Why was I hit so hard by the news of Audrey's platelet count being that low? (It blindsided me HOW low they were and HOW great the risk of internal bleeding hemorrhaging without warning.) Don't I precog deaths or near deaths of those I love? (Yes I do.) So shouldn't I have had some peace that it wasn't yet Audrey's time? (Well yes and no. That's where it gets complicated.)

See, part of what hit me so hard was guilt. Just sheer raw guilt. Because you see, I had some CONTINGENT precogs that if I didn't resolve the niggling intermittent bleeding issues with Audrey, she WOULD hemorrhage and die BUT if I acted in time she could live and live for a long while yet. Which is why after the nosebleed randomly at her grooming session, I brought that up to her vet at her annual appointment and we discussed what I should watch for IF there was an underlying platelet issue so I was being hyper vigilant. So I was ALREADY planning to take Audrey in the day she tore her CCL jumping off the bed unassisted due to some unexpected bruising I found on her upon my return from Kentucky and I had INTENDED to take Audrey in immediately on Monday that week due to the increasing frequency of the contingent precogs I had from the moment I got back from Kentucky but then I had a migraine on Modnay. And then that morning Audrey launched herself off the bed while I was in the bathroom and so I had two reasons to take her in. And even that day the CCL injury was obvious but her behavior and her pinkness of gums and lack of blood where it shouldn't be made Erin say that she didn't SEEM to have a low platelet count but that we could quickly run a tick panel so I'd know within 5mins if she had a tick borne illness causing the issues and then would be running a CBC anyway to check for liver and kidney functionality before Erin will prescribe rimadyl for pain and she would make sure to give extra care and attention to platelets and rbc just as an excess of caution. So in a way, Audrey took the blood panel issue out of my hands by the way she tore her CCL and her doing that meant they got us in asap withing 2hrs of me calling to schedule an appointment. So the platelet issue would have been found on this same timeline due to my dog launching herself off the bed to tear her CCL that morning. And it was immediately that the CBC panel came back that we started Audrey on doxy in case the tick borne illness was a false negative or there was another underlying infection destroying platelets AND scheduled the CBC panel for the next week to see if she was stabilizing or improving or getting worse. It was literally the fastest possible turn around to verify that she had a blood issue going on and to verify that there was nothing easier to fix the matter and getting her on prednisone to start fighting an autoimmune issue. 

But still. I'd HAD the contingent precogs and so I knew I only had a certain window to change her fateline or lose her earlier than expected.... 

And then the other part of what hit me so hard was the numbers and my science/pre-med brain knowing EXACTLY how bad that is and how low the chances of my dog's survival unless those platelet numbers could be stabilized and start increasing.And like, analytical science math brain overthinking is its own form of realism smack. And the numbers were really bad. Her odds were NOT good with only 14k platelet count the day BEFORE we started her onto the prednisone.... The chances statistically of her randomly internal bleeding and hemorrhaging and even an emergency vet visit not being enough to save her was not in our favor on Friday morning.... And I blamed myself. because if I had taken her in even one day sooner to start the process, her platelets would have been low but maybe still have been above 20k at the time we started her on prednisone. And so if she had an internal bleed and died, it would be my fault, my guilt, for not acting even sooner on my contingent precogs. I blamed me for the possibility that she could die that weekend due to her platelets getting so low.... Look, would any pet owner (even a vet) have taken a dog in with the vague symptoms I had and how good Audrey's energy seemed? No. Does ITF kill dogs silenlty in their sleep more often than it's caught in time for prednisone prescription to stop the autoimmune disorder? yeah. Erin even said the tests were an excess of caution because we couldn't be certain without them and I agreed to them. AND YET, I blamed myself for not doing it a day sooner, not doing it beforeI left town, not listening to my gifts and my KNOWING and my contingent precogs.... I blamed me for the risk my dog was running with her platelet that low.... 

And that's why it hit me so hard. Not because I had seen any fatelines across the weekend or coming week where she died and I was sorrowing... But because maybe I'd missed my window of opportunity to change the fatelines and save her and I just wasn't seeing a settled immutable precog yet because it hadn't echoed back yet.... That it might have been my inaction that caused her death when I KNEW better and had seen what would happen if I didn't change the fatelines. It was the statistical likelihood of it and the fact I had KNOWN and could have acted sooner that kicked me so hard into premature grief instead of hope upon getting that call. It wasn't because I'd seen her dying or even possibly dying since the weekend before she tore her CCL and we went in and started this moving..... 

I hadn't had any precogs since the weekend before she tore her CCL, and those were only ever contingent precogs that I could change the fateline still b my own actions.... and yet the potential of it being my fault due to waiting too long to acr if she DID hemorrhage over the weekend hurt me so bad......

