O right! 

A reminder worth stating about me! 

I have a many centuries of lives pattern of self-martyring and undervaluing my own worth and putting other people/causes ahead of me. If you know any of my past life stories or remember me from any of my past lives, you know that to be true about my nature and who I have been. That's actually one of the things I'm supposed to be working on this life, prioritizing and valuing myself as an individual with my own intrinsic worth and choosing self care and personal well-being and growth and the little joys in existence and having more of an ego and less self-sacrifice in my nature. It's a main reason why I'm a Taurus north node. (I mean also there's that whole being an international sex symbol and letting my soul light burn bright as possible last life as the means to make certain that anyone anywhere in the world could find me if they were looking to explain my Scorpio south node.) This life, I'm actually not allowed to put any cause or beliefs or person or nation ahead of my own well being same as I'm not allowed to seek wealth or fame or power as seeking those requires sacrificing the self and the goodness in one's own life. Luckily, I don't desire any of those things this life. Most of the things I desire in this life are fairly simple -- to be loved for me qua me just as I am, books, music, a garden, indoor plants, time to wander the woods and wilds, fur babies, to see the skies In all their colors and moods, to commune with the stars, art, delicious food that's nourishing for my body, art, curiosity and new ideas, to always find wonder in the beautiful and amazing things that EXIST.  Really that's it. That's the entire list of things I want. There are infinite permutations of those desires, but those are the desires themselves. They're small and even the things I do as creative outlets, my real writing and my sketching and painting and dance, I don't do them for the desire to make money from them but only for the joy in doing them. 

I'm really quite terrible at the whole selling myself or even trying to get published. Even my real writing which IS publishable and much better than most books I buy in bookstores (and I buy and read a LOT of books, lol. I basically live in a combination library art gallery. If you ever visit my home, you'll understand that statement. I'm actually running out of wall space for my bookshelves and artwork - I'm at a point where even a small version of my someday house would be better than my condo. Also, my neighbors have been making me incredibly I'll with their chemicals in hallways and seeping through shared walls and I would have fewer migraines and days I'm so light headed from synthetic perfumes used by neighbors that just trying to stand up makes me light headed enough to pass out. It's actually been a huge problem for me the last 6 months to a year since new neighbors moved into the units below me and right next to me and I've been trying to just deal but sometimes me going silent for days is due entirely to migraine issues from neighbors using products that made me too I'll to even take my dog outside. I'd be able to do much more and be sick less frequently if I had a house not a flat. Not a big house, I actually prefer small cozy homes over large empty rooms.) Do I know my fictional writing to be brilliant and people who read it get hooked and want more of it to support me in it? Yes. But I don't actually have a burning desire to publish, just to write out characters and scenarios that start with me asking a question. The chances of me being published are low without someone else stepping in to make it happen and push me to publish rather than just writing whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it.

And despite all my accumulated knowledge in so many disparate areas, I actually decided when I was a child in elementary school that the only place to put important truths is in fictions because once you're dead you have no say over how future followers twist your words from your intent to serve their own ends. And even if their intent was good, like Plato preserving the memory of His mentor Socrates as a character within his dialogues, we don't even have extant knowledge of anything directly attributable to Socrates. And we don't have any of Plato's own ideas, just fictitious dialogues of thinkers and famous people drinking and discussing deep ideas while drunk. Same with Aristotle - what we call Aristotle is believed to be the remnants of lecture notes from some unknown student at The Lyceum, not the writings of Aristotle himself. And yet we have entire schools of philosophic thought based on the "Socratic" method and "Platonic" and neo-Platonic ideals and Aristotilean logic/epistemology that have reshaped the Medieval and Renaissance social structures based on what their followers think was meant as The Truth when we don't have anything original from them of their own beliefs and ways of thinking. And literally, Socratic method is the questions the character of Socrates asks in Plato's dialogues, but everything Socrates expounds is Platonic ideal because he revered Socrates more than the other celebrities at his fictional drunken discussions and Aristotilean analytics are based on a student's notes summarizing what they found important in the dialogues that occurred in the Lyceum and this is supposed to be how we know their specific individual philosophic world views?! We don't know their views, we know only what their disciples and followers claim to be their views on how to find The Truth. And even if we had their words as they spoke them, look at what the disciples did to the words of Jesus and look at the even worse interpretations of the disciples words that have been used to justify every human atrocity of the last 1500 years. Or look at the way the Constitution is twisted to defend positions directly antithetical to other parts of the US Constitution or other writings by those who created the Constitution. Or look how early forms of evolution via natural selection were twisted into eugenics and from eugenics to The Final Solution in The Holocaust.  No, I remain firmly convinced that the only place important truths belong are in fictions rather than claiming them as The Truth with a capital t - because people can be inspired by fictions and find truths hidden in plain sight and grow from them but they'll never commit murder or genocide or enslave people and justify it by a work of fiction that calls itself fiction. Your followers are shite and no matter their intentions they will misunderstand and misrepresent you - especially once you're dead and can't possibly correct or contradict them. Great truths are safest in myths and stories and fairytales and plays and songs and paintings - but humanity cannot be trusted with great truths in any form they might make into an idol on a pedestal. Not even science. (which is actually a process of logic to try to discover truth from disparate data and conflicting theories, not a Truth with a capital t in itself - never should have been made the idol it is at this point in history. It's treated like Medieval saints relics by the masses who don't bother to learn the concepts of any given branch of study.) Anyway. My firm conviction stands that important truths only belong in fictions and works of art because after your death you can't control how people twist and misuse your words in the name of atrocities if they think it Truth. Disciples and sycophants will twist every Truth into the unrecognizable to rationalize what they want to do anyway, so posterity can only be trusted with great truths if you hide them in plain sight within fictions and art and music. 

