Uffda. Ain't nothing like the moon moving into Cancer to hit my heart with a massive tsunami of tears and to make me  feel all the grief to drown in like it's fresh and new and I've not spent any time at all or made any progress in learning not to drown in it.... All water moons always get me deep in my feels (whatever my feelings are, when the moon is in a water sign I feel them extra deeply but there are subtleties as to which are amplifies the most; Cancer moons make me feel all the grief and loss, Scorpio moons make me feel the stinging pain of unhealed hurts (which is why Scorpio moons is when I'm most likely to pull away distance myself from Eric down the bond, because I feel the unhealed hurts of all the choices made in the band's name toward me since 2018), and Pisces moons make me feel the deepest wells of love and compassion and forgiveness.)  The last year of me grappling with running into all the "last times" with Audrey Pupburn, but especially the last 6 months as her end crept closer and the "last times" got more everyday mundane of our life together across nearly 15 years, every time the moon is in Cancer I just feel such deep grief and I spend so much time crying until the moon moves into Leo and my heart breaks over what is lost and I cannot have back again.... And then if I have to be around people but my grief is feeling a bit raw, I get pretty snappish defensive at being needled (even if it's meant to be teasing, it's not funny) so as not to start crying in front of them when the grief hits me hard.

The funny thing is, most people are sensitive to phases of the moon affecting their mood -- but I've always been highly sensitive to what SIGN the moon is in and how it affects the seas of my emotions... Fire moons make me reactionary active doing mode impulse to start new things, earth moons make me really good at getting things done checking them off the lists of adulting and homebody chores, air moons make me highly energize and sociable, water moons make me feel all the things down to the deepest core of my being.... There are some subtleties between the different iterations of fire/earth/air/water signs, but that's mostly how they hit me. But if you want to bypass my overthinking and reach my heart most directly, reach out to me during water moons and earth moons -- and water moons are better if you want me to feel it all intensely whereas earth moons are best for nurturing seeds of slow growth from the heart. If you want me to really think about things from the head and logical space and want quick responsiveness from me, fire moons and air moons are the time to reach out. 

But yeah, water moons hit me deep to drown in whatever emotions I'm in. So my grief of missing my sweet emo Pisces pup drowns me to crying anew over it every time theses last months when the moon goes into water signs. Especially Cancer.  I mean, usually when you see me out about these recent months, even when I look more emo than you would have seen me in any many years, I'm doing the best I'm doing with moving forward through the absences where her presence was. I expect I'll be clsoer to my non-grief me while at my sister's because my Audrey Pupburn's presence was never a part of my life while visiting there, y'know?  The hardest times for me are every time I'm going out or in my own front door (and also sometimes coming and going at work) when she's not there for me to get puppy kisses while I wipe her feet and clip/unclip her halter/leash from around her. Also whenever I'm trying to sleep but there's the silence where my dog's breathing presence should be so I'm having the damnedest time sleeping until I reach a point of sheer exhaustion and again it hurts deeply when I first wake up and go from her soul walking dream space with  me when the Morrigan brings her to visit me in my sleep but then I awaken and she's just gone again. (I don't like drawing her soul to mine while I'm waking to feel her presence because I don't want her to get stuck by my grief missing her, excess grief in the living can cause a dead soul to get stuck forget their way back to the light and to cycle into their next life or to move on their spirit guide roles. Even if she keeps telling me she intends to hang around until I get married have children for her to be reborn or when I'm looking for a puppy to raise from puppyhood and she can know she will be with me again without too many trials between reunions. But she's got her heart set on being my son as I promised her she could be if I can find my way to a path where I am happily married ready to bear children. Which, that future is still possible, those fatelines are still out there shining brightly with promises, even if I can't see from here a way to get to there.

This transit from moon in Gemini to moon in Cancer has been no exception of going from giddy Tigger energy happy on Sunday/early Monday to suddenly when the moon moved into Cancer Monday afternoon starting to feel like I'm drowning in grief over the absence of my sweet Pisces pup. I'm looking forward to the moon moving into Leo in the wee hours of Weds into Thurs.....  To deal with it, I stayed to work until sunrise last night to help me get hours in then slept across the daylight hours and plan to stay at work til sunrise again tonight. I may work late on Weds into Thurs morning to get hours in but I think it's only like 8 or 9 hours left to get in for the week since I'm planning to stay til sunrises again tonight -- even with me needing to take my grandma to an afternoon doctor's appointment on Thursday and now planing to go to the Delta Rae show at High Noon Saloon. 

And thinking of which... Thunderbird accepted my original plan and promised to let me leave him marking the venue while I lured the entity out to some neutral grounds to face it. (A shit stupid reckless plan to do while incarnating in a mortal body as it required channeling a lot more energy through me than most bodies can take, but the sort of thing you should expect of me while I'm in the hollows of grieving and have the "eh why not sacrifice this body if need be to do the right thing?") Anyway, Thunderbird didn't LIKE the plan and thought it shit stupid but accepted it as best we could do without knowing where the lair is to mark it leave it for hawk god/thunderbird to handle. But then after I dug down to find the memory of when I first encountered the energy signature of the entity, I discovered I DO know where it lairs, at least I know it well enough to circle and make it for an ally to cleanse and send it back where it belongs rather than risk so much spiritual source energy channeled through me to damage a physical body. And so after I realized I DO know where the lair/place it's tied to is, Thunderbird decided, "You are canceling your stupid plan and we're going back to the way we do things since you changed all the rules and just to be certain you do this in a way I approve, Minneapolis WILL be flooded to hold the entity in place so you can't lure it out disobey me and it will be constantly raining from Thursday through Sunday across the time you're here. So find the location, circle and mark it, don't engage, and let me deal with this." Which, given the protectiveness of both hawk God and Thunderbird doesn't surprise me at all, they both call me reckless and stupid and don't quite trust the crow/raven deities to watch over me because chthonic deities have a different relationship with the living/dead boundaries of the soul than their protectiveness approves. 