But as the weekend progressed and she got more and more prednisone doses in her system and everything about her energy and life force improved, I got so happy.... This was us after getting soaked on her longest walk in over a week, which we took in the pouring rain. I was literally glowing from the joy in the rain and KNOWING she'd crossed into safe territory. (Even though I can't science brain know until after her next CBC on Weds.)

And then later that night after I'd changed into dry clothes, this was me in my pyjama shirt drinking wine and cooking up some salmon for us.

Yes, my curls are ALWAYS happiest and prettiest after getting soaked in the rain or snow and then air drying, lol. Also my skin gets SO impossibly soft after I get soaked in rain water or snow. Also that wine was surprisingly better than expected especially for the price point. (California wines aren't my favorite; I'm very much a French wine or Greek wine gal most of the time. There are wines from other places I'll enjoy, but they're never as good as French or Greek wines.) And I'm absolutely here for the aesthetic with Lapis Luna wines. I intend to collect the bottles and figure out some sort of zodiac of their artwork.

And even today I'm still feeling happy and shiny, despite being short staffed even with my da came back into work (his fever broke Weds night and he hadn't had any symptoms) we were still down my mom and Ian and Pete (who all tested positive on Thursday night/Friday) and Glenn who tested positive on Friday evening/Saturday. (I came in just before lunch to have an extra person around and to help out and pick up food for everyone.) AND this evening Mikaela tested positive for covid so it's only a matter of time before her mom does, let's be honest. So literally everyone around me is getting caught by ba5 (or has symptoms but keeps testing negative.)  And yet my eyes and soul are sparkly because I can see that her leg is healing (to a point she's hardly limping at all) and I'm pretty certain that every day on prednisone Audrey is improving her platelet count:

And yes mask on at all times inside at work, even for selfies, except while actively drinking or eating because at work.  I still have no symptoms and keep testing negative (but testing every day out of excess of caution due to close proximity with known cases.) I also turned on the fans (with uv disinfection) all over the building and have kept the HEPA filter running on high. We'll see if I ever get sick and get any symptoms. ba5 is an immune evasive beast.  But also I've said since day one of covid pandemic that what I know about my immune system tells me that I am very likely to be asymptomatic if or when I ever get covid so I've been excessively cautious AS IF I had covid just in case. Because I know my immune system.  But so far, I have no symptoms (haven't even had a migraine since July 16/17) and always testing negative. And my dog is taking her pills. I don't try to hide them now after our talk, I tell her which pill it is, put it in a treat and then let her sniff it and she just eats them knowing it's there and that it's helping her get better.

Heading home as soon as I finish this cuppa ginger turmeric tea and most recent John Oliver. Also will give Audrey her next round of gabapentin & doxy & prednisone before heading home since the timer on my phone says she should get it before this episode ends.

 Just got inside from taking the dog out again. Sitting with the candles lit, a glass of red zinfandel and a cuppa Black Dragon tea, listening to the rain falling and about to go back to re-reading Tolkien's Unfinished Tales 

Well. Audrey made it through the night and the day without hemorrhaging, which was a definite concern when I talked to Erin about current platelet countz. (Anything lower than 20-30k platelets this becomes a risk.) And the Prednisone side effects (panting, increased thirst, increased hunger) have kicked in so hopefully the main things it does have as well. 

I also had a talk with my dog last night about her pills and she's taking them better now but prefers no pill pockets, just included with a hard crunch treat she like such as dried lamb lung or different type of jerky. She says the flavor and smell of pill pockets reminds her of when it's been a fight and I've gotten upset with her had to force them down the back of her throat, raise her head, and gently stroke her throat til she swallows.  The cat still loves the pill pockets so he's getting those.  Because Audrey at least takes her pills with other things and if not I know how to make her swallow them. But trying to pill a cat who makes it a battle?!?! Horrifically not fun. So if he thinks milk bone pill pockets are all the time potential treats, good!!! 

It probably also helps that the most Audrey's getting at the same time right now are 2 pills (the gabapentin and doxycycline.) I have named timers in my phone to keep my dogs pills straight and on schedule as much as possible (except while I sleep.) I guess I'm that person now, lol. But it does make it easier for me (and thus for her.)

Also. Not only did we walk the several blocks to the vet office sand back (half of it in the pouring rain) before dinnertime. But just now the little stubbornly stoic beastie decided to show me she. Could go down the stairs by herself just fine by starting the sneak down as I was locking my door. (Neighbor had propped open the fire door again.) She was so fucking proud of herself, stared at my finger told me if I wasn't going to use my splint and insist on stretching the ligaments before the swelling is gone enough to wear my ring, she can decided when she's ready to go down the stairs on her own without being carried. And then when we got inside she put her legs up on the first stair and looked at me (I've been lifting her up from that position as it's easier on her to support her without hurting her leg than when she's all 4 feet on the ground.) I said and said, "Fine. Just this once tonight. Since you insist you want to try, you can try it this one time. Then back to carrying you for 4-5 weeks recommended. And only on just the one flight of stairs.  I'll be right behind you. But if you have any difficulty or your right leg starts looking wonky, I'll be picking you up and carrying you." And damnit the stubborn little darling made it all no problem....

