pisces "wait for it/knowledge through sacrifice" and then my deck literally smacking me in the face with that tried of Lovers, two of Cups, and Empress. Like, That is a fucking sassy ass tarot answer to "What do I need to know? What should I have asked you?" given my days of overthinking questioning if I should have let him reach me so easily when he broke through or if I should pull back be more guarded. I was taken aback when I got smacked in the face bopped on the nose and then when I flipped them over to look at them I quite literally laughed out loud at the dang cards being so sassy ass withme.

Yes I generally use the Thoth deck most of the time, it's what I grew up using. I know the nuances of it are significantly trickier, Rider-Waite-Smith is like Tarot 101 and Thoth is like PhD level tarot work. It's okay to look up the Thoth meanings and all the symbolism in the cards. I definitely sometimes do when the answer doesn't make sense and I need to learn more about the cards than what they speak to me from what I already know.  My Thoth deck is a vintage one, it was my Aunt Judi's from before I was born that she she had when she was in college at UW-Madison living at Lothlorien (a politically active inclusive vegetarian friendly Co-Op founded in the early 70s, it's actually where my Aunt Judi and Uncle Jomi met each other)  then she left them with my mum who never used them and I kept stealing them from her bookshelf when I was a young kid, until she caught me playing with them "reading" the cards to my My Little Ponies telling them what was coming and she told me I could just have them call them mine. Because I grew up using the Thoth deck organically and naturally, I find Rider-Wait super simplified and Christianized. I do have the Wild Wood Tarot (a druidic nature based Rider-Waite derivative that dechristianized the Rider-Waite into something I personally could find useful) that I love to read with when I want advice more Gaia based talking to the huntress/earth based wild Goddess archetypes less metaphysical archangelic spiritually nuanced. I also own the Dali Tarot which has so many deep layers of art and European history and his weird esoteric symbolism that I like to study them meditate with them on the themes Dali is exploring and how they relate to the archetypes rather than do a full reading with them. And at some point I need to pick up the Royo Dark Tarot because after seeing it used in a group chat card pull, it called to me as good for shadow work needs and said it was a good way for Morrigan and other chthonic crow/raven deities to speak to me  dealing with harsh truths in dark times, especially regarding the paths to rebirthing something better than what currently is. But I haven't picked up that 4th deck yet, in part because I'm not 100% certain it's what I need to fit the niche need I'm lacking in my current decks though it's closer than the ones I currently have. And on my phone I have a RWS digital Tarot deck that I use for randomized quick daily card pulls every morning as a review or to ask for other people when I'm not at home, but I don't connect to it really, I just think it's important to know the symbolism in RWS even if it feels like going back to basic kids picture books....

So anyway. That was my last couple days while I was so silent everywhere and me getting schooled by my Thoth tarot deck this afternoon for my overthinking and questioning and considering pulling back rather than observing for more data just because I don't understand the how/why.

And after getting literally bitch slapped by my Thoth tarot deck this afternoon, I did give the Friday email a read and give the newest song a first listen after I got to work. It's rough hewn, not finished, but there's something there that appeals to me, in the realization that it's the liminal and the pulled out more objective perspective that is where you find your answers and heart based decisions rather than in the rat race mode of the quotidian modern society. My da has always called it doing mode vs observation mode, the being in this moment active mode vs the intuitive observer mode. I tend to be in a rather constant state of flow observation mode as my natural state except when it's emergency triage go time. I often spend too much time out of the flow of time observation mode, trying to remember that time is always ticking away whether I'm measuring it or not is something I've spent all of this life as a Libra sun Pisces rising working on trying to be more in doing mode less in observation go with the flow nudging things for best possible outcomes while seeming not to do anything at all -- and after all these decades of this life as the daughter of a Capricorn and a Scorpio, I'm still only any good at decisive doing mode in the last minute or emergency need for action times.

Tomorrow evening, presuming their overnighted passport renewals arrived, I'll take my parents to the airport for their flight to Panama for their early Anniversary present to themselves. (Their anniversary is a Leo, but this was a really good deal and August is rainy season in Panama.) Which means that this coming week and most of next I'll be dog sitting Ms. Sophie B. Dogkins and splitting my time between the house I grew up in, work, and my own flat which is my current home. Mostly it means I'll be at work evenings until I head to to the house to overnight with the dog and read then drop her off at work to be with the coworkers all day while I spend the day at home with my cat and sleeping in my own bed -- at least for weekdays. Which will mean inverted sleep schedule, but that's alright. O, and Tuesday is the Skerryvore concert in Milwaukee (sever weather allowing depending on how this system over the Plains blows up and how fast/slow it moves for when it hits) and if we go but it's rainy/thunderstorms I'll have Sophie head home with Sarah that night and pick her up the next day. Sophie doesn't handle storms well so I'd feel bad leaving her alone at the house despite mum saying that's what I should do -- and if there's any tornado watch/warning, Sarah/Mikaela will make sure to get Sophie into the basement with them and their fur babies whereas if Sophie is alone she wouldn't go to the basement. Spock will hide under my bed which is the best that can be done for him when I'm not in town to grab him bring him to the underground garage... We'll see what the weather does to figure out the animal/concert/severe weather situation.

Also on Tuesday is the Spring Primary and living in Wisconsin, it's fucking important. Supreme Court is on this ballot, and it's literally the difference of a 4-3 super conservative cpac rubber stamping court or a 4-3 democratic leaning court to take up the cases of the governor's office bringing the lawsuit to repeal the 1849 abortion ban that went into effect following the downfall of Roe AND the suits regarding the gerrymandered state legislature redistricting maps and several other major issue cases moving forward through the state courts... Also, Kelly, the conservative running is an asshat whose only experience as a judge was when he was appointed by Scott Effing Walker when he was governor to fill teh death of a democratic judge for two years before Scott Walker was forced to allow the primary to elect our state supreme court and he was the deciding swing vote on all the union busting gerrymandered districts bullshit that got railroaded through the conservative gerrymandered legislature and signed by Scott Walker and then Kelly, Walker's appointee of a corporate lawyer who had never served on even a circuit court, presided over the lawsuits against those railroaded legislation.... It was a bullshit time to live in Wisconsin and took a lot digging heels in to swing things back to the battleground place it is now...  AND also on Tuesday there's a run off election in north Milwaukee for state legislature of a Republican retiring earlier this year that could be enough to give the assembly as well as the state house veto proof majority to push legislation through despite Governor Evers and for the MAGA CPAC crazies to try to impeach the governor, lieutenant governor, and other civil servants who they disagree with politically....I can't vote for that state assembly seat, but I do get a vote for the Supreme Court seat as well as some referendums and county assembly seats and also Tuesday night if I'm NOT at the Skerryvore gig, I will be drinking a lot of Irish whiskey/scotch while watching the knife edge returns coming in on this state primary. Such is life at election time in a major battle ground state....But also, this is a big fucking deal of a primary! (Yes my parents voted absentee knowing they would be absent for this pivotal primary for the future of this battleground bellwether state....)

If you want some dark humor, this is one of the very few political ads I've ever received in the mail that made me laugh really hard when it came in earlier this week.

 

Fucking savage tho, non? Dark humor, makes you laugh so you don't cry... But it did make me laugh.

P.S. Just as I hit post and saw the time stamp on it, today's Weekly Collective from Nicholas Ashbaugh I'm watching/listening to on youtube right now, he said, "Last thing here and this is the most important. The Universe can't help you if you don't know what you want." And that fucking smote me a slap across the third eye about all my overthinking from fear these recent days that I was compromising my ethics where I shouldn't by letting him in so easily and choosing what I want.