Which is wandering so very far from my point I wanted to write about. Which is that I know I'm prone to self-martyring and stoicism in the name of putting others before my own needs and I know I constantly undervalue the worth others set on me. And I know that this life is a reward life but it's also about me learning the lessons not to sacrifice myself all the time and about me recognizing my own intrinsic worth as just me. And to experience the joy and wonder and curiosity of existing within this Universe.

I suppose though, technically, as long as I'm trying to sacrifice my own desires for him to be in my life and in my dream space I'm not learning my lessons about prioritizing myself and my own needs. Even as laudable a reason as respecting his free will and self determination is still me sacrificing what I want in the name of a cause/belief, isn't it? If I'm going to actually learn this lesson, I won't get there by putting "whatever it is he wants for himself" as a greater priority than what I want. It's still me falling into my many lives pattern of atomic self-martyring for a cause or an idea or a nation or another person. I should be focusing on what I want and what brings joy into my life rather than acting from a place of self-denial. Not just filling my life with books and music and puppies and flowers and trees and art. But also saying, "Seeing him gives me joy. Having him in my life in whatever capacity I can have him brings me joy. So what if his sister was an ego-driven defensive bitch toward me on the social media accounts she controlled from late 2017 through me severing ties to the band in late 2019 and she continuously refuses to take ownership or be accountable for her past actions or the present consequences of her actions -- HE makes me happy whenever I see him or have him in my life." The fact that his most recent email had portraits of just him in it made me so happy and made my heart do back flips just to see him again. Because I've been denying myself every opportunity of seeing him in the name of setting him free to pursue whatever his heart is set on for his happiness. But the person I'm hurting the most in not letting me see him and in unfollowing his socials is myself. He still has plenty of people to follow him and give him joy and ego boosts, it's myself who suffers from having unfollowed him. Nobody is making me suffer from this self-denial but me. And that's stupid and it's me not learning my lesson and as long as I'm denying my own desires for the sake of someone/something else I'm not learning my lesson here. Am I? I can't self martyr my joy in the name of wanting him to find his happiness and think that will get either of us anything we want. I'm making myself miserable and either I'm denying him what he wants in denying myself or my denial has no bearing whatsoever on what he wants - but there's no way me doing it is in anyway aiding him toward finding what he's seeking. So it's pointless and stupid and harms me and for absolutely no reason at all in terms of achieving anything I want. So it's stupid and pointless and if seeing him is going to make me happy, and it really does make me light up overflowing with joy, then I should let me see him. 

In conclusion: I'm going to go back and add him on my socials right now because it will make me happy whenever I see him there. The band is still dead to me and the songs still don't bring me joy as they used to because every time I hear or see anything with Liz or Britt I freeze up and everything turns to ash and all the joy disappears because I expect bullying and ostracism from them based on their past actions and that isn't going to change without them acknowledging and making right on their past behaviors. And it's hard to find joy in anything where half the vocals make you expect to be bullied by those vocalists because the bullying ostracism behaviors are your greatest association with them at this point. Abusive bullying behaviors and gaslighting and refusing to apologize or acknowledge you knowingly acted/spoke in ways to hurt another person mean everything associates with the person(s) guilty of the bullying make you expect further hurt and bullying. And nobody can stop me from freezing up being politely distant but not trusting the girls except the girls choosing to acknowledge and fix what they broke with their past behaviors. Which is how I am now anytime anything to do with Delta Rae comes up and why I refuse to spend money on shows or merch or anything new they create -- there is no joy for me in anything the band has created or creates now due to my constant expectation of getting mistreated and associations of being insulted and ostracized by the girls.  But. That's no reason for me not to let me follow him. I can just ignore or skip past the things involving the girls that make me expect I'll treatment because that's what they taught me to expect from them. And everything that's just him and about him gives me joy and it's stupid and counter productive to the lessons I'm working on this life to deny me the joy I feel whenever I see him. 

So I'm going to go follow his accounts then strip down the bed to wash the linens and clean under the bed and turn the box spring and mattress. (I glanced under the bed the other day Looking for something I dropped and the cat likes to sleep there and it's got tumbleweeds of shed cat hair. And it's been tweaking out my latent OCD ever since I saw it. So I need to deal with that to feel comfortable in my own flat again.) And after the laundering is started and the space under my bed cleaned, then breakfast. But first I'm going to go back and follow his personal accounts on Twitter and Instagram (never was Facebook friends, but I reckon I can check if his solo project has a Facebook page.) Because my self denial in the name of him choosing the happiness he seeks is decreasing my potential for joy and not doing any damn thing to further the stated desire of increasing his joy. AND it's regression on the one karmic lesson I'm supposed to be working on this life -- not sacrificing my own happiness/desires/self in the name of a cause I arbitrarily deem more important than me. (Paradoxically, by that logic, the best thing I can do to help him reach the happiness he seeks is by focusing on what brings me joy and happiness to my own life and using that to set my course. Wait, could that be true? Could me trying to set my course by sacrificing my desires in the name of his happiness he seeks actually be fucking up getting in the way of both my happiness and his? By refuting the temptation of self-denial and martyrdom path and instead focusing on what adds happiness to my own life, might that be the path to achieving the goals I genuinely seek here? I will have to consider this. Not right now though, I have cat fur tumbleweeds under my bed to go battle.... But I do need to examine this concept in further detail. The idea that the beat way to help him achieve the happiness he seeks is by me choosing to heed my karmic lesson of choosing what makes ME happy and is healthy/healing/joyous for me rather than falling into my old patterns of self-denial in the name of causes I seem greater than myself. My own delight can be an end in itself.) 

P. S. Same rule in the future though. If having his socials back in my life does NOT add to my happiness, then it will be time to unfollow them again.