But that wasn't my reason for writing here.  I just wanted to say, whatever the thing with Odin. It doesn't matter to me in the sense of it would stop me from choosing Eric or being with Eric if opportunity allowed. I just brought it up because Odin is untrustworthy and I don't know what his interest is in Eric or why he wanted so much to get me to give up the bond forever while it was dormant.... Odin is persistent and crafty and I don't trust him even when I know what he wants -- I trust him even less when I don't know what he's after or why. You shouldn't trust him either. And it won't stop me from loving Eric and wanting him and choosing him if I can - it just gives me anxiety for Eric's sake over what Odin wants and why Odin thinks he has a claim on Eric. Because like hell Odin will take from me anyone or anything I have any damn right to call mine. But still I don't understand the why of Odin's interest in the matter. And I'd feel more chill about it if I knew why Odin thinks he has a claim on Eric if/when the bond with me is ever removed or if I knew that claim to be cancelled and nonexistent. It's not going to stop me from wanting Eric and choosing Eric at the first dang opportunity I have, but it's going to worry me until either I understand it or it's dealt with. Because Odin can NOT be trusted. 

Ooh thunder rolling in again now!!!! Candles and soft steady rain and thunder of a summer storm and red zinfandel wine and black tea and a good book and my dog is markedly improving... Happy sigh* as an introvert, this is such a wonderful delightful conflux of things to start Leo season! 

I'm going to read some more now. Probably not headed to bed til after 3am (Audrey's gabapentin and doxycycline are at 2pm, her next sucralfate slurry is at like 3am. And anyone, the storms won't end til nearly 4am.) Have a wonderful rest of you Saturday. 😘 Sweet dreams and may you find the courage to bring the best of them into your reality. A bientôt !

P. S. 2:02am addendum

Thunderstorm came in right after I posted this. And one lightning/thunder so near and so loud it got Audrey's hackles up started her barking AND made the magnets fall off the fridge.  Just around 2am lights started flickering and for a few minutes right at 2am all the power went out. (Luckily I had just finished steeping my tea and had candles still lit. Will we lose power again? More extensively then one rolling brown out? Je ne sais pas. On verra.....

(Also I somehow accidentally reverted this to draft last night immediately after posting it and only realized put it back up today. Whoops.)

 I've let everyone know who I ought to tell about Audrey and the very real possibility that she could hemorrhage or internal bleed over the weekend if the prednisone doesn't suppress her immune system and allow her platelet count to start trending back upward. 

I told Mikaela first, and I did that early afternoon (because she wouldn't have forgiven me if she didn't get to say goodbye and didn't even know how significantly low Audrey's current platelet count is...) And I took pictures of Audrey as I gave her Mikaela's messages about how much she loves Audrey and that Audrey needs to get better.  Here's the progression of me giving her Mikaela's messages: 

(The yoga mat is currently on the bamboo to help Audrey getting up when her CCL tear was new so standing was hard for her. Now she just loves it.)

Mikaela also insisted on talking to Audrey on the phone this evening while Sarah was with Audrey while I ran to CVS quick for the otc prilosec for the dog (to help reduce chance of ulcers from not having 5-7 days break time between rimadyl and prednisone.) 

Yes Audrey recognizes voices she knows on the phone. And you would be astonished how many words she understands...

And I told Sarah (who immediately first words out of her mouth when she saw me was to ask how Audrey's blood work had come back) and almost immediately my parents who called about 5-10mins later to have me look at the csa site for what I want next week. (Karissa and Silas and Glenn also heard since they were in admin right as Sarah and I were talking. But I mean, they've all known Audrey for a decade or longer.) I also told Crissy this evening. And my sister was the first one to directly ask me, "Health problems with pets are really hard and traumatic whenever they happen -- how are you handling it?" which I appreciated. So she's also the only one who got the numbers and the admission that "this morning was rough when I got the news of how low her platelets currently are and how near to quality of life or euthanasia this weekend could be if the prednisone doesn't start helping fast."  (My sister is a Virgo stellium (sun, Venus, Mars) and so very detail oriented meticulous but ti's because she cares about not wanting people she cares about to hurt, but also has a Libra Mercury and both her moon and ascendant are Pisces. So she seems tougher and more strict rule driven than most people, but she feels everything intensely and deeply and takes things personally. And she and I actually have very similar communication and interaction styles because we both have Libra Mercury and Pisces rising. So as different as we are in so many ways, we communicate from both head and heart in very much the same ways.) Also. My sister know that if you ask me directly you'll get an honest answer (whether you like it or not is a different thing than the truth value of it) but if you don't ask then you'll only get whatever I choose to share -- which in matters of my own grief, pain, and sorrow is going to be the brave front optimism. If you want my honesty about my hurt or worries to help carry it, you generally must ask me directly.

