I set this to private to authors these recent couple days because.... Because I don't really know why if I'm honest. I just sort of did it because it seemed pointless to have it public and I set it back to public because there was something nagging my intuition that somehow that had been upsetting.... Which is a random and stupid intuitive thing because literally nobody knows this even exists, it's set not to be found in any google searches since they changed the settings so i could do that and I don't use it to any purpose. But it was prickling under my skin my intuition and it was hard to live in my own skin until I just admitted to myself, 'That makes sense but if it will make you hush up intuition, then damnit it really doesn't make any difference to me and I'd rather be able to live in my own skin again!" A lot of things I do because it doesn't make much difference to me either way except my intuition won't shut up about which way it thinks is better even if I don't understand the reasons why it should even matter. Which irritates the piss out of my logic trained brain, but again I have to live in my own skin so if it doesn't really affect me and even if it's inexplicable af why it should matter, I'll just cave to my intuition. Because you have no idea how much it will prod at me until I listen to it. Mostly I think it was just because I got to thinking (overthinking?) And it didn't seem to serve any purpose in it existing or me writing here. I mostly just treat it as a place to flow of consciousness put into words things on my mind or going on in my life because my emotions tend to feel very inchoate and ever changing to me and I can only really see them when I can momentarily freeze them into word sculptures. And only then can I see if they're fair or unfair, healthy or toxic, only then can I come to terms with the deep emotions and the storms and tsunamis they make in me.  Otherwise, without putting them into words, they just get overpowering and senseless. (The things that move me the most profoundly are the times when I lose words entirely. Every time. It's something worth knowing about me.) 

I started putting whatever thoughts/feelings i wanted to get a good look at here, on an unlisted unshared blogger because I felt like writing things out long hand was killing too many trees for no good reason. Although, given how environmentally harmful cloud computing (or anything that requires servers running constantly) maybe I should reassess that at some point. I mean, serious, the amount of carbon footprint from running servers for cloud storage and crypto is truly heartbreaking when you go down that rabbithole....

But see, if I write just for my own sake, then why have it public? I guess there's often an implied reader in many posts I write, but still mostly they're to help me get feelings and impressions and thoughts into more concrete word forms to examine them. 

And then there are times when what I write here is honest to my experiences but not tempered by the kindness of what I would say publicly because of how it could affect other people - complete unfiltered honesty is something a person must earn and show they have the courage to face. Most people can't take unfiltered honesty, they can't face the truths around them. You can't actually start dealing with root causes and making things better without facing facts as things are, rather than how you want them to be, but most people aren't able to face hard truths in their entirety. It breaks them in ways that are hard to heal. There's always a balance point of silence versus how much honesty, how much truth, how much hard to face facts, most people are able or willing to face. I have a policy with myself and with those I love who can face hard truths of complete honesty -- but most people are too defensive and ego driven to accept truths they don't want to hear.  So there are ways to say truth without speaking the whole truth and I can play nicely in front of and with others. I'm a Libra sun and Mercury this life, we're rather known for killing you with kindness if you fuck us over or do us wrong. We'll do our best to be fair by you and we'll play devil's advocate even if you did wrong by us, but the scales of justice never forget if you don't have the courage to apologize and acknowledge what you did. And I'll play nice in public settings and I will always be as fair as possible, but you'll never reach me or get me to admire anything you do until you face the truth about the versions of you that you were before. There is nothing you can do that will impress me or win me over without facing the wrongs you did in the past.  But it doesn't mean I will bad mouth or insult you to strangers or in public. And there are things that I have written here that cross that line of bad mouthing even though they're truthful about what occurred and my own reactions to those events. Still, sometimes I question if that should be floating about publicly instead of private to me.  

