Why was I hit so hard by the news of Audrey's platelet count being that low? (It blindsided me HOW low they were and HOW great the risk of internal bleeding hemorrhaging without warning.) Don't I precog deaths or near deaths of those I love? (Yes I do.) So shouldn't I have had some peace that it wasn't yet Audrey's time? (Well yes and no. That's where it gets complicated.)

See, part of what hit me so hard was guilt. Just sheer raw guilt. Because you see, I had some CONTINGENT precogs that if I didn't resolve the niggling intermittent bleeding issues with Audrey, she WOULD hemorrhage and die BUT if I acted in time she could live and live for a long while yet. Which is why after the nosebleed randomly at her grooming session, I brought that up to her vet at her annual appointment and we discussed what I should watch for IF there was an underlying platelet issue so I was being hyper vigilant. So I was ALREADY planning to take Audrey in the day she tore her CCL jumping off the bed unassisted due to some unexpected bruising I found on her upon my return from Kentucky and I had INTENDED to take Audrey in immediately on Monday that week due to the increasing frequency of the contingent precogs I had from the moment I got back from Kentucky but then I had a migraine on Modnay. And then that morning Audrey launched herself off the bed while I was in the bathroom and so I had two reasons to take her in. And even that day the CCL injury was obvious but her behavior and her pinkness of gums and lack of blood where it shouldn't be made Erin say that she didn't SEEM to have a low platelet count but that we could quickly run a tick panel so I'd know within 5mins if she had a tick borne illness causing the issues and then would be running a CBC anyway to check for liver and kidney functionality before Erin will prescribe rimadyl for pain and she would make sure to give extra care and attention to platelets and rbc just as an excess of caution. So in a way, Audrey took the blood panel issue out of my hands by the way she tore her CCL and her doing that meant they got us in asap withing 2hrs of me calling to schedule an appointment. So the platelet issue would have been found on this same timeline due to my dog launching herself off the bed to tear her CCL that morning. And it was immediately that the CBC panel came back that we started Audrey on doxy in case the tick borne illness was a false negative or there was another underlying infection destroying platelets AND scheduled the CBC panel for the next week to see if she was stabilizing or improving or getting worse. It was literally the fastest possible turn around to verify that she had a blood issue going on and to verify that there was nothing easier to fix the matter and getting her on prednisone to start fighting an autoimmune issue. 

But still. I'd HAD the contingent precogs and so I knew I only had a certain window to change her fateline or lose her earlier than expected.... 

And then the other part of what hit me so hard was the numbers and my science/pre-med brain knowing EXACTLY how bad that is and how low the chances of my dog's survival unless those platelet numbers could be stabilized and start increasing.And like, analytical science math brain overthinking is its own form of realism smack. And the numbers were really bad. Her odds were NOT good with only 14k platelet count the day BEFORE we started her onto the prednisone.... The chances statistically of her randomly internal bleeding and hemorrhaging and even an emergency vet visit not being enough to save her was not in our favor on Friday morning.... And I blamed myself. because if I had taken her in even one day sooner to start the process, her platelets would have been low but maybe still have been above 20k at the time we started her on prednisone. And so if she had an internal bleed and died, it would be my fault, my guilt, for not acting even sooner on my contingent precogs. I blamed me for the possibility that she could die that weekend due to her platelets getting so low.... Look, would any pet owner (even a vet) have taken a dog in with the vague symptoms I had and how good Audrey's energy seemed? No. Does ITF kill dogs silenlty in their sleep more often than it's caught in time for prednisone prescription to stop the autoimmune disorder? yeah. Erin even said the tests were an excess of caution because we couldn't be certain without them and I agreed to them. AND YET, I blamed myself for not doing it a day sooner, not doing it beforeI left town, not listening to my gifts and my KNOWING and my contingent precogs.... I blamed me for the risk my dog was running with her platelet that low.... 

And that's why it hit me so hard. Not because I had seen any fatelines across the weekend or coming week where she died and I was sorrowing... But because maybe I'd missed my window of opportunity to change the fatelines and save her and I just wasn't seeing a settled immutable precog yet because it hadn't echoed back yet.... That it might have been my inaction that caused her death when I KNEW better and had seen what would happen if I didn't change the fatelines. It was the statistical likelihood of it and the fact I had KNOWN and could have acted sooner that kicked me so hard into premature grief instead of hope upon getting that call. It wasn't because I'd seen her dying or even possibly dying since the weekend before she tore her CCL and we went in and started this moving..... 

I hadn't had any precogs since the weekend before she tore her CCL, and those were only ever contingent precogs that I could change the fateline still b my own actions.... and yet the potential of it being my fault due to waiting too long to acr if she DID hemorrhage over the weekend hurt me so bad......

But as the weekend progressed and she got more and more prednisone doses in her system and everything about her energy and life force improved, I got so happy.... This was us after getting soaked on her longest walk in over a week, which we took in the pouring rain. I was literally glowing from the joy in the rain and KNOWING she'd crossed into safe territory. (Even though I can't science brain know until after her next CBC on Weds.)

And then later that night after I'd changed into dry clothes, this was me in my pyjama shirt drinking wine and cooking up some salmon for us.

Yes, my curls are ALWAYS happiest and prettiest after getting soaked in the rain or snow and then air drying, lol. Also my skin gets SO impossibly soft after I get soaked in rain water or snow. Also that wine was surprisingly better than expected especially for the price point. (California wines aren't my favorite; I'm very much a French wine or Greek wine gal most of the time. There are wines from other places I'll enjoy, but they're never as good as French or Greek wines.) And I'm absolutely here for the aesthetic with Lapis Luna wines. I intend to collect the bottles and figure out some sort of zodiac of their artwork.

And even today I'm still feeling happy and shiny, despite being short staffed even with my da came back into work (his fever broke Weds night and he hadn't had any symptoms) we were still down my mom and Ian and Pete (who all tested positive on Thursday night/Friday) and Glenn who tested positive on Friday evening/Saturday. (I came in just before lunch to have an extra person around and to help out and pick up food for everyone.) AND this evening Mikaela tested positive for covid so it's only a matter of time before her mom does, let's be honest. So literally everyone around me is getting caught by ba5 (or has symptoms but keeps testing negative.)  And yet my eyes and soul are sparkly because I can see that her leg is healing (to a point she's hardly limping at all) and I'm pretty certain that every day on prednisone Audrey is improving her platelet count:

And yes mask on at all times inside at work, even for selfies, except while actively drinking or eating because at work.  I still have no symptoms and keep testing negative (but testing every day out of excess of caution due to close proximity with known cases.) I also turned on the fans (with uv disinfection) all over the building and have kept the HEPA filter running on high. We'll see if I ever get sick and get any symptoms. ba5 is an immune evasive beast.  But also I've said since day one of covid pandemic that what I know about my immune system tells me that I am very likely to be asymptomatic if or when I ever get covid so I've been excessively cautious AS IF I had covid just in case. Because I know my immune system.  But so far, I have no symptoms (haven't even had a migraine since July 16/17) and always testing negative. And my dog is taking her pills. I don't try to hide them now after our talk, I tell her which pill it is, put it in a treat and then let her sniff it and she just eats them knowing it's there and that it's helping her get better.

Heading home as soon as I finish this cuppa ginger turmeric tea and most recent John Oliver. Also will give Audrey her next round of gabapentin & doxy & prednisone before heading home since the timer on my phone says she should get it before this episode ends.