Facebook (and thus other people who know and care about Audrey) doesn't yet know. But the most important people who care deepest about Audrey (and me) at a personal level or who see Audrey most frequently do know. And I'm continuing to do everything I can to do best by her to improve her health chances and favorable statistics. Just a lot going on and it's why my lack of symptoms and negative at home covid tests are why I haven't gone in for pcr yet even though so many people at work (and Mikaela) who were all maskless at the wedding and around work until Weds have chosen to pcr test.

Anyway. I'm going to go home now and heat up some chicken bone broth with carrots and cabbage in it for my dinner and Audrey. (Spock will get some too, it won't hurt him. But Audrey is the one who very much needs bone broth.)  Bone broth, cruciferous veggies, and carrots are all super high on the list of foods that will help dogs replenish platelets faster. As are eggs (which she's been getting her own portion every morning when I make my own because it's something I know she'll eat all of it and have a full tummy before I have her take her doxy) and salmon. And I'd been mentally considering if I wanted to cook salmon tomorrow night for dinner with the thunderstorms to take care of my plants watering and me not needing to get more hours in tomorrow.  And yes, that is indicative that I DID spend the time between talking to Erin and getting myself in a calm enough state to go pick up Audrey's meds and score lots of beef liver treats for Miss Audrey while at the vet office (chicken and beef liver are also very good for supporting platelet production) by forcing myself into logic knowledge acquisition brain researching the meds, med interactions, hard numbers reality level setting about ITF, and what I can do from a dietary perspective to assist her body in replacing the platelets that have been so depleted. It's the best thing I know for me to stop my heart hurting so deeply over could bes that are statistically likely but aren't yet written in the sands of fate yet -- to feed my head with knowledge instead of my heart with worst case scenarios overthinking. So that's what I typically do when I need to wrangle in my emotions in order to interact with people. (And I did have to do it as swiftly as possible today -- the sooner Audrey began her prednisone, the sooner we would be stopping her immune system destroying platelets and give her platelet counts a chance at improving rather than worsening. So I had timelines to manage to get her on the best possible paths toward recuperation instead of potential hemorrhaging over the weekend.)

P. S. Pupdate: 

The bone broth was an absolute hit with Miss Audrey Pupburn!!!! 

She'll get some more bone broth tomorrow. Going to make sure this sits well with her. But she's just been radiating her focused desire and joy since I opened the bone broth and put it on the heat. 

And it just makes me so very happy to see have done something to help her platelet numbers recover and to see her so incredibly happy about it!!

 I'm okay now. Or at least more okay. As okay as I'm going to be for the next while. Which is the best I got.

Went with Audrey to the vet (Audrey loves to go there for the treats and the people and to sniff the columns outside) to get her Prednisone and sucralfate (which she has to take every 8hrs as a slurry from a syringe. We'll see how that goes. 🙄 I also have to stop by a pharmacy to get some Prilosec for her, which should be taken once daily but not within 30-40mins of the sucralfate.... So many pills and Audrey is currently at a point of rejecting all pill pockets types. Ever since adding the doxy in the mix.

In other news, my Uncle Jomi in Germany (who was recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer) is under the knife today to have his pancreas and spleen and something else my mom couldn't remember removed. Also my mom as well as Pete and Ian at work now have COVID. (My mom and Pete with symptoms, Ian positive test but minimal symptoms.) So now everyone in admin is getting PCR test today (Mikaela as well because she was in unmasked multiple days this week.) Crissy has been testing negative but has been feeling sick all week so been staying home. I haven't tested positive and I have no symptoms (not even migraine symptoms of any kind since Sat/Sun.) But I will at least rapid test me if not PCR. 

So I haven't yet told anyone else about Audrey's health news from today because everyone who should be told is sick or wrapped up in fears of getting sick. It can wait until next week when her next CBC blood test is to see if her platelets count improves with the Prednisone.  So mostly I'm just carrying this news and the possibility that Audrey may be on her last couple weeks of life on my own. I'll tell people. Just nobody has asked yet and instead they're all texting me about their own COVID symptoms and/or tests so I don't need to worry then with news about my dog..... Not yet.... I'll do my best to make certain people get to say goodbyes if her platelet count gets worse and that's where we're at. On verra. I wish though that I wasn't having to fight her to get her meds down her now that the doxy has made her stop taking the pill pockets of any sort.  I hate that she's miserable and might be end of life quite suddenly due to the platelet counts and I'm spending time forcing her to swallow pills as a battle rather than just loving up on her....  

