*Sigh* Just talked to Erin. Audrey's platelet numbers are now even worse. The low end of normal is 140k, last week Audrey was at 38k, this week she's at 14k. She has sticky pellets that clump more making it hard to count, but she is quite severely low atm.  So we're entering the realm of even a fall could be a risk or if she started spontaneously bleeding or bruising over the weekend then she needs to go to emergency vet for a transfuaion right away over the weekend or she could die..... 

It's most likely autoimmune attacking itself. Today she will be starting prednisone (and no more rimadyl at all as rimadyl concurrent with prednisone can cause stomach ulcers -- still on gabapentin for pain from her lef) and we'll hope the steroid works to stop the immune system attacking itself. Because if next week's CBC numbers don't improve the platelet counts while on prednisone (and it does for some dogs but not all) then the options are stronger immunosuppressant such as chemo drugs or end of life farewells and/or the possibility of spontaneous bleeding issues ... Not what I wanted to hear but here we are now. 

Erin was like, "I saw her in the office when she was getting her blood work yesterday and I never would have guessed from how happy bouncing all over the place she is that her platelets numbers could be so low. Even her leg looks so much better and she's able to walk on it so much better than most dogs even 1 month after an injury, let alone 1 week. I would never have guessed her platelets could be this low just observing her." 

I'm really not ready yet for this.... And I know there are people I need to tell in case the prednisone doesn't work so they can get prepared and say their goodbyes if need be.  But I'm really not ready to see anyone or talk about it just yet. I'll have to go pick up her prednisone and the meds to help protect her from developing ulcers soon, Erin said she'd have them get the script ready. But right now I'm just sitting here crying not yet ready to see anyone. 

Rationally I know she's already 14..... I should be ready for goodbyes at any point at this time.... But it still hurts and I'm not. And I'm just really sad that her platelets have gotten THIS low so quickly.... And the thing is, if it hadn't been for the abnormal bruising and blood in her stool and that one nose bleed, we wouldn't even know. Because she isn't acting like a dog whose platelet levels are as low as they are.....

Expect me not to really write here or talk much while I'm grappling with my hurt. I don't really want to talk about it or distract myself or pretend behind a false mask just now, I want to sit with it and work on accepting it in. I tend to handle grief and worry by turning inward being even more of a hermit and going a bit radio silent from most people.  It's not personal, I just won't really want to be around other people or chatty or wanting to be distracted. It's going to suck but I'm going to just want to feel it all until I go numb inside can't feel it anymore before I have to interact with other humans more than necessary. And I'll probably be feeling that way for a while, especially if the Prednisone doesn't help.... Because until I can put a smile over my hurting for when I'm around other people, I'd rather not be around other people. No point in making them upset by my own upset. y'know? As an empath, me knowing that my pain is upsetting another person just makes me feel more shitty. So I'd rather be alone. Until I can put a brave front on with other people. I'll be in to work by this evening, I have plants to water after all and Audrey will want to see everyone beg for treats. But I'll be pretty internal for a bit right now and that's just how it will be with me.

And I'm definitely not there yet today for interacting with other people.... I'm still just continuously crying since I got off the phone with Erin. Her prednisone is ready for pickup and I know I ought to go get it. But I can't yet stop crying to be around people. Not loud sobbing, just the continuous can't stop crying eyes are a faucet kind of crying. But I'm working on getting myself under control enough to at least go over to the vet. Because I do have to go get her meds. Because until I do, there's no hope for her improvement she's only going to get worse.... And right now there's still a small amount of hope. If the meds help to keep her body from attacking itself. Which can't be known until she starts taking the meds. Which means I have to get myself together enough to go get the meds