So okay, I'm still planning to use the moon in Leo energy to burn out those cords/hooks and try to burn all the way back and down through the entity burn out EVERY damn cord/hook it has into EVERY incarnating soul because fuck that manipulative spirit bully bullshit and after I burn all those cords out, I intend to cap them from the entity's side so it can't reconnect them and then let the Thunderbird rain and flood Minneapolis to hold it where it is until I can encircle it and make its lair and hand it over to the Hawk god for justice and try to keep myself from getting involved in an energy channeled battle. I can't unbury all the buried memory rewriting it does though with those whose path it crosses and with everything dealing with it and its actions... It was a damn hard job uncovering it within myself that I had found the lair in Minne between the varsity and our hotel is what started it trying to hunt me down all the way to Iowa tracking me.... Even after I remembered, Crissy kept trying to slide away to other memories until I pinned it and projected to her the time I meant. As I understand how it works, those memories are THERE in any person who the entity encountered/used/fed on but they're buried and hard to get to but if you delve inside yourself you can and will find those memories if you want to reclaim them. Depends on if you have healing or responsibility taking or cleanup from anything related to this entity that would be best served b remembering.

But I've altered my plan from the questionable one to listening to Thunderbird (who is just going to inundate Minne flood it to make it safe for me to be there on Saturday not allow me to lure it out because it won't cross running water.) I mean, Thunderbird isn't really giving me any damn choice about changing battle tactics to a more sensible, less sacrificial one. But also this is a better plan, significantly less reckless and stupid, and when I looked at the forecast and saw what Thunderbird was planning I just laughed and said thank you, this is a better plan than my reckless one.

I will be the first to admit that sometimes I come up with a reckless impulsive self-sacrificing way to deal with things and the archangels and the gods/goddesses and fae who watch over me go, "Um what the what?! No. No no no no. Did deciding to incarnate make you stupid or something?! You are living in a mortal body while you are in the incarnation, you do actually need to think about what a mortal body can and can't survive. By all the stars that shine, that plan of yours is the damn stupidest thing we've heard from you recently. That is NOT what you're going to do, not on our watch. What if you just don't. Here, I have a better idea for you. Maybe try this instead and keep your idea for backup plan, yes?" Not just in this life, in past lives too. And like, Thunderbird is correct -- any plan where you make your mortal body the bait to lure out the enemy is a plan where a damn lot of things can go wrong beyond your control and you should try to find something that's tactically a bit more certain. 

I didn't say it was my BEST battle tactics ever....just that I had one... It was just the best plan I could think of for finally dealing with this entity when I didn't realize I knew the location of the place it lairs and is tied to..... And like, when I encountered the place it lairs. that was before the gods and I setup our current understanding for how to handle entities like this when I find them, to mark and encircle and summon a deity to deal with it rather than risking the amount of energy coursing through a mortal body that connecting up to source and me channeling all that energy would entail.... 

I deserved to have Thunderbird shut down my original plan by flooding Minneapolis with rain from Thursday through all of Sunday to keep the entity's anchor point stuck within flowing water.....

O. And. 

I really loved Song 9 Let Down. I'm not certain that I fully understand what it's about letting go of trying to accept, but I love the song and it's probably my favorite so far of the 100 Songs project. I'm glad he shared it even if it was written from a hard heavy heart place needing catharsis.... It makes me want to give him a big hug though. I think it's beautiful, but it does make me want to give him a big hug -- and I might be biased in liking this one because as a recovering ballerina I'm always a sucker for a slow waltz.  It's at least tied with Come Back Home as my two favorites and the two songs that resonated most deeply with me of the songs/stories he has shared in this project of 100 songs. 

And what he said in the story about the difficulty of acceptance and letting go, I get that. All of it resonated with how I handle those moments in existing.  Especially right at the end. I also have to put my emotions into words to make them stop being such stormy seas and freeze them into a snapshot form to see the shape of them and all the faceted angles of them. I actually only write poetry when I'm feeling things heavily trying to get the feelings into word form. Dreams, grief, death, breakups, identity across lifetimes -- I write poetry to make the form of all those things and to hold onto them. I rarely write poetry when my heart is dancing with joy overflowing happiness -- it's only when my emotions go deep in me that I need to put them into a word form to look at. I also tend not to write here or journal about all the beautiful wonderful things, only about the things I'm grappling with trying to come to terms with -- the bright emotions stay inside my emotional seas but the deep and heavy and difficult ones need to be grappled into a word form for me to look at them. 

Also, in the course of writing this, my third eye and crown chakra both just got super wide open full of love and light pouring down through me and i don't know why. But it's cozy and it's nice and something deep to feel that isn't grieving over the absences of my sweet pupper who died on Jan 21. Thank you for that flood of love and light into me. I'm not certain why I'm receiving it right now, but I'm so very grateful for it! And Cancer moon still -- I feel all the love light in it as deeply as it's possible to feel it.