I should go make me some food. Audrey won't eat unless/until I eat. She's always been that way since she was a ouppy. Even with a full bowl of food sitting out, she has to see me eat or prepping myself food before she'll touch hers. And her next round of meds (except the sucralfate and Prednisone which I'll give her now -- I'm going to be giving her the Prednisone which increases hunger at a different time from the doxy and gabapentin, just to not tox out her system) will be in a couple hours. And the doxy requires she have a full tummy or it can cause nausea and decreased appetite.

P. S. The sucralfate slurry and the Prednisone she took easily, no battle. She didn't like the experience of slurry by syringe but she took it easily once she realized. She's also generally good about the gabapentin. The doxy pills are the ones that are a major battle tbh. I'll be quite glad when that course of antibiotics is done next week.... 

And. I am very hopeful that the Prednisone will help with her platelet numbers. It's just that with her numbers 1/10 the low end of normal and the fact we're nearing the point she could easily bleed out if they get any lower, it's actively a hard thing for me right now unless/until her numbers go up on her platelets.... Thankfully it's not Irishfest season and I'm around for her, both emotionally and for the meds so she's not relying on my parents who are both sick or Sarah to do it while she's needing more frequent care. 

P. P. S. I've told Mikaela (who has gi upset and sore throat and was around my da and the other people at MCW while contagious so she hasn't tested positive yet for COVID but it's a real concern.)  I haven't told anyone else, but I told Mikaela because she takes losses hard and I want to give her as much info and warning as possible with the promise that barring a sudden emergency decision she will get to say goodbye.  Mikaela still hasn't forgiven her dad for not letting her say goodbye to their dog when he died when she was five and she doesn't really remember a time without knowing Audrey, so yeah. I needed to let her know even more than anyone else needed to be told.  The good news is that when the doxy started depressing her appetite, I started making her eggs for herself not just for me and eggs are important for platelet production. Also all the cruciferous veggies she loves. And apparently chicken bone broth (home made or no sodium) is one of the best ways to help get platelet counts up. Also salmon and liver/kidney 

 *Sigh* Just talked to Erin. Audrey's platelet numbers are now even worse. The low end of normal is 140k, last week Audrey was at 38k, this week she's at 14k. She has sticky pellets that clump more making it hard to count, but she is quite severely low atm.  So we're entering the realm of even a fall could be a risk or if she started spontaneously bleeding or bruising over the weekend then she needs to go to emergency vet for a transfuaion right away over the weekend or she could die..... 

It's most likely autoimmune attacking itself. Today she will be starting prednisone (and no more rimadyl at all as rimadyl concurrent with prednisone can cause stomach ulcers -- still on gabapentin for pain from her lef) and we'll hope the steroid works to stop the immune system attacking itself. Because if next week's CBC numbers don't improve the platelet counts while on prednisone (and it does for some dogs but not all) then the options are stronger immunosuppressant such as chemo drugs or end of life farewells and/or the possibility of spontaneous bleeding issues ... Not what I wanted to hear but here we are now. 

Erin was like, "I saw her in the office when she was getting her blood work yesterday and I never would have guessed from how happy bouncing all over the place she is that her platelets numbers could be so low. Even her leg looks so much better and she's able to walk on it so much better than most dogs even 1 month after an injury, let alone 1 week. I would never have guessed her platelets could be this low just observing her." 

I'm really not ready yet for this.... And I know there are people I need to tell in case the prednisone doesn't work so they can get prepared and say their goodbyes if need be.  But I'm really not ready to see anyone or talk about it just yet. I'll have to go pick up her prednisone and the meds to help protect her from developing ulcers soon, Erin said she'd have them get the script ready. But right now I'm just sitting here crying not yet ready to see anyone. 

Rationally I know she's already 14..... I should be ready for goodbyes at any point at this time.... But it still hurts and I'm not. And I'm just really sad that her platelets have gotten THIS low so quickly.... And the thing is, if it hadn't been for the abnormal bruising and blood in her stool and that one nose bleed, we wouldn't even know. Because she isn't acting like a dog whose platelet levels are as low as they are.....