And then in recent weeks I've been working on releasing karmic bonds preparatory to the next eclipse season opening this Friday, right at Beltane. Full moon on Beltane = if you fuck around, high chance of birth control methods failing so you getting pregnant or if you're a man getting someone else pregnant. Just know that. Anyway. I've been working on letting go of karmic ties including trying to release any expectations related to the bond with Eric, to try to free him so he can pursue whatever it is he's seeking for himself this life without having attachments to me. I've been trying to release him from any sense of karmic obligation or expectation towards me when I realized that he's looking elsewhere for companionship in his life and the bond is in the way of that. So basically since his email #7 that I read while I was in Kirkland. And there's a lot that I've written here that speaks of that karma and the bond between us and it seems to me that I can't release him while also trying to hold on. And, if there was reciprocity and a reason for me to hold on I would, but I got to thinking that I'm in the way and it's past time for me to release him from obligations and being bound to me. And it seemed to me that included releasing the words about what it has been and what I hoped it would be. 

But then last night I realized that might not be what he wants. That releasing him to seek out what he wants in his life is right but that to assume I'm no part of it or the bond is in his way somehow is wrong headed. Which is a thought that I've had before, but thoughts without supporting evidence are as easy to change as they were to create. You need more than just thoughts and words to give an idea gravitas and reality and a reason to prefer it over the sophistry and logic of examining the opposite case. (And as a Jewish Libra sun with a Pisces rising, I'm always full of "on the other hands" and trying to see the other perspective. Worse than Tevya.  but I always want to be as fair as I can be, and that means examining all the possibilities/perspectives not leaving them unexamined.  Which is how I ended up constantly peeking down potential fate lines once I figured out how to see them -- it helped me make better more fair decisions to consider the outcomes and how they affected people and things. Also though, you have to have precog related gifts to even hope to glimpse that way and it's one of the rarer clairsentience gifts that I've encountered.)  Anyway. What I'm saying is that i feel I'm most in the right when I leave it for him to decide what matters to him and what he desires to have in his life and what his happiness he's seeking looks like. But that there's an important balance point (which I'm really really really really bad at) of maintaining myself within his options in case that's what he wants. Like, see, objectively, having the bond automatically makes me subjectively biased and I know that. But also it also affects him even if only at a subconscious level, and maybe if the bond wasn't there his choices would be entirely different than if it's there and maybe him being free to choose would have to not have the bond pulling at him.....and maybe that's true but then also, that doesn't mean he doesn't WANT the pull of the bond or the way it complicates things, maybe he doesn't want to be free of it he just wants to find a way to make it real bring it into his life. And I just have to be cautious, knowing I'm biased by what I want, not to overcompensate against what i want and think that he'd be more able to get what it is he's seeking if the bond didn't pull at him the way it does. I dunno, it's all a bit tangled and confused inside me and because it's so close and I have my own subjective desires woven through it all, I can't find anything like objectivity. Sometimes I think I just overthink myself into an absolute Gordian Knot tangle and I just need someone else to cut through it all and be like, "Stop. This is my truth. The rest is just you over-thinking." Especially when I deeply care.

Anyway. There wasn't really a reason for me setting it to private other than overthinking while trying to release what I'm uncertain if I should hang onto or release. And I set it back to public because it makes so little difference since this isn't really anywhere for anyone to find and read and my intuition wouldn't shut up at pricking me that I was somehow causing damage doing something amiss by having it to private.... And I just reached the point where living comfortably i my own skin meant more to me than any sort of logic or analytical provable reasons why it was bothering me so. And then honestly it doesn't much matter because I didn't even write anything here during that time it was private, lol. Nobody missed anything, or at least nothing that was here.

Which is a lot of words signifying nothing. (To paraphrase Shakespeare. technically the line is "sound and fury signifying nothing") And I mean, whatever. it's back here and I have no idea what I'll feel like writing about here in the future so I can make no promises when/what and I don't have any good practical reasons for having this set public vs. private and the changes both times this time were on a whim. So yeah. Anyway. Back to pulling and purging old files until whenever I head home.

Eclipse coming up on Friday at Beltane and my parents leave on Saturday morning so I'll have both dogs and trying to balance spending some time at home with my cat as well as time with the dogs and getting hours in at work until the 15th. But nothing else in the calendar. O, well, right before they leave, on Friday, Condo Management has some repairs for the fire alarm systems so I'll be doing some cleaning and such tomorrow and Friday I'll have to be home during the day and they'll need to come in. And then Friday night I'll have to come into work for a bit to get the end of month deposit done.And I think Saturday morning is going to be rainy/thunderstorms so don't actually know yet if heading to Farmer's Market. On verra.