Expect me not to really write here or talk much while I'm grappling with my hurt. I don't really want to talk about it or distract myself or pretend behind a false mask just now, I want to sit with it and work on accepting it in. I tend to handle grief and worry by turning inward being even more of a hermit and going a bit radio silent from most people.  It's not personal, I just won't really want to be around other people or chatty or wanting to be distracted. It's going to suck but I'm going to just want to feel it all until I go numb inside can't feel it anymore before I have to interact with other humans more than necessary. And I'll probably be feeling that way for a while, especially if the Prednisone doesn't help.... Because until I can put a smile over my hurting for when I'm around other people, I'd rather not be around other people. No point in making them upset by my own upset. y'know? As an empath, me knowing that my pain is upsetting another person just makes me feel more shitty. So I'd rather be alone. Until I can put a brave front on with other people. I'll be in to work by this evening, I have plants to water after all and Audrey will want to see everyone beg for treats. But I'll be pretty internal for a bit right now and that's just how it will be with me.

And I'm definitely not there yet today for interacting with other people.... I'm still just continuously crying since I got off the phone with Erin. Her prednisone is ready for pickup and I know I ought to go get it. But I can't yet stop crying to be around people. Not loud sobbing, just the continuous can't stop crying eyes are a faucet kind of crying. But I'm working on getting myself under control enough to at least go over to the vet. Because I do have to go get her meds. Because until I do, there's no hope for her improvement she's only going to get worse.... And right now there's still a small amount of hope. If the meds help to keep her body from attacking itself. Which can't be known until she starts taking the meds. Which means I have to get myself together enough to go get the meds 

The best laid plans of mice and men oft do go aglay... (Robert Burns)

 So my da did spike a fever last night and then tested positive for COVID today - so they won't run a tick borne disease panel until after he's better from covid. And he's been unmasked at work last 2 days, all last week, and at Nate's wedding on Sat. (I missed the wedding due to weather migraine, never precogged me there though so wasn't surprised. With me, sometimes the absence of a precog for things I plan to attend is as much an indicator as having a precog.) At work, Nate who has diabetes masks constantly, I mask with N95 or KN95 even when it's just me and my dog there late at night except while actively snacking or drinking tea (and I put the HEPA filter right by my desk on high, they keep it at low throughout the day because of noise on the phone calls, but I turn it all the way up for overnight or when it's just me) but everyone else is habitually unmasked except when directly interacting with customers. (Which isn't how airborne exposure risk works, but whatever.)

Obviously my parents are postponing their trip out to my sister's, especially with Elliott having just been born in June and no vaccines yet for her. Monroe is disappointed because she was excited to see them but Jack is happy to have extra time with Waffles. And that obviously means no Waffles introductions to Sophie and Audrey so Audrey has time to keep healing before a new young dog in her life potentially her home. Don't know when their trip will be now (my guess is after Milwaukee Irish fest since mom was not excited about having three dogs around, 2 of them food territorial and the 3rd old with an injury to need to be lifted and carried on all stairs) for three weekends in a row.) So I will not be house sitting or have Sophie around over the next week. 

Mikaela has been at work and she was at the wedding unmasked. So her exposure risk is quite high. Crissy still feels like she's been run over but no positive tests despite coworkers of hers who tested positive last Friday. I was around work on Monday night and Tuesday evening and night and while I was masked while inside my da who has COVID was not. Karissa was at the wedding Saturday, work all last week but not last two days because she was camping, and she does not mask except while with customers. 

I currently have no symptoms (I actually have personally never tested positive yet nor have I had COVID unless it was asymptomatic, and I haven't had any COVID like symptoms except when I have the intermittent migraine issues I've had since I hit puberty) and I feel perfectly fine except my swollen finger healing up will likely make me sleep more than usual. But with all the exposure risks of all 4 of us and my da being a known positive case, I already called to move our APT tickets for Hamlet from tonight and they thanked me profusely for doing the right thing and did an even exchange for the other remaining 4 pack date on Sept 3 matinée. So that's done and done proper right by me. And it wasn't really a hassle at all. She was very grateful I chose to call just in case out of abundance of caution and it was no problem to switch our dates. (Actors are unmasked obvs and they have a lot of elderly ticket holders.) So I'm glad I did that right away this morning when box office opened.

I still have my dental cleaning tomorrow. I called and they said that since I'm vaccinated with no symptoms or positive test to keep my cleaning tomorrow..which seems a bad policy call to me for having me 45mins unmasked aerosolizing mouth particles, but I understand the difficulties of rescheduling everyone. And I know that I'm the anomaly in always masking the way I do to protect others.....  But even without symptoms I still intend to test myself tomorrow before my cleaning. Out of an abundance of caution. Because I past life lived through plagues and I have enough scientific undergrad background in immunology and virology that I worry about me getting people sick but they really did not want to cancel or reschedule with it not being a case in my own home, me being vaccinate, and no symptoms.... 

So yeah. Exposures galore and my da is COVID positive and my best friend feels like shit was exposed at work last Friday and as much of my plans as possible have changed for the next week or so, lol. And I'll keep an eye on me be responsible as regards exposure of other 

Now I'm going to go make me some food. Haven't eaten yet today as I spent the morning since 9am texting and calling and rearranging plans. And I'm thinking I'll soak some red lentils to make a curry for tonight. because I have some summer squash and carrots to use up.

Ooh woo, I'm a rebel just for kicks, yeah Your love is an abyss for my heart to eclipse, now Might be over now, but I feel it still

 So I was just waiting for my dog to eat a little something (the doxy depresses her appetite for dog food, though I can always get her to eat treats and human food scraps.) I'm headed to bed now. And I'm very overtired because I've only slept 2 hours of the last 48.

But I just wanted to say. I know sometimes I cling to an idea I get into my head and then I'm impossibly contrary and stubborn and really fucking difficult. I know I do. And I'm sorry for the trouble I cause during those sometimes. 

But. I just wanted to state a part of my truth. And it's that the only times I sleep deeply and soundly and without waking up is when I can hear him waiting down the bond wondering where I am and then there to enfold me in his love until one or the other of us wakes up.  That's the only time and way I sleep peacefully, is when we reach for each other and hold each other at least within dream space. 

I'm headed to bed now. But. I just felt like I should own up to that truth of mine. That it's time I owned up to it.  Because even if or when I try to deny myself reaching him that way, still it's the only times when I sleep peacefully is when I sleep enfolded in his love feeling the bond grow closer more taut for the missing of each other.

Bonne nuit.

[Post Title: lyrics from the Portugal. The Man song Feel It Still ]

 For the record, I'm stubborn and a stoic and I take care of others who I love far better than I take care of myself -- but I'm not a complete masochist and I'm not an idiot. Just because I didn't go in for x rays on it even though I genuinely suspect I've chipped the knuckle doesn't mean I failed to ask a coworker who is a ski patrol EMT look it over make sure she agreed with my self diagnosis didn't think I should go immediately get an x ray or medical intervention and it doesn't mean I failed to stop by Walgreen's for a $7 splint to help keep me from displacing any fractured chips as it heals. And it will help protect it from other injuries from like smacking my hand against walls or desks or whatever. 

So yeah. I'm a stoic but not a masochist and I'm stubborn but not a complete idiot when I know what I ought to do to take minimal care of myself.

Yes, it's sill very swollen. But I can move it (though it's too swollen to close that knuckle all the way into a fist right now) and there's no obvious pain or grinding or popping or visibly/tactilely displaced fragments. Just swelling and the pain associated with that. (But I always swell up immediately following any fracture and it lasts for 3-5 days until the bone fuses enough that it doesn't need to be swollen to hold i tin place. I've been told this is actually a lucky and good natural response. Knowing that is why I removed the ring IMMEDIATELY after I smacked it against the freezer door.)  It feels really strange to wear my garnet and citrine ring on my left middle finger instead of left middle finger.It's nothing like what I want (I've known since I was 9 that I want an eternity band of channel set matched emeralds, something like princess cut, square shaped. Precogs be like that, lol.) My garnet and citrine ring from my mom is a little big for my ring finger but I don't always like the look/feel of it stacked with the dolphin from my grandma.  But it's definitely more than a little too small for my middle finger, lol.

And I'm in significantly less pain today. I mean, it's still there when I take the splint off, just as it's still swollen, but the sparkle is back in my eyes and my smile, not the faking it behind the pain of yesterday.

Also, not gonna lie. My favorite thing about this injury and wearing the splint to keep me from injuring me worse by accident is that it gives me and excuse for "accidentally" giving the finger.

I mean. Am I easily entertained? Yes. But also. How could I not be when I get to flick the world off whenever I damn well please because splint.

But also though, as Cancer season wanes and Chiron was headed to retrograde (Chiron is an asteroid that in mythology/astrology is the wounded healer and represents your soul/life path's source of deepest hurts andunexpected healing; it's an important ephemera to know in your birth chart. My Chiron is in Gemini, third house, and it's 10 degrees from my north node (soul purpose in this life) which is also in my third house but is in Taurus) almost every single deeply spiritual lightworker I know is incredibly sick or sudden injuries over the last week and especially the last 24 hours as the retrograde started. Very unexpectedly. Some of them I know they and/or their kids are inexplicably in hospital. So as far as possible sudden injuries/sickness, I'll take a stupid mistake of chipping a knuckle/jamming a finger and a simple $7 splint and ice packs and time can fix it. Better than some of the people I know having a miserably rough go of today..... Including several in hospital (including family not just friends, my Uncle Jomi in Germany being diagnosed with a large pancreatic cancer mass being in hospital since Friday)  or trying to track down something as elusive as me trying to figure out why my dog's platelet counts were so low last week.... (I am seriously hoping for doxy helping because that will mean tick borne disease. Not auto immune or inoperable cancers that last will be about decisions of palliative care quality of life until she passes. So we're hoping the doxy is working and shows that she's improving and it was a tick borne disease even though her titres came back a negative test.)

I still took my grandma to her appointment today and then spent from 5 until sunset watering everything and moving the sprinkler around as needed. Tomorrow is Hamlet tickets -- hopefully Crissy will feel up for going -- both she and my da woke up feeling ill today. Crissy is vague tired malaise (she did have a coworker test positive on Friday, but she's always masked in the office) but my da is chills and body aches and headaches -- and he did have a tick bite about 5 weeks ago. It could be covid, but both have tested negative for it today, and after all I live in one of the worst areas for Lyme and other tick borne diseases. So can't rule that out, though should continue testing for covid just in case given ba5 is everywhere.   Thursday my parents plan to head out to Washington to rescue Waffles and visit my sister's family out there. Unless my da isn't feeling well enough for it. I also have my own dentist appointment at 2:30 on Thursday (I always schedule my dentist appointments for 2:30, because it's the best time to go to the dentist, tooth-hurty) and then my dog gets her blood draw at 4pm on Thurs to see if her platelet numbers have improved being on doxy. And then I'll have both dogs and two homes from Thursday until next Weds, but nothing else in the calendar.

Kinda tired though. Not gonna lie. I stayed at work til sunrise and then napped but didn't sleep enough this morning because of needing to take grandma to her appointment.  I should head home. Before it gets too late. Audrey's meds are currently around the 12s/12:30s. (her prescriptions are she takes them every 12 hours, not more frequent than that, and sometimes I forget or oversleep or on Saturday it was migraine.)

 On the scale form 1 to "I have 2/3 the meniscus cartilage I should have which makes me extra flexible but means that instead of just jamming knuckles in my hands and toes I fracture the knuckle as well as the ligament damage --  it's also why I don't run for exercise because of the amount of damage it does to my knees" , this is totally the way that my left middle finger is supposed to look compared to my right, yeah?

No of course not.... And it hurts like a mofo.....  because this is 7 hours AFTER I smashed it and have been icing it when not watering plants.....I did safely remove the garnet and citrine ring BEFORE it swelled up and moved the ring to the other finger.

Basically I was putting some wine in the fridge at work and I wasn't paying enough attention and didn't notice that the freezer door wasn't all the way shut and so when I grabbed a bottle with my left hand, turned at the waist with bottle in hand and did a weird torque smash of the topmost knuckle against the handle of the freezer.... it didn't swell up at that knuckle but went all fracture pins and needles through that finger. And it's been hurting worse and worse since my adrenaline wore off. even before it started swelling up. The worst pain is underside of the finger at the major knuckle and the top of the knuckle where I smacked it. 

Honestly, it looks almost identical to the time in middle school that I fractured my right forefinger playing basketball then proceeded to play for the next 45mins including getting the winning shot. It was only after the game finished that someone pointed out how swollen my finger was and I was ordered to the nurse immediately. the knuckle pieces  didn't displace but did break into two pieces and it took multiple tries to verify the obvious fracture based on how swollen and impossible to move the finger was by the time I got to the doctors office for x rays. Since it didn't displace the fragments, all there was to do is splint it for a couple weeks.

Tonight I watered all the outdoor plants, put out and moved the sprinkler then wound it back up, then watered all the indoor plants. Have I gone in to have it x rayed or examined? No. Would I make anyone else I care about go in? Yes. Will I? Honestly no. I checked that it has full mobility and doesn't have any obvious lumps or misalignments. I'll likely splint it for lifting the dog in and out the car and carrying her up and down the stairs. I should go in, but who wants to deal with co pays and deductibles on x rays when all they'll do is give me a finger splint I can buy at any pharmacy for a fraction the price? But I'd totally make anyone else but me go in just to verify it didn't displace anywhere... But for myself? it isn't displaced or crooked and I can move it through full range of proper motion. It's just swollen and looks awful and certain things hurt a bit - so splint and/or buddy taping it is the best thing to do short of x-ray to be certain nothing displaced internally. 

 Yeah I know. My body type is ridiculous. And this is me not even working out or trying. What else is new? 

 O right, that's what's new... my knuckle is twice the size it should be and starting to stiffen up and hurt,

I did tell you that I'm a stubborn stoic bitch and my dog gets it from me...I wasn't joking.I take the best care of myself when I'm taking care of me for someone else's sake. For my own, I'll figure out making it through. I'm much better at taking care of other people than taking care of myself....

P.S. I did tap this out one handed though while icing my left hand. I'm a stoic, not a complete idiot about when I hurt myself... 

Also. I should definitely head home unless I'm staying until sunrise. Because a girl by herself in the wee hours with a broken knuckle and an old dog who has a torn CCL is definitely not the safest situation .